I can't find the strength to walk away and leave him!

[LostSoul86]

Hello I am new! Where to start? About a year ago, I started talking to this guy who I met on Myspace and he is now currently my boyfriend. At the time that I met him, I was very depressed and lonely as I had no friends and just no one to relate to. Anyway we started to talk more and we got to know each other well. He is very charming and funny and I fell for him instantly. We really seemed to click and we met up alot too. Anyway we eventually hooked up as boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

After months passed I began to know his true side. He stopped being sweet and he would start being mean to me & he'd start to verbally abuse me with name calling. Saying things like I was ugly and I had put on weight.There were days when he'd turn back into his old sweet self and there were times where he'd just be plain mean for no reason.He says he gets very angry when he doesn't get sex & that he was tired of waiting on me and that he has needs. I told him when the timing is right, we would have sex. But that's a definite NO now because he seems like he has a problem.Lately he'll disappear alot and it would be hard for me to reach him. He hardly ever answers his phone anymore for me and he only talks to me when it's convenient for him.

 

I ask him where he had been & he told me honestly that he was with his friends being with escorts,street hookers at night.Then he also goes to clubs and have one night stands with complete strangers.He said he protects himself all of the time but I don't really care because I don't want him anymore like that. I was completely disgusted and hurt and he told me so blunt as if he didn't care.I started screaming at him and I told him how could he be so mean and cruel. He said that it was my fault for not having sex with him, if I would learn to be more intimate and loving,then he wouldn't have to get some elsewhere which is complete crap! He makes me feel like dirt he can just step all over.

 

I go through this cycle with him. I always walk away and I stop calling him, I always tell myself that I have to move on and that I can do better, but then he always calls and he starts being his sweet charming self again & he starts buying me things and telling me that he loves me! I fall for it and then after weeks pass, he started acting like a jacka** all over again!He has this high sex drive, it's like when we're always together now, he tries to have sex with me but I can't even look at him that way because of all of the people he's been with and that literally disgusts me. He tries to feel all up on me and touch me and I tell him to stop.

 

I don't think I care about him anymore but I feel like he's the only thing I've got. Before I met him I was depressed and lonely and I don't want to be like that again. When he's nice and charming, I feel loved and he'll call late at night and he'd make me laugh and feel special, that's the side of him I like. I like the attention, I like all of it even if it's fake! I know that sounds crazy and pathetic but I think I'm more obsessed with his NICE side. I want to believe he cares about me when knowing deep inside that he doesn't. If I leave him, It'll be back to nothing, no sweet charming man to call me and tell me how much he values me. No one to hang out with, nothing! That's why I feel like I can't have the strength to move on. I have a problem and I don't know how to get away without falling back into a depression. Granted, he doesn't make me feel any better. The days he don't answer his phone & call me, I start to get depressed. I'll call him numerous times throughout the day with loads of voicemails and text messages with no reply. It makes me feel bad because I know these are the days he's probably with some other female or a prostitute.

 

I just don't know what to do with myself???

[MoonGirl]

Hello I am new! Where to start? About a year ago, I started talking to this guy who I met on Myspace and he is now currently my boyfriend. At the time that I met him, I was very depressed and lonely as I had no friends and just no one to relate to. Anyway we started to talk more and we got to know each other well. He is very charming and funny and I fell for him instantly. We really seemed to click and we met up alot too. Anyway we eventually hooked up as boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

After months passed I began to know his true side. He stopped being sweet and he would start being mean to me & he'd start to verbally abuse me with name calling. Saying things like I was ugly and I had put on weight.There were days when he'd turn back into his old sweet self and there were times where he'd just be plain mean for no reason.He says he gets very angry when he doesn't get sex & that he was tired of waiting on me and that he has needs. I told him when the timing is right, we would have sex. But that's a definite NO now because he seems like he has a problem.Lately he'll disappear alot and it would be hard for me to reach him. He hardly ever answers his phone anymore for me and he only talks to me when it's convenient for him.

 

I ask him where he had been & he told me honestly that he was with his friends being with escorts,street hookers at night.Then he also goes to clubs and have one night stands with complete strangers.He said he protects himself all of the time but I don't really care because I don't want him anymore like that. I was completely disgusted and hurt and he told me so blunt as if he didn't care.I started screaming at him and I told him how could he be so mean and cruel. He said that it was my fault for not having sex with him, if I would learn to be more intimate and loving,then he wouldn't have to get some elsewhere which is complete crap! He makes me feel like dirt he can just step all over.

 

I go through this cycle with him. I always walk away and I stop calling him, I always tell myself that I have to move on and that I can do better, but then he always calls and he starts being his sweet charming self again & he starts buying me things and telling me that he loves me! I fall for it and then after weeks pass, he started acting like a jacka** all over again!He has this high sex drive, it's like when we're always together now, he tries to have sex with me but I can't even look at him that way because of all of the people he's been with and that literally disgusts me. He tries to feel all up on me and touch me and I tell him to stop.

 

I don't think I care about him anymore but I feel like he's the only thing I've got. Before I met him I was depressed and lonely and I don't want to be like that again. When he's nice and charming, I feel loved and he'll call late at night and he'd make me laugh and feel special, that's the side of him I like. I like the attention, I like all of it even if it's fake! I know that sounds crazy and pathetic but I think I'm more obsessed with his NICE side. I want to believe he cares about me when knowing deep inside that he doesn't. If I leave him, It'll be back to nothing, no sweet charming man to call me and tell me how much he values me. No one to hang out with, nothing! That's why I feel like I can't have the strength to move on. I have a problem and I don't know how to get away without falling back into a depression. Granted, he doesn't make me feel any better. The days he don't answer his phone & call me, I start to get depressed. I'll call him numerous times throughout the day with loads of voicemails and text messages with no reply. It makes me feel bad because I know these are the days he's probably with some other female or a prostitute.

