Pulling Her Weight

[Guest]

I am a husband and a father of 2 (girl-2yrs, boy-5months). My wife and I have been having some trouble since just before she got pregnant with our second child. Most of our problems just stem for each of us not wanting the other to tell them what to do. We are a single income family so money can be tight.

 

We did some free concilling for about 8 months which seamed to help some. Our counselor moved and we have been out of counseling for 3-4 months. Our biggest source of fighting is house work. My wife stays at home. I work in a fairly demanding industry which requires me to work some evening at home a weekends to get the projects completed. I am an hourly employee so I get paid time and a half for OT.

 

Ok, I think that is enough of the back ground info. Here are my complaints. My wife can't find time in between here social schedule to get a suitable amount of house work done. I will admit that before our counseling I did not do much in the way of house work.

 

My duties were limited to cooking dinner every night and taking out the trash, yard work and the usual guy stuff. Since we ended our counseling I decided to step up my duties. Ok, more back ground on our house. Our house is not so much dirty, my wife vacuums everyday, but it is cluttered. There is usually a stack of papers that cover the table and the counter, the laundry is always pilled up and there is always a stack of dishes and toys everywhere.

 

When I say social schedual of my wife, I don't mean the bars, she is involed with a play group for my 2 year old, and breast feeding support group for my son. Not to mention that she spends, I would say 1-2 hours a day on the phone or internet or both. I am glad that my kids are being socialized, but sometimes I think too much.

 

My first thoughts were that she was overwhelmed, but I soon figured out that she lacks motivation or just does not care. So I decided to help out more because I need to, but also to help motivate her to get a little done everyday. My first goal was to just keep the kitchen in tip top shape, so after every meal, which I cook, I would clean the kitchen and all of the dishes. Then I expanded to trying to keep the living room picked up and to put the toys way every night.

 

Then I cleaned our bed room. I am ashamed to say how much dust is in that room but it makes me sick to think that our son sleeps in the cradle next to us every night. So, I dusted, washed the sheets, dusted the room, washed the windows, vacuumed the floor and made the bed while she was out on Saturday AND I HAD THE KIDS. We both agreed that the room looks 200 times better with the bed made (which never got done before or since). Last Saturday I hand washed the Kitchen and dinning room floor and picked up the down stairs. We had guests on Sunday for breakfast and dinner, both meals I cooked.

 

I have just got off a 110 hour 2 weeks at work and worked right through the weekend before, so I was tried. So the dishes a kitchen was not perfect but I figured that my wife would pick up the slack. I told here that my work week would be a little hectic and that I would need to stay at work or bring work home. So guess what, I get a call at work wanting to know when I will be home (which happens all of the time), I tell her I can come home now but I will be bringing work home.

 

So I get home and step over the huge amounts of laundry that have been there for weeks, and notice that nothing had been done that day. My wife had a social play event, and met me for lunch after. She left me at 1:30 and took the kids home for a nap. I found her in her usual spot in front of the computer on the net. We had leftover for dinner and after pulling some addresses together for a baby shower my wife is planning for my sister, bathing and trying to put my daughter to sleep, I got no work done last night.

 

SO same old same old, I get a call about when would I be home, because she was going shopping with her friend and then to the store to pick up a few items at the grocery store. So, I asked why she couldn’t get the stuff at the store while I was at work. Every time we need anything from the store it is an evening event or I stay home with the kids. I can understand for full shopping but she needs milk and orange juice.

 

Well as always it turns into a huge fight, where I am always the ass hole. Oh did I mention today was the breast feeding group. All that I ask is that she gets some of her house hold duties done before she goes on an outing. I should not have to leave work early for her to get any thing done. I never have clean cloths, I am constantly doing dishes, and putting our paper work away while it seams that she does nothing or very little.

 

What do I do???? Oh did I mention that we only have sex about once every 3 weeks when I get frustrated and shame her into it. I don't know what to do, every time I mention anything it turns into a big fight. Am I asking too much? Any advice would be great, Thanks!!!

[fluffy0]

The main problem here seems to be not just fighting over chores, but a lack of a meaningful connection between you too.

 

Being a SAHM can get pretty lonely. Especially if your wife had a full time job before choosing to stay at home she may be feeling like she can't budget her day well. Without timecards and deadlines some people just get all disorganized and start to procrastinate. Also, realize that she is at someone's beck and call all day long. Going out grocery shopping is probably the only way she can spend time with adults only and keep herself from going insane.

 

I am definately not excusing her actions, and I think if you don't have time for browsing the internet, she shouldn't either. but just realize that never being able to get away from the kids can make people become very stressed and depressed and want to rebel against their roles.

