newmom Posted November 19, 2002 Share Posted November 19, 2002 i have a problem with my husband. the problem is that he likes to look at porn on the internet. there are many reasons that this bothers me, but the main one is that it makes me feel insecure and it hurts my feelings. i really want to talk to him and make him understand, and i have tried, but nothing seems to stop him. i want to know what i can say to him without getting too angry and putting him on the defense. i feel like i cant trust him, and it is really putting a strain on our marriage, and he dosent even know it! we are newely married and have a young son. please dont suggest that i leave him, that is out of the question. i need help! i origionally posted this on the jealousy forum, but thought that this forum was appropriate too. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 19, 2002 Share Posted November 19, 2002 I would print out your post and show it to him, or at least tell him everything you said to us. He needs to know exactly how he's hurting you Link to post Share on other sites
lynn Posted December 1, 2002 Share Posted December 1, 2002 IT IS NOT OKAY!!! I DONT CARE HOW MUCH HE TRYS TO TELL YOU YOUR THE INSECURE ONE AND ITS NO HARM . I KNOW YOU HAVE A CHILD AND WHEN I WAS IN THAT SITUATION I WOULD RATIONALIZE IT TO MYSELF BECAUSE I COULDNT BARE TO SPLIT UP MY FAMILYBUT IN DOING SO I ALSO GAVE UP MY BELIEFS AND VALUES AND RESPECT BECAUSE ITS NOT OKAY AND ITS NOT WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR LIFE DO YOU? pEOPLE WILL TREAT YOU LIKE YOU LET THEM, GIVE AN INCH THEY DO TAKE A MILE. HOPE IT HELPED Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 4, 2002 Share Posted December 4, 2002 My b/f used to look at porn all the time. I would be asleep in bed, and he would wake up early and go look at pictures of other women. I can tell you it hurt me and made me very very angry. I told him of my insercurities and that the only reason I was pissed off is that he didn't wake up early and ever give me a hug, or snuggle for a while. When I told him this it wasn't me blaming him, but me explaining why I felt that way. I have found guys instantly see a women start to blame him and get defensive. You need to explain to your husband how you feel and just need to know why he does it, and if it is because he needs the attraction try and start doing things for him (don't try to "win" him back as he is already yours. In the short of it, my b/f said he would stop and delete his porn. He didn't delete it so I did. He came back one day and said he had 3gig free on his hard drive and who he should thank. You just need to talk with your husband without the primal erge to yell and kick and scream and yell. I know it is hard. If after that he refuses to even admit he may have a problem or that he won't stop because he enjoys looking at other women, you then need to do something about it. But lets not cross that path till we come too it. Good luck *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
ellegee Posted December 12, 2002 Share Posted December 12, 2002 You need to tell him that it disturbs you, and more, you need to tell him WHY it disturbs you. He's probably a pretty decent guy or you wouldn't have married him, right? If you tell him that it hurts your feelings, he might be willing to listen. The other thing you should take into account is how much porn and how often. If it's only once in a while, maybe you shouldn't worry too much. Most guys like porn and are probably going to seek it out every now and then. If he's constantly checking out porn, to the point where it's crippling his REAL relationship with a REAL woman, then you'll have to do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
sally Posted December 12, 2002 Share Posted December 12, 2002 hi new mom, once you have told your husband about your insecurities, maybe you could talk about what your husband finds so appealing about watching porn. You could incorporate some of his fantasies into your sex life? Most of us never like to really admit what we are turned on by. You might even find you get more out of your sex life as well. It is all about communicating. Your husband probably has no idea how much it is upsetting you. Unfortunately, our society sees porn and playboy as pretty much acceptable, he's probably been masturbating to playboy longer than you guys have been together......you really shouldn't feel insecure because you are a beautiful woman and you shouldn't forget that......enjoy your body, enjoy your husband and watch porn together...... Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 12, 2002 Share Posted December 12, 2002 When I was first dating my husband I found all sorts of porn in his apartment (this was before home computers). I was honest and told him that I found it totally disrespectful to me and that it made me feel like the fungus spores that stick to snails armpits. We had not progressed to intimacy at that point in our relationship, but we knew we had a future. I gently reminded him that he once told me he wanted to make me happy and would never hurt me and that I found the porn to be doing just that - hurting me. I felt bad about myself and when someone told me to get a grip, I said I did have a grip - a firm grip on what I found acceptable and where I would compromise. I wish that my husband had never felt he needed or wanted porn, but we did talk about it