 

I just don't know what to do with myself???

 

 

The CYCLE of abuse...sour and sweet, sour and sweet. Hon, this guy is BAD news and you will never ever be happy with him. I spent 6+ years with an abuser and it never gets any better. You can't change them, and the abuse only gets worse. MOST abusers have their loving, happy, nice, etc moments...that's why victims stick around for so long!

 

So, your main worry is feeling lonely and depressed? Well...there are solutions for those problems. Do you have any friends? Writing here on LS is a good start. Have you been to a therapist and a psychiatrist to be evaluated for depression? Depression should be treated.

 

You're acting needy and desperate and he's taking full advantage of that. Read "Why Men Love B*tches" and also a book or two by Patricia Evans about verbal abuse. I think the former will help a bit with your self-esteem and the others will help you recognize what abuse is (not that you don't already know, but it can help validate your feelings).

 

You don't deserve to be abused. Keep posting here and we'll be here for you.

[aisuangel]

After months passed I began to know his true side. He stopped being sweet and he would start being mean to me & he'd start to verbally abuse me with name calling. Saying things like I was ugly and I had put on weight.There were days when he'd turn back into his old sweet self and there were times where he'd just be plain mean for no reason.He says he gets very angry when he doesn't get sex & that he was tired of waiting on me and that he has needs. I told him when the timing is right, we would have sex. But that's a definite NO now because he seems like he has a problem.Lately he'll disappear alot and it would be hard for me to reach him. He hardly ever answers his phone anymore for me and he only talks to me when it's convenient for him.

 

As moongirl said, abuse NEVER gets better, it only gets worse, and worse. Sounds to me like he is trying to 'punish you'. By, 'punishing you' they in a way, give you the cold shoulder/ignore you/pull themselves away from you. They 'punish you', because they feel in their eyes that you did something wrong (even though you didn't), so they punish you.

 

Also sounds like he's busy elsewhere, if he seems to vanish a lot, and doesn't seem to pick up his phone when you call.

 

 

I ask him where he had been & he told me honestly that he was with his friends being with escorts,street hookers at night.Then he also goes to clubs and have one night stands with complete strangers.He said he protects himself all of the time but I don't really care because I don't want him anymore like that. I was completely disgusted and hurt and he told me so blunt as if he didn't care.I started screaming at him and I told him how could he be so mean and cruel. He said that it was my fault for not having sex with him, if I would learn to be more intimate and loving,then he wouldn't have to get some elsewhere which is complete crap! He makes me feel like dirt he can just step all over.

 

 

It was NEVER you fault. See, another thing with abuse, is they will AlWAYS

blame you for why they said those hurtful things to you, or why they did that to you. Abuse is always a choice..

He sounds like he absolutly no respect for women, and that he really doesn't give a crap about your feelings..

 

 

As I stated above, abuse is a choice, and it is NEVER your fault for it. He chooses to abuse, each and every time he does it. If he REALLY loved you, he wouldn't put you down, or make you feel like ****, nor would he cheat on you over and over again. If he truely loved you, he would value your feelings, and NOT hurt you..

 

I in some ways kind of know where you are coming from, and in some ways know how you feel, I'm going through some of the same things you are...

 

The only difference I think there is here, is that my relationship is a long distance one..

 

Some people say to me "It should be easier to leave then, because you two aren't living together"

 

Nobody truely knows, unless they've been through it themselves..

 

Lostsoul, I'll try to be here for you as much as I can, because like I said I'm going through some of the same stuff you are.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

It is better to be alone, than with someone who is destroying you. Abusers tend to hide their flaws the first few months (the honeymoon phase), and then the "real" them comes out. Of course he has a sweet side, if he didn't, you wouldn't have gotten involved. But now that you know how he really is, don't you think you deserve better? And by "better", I don't mean that you should rush out and find a new guy. "Better" can also mean being alone for awhile.

[luvtoto]

He said that it was my fault for not having sex with him, if I would learn to be more intimate and loving,then he wouldn't have to get some elsewhere which is complete crap! He makes me feel like dirt he can just step all over.

If you gave into him and had sex to keep him from getting upset with you, that would be rape.

 

Seek out a crisis center in your area. Call your local police department to get the number. You need support from other women in this situation.

 

Please leave this man. You have no future with him. He is toxic to your self-esteem and self-worth.

 

Do you really want to live this way? Picture your life without abuse in it. Don't you think you would be much happier?

 

Those were the same questions I asked myself ten years ago, when I left my abusive ex.

[MRose]

Get help from an abuse support group! There are many online that are good and local womens shelters have groups you can attend that are for women experiencing ANY type of abuse! And cut him OFF, use your support group to help you STAY away from him. It will never get better, only worse and if you don't take steps to help you deal with what you have been through he will wear you down to the point that you will feel you can never get away from him *you CAN* but, you might feel alot more that you can't...the longer you stay around him, talking to him, giving him anything of yourself, the harder this will be!

 

You have experienced the cycle of abuse, and believe me those times when he is "sweet" are an ACT and they will get fewer and further between until they are no longer there at ALL.

 

It sounds like you are already seeking support and that is a good thing you have done for yourself!! Keep seeking help. Take care of yourSELF first and let him go! No Contact! Have no contact with him at all any more. You are worth MORE than this and all your interactions with this abuser will diminish you further and further. He is NOT a friend, and he is NOT healthy at all for you to have any further contact with. Bless your heart hun, there IS help out there and I believe you will get away from him. Work on your own issues so that you never find yourself entangled with someone abusive again!