boshemia Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 I haven't had a lot of positive role models of healthy love in my life, but those I have seen I have watched closely. To me it's almost like a fairy tale... something you dream of, but life never really happens that way. I was raised by my Mom (5 times divorced) and my brother was raised by my Dad who found the love of his life after my mom. My brother and his girlfriend fascinated me, they spoke to each other with love, and respect. While he was in the shower she started dishes, and when he got out he said "Oh Babe, why didn't you wait for me?" and jumped in helping her. My Dad was like that with my step-mom, and I know my brother learned about love from them. They just made each other happy, they worked together, and they worked through things together. My Uncle has been married twenty years now, and they still make out... actually make out in a corner like teenagers. If he comes here to visit, they call each other constantly. They respect and love each other so deeply that you can just feel it when they look at each other. I've seen these relationships in brief glimpses, but I've also seen the overall effects. Small things like one of them gets up to go to the kitchen and says "Honey, do you want something while I'm in there?" or the thought they put into birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries... They do dishes standing side by side, and they just talk... but I'm only around these people now and then... maybe it's all just for show? :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I want that, I want that so bad... Then I look at my own relationships, and I've tried so hard to be like those women... I really have. I guess I just don't have it in me. I've been in one abusive relationship after another, and the more I give the more they seem to take until I'm just totally drained. I want THAT mutual respect, love, concern, working together as a team... communication... How do I get from HERE to there???? I really need to know if I'm just dreaming of a fairy tale fantasy that is impossible... or if things like this really do happen in real life. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 It is possible to have that. Just respect yourself and that should help you attract a man that respects you as much. I never thought that I would find love but I have found it and it was after I learned to respect myself and after I gained my self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 I can see that being a factor. I always thought I was just being nice, and prided myself on my non-demanding nature... to be honest girls who asked for what they wanted scared me a little. Now I am starting to see how my self esteem has always led me to be a people pleaser, and it just drained me dry... I want to be IN a relationship instead of just being a part of it... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 I can see that being a factor. I always thought I was just being nice, and prided myself on my non-demanding nature... to be honest girls who asked for what they wanted scared me a little. Now I am starting to see how my self esteem has always led me to be a people pleaser, and it just drained me dry... I want to be IN a relationship instead of just being a part of it... Being nice is a good thing but make sure that you get it back in return and that he is willing to do as much for you as you do for him. There is almost nothing I would not do for my wife but she would do the same for me and would never treat me like a doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 For a long time I didn't know what 'deep love' is, and got involved in drama which I don't think it was real love, much like ego-ego love. But God, haha:laugh: , taught me, and I pray everyday that hope God teach me about LOVE, and I learn a little by little each day. I guess those lucky couples have spritual connection. It is VERY possible to dream such a nice relationship. and it is very possible and most quick way:p when a person become a God pleaser rather than a person pleaser. well, that's my personal experience anyway. Parters in a healthy relationship mainly seek how to satisfy another, but of course you have to have that love in you in the first place, otherwise you would feel drain dry....an old song Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 boshemia, I always find your posts on other's threads to be well thought out and full of valuable information. That may be because I often share your views and see a lot of my past in things that you say, but I wanted to share that I enjoy your posts. I have not been in what I think of as truly abusive relationships, but I have made many bad choices in partners . I am a people pleaser and have been drained by some who will take and take and take. Often when relationships end I wonder what I was doing, what I was thinking. I wanted the happily ever after ending, but my choices is choosing men who were pretty messed up wouldn't allow that. I have come to believe that it was my self esteem that led to those choices. If someone was flawed, I accepted them because I saw myself as so flawed and unworthy of anything better than these people. I am also very nurturing with men and relationships. I would find myself logically knowing that a relationship was not good, yet being unable to admit that my failure to choose a good partner was at the core of the failure. I don't like to fail and would just beat a dead horse so I wouldn't have to admit to myself that I had caused much of my own misery by choosing these men. I was truly at the point where I was ready to let myself believe that real love would never be something I would find. Maybe it didn't even exist. And then I did find it. I don't think my self esteem was much better at that moment, but it definitely is now. Real love gave me self love, which wasn't hard to accomplish with a loving partner. I can't tell you how to find real love, but I can tell you how this love is different for me. I have a partner that wants to spend time with me. I have two young children and no family other than my two older children within 700 miles. My time is limited because I have my children 24/7 with no breaks. On occasion my older daughter