(x)OW, just curious, do you have....

[cbl]

do you have commitment issues? the reason why i am asking is because i think i do. i always suspect that i have this issue but don't know if i am in denial. i was so close to getting married twice, and declined an engagement proposal once; the longest period that i had been working with a company is 3.5 years (and held 3 different positions in three different departments; both moving vertically and horizontally); i need to get rid of a laptop every 18 months; i had moved between different continents four times in my life; i did bought my first place about 8 years ago (and still have it) and that's probably the only thing that i own for the longest time.

 

it sounds like i like the thrill and excitement for new things and new people; less concerned with commitment issues. but, let me try to give one more example, when it comes to relationship, i always think i can't deal with the fact that i need to tell my husband about the pair of expensive stiletto that i've just bought at noon when i was out for lunch because i look so good in them with my trousers - and because of this i can't put in as much money as i always do into our kids' college funds. and being with MM gives me so much freedom and personal space. i am financially independent in either case; but at least i don't have to deal with the argument wrt joint fund, and housework to share. and, i don't exactly know when i'll fall out of love with this person....

 

don't know.

 

if you have commitment issue, do you think it's only when you are romantically involved? if yes, does it happen before you get involved with your MM or after?

 

what if your commitment issue, apply to everything in your life? and you see it happen at your relationship level as well? as i suspected in my case.....

 

i also think it's safe to say for those OW who were lied to by their MM about their marital status in the beginning have less of commitment issues.

[movinon05]

I used to think I had commitment issues because I thought I'd never love anyone the way I loved exMM, but I've come to learn differently.

 

Since I've been dating again, I've had no less than 4 men that I've dated falling in love with me and wanting to marry me from the getgo. While it was quite flattering, it was completely unrealistic. Moreso, because I believe I learned from the A what I do want and what I will accept. And for what its worth, I'm a very laid back, easy going, low maintenance woman. But I've learned that until I meet the man who is going to completely accept me for me, without trying to change me or mold me into what he wants, then I will just keep moving on. Not that I would, but if I wanted to buy stiletto heels, I'd have to be in a R with a man who understands I want to buy stiletto heels. I don't think all Ms have to be that confining.

 

I no longer compare any man to exMM, other than to note that they treat me much better than he did. Its the chemistry factor that is so elusive.

 

So while I might have blamed it on commitment issues, I know its not that. Fact is, I'm over exMM and now I just want what I want! Period. No settling. If it happens it happens, so be it. In the meantime, I continue to live my life for me.

[saintfrancis]

What's wrong with buying stiletto heels?

[stillhere]

No, i think commitment issues would be the last thing in the world that i would have. I'm very commited to my work, sometimes too commited. I stayed at one place of employment for over 5 years, even though i was miserable. I'm now with my current employer for 4 1/2 years, and although the pay isn't the greatest in the world, i refuse to leave because i love it.

 

As far as relationships go, i was with one man for 4 years who cheated on me with anyone and everyone, including my sister and best friend. I was with my stbxH for 8 years, and he spent more time with his car and his friends than he did with me.

 

I was faithful to the cheater of 4 years the entire time. I did cheat on my stbxH at the end of our relationship, but i was looking for a way out. I had tried many times to kick him out, and he would always beg and plead with me, so i felt guilty and took him back and told him we could try and work it out.

 

Now for MM. I have been with him for 18 months and have been faithful to him. In my opinion, he is the hardest one to be faithful to. Only because we spend so much time apart. But i love him and that is the reason i'm still with him and only him. I will continue to be faithful to him until i'm fed up with our situation, or he tells me that he won't leave.

 

I can have my choice of so many men, and i get offers daily, but no one can hold a candle to my MM. So it's not like i don't have a choice, i do. I choose my MM over all others. I may change my mind if a single man with all the qualities i'm looking for walks into my life. Then things may change. I'm not waiting around forever, and MM is very aware of this. But for now, he's my one and only.