and I accepted that he wanted it when he was single and it stopped bothering me that he indulged in porn before we met. Guys & girls need to realize that just because you look at porn and DON'T compare it to your spouse or bf/gf, does not mean that your spouse or bf/gf isn't comparing it to themselves. It's going to make most people uncomfortable at least and maybe devastating to some. If it's an addiction then the person needs help. If a person won't stop looking at porn for the one they are supposed to love, then that person doesn't love the other enough. Habits are hard to break, but if someone really tries to change this behavior and you can tell that they are trying, then a little slip up shouldn't be catastrophic. Have a serious talk with him and don't yell or be angry. Try not to cry but try to tell him how you feel and then be quiet and ask him to tell you how he feels. Bottom line is: He has a behavior that is hurting you and he made a commitment to not hurt you so the behavior needs to stop. Perhaps some counseling will help so that you can both find out WHY he feels he needs porn and help both of you work through the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
sheeba Posted March 20, 2003 Share Posted March 20, 2003 my hubby doesn't look at porn-so i can't help you there-i think what my DH does (or should i say DID) was far worse. he used to live for hours on that earthcam TV-where they basically have people with their own TV channels-showing you their nudie selves all day. yes. it made feel totally insecure. he laughed it off and continued. i am not really the ultimatum type-but yeah-this time i put my size thumbalina foot down. i told him it was me or interactive TV. tell your husband how you feel-if that doesn't work demand he respect your feelings-and if he still won't-would he go to counseling maybe? i dunno. good luck and big hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
cs20thcenturyfo Posted April 15, 2003 Share Posted April 15, 2003 My when I was living with my ex he used to look at porn and it bug the heck out of me, then I realized that I'd rather him look at porn than go out and have an affair. We came to an agreement that he wouldn't do all the time, and it didn't affect our sex life at all. Point, it's better than having him go out and get a REAL woman and have sex with her. But that's just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Onnie Posted April 16, 2003 Share Posted April 16, 2003 I've got to start this off with....men are visual creatures (more so than women), almost every man I know owns/rents/ or wishes he could star in pornography. Most likely your husband has been using it since he was a young teen. But If the material that he views on the internet is immoral to you or illegal, you could have a major problem. If he is interested in say underage girls or bestiality...he could have fetishes. And a man with a fetish cannot be separated from his pleasure supply (porn). I know, I've worked in an 'adult bookstore' for years. And if this is so...I suggest counseling. But if you husband is just into vanilla/straight-laced porn....I see that as perfectly normal. You could ask him to stop viewing it out of respect for you....but you have to understand what your asking. You asking him to stop visual sexual pleasure that he enjoys with no strings attached (until you lay a guilt trip on him that is). My honest advise....look at what makes you feel so insecure about porn and your husband's sexual turn-ons....rent a mild adult film and watch it with him...you might be pleasantly surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 16, 2003 Share Posted April 16, 2003 I'm in the camp that says guys like to look and some looking's ok. I know one fellow who used to look at porn because he had a fetish he was ashamed of. It isn't a horrible one at all; something that lots of people do, but he was ashamed of it and thought his wife would hate him or be disgusted by it, so he looked at it online. I agree with Hokey; find out if your guy is interested in some sort of fantasy but is ashamed of it or afraid to tell you about it. People keep forgetting that men are insecure in relationships, too. The guy I knew was positive he'd lose his wife if he ever told her about this harmless fantasy of his!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jeepgirl Posted April 21, 2003 Share Posted April 21, 2003 New mom, I know how you feel. I've been married almost a year and my husband looks at naked women too. He started looking on the computer while we were still dating, and I discovered it because he reset my homepage to some XXX website. After fighting, he said he'd stop. But as soon as he thought I forgot about it, he did it again, only because he figured out where the delete history button is. Anyway, we've gone through several fights about this already to no avail. He recently told me he'd started masturbating again to pics of "girls in bikinis", which of course, progressed to pics of porn stars. When I found this, I emailed him the pics I knew he'd downloaded. He refuses to discuss this issue with me, because "men are visual", and he sees nothing wrong with it, even though it makes me feel so insecure. Plus, by comparison, he was having more sex with himself and his internet pics than with me!! I don't know what to do either. I feel like I'm not exciting to him anymore, or that he's bored with me, and it really hurts... Link to post Share on other sites
