Is my boyfriend using cocaine?

[Ladywithafan]

clearwater could've been me...the only difference is the time line...I think her relationship with this addict was about a year...I've been with mine for EIGHT....read that people who are in love with an addict....And as NEW DEVOTEE TO THE SCHOOL OF RUN, FAST & DON'T LOOK BACK CLUB

 

Mine has been inpatient since last Thursday. I have moved. He does not know where. He wants to switch programs, oh this one's no good, no therapy...ah...maybe "going fishing" might be something a normal individual does without going on a mission for crack first?!

 

HMMM...They just want my $175..it's all about the money...hmmmm...it's usually all about the money at midnight...in denominations of $20's...please, can't we go to the ATM, are you sure you don't have your card, why'd you cut up your credit card...please, it's only $40...now at 2 am...oh I could go on & on....but gee, lover, you were suppposed to pay me $175 a week...which lasted about 3 months from last June, when we moved....what a shame that someone's actually going to make you pay something and mean it...

 

wow...

 

Readers, it is a sick thing to be involved with an addict, they will DRAIN you.

[LoveLace]

Well I don't know if he was using right there in your place, but he had definitely been using. Coke users have a lot of runny-nose issues and blow their noses shortly after snorting in order to prevent drainage later. And it's common for their nose to bleed. What you found was definitely a product of him using.

[JulieL]

I hope you get out of this relationship FAST. I, too, was involved with an abusive alcholic/cocaine user. I never called the police on him until the very end, because I didn't want to get him in trouble, in spite of the fact he would throw things at me, once kicked in my back door etc. HERE is what can happen to you if you stay and it ain't pretty. YOU may decide to call the police when he is coming down off one of his highs and starts pushing you around, smashing up things in the house etc. No matter what happens, if you try to defend yourself, in spite of the fact he is pushing you, sitting on you, yanking your hair--whatever form it takes, and YOU push him off you and leave on tiny scratch or scrap on him--even if accidental--YOU can be arrested and likely will be if YOU have no visible marks on you. Forget the fact that HE has been or was at the time abusing the hell out of you. It WON'T matter to the cop. All that will matter is what the cop can readily see, regardless of the circumstances. Scarey thought. It damn well should scare you. And then when you get bonded out of jail it is your cocaine addicted boyfriend who is automatically granted a protection order against YOU until the case is heard. He can harrass you, intimidate you, show up at your place, just whatever the hell he wants and YOU can't do a damn thing about it. If you phone the cops again it is YOU who has violated the protection order in spite of the fact it is HE who is seeking contact. When my bf shoved the hell out of me and I tripped my nail caught his ear. The cops came, saw the damaged property, and heard me say he was pushing me around and I tripped blah blah----you think it mattered. NO WAY. My ass got hauled off to jail. You probably won't listen to me because I didn't listen to others. I thought love could change him. I never wanted to get HIM in trouble. Now I am the one facing domestic abuse charges. nd now I am the one scared to death he is gonna show up at my door late at night again (he's already done this several times), and that he might be drunk or high and the neighbors might phone the police if he creates a ruckus, and that I will get rearrested--all it takes is him saying I am harrassing him, in spite of the fact he is at my house. I never wanted to get a restraining order against him earlier, and now it is too late. GET ONE NOW if he gives you any trouble. Don't wait until some incident happens and you are forced to phone the cops. It is a judgement call on the cops part as to who the perpetrator or instigator of the violence was, and if you addict is even remotely a smooth talker, it won't necessarily be HIM that goes to jail. I just hate to see you end up in the same situation as me, which is my own fault due to allowing myself to be treated like **** and NOT putting my own welfare above his. You can't cure him, and his erratic behavior will become too much for you to handle and will put you in some serious danger. Sorry for the tirade, but please please PLEASE think about what I said.

