Feeling kind of hopeless

[Kt_Ducky]

Ok, here's my story..maybe some of you heartbroken rogues can help me too? I do warn you though, it's a bit long and maybe a bit boring...

 

He and I met about 15 months ago. It was like fate or something, from the minute we first started talking, there was an incredible spark between us and after hanging out a couple of times a week for a few weeks, he dropped me off home and like some romantic movie or something, we kissed in his car. He actually tells me now that when he drove off, he actually yelled out "YES!!!" and started waving at everyone he drove past haha. So the next day, he asks me round and we hang out, watch a few movies, have a drink etc and then we end up sleeping together. After this happened, I thought to myself- I have really intense feelings for this guy. So I asked him if he was thinking what I was thinking...he was. So he asked me to be his girlfriend etc etc. Anyway, everything was so perfect for so long. We saw each other 3 or 4 times a week for the first couple of weeks. But we realised we couldn't actually spend time apart from each other...we'd end up parking down some dark road in the middle of the woods and we'd sit and chat for hours and hours, we'd end up sleeping in the car, we just couldn't bare to be apart. We developed such a close bond. in his words, I was his friend, his family, his girlfriend, I was the only thing in the whole world he wanted. And he meant just as much, if not more to me.

 

So it went on like this for months. We were actually inseparable. Everyone loved us being together. We thought that maybe we were spending too much time together but whenever we mentioned it, it never happened, we'd just end up seeing each other the same amount that we always did. Eveything was so magical and romantic and we were so happy together. He said to me once "I can see us getting married in 5 years time or so"...people used to say to me- "when are you guys getting married then"..stuff like that.

 

Now, the only thing that we ever had a problem with was my paranoia. I am quite an insecure person, and having something that was my life- that was so precious to me used to scare me because I was so worried I'd lose him. I'd be worried he'd want to go off with another girl because I never thought I was good enough, that kind of pathetic stuff! (I've grown out of this now and I know that I was actually way too far out of his league!) This used to drive him mad and we'd argue, make up, etc etc...to me, the fights never really got to me because they made the relationship more exciting- can anyone relate to that? Although he thought I didn't trust him. And like I said, it drove him mad. But he let it slide because he loved me and wanted to "ignore it"...as he did.

 

Anyway, in December, on our 1 year anniversary, we moved in together. We rented a room in a lovely house, everything was perfect, we were both pretty happy. But I must admit, my paranoia was getting silly. He became quite close to a girl called Kate who I later found out he was turning to in times of crisis- when me and him were arguing about my paranoia. But it just made me more paranoid because I thought he had feelings for her. On the 5th of Jan, we had a fight. He'd been on the phone to her and when he got off I asked him who it was. He replied "it was Kate". I gave him my usual silent treatment and thought- I need to go for a cigarette outside so I can forget about it. When i came back up, he'd turned everything in the room off, including the lights, and was lying on the bed crying. He said he couldn't do this anymore, it was killing him, and he wanted to break up with me. I was so shocked because I had no problems with him, it was me who had the paranoia and i knew full well he would never cheat on me. So we sorted it out and he agreed that we wouldnt break up and he went all weird, suddenly wanted sex and wouldnt' stop saying "i love you" over and over again.

 

The next morning he got up to go to work. Only, for the first time in a year, he didn't say "I love you" when he left. I nearly threw up because I just knew that this was it. I felt so cold inside. I spoke to him on msn later that day and he went nuts at me, told me nothing was good enough anymore and he'd had enough. So I agreed because I didn't have it in me to beg anymore. i couldn't do anything to change his mind.

 

So then the next bit of bad luck came up- our landlord told us that some other guy wanted to rent the room, he needed it more than we did. So we had to move out. Stu had decided to go back to his parents, and I had no other choice but to stay with a mate.

 

The last month that we lived together was pretty difficult. It was clear that he had made his mind up but he couldn't let go. Every night when we went to sleep, he'd snuggle up to me, kiss me, tell me he loved me, his sex drive went up by about 500% (no exagerrations there!)..and the night we had to pack our things and leave was the hardest night of my life. Sleeping on my own in the dark without him to snuggle up to was like having my teeth ripped out. It hurt so much. I thought- this is it now, we've split up, we're not together anymore, we don't live together anymore. Everything changed. I saw him a couple of days later and it was so weird and uncomfortable between us. I hated it, i couldn't believe things were like this between us.