 

My suggestion is that if you want more sex and want to stop fighting about this, try to devote some time exclusively to her. See if a friend can watch the kids and go out together to do something special. Or at least try to spend time together doing the things you guys did before you had kids. If my partner was constantly either nagging me or fighting I wouldn't want to have sex with the either because I would see them as a source of nothing but stress and resentment. It seems that in your case your wife and you have become nothing but business partners whose lives revolve around negotiating deals with each other, you've got to change that

 

I think you will find that once you make the effort to be "lovey-dovey" to your wife again the sex thing will improve because she won't see it as just another chore she has to do to get you off her back, but as something she does because she loves you.

 

I know this sounds kind of bad, but humans are animals, and you have to reward them for good behavior to condition them to do what you like. So next time your wife does do something right try to reward it and she just might catch on. It might take a while though, so just don't give up to easily and keep trying to be nice and romantic too her. It's alot easier to justify pissing off a bitter person than one who is constantly loving, so she just might start pulling her weight if you show her how worth it is.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible she has post pardom depression? Something to look into... Maybe she needs to see her doctor.

 

I think maybe she's overwhelmed with the mess and can't stay on top of it.

 

Does she have a bestfriend, a sister or her mom closeby? Maybe they can come help her organize the house, and together you two can buy some bins for storage for all the toys.

 

You work hard, you do alot around the house, cook, cleanup etc, and I can understand your frustrations.

 

Is it possible to get a cleaning lady to come in once every 2 weeks or so? Maybe just until the house gets better organized.

 

And, you two need night out alone together! Atleast afew hours for a nice dinner. Reconnect and get intimate, atleast emotionally.

[Guest]

#1. Hire a maid. the $60-$100 bucks for a maid to come in 2-3 times a week will take a HUGE LOAD OFF the both you and your wife and will be well worth the small amount of money it costs. Never fight about chores. If its obvious that she's overwhelmed, get her some help. And although you're willing to help, you're a little annoyed for not obtaining a simple "thank you" or acknowledgement of your hard work, and that just leads to more fights.

 

Please remember, taking care of one child and a house is in itself a fulltime job with overtime.. and unlike your job, you're wife's job is always staring at her 24/7. Its exhausting.

 

#2. Date Night. Higher a sitter.. or call the mother-in-law. It's difficult to deal with a none sexually responsive at home mother. Try turning her into your girlfirned instead. (pretend like you're dating.. take her out on a date) She may be a bit more responsive to that. But this again, and I know this from personal experience... Unlike men, when women are EXHAUSTED, sex is not exactly first on the list of To-do's. Once again, this goes back to, get her some help in the house.

 

#3 Although I'm a person with a very liberal mentality, I honestly believe that Dr. Laura book "Proper care and feeding of Marriage" and "The proper care and feeding of a husband" along with her daily advise on her radio broadcast have brillant ideas of how to deal with the exact issues you're dealing with.

 

Although I had difficulty accepting her advice and ideas at first,(because i'm so beyond liberal), Her advice has truely changed how I treated my boyfriend and now husband. Everything from greeting him when he comes home to understanding that although I don't NEED sex, and it isn't that important to me, HE DOES NEED IT.. and he may not feel loved anymore if i were to deny it to him on any consistant basis.

 

I GOT TO TELL YOU, I never ever understood this,I use to be really annoyed and felt at times "used" when He wanted sex and I didn't....

Now i see it as a gester of love. A simple gift I can give my husband to allow him to know I love him. I'm still very liberal, but DUE TO Dr. Laura , I've changed my attitude about such simple things in regards to my husband and I've got to tell you.

IM MUCH HAPPIER WIFE.

[reddog63]

This is the way it is alot nowadays. In the past, if the woman stayed home, it was expected that she would do the housework and have dinner ready. Then you top it off with hardly any sex.

 

As I see it, there is less and less reason to ever get married. Go to nomarriage.com. Lets see, you put in 110 hours in two weeks.........geezzz.......you would think you would be appreaciated for such hard work supporting the family.........nope.........wife is blind to that. Ohh, yea, and pay someone to do the housework...........yup, thats the answer.

 

Just don't suffer to long........get out when you can........

 

Yes, I am being harsh today...........but I have seen enough of these posts to wonder why men still get married nowadays.........

[polywog]

Ask your wife to look at this website: http://www.flylady.net

 

And check it out yourself to see if it's something she might respond to. It's a great site and I use it myself to get organized and to declutter. It might inspire her.