jeepgirl Posted April 21, 2003 Share Posted April 21, 2003 One more thing - my hubby also told me before that I should be happy (as if!) that he's only looking at pics of women that he'll never meet as opposed to his uncle and another man who are actively cheating on their wives. What kind of justification is that?? Happy my a**..... Link to post Share on other sites
Fragile17 Posted May 19, 2003 Share Posted May 19, 2003 Im a new mother too and my son is 4 months old and I just got married to rob two weeks ago. MY friend shara was on the my computer burning a CD and she found two porns in the music file and started laughing. My husband is such a sensitive and apropriate man that i was shocked. I asked him about it and he told me he deleted thema nd that they got uploaded. But i saw the time and day he downloaded them. So i was devastated because im a new mom and my confidence obviously dropped when i got pregant and more so now. and i was crushed I felt inadequate and like i wasnt satisfying him. He said it has nothing to with me and that he was so sorry and that it would never happen again. I still want to bring it upall the time but i dont. to lust for someone else is just as bad as cheating. You mean to say that if hes looking at women on the computer hes not looking at women on the streets. Disqusting. So I told him that i felt like he cheated on me and it would take a while for me to get over it. Hes started crying and was all upset and reassured me that everything would be fine. The next day i went on a rampage and found two porns in his bottom drawer. i was so upset.IM so emotional on top of all this. He got home from work and we threw them out together. I will leave him if it happens again...maybe not for good but if he cant appreciate me and my body then im gone and maybe he'll miss it when its not here..Leaving for a few weeks isnt a divorce but sometimes it will scare them enough ....serious...good luck..just pray for him... melanie I HATE PORN...EIWWW... Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted May 23, 2003 Share Posted May 23, 2003 I'm actually amazed at some of the comments here. It seems like some of the women here have a problem with the physical act of masturbation. If this is the case due to some religious belief you have, and your husband has no problem with the act, then your issues lie beyond pornography and into the realm of religious differences. And I'm surprised if this is the first arguement that was had as a result of these differences. I am a man. I look at porn. And I masturbate. I like it, for me its like having a beer, or smoking a cigar. A "naughty" habit perhaps, but one that brings me joy. I also have a live-in gf. We have a great sex life. And the two are not related whatsoever. I don't think of other women when i have sex with my gf. She is beautiful and great in bed, and thats all I need. And sometimes... I think of my girlfriend when looking at porn. If you have moral issues with women disrobing for men's pleasure then I think you have the hangups and the problems, not your husband. (assuming this is "legitimite porn", like another poster mentioned if its getting into the underage/beastialtiy/whatever else is on the internet, of course he probably has issues that need to be worked out). Otherwise its a very natural, pleasureable experience, and besides your own selfishness, I don't see any reason to deny him. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted May 23, 2003 Share Posted May 23, 2003 I tend to agree with Gray. It seems a lot of people lead sheltered lives, or wish to. As far as the one comment where the woman said her husband made her feel insecure, I think only YOU allow yourself to feel insecure. Try to do something about your own self-esteem and stop blaming him for being human. Nobody can control how you feel except you. If something your spouse is doing bothers you, then by all means try discussing it with them. But I think it is a mistake to just demand that they stop. All this will accomplish is that they will become more secretive about it. Secrets are no good for a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 I left a 5 year-relationship partly because my partner had an obsession with porn, which made me feel really bad. As a young adult and a VERY flat chested girl I wasn't 100% comfortable with my body and seeing the person I loved getting excited beyond belief for a bunch of scantily clad bimboes with silicone breasts absolutely ruined my self-confidence. I started avoiding sex and when I told him how i felt, he brushed it off with naft comments like "but you know I love you the way you are" and he served me the rubbish about men being "visual" some of you have mentionned. But the truth behind all that was : this guy wasn't trying to make me feel good about myself. He would discuss female bodies with his mates in front of me as if they were pieces of meat. Our sex life was boring. He was living in a fantasy porn world and kept making nasty comments about my body or my clothes. Eventually I left. Years after I met another guy who was also a big porn user, but things with him took a very unexpected turn. This guy treated me with consideration. Yes, he used porn, but he included me into his fantasy world. He took lots of pictures of me and kept telling me how much he liked my body. We used to video