will babysit, as will my BF's daughter, but they both have jobs as well as attend high school. My partner enjoys spending time with my family more than my children's father (now deceased) did. He plans activities around us and that is truly sharing his life with us. Past BF's really wanted my time, not my family. Now my BF does go off without me sometimes, but I encourage that because I don't want him to feel resentment by my lack of time, but more often than not he will choose not to attend a function if I cannot get a babysitter. The difference with this man is that he doesn't get as much joy out of the event when I am not accompanying him. He truly likes to be around me. We share the same core values concerning family, money, loyalty, and respect in a relationship. We are both very physically and verbally affectionate. When he works in the yard, I do too. When he is having a problem with his tractor or motorcycle I am right there lending an ear or a helping hand. We do not live together, but assist each other with our household repairs. I do take care of most of the household chores at both homes, but I do not work outside the home and thus have the time to do so. He sleeps at my home on Thursday night, we sleep at his home on Saturday night, and Fridays we kind of split up depending on circumstances. The remaining nights we stay at our respective homes alone. We share general expenses when together. He buys groceries one time and I buy the next. We don't quibble about who paid for who's pack of cigarettes or who bought the bacon for breakfast. We have plans for living together pretty soon, yet neither of us is interested in marriage. We just want to be together more often and enjoy the possibility of sharing more dinners together. We have good communication and rarely ever argue. We do disagree, but in a way that is not demeaning to the other. I would say that we both want the others happiness so much that we will bend on things much more often than we draw the line. We have trust in one another that makes for no jealousy of any kind. In short I think that true love is wanting happiness for your partner as much as you want it for yourself. The hard part was finding someone that could be achieved with that didn't require losing ourselves in the process. I have never been happier than I am right now. I feel such balance in how we interact. I wish I had a way to give that to everyone who wants it because it is so amazing to find a good fit in a relationship. I guess I got lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 In short I think that true love is wanting happiness for your partner as much as you want it for yourself. That's beautiful. And, for the most part, grammatically correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 That is beautiful... I know what you mean about giving up. I was just there : ) I really believed that relationships were just beyond my capabilities and being single was preferable to being trapped again. My self-esteem was and is a problem, but I'm just starting to realize how bad it really is. I make friends easily, my family hates going anywhere with me because we can't make it more than a few steps without me conversing with someone. I have a lot of friends, but I realized today that I don't really maintain the friendships well. I thought it was because most of them don't really like me, they just tolerate me.... but then I realized... keyword here "I thought" I think they don't really like me, so I avoid actually contacting them, I wait for them to contact me. So I know i'm not annoying them or whatever. I'm just starting to believe that I might actually have the potential to have a real relationship someday, and even more than that I want it. I don't want "somebody" I was that special somebody... I want someone I can share my life with... someone who wants to share their life with me... And maybe... I deserve it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 Thank you for commenting on my posts... I was afraid nobody really liked them. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 My self-esteem was and is a problem, It might help to use a little more eye contact. I'm just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 I want someone I can share my life with... someone who wants to share their life with me... And maybe... I deserve it... Of course you want it and you do deserve it. One thing I tell myself is that if I had met this man years ago I may not have experienced enough heartbreak at that point to have fully appreciated him. Actually we did meet years ago, but one or the other of us was in a relationship all the time. I'm a believer in fate and karma, to an extent. I want to believe that when bad things happen to me that there is some useful purpose for it to have happened. I read your PTSD thread earlier and I can't imagine rape having a useful purpose for you, but having experienced it yourself you may have the words that could bring solace to another who shared a similar experience. I'm just talking at this point when I know I should be sleeping. I mean no offense, just trying to find optimism in dismal situations. I believe you will find your true love. People don't always like to hear it said that it finds you when you least expect it and have given up on its existence, but it does happen that way sometimes. Don't lose hope. Life still has much to offer you. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 I believe you will find your true love. Well, you haven't been wrong, yet. I bet she will notice his shoes first. Link to post Share on other sites