[Cincykid]

I knew my wife a week before I knew I wanted to marry her,I did Marry her two months later while serving in the military and home on leave and met her in my own state,the 12th of july my wife and I will be married 22 years,about the last eight have been me addicted to opiates my story is here,I am now tryen to detox from the horrible drug methadone,my wife has never turned her back on me but I have never lied about this problem,we have fought it together and we will walk out winners together,I know this because thats all I will accept now,we've been through hell now were getten ready to check out the otherside,it dont matter who or how long youve known someone if they are your soulmate you know.......................................................Respectfully,Cincykid:bunny:

[Cincykid]

But in reguards too this guy,Im sorry maybe this wasnt meant to be,he has no prioritys and he has been draggen you down,he needs to get clean and stay clean before he will ever be able to love himself let alone anyone else,I feel sorry for him in a way because ive kinda been there done that but noone can tell you that, you have to tell yourself and take action,be defiant,be mean,alone in your bedroom of course,but do anything it takes not too use...but youve already found.....LOve dont conquer all......

Cincykid,

[Juliejo]

Walk dont' run to the nearest Alanon meeting. You will find out why you are addicted to this man who is addicted to drugs. He is using drugs and when people are using drugs that is what they are doing, if he isnt using he is thinking about it and when and how he will use the next time. Cocaine is extremely expensive. If he was in recovery for 18 months then he knows the score.

Walk dont' run if you do not want your life to be turned inside out. you cannot help this man but you can destroy yourself trying.

you need to find out why you are attracted to this kind of person in the first place. He is obviously violent and he isnt even married to you yet.

Good Luck

[love necessity]

That's the hard part is him walking out of my life even though I told him today that I will support him and not abandon him but only if he comes clean.

 

After reading this, I must say, that you seem codependent. I think for the sake of your life, you're the one who needs to go get some help, and let him take care of himself. You need to let go of this man who is bringing you down. He's an adult, and I'm sure he knows what he needs to do. Thing is, he's not ready to quit. He'd rather keep on using cocaine, then stay with you. You clearly proved that. I think your living your life trying to change him, but what your failing to see is that you're the one who needs the help. You're the one who needs to get out of this unhealthy relationship. Your not putting yourself first. Him verbally abusing you is making you worse, because sooner or later, your going to start believing what he says, when all along, he was the one with the problem. You should seriously seek Codependent meetings, they could help you.

 

He has probably been using all along, but hide it from you. If this is true, which it seems, then I must say that the man you know, may not be the man you think you know. If he has been high during the whole relationship, you don't truly love this man for who he is, because who he is off drugs is not who he is while he's on them. Get away...Or, it'll be too late.

 

You won't change him...Sorry to say that, but you won't

 

 

This situation is like squeezing blood out of a turnip...YOU JUST CAN'T!!!

 

My mother was a gambling addict. When money was tight, she'd go into a rage. I came from an abusive home, I know. I lived with an addict for a long time.

 

Addicts put up a denial walls. After so long, it's literally impossible to get through them. To this day, she still thinks it's everyone else's fault, yet she's the one that hurt everyone around her. Addicts are no fun to be around.

 

It's hard to live with them, and it's even harder to let them go.

[michelle2482]

Hi, sorry if I'm interupting an ongoing conversation or anything, but this seems to be the most recent discussion about cocaine that I could find and I really need to find out some things. My boyfriend has used cocaine occasionally (or so he says) since we've been going out (6 years). He knows I HATE it and have absolutely no time for it and it always ends in us having a major fight. I have a feeling he's been doing it again recently...maybe a couple times within this past month. The first time I really suspected it was when we went camping a few weeks ago. He and my friend's boyfriend kept going to the car together while the rest of us stayed by the campfire. The last time they went there, they turned the car lights off and started talking in lower voices. It seemed really strange and secretive and my friend and I wondered what they were up to. Both guys stayed up until 6:00 in the morning chatting away to each other and drinking. I also overheard a conversation they were having while they thought the rest of us were asleep in our tents. They were talking about past experiences with cocaine (nosebleeds, how they snort it, etc. which I thought was really weird). Anyways, being the suspicious person I've been lately, I went to the car and noticed white powdery stuff on the dash. It was just a few pieces here and there. Some was very powdery and it smudged when I touched it and some was harder, or grainier. It all seems pretty obvious I guess, but when I confronted my boyfriend about it, he made me feel so crazy and guilty for even suggesting it.

