ArdeaCandidissima Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 I see some divergent views here, so I'll throw mine in. Yes, it's hard to separate men from their porn. We small-breasted insecure women sometimes try to do so. I felt that way in my 20s, but now I'm 40 and I take a very open-minded view of visual stimulation for him or me. If porn is used as part of a committed relationship, where both partners get involved and get some stimulation, then go on to pleasure each other, it's not a whole lot different from the blindfolds, vibrators, and KY that are also in the bedside table. You'll probably need some women-created erotica for this. 99% of the porn out there is BY men, FOR men, all about MEN'S desires. Did someone say women aren't visual? I have sat through several R-rated movies that had me breathing fast and shallow and squirming in my seat. What I have seen frequently as a big problem for SOME men using porn is that a stack of magazines and their hand becomes a substitute for intimacy with their wife. The magazines and the fantasy girls don't ever ask him to throw his beer cans in the recycling or say that they're tired, so they get all his "action". As a previous poster said, there may be a loving, sex-starved wife lying in bed in the other room. She could masturbate too, and then they would both have their sexual needs "filled" without coming near each other. And one of the potentially best things about their marriage would wither away... I know two marriages that are failing now, with self centered porn/masturbation a proximate cause or symptom. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayne Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 The porn issue is a difficult one... some people believe it is a sin or is wrong, some people use it as a marital aid, some people do actually enjoy it together. Men are very visual... and they do not think in the same way that women do about sex. If your sex life has not changed due to this behaviour, then his porn watching probably has nothing to do with you. He doesn't compare you to those women... he just needs some visual stimulation. In my view, you can do one of two things here: a) Tell him how much it bothers you, and see how he responds. Examine carefully why it bothers you, and discuss it together. If you are both honest with each other about why he uses it and why you are bothered by it, you might both be surprised at the other's response. b) Join him. Pick out a porn tape that doesn't feel as offensive to you... (the Playboy ones are quite tasteful) and surprise him by watching it together. You might just have the hottest experience of your life! I hope everything works out... for both of you. Best of luck either way. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyX Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 ALL the men I know look at porn.....it's not unusual. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 im going to throw in the modest view here- i think a man is DISRESPECTING his wife if hes looking at porn. and it doesnt really matter if you say it would be the womans problem and not the mans.......its a matter of respect and decency. dump the loser if he cant respect what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 I don't agree. It's a matter of what sort, how much, and why. If wife is too tired or ill or just not available to have sex and man is good to go, let him. Porn is a quick turn-on for a quick release. I think it's a problem if it's done to the exclusion of sex with a wife or in preference to it, but as a matter of convenience, why ever not. Sometimes, too, men have fantasies they wouldn't want to carry out but they like to explore through porn, which is also fine. Some men have fantasies they think their wives would hate them for, too. A healthy fantasy life is supposed to be good for people so I really don't see the harm if it is done in moderation. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 My husband used to look at porn, and I didn't like it, so I told him not to. Then, I looked at the history on our computer, and found out that he still looked at it. When I confronted him, he lied about it! I showed him the proof, and then he confessed that he lied. He quit looking at porn after that. I asked him why he needed to look at it so badly, and at first he made a snippy remark about our bedroom relationship. So then I told him that I wasn't the one who was the less interested party. I tried to be exactly what he wanted in the bedroom, but then I decided it wasn't worth it. He never really could give me a straight answer as to why he liked looking at it. So I started looking at porn He had a Playboy Magazine that came in the mail, that he wasn't allowed to look at, so I looked at it. Then I started looking it up on the internet, and watching his old Porn movies. All this time, he respected me, and didn't look at porn once. Then, I started liking it! I didn't know why...it just has a kinky feel to it....and kinkyness can be good in a marriage. I then decided that a little bit of spice in a marriage isn't such a big deal. Let him look at it! I'll just look at it more . So now, we've come to an understanding that we are both adults, and it's not a big deal. The other day, I saw where he'd looked at a dirty website, and so I asked him if he'd been looking at porn again. He said he hadn't! I started laughing at him, and