ourselves in bed and_well, we made our own porn. And from then I didn't really mind him using porn anymore. I think the reason why us women can feel so hurt by pornography is that it is still primarily directed at men. It is something that excludes us and upon which we have no control. They do it behind our backs, they enjoy it without us, and they forget about the loving woman waiting for them in bed. And that woman, too, has sexual fantasies. If you tried to turn his little hobby into something that made you feel included, loved and sexually powerful, something that would allow you to share a new type of sexual complicity, then you might find it easier to cope with . Your husband needs to make you feel like a sexual woman again. And watching porn behind your back is not going to sort things out. Link to post Share on other sites
NewzBunny Posted May 31, 2003 Share Posted May 31, 2003 Ok. I have a man that collects porn as a sport. He never even looks at it unless he's in the process of downloading it. I find it bizarre, but I also find the act of looking at porn completely human. We all have fantasies, and yes... we ALL look at the "Menu" even if we are on a diet. I would think something was wrong with my man if he didn't look at porn. I do feel insecure at times. Most of his collection is "teen" type porn... something I could never compete with at the ripe old age of "26". The legal ones of course. But I think it has something to do with high school fantasies... I'm not sure. It's not harmful, I've learned to accept that it's just part of something he either missed out on or something that brings back memories of his "sowing his oats" days. I just put myself in his shoes. Be D****d if he tells me I can't scope out a hot guy every once in a while. We both know who we will be going to bed with at night... and sometimes that porn keeps us up together a little longer if you know what I mean. I watch it with him occasionally. Does wonders for the sex drive. I just wish women would see porn as a help instead of a hindrance. I think if you are communicating about it and "sharing the wealth", it's perfectly natural. I do agree, that if it is a fetish situation, then some problems need to be worked out. But just looking and collecting is normal. Boys will be boys, and if you're too insecure to deal with the human nature of a man, you need to seek help for your insecurities. Besides, most men think the sexiest thing about a woman is all in her confidence about herself. He chose you for a reason... he chooses to look at porn for a totally different reason than you. Don't take it personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 31, 2003 Share Posted May 31, 2003 You make some good points but, at the same time, you are quite unusual. It seems your guy found just the right gal!!! I personally don't think any man in a committed relationship ought to be filling his sacks with porn off the Internet under any circumstances. There are a lot more wholesome and harmless sports to be obsessed with. But those are my own feelings...and you are certainly entitled to yours. Have a great weekend! Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted May 31, 2003 Share Posted May 31, 2003 rock on newzbunny, it has taken me a LONG time to be comfortable with the whole idea of my boyfreind looking at porn, and at times it does bother me, and make me feel insecure, but hey, I am human too, right? I agree that a whole lot of ladies here would feel better about their men looking at porn on a "normal" basis if they looked at it with them. Like I said forever ago, most guys are going to prefer a "real" woman over a porn star. Link to post Share on other sites
Suzie Q Posted June 4, 2003 Share Posted June 4, 2003 Hi, first congrats on your new baby! There isn't anything wrong with looking, I know you said it hurts your feelings, but try it your self maybe, or do it together! It's not for everyone, of course, but just looking at pictures is just that. I don't know how old your baby is, but if he is really young, you are going through a lot of hormonal changes, and it does tend to make people paranoid, belive me I know! There are so many changes in your body and your life that you have to cope with after a new baby, it's really tough in this day and age, and you find what ever ways you can to cope and to get through every day, and your hubby is doing the same thing, men were raised to ignore their feeling (at least my generation...60's) and they don't tend to talk things out as much as women...so they find coping skill through other means. If your hubby is sitting at home, looking at pics of naked women on the computer...I really don't think it is anything to worry about. Have you never gone past a construction sight and just sneaked a quick peek at one of the tanned bodies glistening in the sun? Doesn't mean anything, except you appreciate the art of the human body. You also (if you gained as much weight as I did when I was pregnate) you are feeling insecure because you just had a baby and your belly is loose and flabby, your breasts are really large and uncomfortable, but it won't be that way forever. You will gain your confidence back and will also get your body back...it just takes a little time...and a little effort. With a new baby chances are you are getting a fair amount of excersize already, but do a few things to work on your tummy...breast feeding is not only