I screwed up

[Guest]

I screwed up so badly..

my boyfriend and I have just been in a LDR over a month, and one unreasonable fight changed everything...

he used to be very very loving, caring and sweet all the time, and I'm the type that's extremely insecure and always need reassurance...

he tries his best to reassure me and make me feel love everyday...yet I wasn't satisfied..

 

Finally one day I got upset at him again becuz he was late, and I got really upset also due to the fact that I was in a pretty depressing mood.

We had a big fight.

After that, his attitude completely changed.

He didn't call me nor chat with me for 5 days, he only replied my email maybe once or twice a day (normally we talk at least two hours a day and messages several times a day).

 

When I finally get to talk to him today online, that's 5 days after the fight, his attitude changed.

I can tell that he isn't as in love with me anymore...

I screwed up completely...

I've ruined the relationship.

He would used to say I love you everyday and I know he meant ti when he says it, now he refused to say it and even if he did, it didn't sound right.

I made him tired, yes I didn't give him enough space, I drove him thsi way...

 

I feel so horrible...i couldn't eat for two days, I cried so much but I stlil had to pretend that I'm really good when I see him on webcam today.

I dunno what to do anymore...I've messed it all up....ruining the one thing that mean so much to me.

The mroe I was worried, the more I drove him away.

I'm really sad.

[thatmatt]

guest, you sound very similar to my ex girlfriend. Similar occurences happened between me and her, similar fights, etc. Over the past few days, is it you who has been initiating talking? How long were you two together before LDR? It sounds like everything just kind of piled up on him, and he snapped a little, which is understandable. I know for me when I gave and gave and gave, and got mostly negative in return from her, I started to not love her as much. I'm not saying this to scare you, but I've been in a very similar situation before. My advice is to just give him space and ask him what he needs right now. I know space sounds really scary, but this is just one fight, and it's something you both can work through, just look at it as something that will help the relationship grow. Good luck!

[Trialbyfire]

While needing constant reassurances from someone isn't the greatest way to continue a relationship, one fight shouldn't change someone's feelings if those emotions are deep enough. If they do, keep in mind that there are a ton of men out there who have more consistency.

 

LDRs are a lot of work and require trust and patience. You might want to consider someone closer to home who can be with you more often.

[Guest]

I'm very in love with this man and I really thought he's the one...

We are in very serious relationship and had plans to live together in one place eventually within the year...but after he went back to his country, his lifestyle changed, cultural change....everything starts to fall apart.

One fight wasn't all that was, probably more piled up before that.

 

I called him this morning and wanted to just be honest w/ each other, he did mention that at this point he can't really think about me becuz he has alot on his plate...and I know that I gave him too much pressure becuz he admit that one year isn't enough for him to prepare.

 

I know that I screwed up so badly for pushing him harder and harder..until I finally realize it, it's too late already.

I asked him if he stlil want us to work out though, I'm not sure if he doesn't want to hurt me or if he really meant it but he said he does. Just that he needs more time, and one year isn't enough.

 

I love him so much, and I just lost myself somehow...not realizing how destructive my problem was....I can only pray that things will not get any worse...I don't want to push him anymore.

[catrocks]

He says that 1 year isn't enough, well how much time does he need?

From what you've said he sounds very immature. Perhaps you did push him but there is no need to ignore you for 5 days or whatever. No relationship (and especially not a long distance one) can survive without communication.

I would give him some space like everyone else has said but also think about what you want.... do you want to worry all the time that something you say might push him into ignoring you again? I don't think that's any way to be treated by your other half.

But give him time and he might come around, and try to explain why you pushed him, tell him you will try your best not to do it again, but also tell him that you need communication if it's gonna work and not immature behaviour like that.

I hope it works out

[thatmatt]

good point catrocks about communication in a LDR. Although 5 days is a long time and a bit immature, this was probably just building up for him. It sounds like he got a lot going on right now, and he probably just needs the relationship to be supportive of him rather than asking a lot of him right now, so even though he is taking quite a bit of space, just being supportive of him could do wonders to improve your communication as well as getting over this incident.