 

I too change cell phones, vehicles, clothes, material things, pretty often. My friend tells me i'm high maintenance, which i don't believe to be true. I don't have to have a Lexus parked in my front yard to be happy. I love clothes and new things, but they don't have to be Gucci or Versace. Just because i don't like buying Walmart brand clothes doesn't mean i'm high maintenance.

 

Anyways, NO, i don't think i have commitment issues. I think if anything, i'm too commited sometimes, which may be a different commitment type issue, but not the one you are asking if i have!

[Jinxx]

No -- I have no commitment issues, none.

[norajane]

I think I have some commitment issues. I was engaged in my early 20's and almost married a man that would have been very much the wrong man for me. Since then, I think I question my judgment about men - and fear that I might be allowing my feelings to make decisions that I will long regret. So I have often been attracted to inappropriate men, men that will never cause me to have to make a commitment decision...men who are geographically undesirable, age inappropriate, married, ultimately incompatible, emotionally unavailable, etc.

 

My SO is not the marrying kind, and even though I *think* I want marriage one day, I have no intention or desire to leave him. Wouldn't I leave him if I truly were looking for a marriage commitment?

 

In other areas of my life, I don't think I have commitment issues.

[movinon05]

What's wrong with buying stiletto heels?

 

Let's just say I'm not coordinated enough and I'd be breaking ankles!

[Blind Illusion]

No, not really at all.

 

I am married, albeit unhappily, and I have a long term live-in relationship before that and it was exclusive. I never even contemplated being with someone else when I was with him.

 

Plus, I would gladly commit to the MM if he was free to do so.

[kymberann]

I don'tthink I have commitment issues. I have found though that the older I get the choosier I have become. SO that may appear to some as a commitment issue. Plus I am not willing to back down or lower my standards like I would have or did when I was younger. So far as an xOW, I have taken up the single life and there are options out there, but not serious enough for me. Ohh if only I could combine a little of each into one big man!

 

Not that i am comparing these men to xmm, but if xmm came back or if things were different I would have commited 100 per cent!

[Babybird]

I wouldn't say that I had commitment issues. I will say that I straight up get bored with men. My first husband was just a mistake. I was young and dumb, two kids, and a mortgage all by 21. He was, and still is, dumber than a box of rocks. That was one thing I couldn't/can't tolerate.

 

My second marriage was starting to fail when he cheated. He bored me to death. He never wanted to go out, hang out with my friends(but he could screw them...explains a lot now), or do anything that I wanted to do. All he wanted to do was fish and watch t.v. Neither of which were things that I did or wanted to do. After he got home from work he would sit for hours and not say anything. He would be in bed at 9 or a little after and then complained that we never made love anymore. That kids didn't go to bed until 9:30. No way was I having them walk in on us.

 

So my beloved MM. Of course the challenge and excitement of the A intrigues me. He is more than that though. He is smarter than I am, funny, likes to do things I do, and never sits around, encourages me to do some things I have been putting off, is totally romantic, and doesn't put up with my somewhat controlling and domineering disposition. The thing that surprises me is that he talks as much as I do and that can be hard to do!!

 

SO commitment issue...no. Fear of Boredom..yes.

[puddleofmud]

Great question and good thread.

Being that I feel implicitly committed to MY life I do feel it can seem difficult to commit to having someone else in "it". This does make me cautious, but not fearful.

I would rather wait as long as it takes to find a "good fit" than accept less. I don't feel this makes me a commitment phobe, but rather just someone who knows what she wants and won't settle...

I am too well versed the reality of "sexual laisions" that may not offer the entire package, thus, this is just SEX or some kind of R that suits for the time being (convenience).

There is so much SEX out there that I often feel a little overwhelmed with the current dating/flirting/hooking up scenario. Actually, this in and of itself tends to bore me.

I am less inclined at this point to even care that much for sexually based gratification... because I have found this tends to become overly complicated and dramatic.

It is the popular mind-set that the so called "no-strings" type of R's are less complicated and less dramatic, but I disagree via my personal experience.