good for your baby it also helps to shrink the uteris back to it's normal size, a few crunches worked great for me! I gained 66 lbs both times I was pregnate...UGH! Also only had 7lb babies! The rest was all me! I felt terrible and used to cry looking at my clothes with the little waist lines, but I concentrated on my babies and working on improving my figure, and before I knew it I was back to normal, and it really builds your self esteem because after that you feel like you could conquer the world! Try just telling your husband that you are just going through a lot right now trying to adjust to your new life as a mom, and that you understand he is going through a similar process. Also tell him that you really don't mind if he looks at picture of naked women and that you just felt a little bad because you would prefere that he look at you, but just tell him you understand. I think after you talk to him like that you might just see his computer time decrease dramatically. Good luck to you and your new family! I hope this helps a little! But just belive that you won't feel like this forever! You just had a baby and that is quite an accomplishment! Also you have to understand that you are now paying a lot of attention to the new baby and a lot less to your husband, of course that is the way it has to be for now, but he feels the effects. Really, don't worry about it...he's home with you! You will feel better very soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Platoface Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 What I see from my own marriage here is that when my wife finds out that I looked at porn online to satiate myself sexually she gets angry, makes me feel guilty AND then withholds sex from me for a while because she is angry. All of the sudden I am supposed to have the will of Jobe and be celibate for 1 month. Kind of seems impossible to me. I have gone a total of 4 dyas w/o masturbating since I was 14. Now I am supposed to go by what my wife says or she will leave me as she has threatened many times. I am not a saint and I find my wife very attractive and sexually appealing. I have a HIGHER sex drive than she does but now I am supposed to be on her clock cycle. I have to initiate sex but only when she lets me. Here's to all the saints in this forum who are a better man than I. I bring up the fact that she is addicted to cigs and that is harmful to me since she will most likely die an early death and leave me and my stepson prematurely. But apparently her cigs are the freakin holy grail. I have issues... Link to post Share on other sites
ellmeg11 Posted September 8, 2003 Share Posted September 8, 2003 my husband looks at porn too but is trying to quit. You have to understand that porn is an addiction like alcohol, ciggaretts, or any other drug. TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL!!! don't attack him, but share your feelings. If he loves you he will listen. ask him what it is that interests him about porn. is it just because of bordome, or is he looking for something specific? I hate to say it, but he probubly feels unsatisfied. try to talk to him about what the two of you can do to make your sex life more interesting. not just for him but for you too. try sharing some of your fantasies with him to help him feel more comfortable talking about his. he won't quit his first try, but it will get better. be prepared that he will still masterbate even if there's no porn involved. men just need more sex than women (generally speeking). I know how hurtful it is to think your lover would rather look at porn, but he's not doing it because he doesn't love you or think your beutiful. In my case my husband just needs something new every once in a wile. Because we can comunicate our feelings to each other he now knows he can seek his fantasies through me instead of porn. I know it's a hard issue to talk about and deal with, but it will never get better unless you talk with him in a loving supporting way. Link to post Share on other sites
Lex Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 I'm a girl, but I have to agree with Gary. I think you need to do some serious soul searching and find out why it bothers you. I can understand if he is looking at the illegal stuff, or if it is somehow directly affecting your relationship ( like he doesn't want to spend time with you or have sex with you because of his porn viewing) but otherwise what is the problem? Last I knew no one is able to jump through the computer yet. And it's not like the girls are giving him adresses of places to meet him at. He probably doesn't wean it as a diss to you. Many guys just like porn it is pleasurable for them. Of course, he shouldn't dismiss your feelings if you so tell him your side though. Both of you should be respectful of the other one's feelings. Have you ever thought of looking with him? It may add some spark to your own sex life... Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 Originally posted by Gray I'm actually amazed at some of the comments here. It seems like some of the women here have a problem with the physical act of masturbation. Not at all, I have no problems with my b/f pleasuring himself. Him doing so while thinking of other women, or having nekid women (who are not me) within his eyesight is what I have a problem with. Link to post Share on other sites
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