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 boshema, I enjoy reading your posts as well. You manage to get your feelings out in a way that is sometimes difficult to do online. Which is very impressive. Also, you remind me a bit of myself. Poor girl. I was married to an abuser most of my adult life. Followed that up with Rs with 2 more abusive men. So, like you, I have been there, done that. Not that it is a great club to be in, mind you. LOL But we have some in common nontheless. I truly believe that most of the bad choices in men go back to a low self esteem. You (and I) allowed ourselves to be treated that way, because we didn't think we were worth more. When a man payed attention to us, and wanted to be with us, we were....almost...grateful. If that makes sense. With a rock bottom self esteem, people are thrilled when someone actually seems to love them. Also, growing up without a lot good role models for love, we get a warped sense of what love is. To me, possessiveness, jealousy, controlling, all equaled love. If the guy was that "into" me, it must be love, right? I could go on and on here about emotional abuse from men, but won't. My whole life, I fell for men thinking that they loved me, and I was wrong. The point is, I had to re-learn what love really is. It's a hard thing to do, but well worth it. Take some time to work on your self esteem before getting into another relationship. And don't jump into another R simply because you are lonely and want to be in one so badly you can't stand it. When you do start seeing someone, be cautious. Look for little signs of abusive behavior (since you, like me, tend to be drawn to that type of man), and be prepared to walk away if he isn't good for you. The last was hardest for me. I'm a fiercly loyal person by nature, and always had trouble leaving a bad R, simply because I felt I should stay out of loyalty. The last thing I would suggest, do some reading on domestic violence and abusive relationships. As "victims" we tend to overlook a lot of small behaviors, and make excuses to ourselves about why our man treats us the way he does. Learn some of the early warning signs (some very, very subtle) of a man with the potential for abuse. Then, avoid those types. Someone here posted a link to an article I had read before, which helped me a lot. Actually got me out of my last bad R. The link is.. http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html . I hope some of this helps you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boshemia Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Dealing with the rape is a strange thing, it is still difficult for me not to be ashamed of it. However... in many ways it has changed my life for the better. I've always been very passive, and just the fact that I fought back was a big deal for me. Then the police dropped the ball on the investigation, and the stalking. They made it clear from the start that they didn't want to deal with it... and that left me dealing with it pretty much on my own. At first I thought I was going crazy, and there have been a few times that I did cross that line into la la land... but I'm not sure I would have fought if I wasn't forced to do it. I always saw myself as a door mat, but I discovered that once I'm pushed into a corner I can come out swinging. I have done things in the last year or so I never would have imagined. I looked him in the eye from the witness box, and even stood up to him. It helped me find a strength I never imagined that I had... I stay pretty active in the rape survivor online communities now, and I'm getting closer to the day that I can take the victims advocacy class and help others locally. I would really enjoy helping others through what I've learned. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Dealing with the rape is a strange thing, it is still difficult for me not to be ashamed of it. However... in many ways it has changed my life for the better. I've always been very passive, and just the fact that I fought back was a big deal for me. Then the police dropped the ball on the investigation, and the stalking. They made it clear from the start that they didn't want to deal with it... and that left me dealing with it pretty much on my own. At first I thought I was going crazy, and there have been a few times that I did cross that line into la la land... but I'm not sure I would have fought if I wasn't forced to do it. I always saw myself as a door mat, but I discovered that once I'm pushed into a corner I can come out swinging. I have done things in the last year or so I never would have imagined. I looked him in the eye from the witness box, and even stood up to him. It helped me find a strength I never imagined that I had... I stay pretty active in the rape survivor online communities now, and I'm getting closer to the day that I can take the victims advocacy class and help others locally. I would really enjoy helping others through what I've learned. That's a pretty healthy attitude if you ask me. I was hoping not to be offensive in presenting that bad things have had a way of presenting something good, in time, for me. A lot is attitude - in staying stuck in victim mode or getting beyond that, and you didn't stay stuck at all. I like to think I would have the courage to persist and follow through with pressing charges and facing him in court myself. Gotta give you more back pats, girl. No shame in that. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I was hoping not to be offensive I didn't think you had it in you. Anyway, if you ever need lessons, I can show you the art of the hit and run. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I didn't think you had it in you. Anyway, if you ever need lessons, I can show you the art of the hit and run. I'm a pretty quick study and having observed you in action I think I have a real understanding of the art:) You silly, silly man. Why, oh why, do I enjoy such silliness? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Real love is like a golf tee. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Real love is like a golf tee.stop spreading that lie Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 stop spreading that lie You sound like Riddler, but a little deeper. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Real love is like a golf tee. Why is that? Because it puts your balls in the firing line?? Link to post Share on other sites
hardknocks Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 You know all those old cliche's about you will know it when it happens? It's true. There's not a lot of guess work to it. When you truly fall in love... there will be no doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Real love is like a golf tee. Because you can never find it again after you have had your first shot. Link to post Share on other sites
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