Kathleen2260 Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 So I believe that one person can not give you everything you need. A husband or wife should be able to meet most of your needs (and vice versa) but wont' be able to meet ALL of your needs ALL of the time. So you have to develop other ways to meet those needs (not cheating but having friends and hobbies to meet some of your needs you spouse can not fulfill. So based on those beliefs which do you think is better- to marry someone that is a hard worker, that you know would always be there for you in tough times, someone responsible that you don' t have to worry about them quitting a job or spending too much money and getting into debt. Someone who has a good future and is dependable but they don't really meet all of your emotional needs or social needs (they aren't around very much because they are such a hardworker). Or someone who is irresponsible, isn't a hard worker, doesn't mind letting their wife pick up all the financial slack while they "take time off to relax" from various jobs they always quit. Someone who doesn't have a place of their own and relies on others to provide food, shelter etc. Someoen who doesnt' mind spending money foolishly and really doesnt' appreciate what they do have. But this person is great at emotional support and is loving and good at communicating. This person is very good at meeting emotional and social needs but is lacking when it comes to responsibility and money and basically acts like a child at times. But both of these people have shown at one time that they CAN meet all the needs of their significant other (normally at the beginning of the relationship) but each is lazy in meeting particular needs. I'm asking because one of these guys I"ve described is my fiance and the other is my younger sister's fiance. I'm having 2nd thoughts about getting married because my fiance doens't have time for me. He works too much and I'm supposed to appreciate the fact that he's such a hard worker (which I do) but I feel neglected in our relationship. Everyone says I"m lucky because he is such a hard worker, does chores around the house including his own laundry, takes care of our vehicles. He seems to make time for things that are important to him but expects me to survive on a few hours a week. My sister's fiance is a great guy- everyone loves him. he is Mr. Personality. He is very good to her and sweet to her. He is there for her emotionally and he is constantly telling her how much he loves her. But she is always stressed out because SHE has to pay all their bills, he keeps quitting jobs without finding another first becuase he needs a break. They are so far in debt she doesn't know what to do. But she's never been with anyone as attentive as him so she thinks things will get better after they are married. So I guess my question is- since there is no perfect mate which is better- to marry someone who is irresponsible but very loving and sweet or someone who is very hard working and responsible but not very affectionate/attentive? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 marry neither of them. There are more fish in the sea. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 After reading your post, one thing came to my mind, and I hope this helps. Kathleen, there will ALWAYS, always, always be something that you don't like about your SO whether you are married or not. Your fiance' may be one way today, and be like your sister's fiance' another day. Could be months or years from now. My point is, when you do get married, you will both grow together and find that level plane in which you both can exist peacefully. It takes work, determination, and getting over disappointments. To answer your last question, you marry the person you're in love with. Not the person you're in lust with. Link to post Share on other sites
princesspeaches Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 I'm asking because one of these guys I"ve described is my fiance and the other is my younger sister's fiance. I'm having 2nd thoughts about getting married because my fiance doens't have time for me. He works too much and I'm supposed to appreciate the fact that he's such a hard worker (which I do) but I feel neglected in our relationship. Everyone says I"m lucky because he is such a hard worker, does chores around the house including his own laundry, takes care of our vehicles. He seems to make time for things that are important to him but expects me to survive on a few hours a week. I understand the need for attention, I really do. But thinking of leaving the man you love because you don't get enough of it is silly. There has been reasons that you stayed with him this long and agreed to marry him. My guess is he is trying to get a good career established. If you really feel neglected, talk to him about it. Tell him that you don't know that you are able to be number two to his job for the rest of your life. Sometimes they don't even realize what they are doing. And a few hours a week is better than nothing; in the past for me that has been enough. I guess I just assumed being in love meant accepting everything and anything even if I didn't like it and loving in spite of these things. So I guess my question is- since there is no perfect mate which is better- to marry someone who is irresponsible but very loving and sweet or someone who is very hard working and responsible but not very affectionate/attentive? Marry the man that you love, you have your whole lives to work together and figure out how to meet each others emotional needs. It's better to marry someone you love. I don't think its smart to marry someone based on what they can bring to the table in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Knowing what I do now, I wouldn't marry either of those two extremes. I need more of a middle balance in both departments. I need someone who works hard enough to provide basic needs and someone who has time and affection for me. There is certainly someone who can fill both bills if you are not too monetary in your views yet still recognize basic survival needs. Choosing the right partner is the hardest part of a successful marriage. Letting go of someone you love to find the right one is hard, too, but a better option. I married for love twice and had the enough affection/no financial balance the first time, and the financial balance/not enough affection the second time. Neither marriage lasted based on love without the right balance. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Love and fuzzy feelings don't put taters on the table. But who wants to sit down and eat those taters with a turd either......... Balance is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Love and fuzzy feelings don't put taters on the table. But who wants to sit down and eat those taters with a turd either......... Balance is needed. I like your ability to say things succinctly and with what I see as some humorous outlook, to boot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kathleen2260 Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 thanks for your views. I guess I am having 2nd thoughts about getting married because although I love my SO but I just feel neglected at times. He doesnt' have to work two jobs- I make more money than he does so we are doing well financially. We don't use our extra money to do anything special- he hates to take vacations because he likes working. So that is a good thing but at the same time its lonely. I just wondered which type of marriage had a better chance of lasting. Is it easier to "teach" someone responsibility or to fufill emotional needs. Or maybe I should say is it easier to be happy while not having your needs for safety and security (financial) met or not having your emotional needs met? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 don't marry this guy. he is not ready to work on a relationship with you. You can find a stable working guy that can help on the financial goals and fulfill your emotional needs as well. Of course you should at least sit this guy down and tell him that you are having doubts and why....... bluntly tell him. Don't settle...... or you will end up divorced, miserable, or cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloros Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I agree. In this case, you can have your cake and eat it too. Why settle for less? Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I agree with the others. You really can have both attributes. You are right that another can't fufill 100% of your needs, but what you are talking about is only fufilling 50% of your needs, and that is WAY to low. There is a better match elsewhere for both you and your sister. Link to post Share on other sites
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