 

So a couple of days later, he came over. My mate told him that he wouldn't be able to stay the night because I was already there. So weirdly enough, he "fell asleep". We tried everything to wake him but he wasn't having any of it. I had a feeling he was fakin git, so he didnt have to go home and sleep on his own. He'd already told me how much difficulty he was having sleeping on his own and that all he did when he was alone was cry and cry. So when my mate left the room to go to bed, I tried waking him and he woke up straight away. He got into bed with me and put his arms round me and gave me a kiss on the head. It felt so damn good I actually cried cos I missed him hugging me to sleep so much.

 

So we've been not living together for a month now and we've been split up for 2 months. We've had so many talks about stuff but he's told me that he can't be with me and that if we are meant to be together, we will. It could be in a year, it could be in a million years. When I asked him if i should get over him and move on, he said "do whatever you feel is right." When I told him we couldn't be friends because it would hurt too much and we'd have to cut each other off completely, he completely lost it and punched the wall, cried his eyes out and tried to jump in front of the traffic! Since then, he has spent pretty much every day with me- he spends all his free time with me, and everytime we;re together all we do is sit and cuddle each other, play fight, mess around, hold hands, he plays with my hair etc, no kissing though. We slept together a week or so ago and it wasn't really mentioned and I didn't read anything by it.

 

So tonight is one of the few nights we're not spending together and he asked if I wanted to hang out tomoro night. I've decided to play a little game with him..so I told him i was meeting a friend and would be busy. So he seemed a bit off and asked if i was around at the weekend. I said I didn't know..and, this is the bit where I almost LAUGHED IN HIS FACE- he turns around and says "Oh well I won't have anything to do then :("...so i said "dont you have other friends to hang out with?" and he said "well...if i didnt hang out with you, id just be down the pub all weekend"...he has plenty of mates down the pub he could hang out with but instead, just like every other weekend since we've split, he wants to spend the whole weekend with me.

 

As you can probably tell, I'm frustrated, trapped, hurting, confused. I have asked him for a second chance quite a few times now, which I'm actually really embarrased about because BEGGING GETS YOU NO-WHERE. But he says no everytime. He says the paranoia hurt him so much and i may be able to forget it but he can't. He says he loves me but he fell out of love with me the morning when he got up to go to work and didn't say "i love you". to be honest, I don't believe him, I think he is still in love with me- the way he looks at me and cuddles me and stuff- I don't believe that if you truely love someone that you fall out of love with them.

He keeps saying how he's so confused and he just doesnt know how he feels and he doesnt think about things like this. he just ignores it and puts it to the back of his mind. I told him a couple of days ago that I was hurting and felt like all the nice memories I have and all the nice things he said to me were all fake and pointless and i told him my feelings have changed and have kind of been killed off and i didn't feel like i coud be close to him anymore. He said "Just give it time" and "it hurts to think you feel that way". Give what time?!!

 

It's clear that he's pretty depressed at the moment. But he's making no effort to get over me, we just seem to be getting closer! It's like..a different kind of closeness this time. I feel like he's starting to develop some kind of feelings again, but i could be imagining it, Im not getting my hopes up after the amount of times he's said he's not getting back with me. It's clear that he can't live without me and friends do not sit and hold each other for hours on end, sleep together etc etc.

 

I am so confused. I want to either move on and get over it, or love him the way i want to. It's so easy to love him! But I can't take the being in limbo much more...If I get over him, I have to not see him anymore but I physically can't. It would kill both of us. But i don't want to feel used or cheated, i don't want to get my hopes up and stuff...he's agreed we are soulmates and he can't see a future without him and breaking up with hi in my eyes was so pointless and unnecessary...this is actually hell. I can't kiss him or say "I love you" anymore and i want to so bad! I know that if we got together again, there would be no problems because I can see how much of an idiot i was being with the paranoia...yet he wont even give me that chance. in a way I feel so bitter and angry towards him- he gave up on me. yet he didn't because he's still aroundjust as much as he used to be. People keep saying- "you'll be back together in no time" but I just dont think we will be, from what he's said to me. But then i dont think even he knows what he wants.

 

From an outside point of view- what would you say he is feeling right now?

 

Thankyou for your help guys! BIG HUGS AND SNOGS! hehe x