 

The other time I suspected it was just a couple nights ago. He usually goes out with his guy friends on friday nights because I work. These guy friends do drugs quite often. Anyways, he didn't come home until 6:00 the next morning. We had a softball tournament that morning, so I picked him up around 11:00. He still seemed pretty wired, but I just assumed he was still drunk. He continued to drink all day long with the rest of the softball players, but he seemed strange...more crazy than he usually is when he's drunk. I really don't have much of a clue about drugs except for the few things I've heard from friends or read about. How long do the effects of cocaine last? And I'm really not crazy for assuming he did cocaine these couple times am I? I know in my gut what's happening, but when I confront him about it, I always end up feeling silly or like I'm the guilty one for not trusting him. He denies, denies, denies and then I just feel dumb.

 

Sorry this was so long, but I had to vent!

[trublu70]

I don't know I'm codependent on him. I guess I want to rescue him and show him that if I love him enough he doesn't need to do any drugs. That might be naive and stupid I know.

 

This is co-dependancy. I know because I have lived through this only after years and years I finally decided if I can't beat him I will join him...My life turned into a living hell. I lost almost everything that mattered to me. I had to start all over from the very bottom and was lucky to have a supportive family . Please go to a support group like al-anon. You have the capacity to learn so much before you endanger yourself any further with the poisen that is your relationship with this man.

[me123]

I am very sorry for what you are going through because it sounds so hard...BUT...I use cocaine, and may be addicted and I can relate to the behaviours you are mentioning. My boyfriend that I am with got me back into it and now he is threatening to break up with me over it...I have behaved in the same ways you describe just to hide it. Now, I am not condoning his behaviour or saying thats its ok...it definitely is not...but from the other threads telling you to break loose from him or whatever....I dont think that is the right way to go about it. I think if you tell him in a non-attacking way that you know he's back into it and that you're not stupid, but willing to support him...that is the best way to go about it.

From personal experience, when my guy gives me **** or breaks up with me it throws me into a binge...not his fault, all my own...but, if you can you should just support him. If he slips and does it, dont freak out or break up with him because it will only make it worse. I know it may be hard, and i may be biased...but unless you cant handle it emotionally or its screwing you up personally....he needs you, whether he falls off the wagon or not. You cannot beat an addiction with the snap of a finger, and if those you love cut you off...from experience, you think whats the point in stopping. You may not take my words to heart since i am also a user, but from experience...my bf and loved ones are all I have, and its them and the **** i'm putting them through that makes me want to get off drugs all together...if they cut me off and dont care, why stop?

I just think that if you two love eachother...and i acknowledge the pain you go through watching...if he's serious about getting off of drugs, he may slip up a time or two and you cant just leave....if my bf left me I'd get worse...sorry for the rambling, but addiction is hard and it usually takes a few slip ups before you finally do it for good.

[weffer25]

Ok first of all I want to tell you that I really feel for you in this situation. Im not going to give you too much of my background cause it will take to long but I want you to understand that Ive been where both of you have been so this is coming from experiance. I am a recoverying addict I have been clean for a many years now ( I used cocaine and crystal meth) I also have been the codependant girlfriend. I got clean and my recently ex boyfriend did not, we started using heavily together I got better and he stayed in active addiction. Iam also now a drug councellor. Anyway if you want to know my story I will post it another time but I need to give you my opinion on this cause maybe it will save your life financially, emotionally or heck even literally.