I have found these types of R' s to be HIGHLY charged with unmanagable complexities far beyond what shoes I wish to have (and believe me, girl, I am a SHOE BABE!).

It would seem that actually and realistically one is quite REQUIRED to commit: being that one must commit to "sex only"--this is a "string" in and of itself. Then, further, no emotions are allowed--that's another "string".

No expectations are allowed--and there is another fact to which one must "commit" oneself. Seems there are too many 'strings" regarding so called "non or attatchments of convenience" as there is little that is convenient about either.

There is too little freedom and too many boundaries to which one must commit!

Should there be secrets to be kept--well, then, this is another commitment! One does commit to only being compartmentalized, thus, one is not allowed to do the many simple things such as FREELY calling, dropping by, getting a much needed middle of the night "booty call" when WE want them, etc.

All add up to nothing less than committment. As well as personal loss of freedom.

Basically, it is my opinion that this idea is incongruous.

Either one commits to what they truly need and want or one commits to what they perceive as "non-committed".

I have found the latter to be most committal due that there is more time and effort taken to avoid.

It is actually EASIER and less messy (to say the least) to commit to one's ideals of a "good fit" and enjoy that with others, come hither one and all.

Yep! It may not work out, but as a committed "shoe gal"--shopping is FUN and buying is only as good as that one pair that ya wear every where and all the time!

[GreenEyedLady]

No, I don't think that I have committment issues...but I was lied to...so if anything, I'm thinking I'll have "trust" issues...

[cbl]

thank you ladies for your wisdom these are indeed great food for thoughts!

 

i guess these years i don't really think too much. after all, having to go through the loss of my mom, my big sis, and my grandparents in one year, a big surgery to remove a tumor that almost cost my eye sight (luckily... i have it back) loss of two babies (i am pro-choice i am sorry), involvement with two MMs for a total of 6.5 years, and.... oh i almost forget, if it wasn't for these past few days i browsed through infidelity forum, and had just realized i had been cheated twice by my ex-bf (i caught them and we broke up) i could not remember how hurt i was back then but i know those moments it was hurting like h*ll. but thank god people have strong power to heal - by forgiving, forgetting, and moving on. i guess i have moved on from all these but maybe in one way or another these incidents did change me in a way that i am not consciously aware of.

 

movingon thank you for sharing your story. i was confused since i was a kid. i used to want everything. then i know that i can't. then i know what i don't want.... and know i am still looking for what it is that i want in my life. and in a bigger picture... how i define myself. and oddly as it might sound, i know i don't want to define myself by who i will be married to (Mrs. xxx) if i do get married in the future. i just want to be ME, whoever i will be with. and yes maybe i just have to find the one who truly accept me for who i am. not someone who defines me.

 

stillhere thank you for your response. and i hope someday a man who treats you right will welcome you into his life and commits to you, just like the way you will commit to him.

 

norajane whenever i read your posts i always wonder such an intelligent and highly educated woman like you, how many men have voluntarily stepped away by just talking to you and realizing how much intelligence that you have in your words? i wish you all the best in finding "the one".

 

POM i tried this type of R with my xMM but i did not succeed. yes there are a lot of restrictions and it's the opposite of freedom that most women want these days. and one more thing.... i realize that women can never be the same as men. i can't just take "having sex" like "going out for a drink" or "playing pool" with my male buddies. and i am sure most women can't. if we can do that, isnt' the world going to sound a lot boring then? there will be no fight, no jealousy, no love, no hatred, no forgiving.... as one won't feel certain emotion without the existence of the opposite. now i remind myself of this movie "Pleasantville" i am gonna watch it again over the weekend.

 

and for ladies who are suffering as i did before, i hope you'll soon see the light at the end of the tunnel. whether MM or yourself making final decision to stay or to leave.... in whatever form... i hope you'll have the "happy self" back. after all it's what matters the most.

 

i have a lot of soul searching to do..... thank you all.