[Guest]

good point catrocks about communication in a LDR. Although 5 days is a long time and a bit immature, this was probably just building up for him. It sounds like he got a lot going on right now, and he probably just needs the relationship to be supportive of him rather than asking a lot of him right now, so even though he is taking quite a bit of space, just being supportive of him could do wonders to improve your communication as well as getting over this incident.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore...my guys friends think I shouldnt' contact him at all until he finds me...but some other friends think I can at least send an email asking how his days go...I dunno...I'm so afraid of pushing him away...

 

It's just too painful to see such dramatic change...

I end up in emergency room this morning..and got some anxiety prescription.

I feel so regret.

[catrocks]

Email him, just say hi, how was your day, don't go into too much detail but make the first step. Just let him know that you're still thinking of him and wondering where he is and what he's doing but that you know he needs space. Give him 10 days and then send him a proper email explaining how you feel and how upset you are that he hasn't called at least to see how you are. And if that doesn't work then walk away. I know I couldn't deal with playing that game and you shouldn't have to either.

[thatmatt]

I agree with catrocks, put the ball in his court. You sound like you have a lot of regrets about pushing him away that are eating at you, but I think it will help if you put the ball in his court, and admit that although you made mistakes (which EVERYBODY in EVERY relationship does), you've done what you can to make things right. Don't look at this as something you screwed up, because that's not doing you any good. Just learn from this experience, and know that you're doing all you can, I hope you can give yourself some grace, I think that will help your anxiety. good luck!

[Guest]

I agree with catrocks, put the ball in his court. You sound like you have a lot of regrets about pushing him away that are eating at you, but I think it will help if you put the ball in his court, and admit that although you made mistakes (which EVERYBODY in EVERY relationship does), you've done what you can to make things right. Don't look at this as something you screwed up, because that's not doing you any good. Just learn from this experience, and know that you're doing all you can, I hope you can give yourself some grace, I think that will help your anxiety. good luck!

 

Hi everyone...thanks for the input.....I finally got the bigger picture here now...other than the fact I nag too much, he's the one who's getting tired of not just the pressure but also he doesn't want to come back here anymore.....I knew that once he go back he wouldn't want to leave...and he's telling me he maybe thinking about breaking up...I'm so sad...so hurt...how could he say and be so sweet and loving to me a week ago and now telling me he's not sure? All our plans he just cancelled......he told me he'll never change and that we will be together....and now he's giving up on me...I'm so hurt...I love him so much.....I dunno what to do anymore...I don't want to break up, I really love him.

[catrocks]

Hi everyone...thanks for the input.....I finally got the bigger picture here now...other than the fact I nag too much, he's the one who's getting tired of not just the pressure but also he doesn't want to come back here anymore.....I knew that once he go back he wouldn't want to leave...and he's telling me he maybe thinking about breaking up...I'm so sad...so hurt...how could he say and be so sweet and loving to me a week ago and now telling me he's not sure? All our plans he just cancelled......he told me he'll never change and that we will be together....and now he's giving up on me...I'm so hurt...I love him so much.....I dunno what to do anymore...I don't want to break up, I really love him.

 

Hi, I just wanted to mention that the whole saying he loves you one minute and being unsure the next happened to me in my first serious relationship at 17. At the weekend he said he loved me. On the Tuesday I flipped out about something and had an argument. That afternoon he said he didn't love me anymore and broke up with me. It took me 2 years to properly get over him because he never told me why. After 2 years I was talking to him and he told me he had made a mistake and wanted me back. I didn't take him back, instead I started dating the guy I am now going to marry and I have never been happier.

 

With the first guy, Alex, I really think that he was too immature to know what love was, which is why he would tell me he loved me one minute and dump me the next. I think he got love confused with lust. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but it just seemed very familiar to me and it made me wonder how old this guy is and whether he really knows what he's doing here.

 

What I did was completely forget about him and threw myself into another relationship, which was inevitably doomed from the beginning because I hadn't given myself enough time to grieve for the end of my relationship with Alex. If it is truly over ask him to explain why, which will make it that much easier to move on. If he ever cared about you he will tell you.

 

Sorry that was depressing, like I said I don't know if this is the same situation for you, I just thought it might help you if it is the same thing.