 

Its important that you understand that this has NOTHING to do with you. Its all him and because its all him only he can change it. He has a disease that is progressive and incurable but it can be managed!! Addiction is a scary thing and your only seeing the tip of the iceburg right now. Staying in this relationship is unhealthy for both of you!! Yes what you are doing right now could jeopardise this mans recovery and his lifeI know you love him and that is why you should be very careful about the steps you take right now. You must not enable him to live this way, I know its hard trust me I know but you have to let him go. Maybe not forever but for now. If he is using again the last thing he needs is a relationship, and his meetings will tell him this. He doesnt have the energy to spare on ANYTHING but recovery right now. Im not with him I cant say he is 100% using but I can say that all signs seem to point to that, so in saying that he needs to go to a meeting every chance he gets right now. He will not listen to you tell him, this is what he needs to figure it out for himself and he knows thats what he needs to do to stop because he has stopped before. Addicts have a very different thought pattern while using and even when not and it takes alot of work to recover and especially in the begining stages he needs to focus only on recovery, thats means not worrying about you, your relationship, work or anything but not using and in turn staying alive.

 

A little off topic but before I forget I wanted to reassure you that if he has used coke in your home it is no longer there, so no need for the dogs. $100 will get you enough coke to stay high for (depending on the addict and how into it they are) 45mins to a couple hours at most, someone deep into addiction could go thru that amount of drugs in 20mins. Depending on how he is using it determines how long it would last him too, snorting it would last a little longer but I assure you once again that and active addict will never leave their drugs behind!! So if nothing else that is something you do not have to have concern for.

 

If you continue in this relationship before he stops denying and gets help here are a few things to look forward to (and I am not overexagerating at all, you will watch these things nfold before your eyes if he doesnt get help and you allow him back in)

 

-Not only will he start asking you for money but he will start taking it from you without your knowledge either right from your account, stealing valuables from your home or both

-The violence will continue when he feels cornered and it may even get worse

-He will continue to disappear for nights or even days until he has run out of cash or drugs and needs a safe place to crash (come down)

-Depression omg this will get bad and come out in a number of ways either extremley sad or angry and even sometimes extreme happiness that does not last (which in turn hurts you cause you think things are going great)

 

Often and addict will relapse when they are feeling very safe and content like in a great relationship, the thing about this disease is that it tricks you into to thinking you dont have a problem, an example would be "I havent used in 18months Ive got this great girl who loves me so why cant I use just once to celebrate, I can handle it now!!" then the downward spiral of drugs happens all over again!! Please dont let yourself get caught in this spiral. Very often the codependant partner becomes sicker than the addict and you should remember this. I have dealt with so many partners of an addict that end up depressed with so many stress related illnesses, they simply dont have the release the addict gets from using and they try so hard to save someone which can never be saved unless they themself decide to change. Your treading in very dangerous waters and Im very concerned for your health because Im sure you know emotional illness can and does lead to physical illness.

 

I also wanted to let you know that if it seems like he doesnt care and it may seem that way this is not the case. Drugs take that sweet kind man right out of him. He will not believe you if you say something like this to him because he will have the illusion he is acting normal even though you know differently. dont get down on yourself if you stand your ground and he walks out its only because he is not yet ready to accept the damage he has done to you or himself and that will come in time if he works on it. I guess to sum this all up (and I apologise its so long) I would suggest that you distance yourself, refuse to be his safe place to stay, you could maybe even say something like " Iam here to support you if you need to talk call but I cannot allow you back into my home until you have gotten some help" and I must stress to only tell him you will be there for him if he needs to talk if you can really be there as a sounding board and not trying to get the relationship back, if its supposed to happen it will when he is better. Otherwise if you feel you cant just be there for support go No Contact until he can prove hes doing something about his problem...dont let him fool you that your the only one who cares about him in his life and the only one who can help him...thats what NA is for..and it works!!

 

Im sounding preachy and I hate that so Im going to wind this up and if you wish to hear more from me just ask and we can talk more otherwise I must leave you with this... What you have witnessed now is only the begining so please be careful, you have everything to lose!!