showed him the proof, and he got really embarassed. I told him that I didn't care if he looked at it, but not to lie to me about it. He said it embarassed him. I think that's kind of funny that he's embarassed My solution may not work for you, but I don't see the harm in it any more. I did't like him looking at it, but I figured if he wanted to look at naked women, then I'd look at naked men!!! My theory was, if it doesn't bother him, then it shouldn't bother me (aka...I thought I wasn't attractive enough, so he needed to look at other women....so I got upset...therefore, if me looking at other men bothers him, then my theory is correct, and if it doesn't bother him, then he's not intimidated by these men that I'm looking at.....so he wasn't looking because I wasn't good enough, but because he was just curious....I hope I made sense!) I agree with the above posts that if something bothers you, then you aren't the one to blame...your husband should love and respect you enough to not do something that makes you feel bad or insecure. Maybe you could look at it from a different angle though, and not think of it as a bad thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Crystal Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I see both points of view here, but I have the somewhat different problem. It's not that my husband looks at porn, it's that he looks at it too much. Yes, I have an insecurity problem and I'm working on it. I'm within my weight range but I'm not happy with my looks, so for the past two months I have been on a diet and working out four days a week. My problem is that I start to feel good about myself even sexy and then I notice that while my husband was home for lunch he was looking at porn and pleasuring himself. He also does it in the morning after I leave for work, while I'm taking a shower, or after I go to bed. After I go to bed is not the problem though, it's all the other times. For one, he's not asking or seeing if maybe I would like to have sex that day. I've told him several times that I don't like having sex with him within the same day he has pleasured himself because sex is not as intense, in fact it's some what boring, it's like he's doing a chore. When he has gone a few days without both he really gets into it and gets aggressive, makes me feel like he really wants and desires me. We have discussed this porn issue to death, I've taken most of the advice posted here and tried it out. We've been married 5 years and I've gone from absolutely no porn in the house to his overly large stash he has now. I've told him I don't mind him looking at it, hell, last Christmas I bought him a subscription to Playboy, we have several porns that are accessible upstairs and downstairs, my problem is his "porn" file on the computer is 4.25gb and he still gets on the internet 3-4 times a week and downloads more. Oh he recycles it, but with all the porn he already has why does he need even more of a variety so many times a week? I've asked him to slow the porn searches down to once a week and not to add anymore to his "porn" file and he agreed but in the last 6 days, three of those days he searched porn and downloaded 399 more pictures. On top of that he deletes all the history, cookies and temp files even though all I have to do is look at the properties of the pics to find out when they were downloaded. It makes me wonder what else he is doing on the internet that he has to cover his tracks. We currently live in Germany and he doesn't speak German so I know he's not trying to hook up with someone around here, but if he knows I know what he's doing than why delete it? I've tried sitting down and looking with him, it took a couple of arguments to get him to agree but he's still looking too much. If he can't be satisfied with his mags, dvd porns, huge porn file on the computer to where he has to get new stuff every couple of days then why should I feel secure and that he's happy with just me. I've tried to be understanding, I've tried to compromise, and I'm sick of it. When is enough, enough? So to the people who say that we need to get over our issues about porn what is your advice about this situation? How much should a wife put up with because men are "visual creatures"? I'm not a prude, we have on several occasions had sex while watching porns, I have yoys, lotions an arsenal of lingerie, so what's your advice cause I'm fed up with it and I'm on the verge of making the ultimatum, me or the porn. Link to post Share on other sites
coldheart Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Porn Good. Insecure wives bad. Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Crystal - I personally have no problem with men and porn. I, myself like porn. However, I think your husband does have a problem. It seems to be far more excessive than I would call healthy and I understand why you are so upset about it. He appears to be addicted. Have you asked him why he has gone back on what you agreed? I think you need to tell him very clearly that his porn addiction is turning you off him and that if some real, permanent changes are not made immediately, he will kill your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
lotsoffun Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Does anyone else besides me feel that this topic is getting SO old!? Link to post Share on other sites
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