[Sweetie2007]

I just don't know what to do anymore...my guys friends think I shouldnt' contact him at all until he finds me...but some other friends think I can at least send an email asking how his days go...I dunno...I'm so afraid of pushing him away...

 

It's just too painful to see such dramatic change...

I end up in emergency room this morning..and got some anxiety prescription.

I feel so regret.

 

I know it's hard, but the same thing happened to me, I asked and asked of my BF, and finally, with everything else that he had, he just said that he couldn't talk to me for a while, he wanted a break. I flipped, thought it was over, blablabla, you get the picture. I sent him daily messages, I told him everythign I felt, whatever, that didn't help, he had way too much to do, and just needed me to be there for him, not nag at him because he was late, or because he didn't get online immediately when he was supposed to. So anyway, 5 days later he realized how much he missed me, and came back, asking for me to take him back, saying he was sorry, the works. It wasn't easy, we argued, and tried to figure things out for the next 3 weeks, but we got it together, and are still together now.... so... give him space, tell him your there if he needs you, that you love him, and want him to do well with w/e he is doing. Just be supportive, and patient, and less clingy, for a while, give him his space, and if he truly loves you, then he'll realize your doing everything you can, and things should return to normal....

 

I hope this helped, good luck!

[Guest]

I know it's hard, but the same thing happened to me, I asked and asked of my BF, and finally, with everything else that he had, he just said that he couldn't talk to me for a while, he wanted a break. I flipped, thought it was over, blablabla, you get the picture. I sent him daily messages, I told him everythign I felt, whatever, that didn't help, he had way too much to do, and just needed me to be there for him, not nag at him because he was late, or because he didn't get online immediately when he was supposed to. So anyway, 5 days later he realized how much he missed me, and came back, asking for me to take him back, saying he was sorry, the works. It wasn't easy, we argued, and tried to figure things out for the next 3 weeks, but we got it together, and are still together now.... so... give him space, tell him your there if he needs you, that you love him, and want him to do well with w/e he is doing. Just be supportive, and patient, and less clingy, for a while, give him his space, and if he truly loves you, then he'll realize your doing everything you can, and things should return to normal....

 

I hope this helped, good luck!

 

Thanks so much...I talked to him again, he wrote to me telling me everything he felt finally....about how he doesn't think he can move back here within two years, how he can't come back to visit in summer cuz it's too expensive...how he can't keep his promises and admit that he's abit tired of my negativity......but he did say he still loves me and that at the end of the letter he asked if I still love him.

 

During the past few days I do the same as what you did, I was afraid to nag at him. I wrote him back but he seemed confuse and dunno what he wants to do because he doesn't want to move here becuz of career and stuff....and he said he maybe thinking of breakup (becuz he knows I dun wanna move there), he thinks he maybe wasting my time.

 

I called him later and said what if I move there, he didn't expect me to say that and said he need more time to think. Later last night, for some odd reason, his skype called me at 4:30am in the morning and when I woke up and missed his call, I call his cell back and he said he didn't call me.

I couldn't help but asked him if we could be like before again, I said I don't want to be like this anymore, he said we'll talk about it tonight. I asked him if he still wanna break up and he said no and i asked if we'll be ok, he said yes. But his attitude was still kindda cold. I guess he still need more time to think about what he wants to say. I really love him and I don't want to push him away.

 

But at the same time...I think I am gonna try to become more positive on my end...I decided to go out alittle more with people and not always stay home and wait for him, cuz that's driving me nuts. I'm alittle anxious about what he may say to me tonight though..

[Sweetie2007]

Thanks so much...I talked to him again, he wrote to me telling me everything he felt finally....about how he doesn't think he can move back here within two years, how he can't come back to visit in summer cuz it's too expensive...how he can't keep his promises and admit that he's abit tired of my negativity......but he did say he still loves me and that at the end of the letter he asked if I still love him.

 

During the past few days I do the same as what you did, I was afraid to nag at him. I wrote him back but he seemed confuse and dunno what he wants to do because he doesn't want to move here becuz of career and stuff....and he said he maybe thinking of breakup (becuz he knows I dun wanna move there), he thinks he maybe wasting my time.