[Very_Confused]

This is the way it is alot nowadays. In the past, if the woman stayed home, it was expected that she would do the housework and have dinner ready. Then you top it off with hardly any sex.

 

As I see it, there is less and less reason to ever get married. Go to nomarriage.com. Lets see, you put in 110 hours in two weeks.........geezzz.......you would think you would be appreaciated for such hard work supporting the family.........nope.........wife is blind to that. Ohh, yea, and pay someone to do the housework...........yup, thats the answer.

 

Just don't suffer to long........get out when you can........

 

Yes, I am being harsh today...........but I have seen enough of these posts to wonder why men still get married nowadays.........

 

Unfortunately, that can go both ways reddog. My husband works 9-5 Mon-Thurs and either 9-12:30 or 4:00 on Friday. He gets up in the morning with just enough time to get himself ready to go out the door. He only takes the trash out if it is almost overflowing and I haven't already done it. He doesn't do yardwork or handyman stuff, he'd rather pay someone to do it. He does help our son with his homework sometimes and bathes him several nights a week. Outside of that he spends the rest of his time either sleeping or shut up in the office on his computer. He gets angry if I ask him to do anything. Says he doesn't want to work at home after working all day. On the weekends he doesn't want to work at home after working all week. ??duh?? When does it ever get done then? The answer is, it doesn't unless we fight about it first.

 

I, on the other hand, am expected to work 48 hours a week, every week. Whether it is over a period of 5 longer days or 7 shorter days, it doesn't matter to him as long as I work it. On top of that I get the kids ready, take them to school and then pick them up every day, make sure they do their homework and take them to the doctor when they are sick. I do all of the cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping and anything else that comes up in everyday life.

 

And HE is the one who never wants to be intimate (it's been 6 months now). He is the one who expects to be praised when he throws a load of towels in to wash or takes out the trash or stops at the store for milk and bread on his way home. And he wants to know why, after working and everything else until 9-10pm, I am not in the mood to sit around and play a video game with him until the wee hours of the morning. Totally boggles my mind sometimes.

[DreOh6]

Your first mistake was in allowing your wife to be a stay at home mother. That stuff went out with the fifties. Do you know what kind of alimony she can get just because she stays at home? And if she's staying at home why isn't the house clean?

 

All that said, they still make pork and beans the same way. Tell your wife she needs to start pulling her weight or you're gone. Just because she had a child doesn't make her immune to doing her work. Sounds like she suckered you into going to work all day, making money, and then doing housework too.

What are YOU getting out of this deal?

[Storyrider]

It sounds like your wife is depressed. Please don't ask her to cut down on the playgroup and breast feeding support as that will make it worse. She absolutely needs to have adult contact.

 

I'm sure that is why she is spending too much time on the computer as well.

 

I agree that it is unacceptable for her to neglect the housework, but I can completely understand it. Housework is boring and monotonous, and the kids mess things up again faster than she can clean them, I'm sure.

 

Plus, she probably hoards every moment to herself that she can get.

 

If she is depressed, she won't be able to deal with setbacks and frustration as easily, which is probably why she avoids taking the two kids to the store.

 

Even to pick up a couple of things it can be very frustrating to unbuckle their car seats, haul them out of the car, bundle them up in coats if cold, get them into a grocery cart, buy the groceries all the while dealing with their needs without letting herself forget an item or accidentally buy the wrong thing. Maybe the baby wants to nurse (which will make her breasts start leaking in public. Awful!) or dirties his diaper (which means a trip to the bathroom abandoning the grocery cart and dragging the two-year old with her) or the two year old starts begging for some item she wants and throws a tantrum. Then when she finally gets back into the car the two year old wants to crawl around and play instead of getting into her seat, meanwhile the baby is screaming, while your wife stands in the cold, finally losing her temper, yelling, and physically forcing the two year old into the seat which makes her feel terrible afterward. Phew!

 

OK, this is a worse-case scenario, but you can see how if she's driving by the store and contemplating stopping, she would choose not to. It takes an emotional toll, and maybe she feels she isn't up to it.

 

Obviously, these are daily grind things that should be handled easily by an emotionally healthy person who feels supported and happy. But if she doesn't, it is hard.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree that she needs her time away and could possibly be suffering a mild case of post partum but, she does need to start pulling her weight.

 

Why not do a trade? She can have all of Saturday off, coming back only to breast feed and then leaving again, or storing a certain amount of breast milk for usage. For the balance of the week, she has to keep things in reasonable shape. Try not to sweat the small stuff though. A little bit of mess isn't going to kill anyone and if you sweat it, might kill your marriage.

 

Sunday will be your day.

 

Btw, you sound like an awesome father. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it.