Boyfriend keeps bring up my past & won't let it go!

[znikie]

Hey all, Where do I begin? First of all, thank you in advance for your time. This is a long one.

 

I had been broken up and year with my last boyfriend (who is a good friend of mine now) of 5 years when I met this new guy last April. I"m 35 and new guy is 24. We hit it off for the first month and after that I decided that Id like to be commited and he told me he wasnt ready due to the fact he just got out of a 2 year relationship (which was disfunctional and she is still trying to sabatoge our relationship). Anyway, I respected that and started to go out with my friends. He didnt like that and wanted me all to himself but by that time he had pushed me so far away that I didnt want him and realized I was having fun with my friends.

 

He started to get really jealous. He told me that he loved me. I couldn't believe that he felt that way about me after such a short time and called it quits completely. 4 months went by and he contacted me (finding out later that he only called to brag about a job that he got). Anyway, We started to talk and eventually started to hang out. He was dating other people but so was I and we were fine with that but after hanging out and seeing changes he had made we decided to give it a go once again but this time in a committed relationship.

 

We have been together for 5 months. Heres that bad part. I'm a flirt and he knew that upon meeting me the first time. I went after him... However, I made the mistake of spilling out to much information about my past and chose to not answer certain questions about my past when he asked. He calls it lying to his face I call it Its my past and has nothing to do with our relationship right now.

 

I almost died in a drunk driving accident and was raped in 10th grade I didnt tell anyone for 2 years... and there is one of 2 ways you can go. Seek help and turn to god or not tell anyone, use drugs, have a death wish, and be permiscuous... Lets just say I didnt tell anyone... I do have a past.. and like I said before Im a flirt and very comfortable in my own skin. I like to have fun. I do and did not ever sleep around but had some pictures that he found of me having fun. PLEASE NOTE: it was not me having sex but pictures of me having fun. semi nude. but he misconstrued it to be slutty. Hes so flippity floppity. One minute he is loving and sweet and the next he will find some reason to bring up a part of my past and start a fight. He just keeps poking and poking.

 

So here I am writing for advice. I really thought that I could be in love with him but he is exhausting all of my energy with bringing up my past.

 

I decided before getting into this relationship that I was going to do some self improvements and get some help finally after all these years but thats not good enough for him. To prove to him that I have changed I made a pact with him to go out with me and my friends until he can learn to trust me. I also allowed him to have my email password which turned out to be disasterous since he got to my emails before I could erase any and he found emails that I had saved from years ago that were lets just say... very flirty.

 

He has asked me to get rid of pretty much everything from my past including phone numbers of guy friends and emails. I got rid of what I thought was everything and he went through my house and found a phone number of a guy that he asked me to get rid of and a cd of photos from when I when I went to cabo. The photos where from an underwater camera and consist of me my guy friend and girl friend skinny dipping no sex or fondeling were involved... I thought that I got rid of all of it. It was stupid to have in the first place. Anyway, he found it while snooping around.

 

God as Im writing this Im realizing how absurd this is. He needs to let it go. Right now he is taking some time to think if he wants to be and i quote a "slut" I know he just said that because he is upset at what he has seen and read. What do you think? Should I move on?

[loggrad98]

You are in your mid-30's and he is in his early 20's. I think he is not mature enough to handle this relationship. It sounds like you are ready for a more committed relationship and he does not really know what that means. Committed does not mean controlled, and by forcing you to get rid of so much of your life he is trying to control you. This shows he is insecure, if not in himself, then in this relationship and that does not bode well for your future together.

 

That said, retroactive jealousy is a very real thing and can be very hard to deal with. It can take a tremendous amount of effort and selflessness (as it is selfish in and of itself) and often requires counseling. The fact that you are not committed in this relationship makes me think your best course of action is to sit down with him, let him know you would like to pursue a relationship, but tell him you DO have a past that you are ENTITLED to have and if he cannot deal with it then you both need to move on.

 

I have some personal experience with this kind of thing. It IS possible to have a successful relationship without knowing EVERYTHING about the other person's past, but when that cat is out of the bag it can be hard for some people to deal with. You have to decide if you can live suppresing your past or not. It is not likely he will get a handle on it and be able to "just let it go" without some outside help. You may have to push and prod for him to get that help. If this is not something you feel your want in your life, then maybe you need to move on.

 

I can tell you that retroactive jealousy can be overcome and you can still have a wonderful relationship, but it will take work and patience and may still not pay off in the end.

 

Tough call. I wish you luck.