 

I called him later and said what if I move there, he didn't expect me to say that and said he need more time to think. Later last night, for some odd reason, his skype called me at 4:30am in the morning and when I woke up and missed his call, I call his cell back and he said he didn't call me.

I couldn't help but asked him if we could be like before again, I said I don't want to be like this anymore, he said we'll talk about it tonight. I asked him if he still wanna break up and he said no and i asked if we'll be ok, he said yes. But his attitude was still kindda cold. I guess he still need more time to think about what he wants to say. I really love him and I don't want to push him away.

 

But at the same time...I think I am gonna try to become more positive on my end...I decided to go out alittle more with people and not always stay home and wait for him, cuz that's driving me nuts. I'm alittle anxious about what he may say to me tonight though..

 

I think that's a good idea, go out, have fun, be distracted, and just wait. It's not good for you to always just sit staring at the phone or computer, hoping he will call or come online. I did the same thing, until I realized that my life and (angry) friends weren't going to wait for him, so I went out.

 

If he seemed cold when you called him, it's probably because it was 4AM. I don't know what time it was where he is, but if it was late at night, then don't consider moods too much. I can never talk to my BF when he's super hungry or super tired, because he gets grouchy easy, and a lot of my friends BF's are the same way, so I guess it's a general guy thing....

 

It sounds to me like he wants to be with you, but the moving is getting in the way, so, it sounds like your in the same situation I am in. I'm in college now, just finished my Associates in a small community college (because it's all I could afford until I worked for a few years), so now I'm considering moving to my BF's country to get my Masters, that way we can see each other, and we'll have time to figure out who's moving where. He's finished his degree this spring, so he'll work, and hopefully we will be able to see each other more often. Is there any way that you and this guy could compromise, somehow? I don't know your situation, but maybe it could be possible...you both just have to be flexible, and accept that being together means compromise, on one side, or both...

 

good luck. If you ever want to chat about anything, I'd be willing to give you my email..just lemme know

[Guest]

I think that's a good idea, go out, have fun, be distracted, and just wait. It's not good for you to always just sit staring at the phone or computer, hoping he will call or come online. I did the same thing, until I realized that my life and (angry) friends weren't going to wait for him, so I went out.

 

If he seemed cold when you called him, it's probably because it was 4AM. I don't know what time it was where he is, but if it was late at night, then don't consider moods too much. I can never talk to my BF when he's super hungry or super tired, because he gets grouchy easy, and a lot of my friends BF's are the same way, so I guess it's a general guy thing....

 

It sounds to me like he wants to be with you, but the moving is getting in the way, so, it sounds like your in the same situation I am in. I'm in college now, just finished my Associates in a small community college (because it's all I could afford until I worked for a few years), so now I'm considering moving to my BF's country to get my Masters, that way we can see each other, and we'll have time to figure out who's moving where. He's finished his degree this spring, so he'll work, and hopefully we will be able to see each other more often. Is there any way that you and this guy could compromise, somehow? I don't know your situation, but maybe it could be possible...you both just have to be flexible, and accept that being together means compromise, on one side, or both...

 

good luck. If you ever want to chat about anything, I'd be willing to give you my email..just lemme know

 

I tried posting last time but didn't seem to go through...

Anyway, I do want to chat if you don't mind giving me your email.

Just an update...I did talk to him over the weekend, things got alittle better but when he started working, his attitude got cold again, maybe he's busy, but I wouldn't really know.

I haven't talk to him for two days now, and he never initiate a msg either.

I know I'm too needy....but I now feel more the fact that, how could he say he loved me so much and wanted to be with me forever and then just give up like this....he hasnt' break up w/ me yet but I feel that he's waiting for me to say it....I dunno..I love him so much but it's draining me...I do go out more now so that I don't think about it all the time...I work like a maniac people must think I'm workaholic...I'm doing everything I can now to get my mind off it but it's so difficult.

 

I guess I'm still shock at the fact that he could tell me how much he loved me and now he just give up......I don't know what to do anymore...I don't really wanna break up....it's so painful.