networkingman Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Greetings to all. I know I'm not the only one on this forum with a story like this to tell but I was hoping to get some insight or feedback. I am married with three wonderful children. My wife and I have a good marriage, sure we've had our problems but in 11 years of marriage, I have never wanted to or cheated on my wife. I started a new consulting gig back in November and one of my interviewers is the subject of this thread. Sure I harmlessly thought she was attractive, nothing more and we never had to work directly together. One month ago, I was assigned a project and we were to both co manage this endeavor together. Now, even though we were working together more closely and deliberately, I still never had any feelings for her. It wasn't until we had to travel to another city together that I started having feelings for her. Since we had to share a car, be in the same hotel (no not same room), be in meetings together, dinner, breakfast, etc we spent a lot of time together. I really enjoy being with her and interacting with her. She's also married but it doesn't seem like a happy marriage. She does talk about him but in passing as do I about my wife. Sometimes it seems she's interested in me too but perhaps there is this fighting within ourselves to keep anything from happening. How do I quit this girl? I really want to for the sake of my marriage. She's an exceptional woman and her husband should consider himself lucky to have her. I can't say I want her, but those feelings are just simply overwhelming at times. This is so not intentional. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I'm happy to hear that you're really thinking outside the box and not letting this get out of control. People get attracted to others, married or not. Sometimes they click quite well too - The key is to detach yourself and NOT let those feelings grow. Hopefully you can stop them from growing by never crossing the lines with this co-worker and not putting yourself in a situation that could lead to trouble....You know what I'm talking about.... Is it possible for you not to work with her as much? Not saying change jobs, but after this project is done, don't work with her so closely? It's just a receipe for disaster if you continue to work with her daily, have meals with her, talk to her.... And, whatever you do, do NOT discuss how you feel about her TO her. That will just open the door a crack, and lead to other things. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I really want to for the sake of my marriage. If you truly want to for the sake of your marriage like you say, then you will find a way. I think most all things can be worked around if gone about he right way or if one really wanted too. What I mean by that is, you need to either be moved to another department where your paths do not cross, or you change jobs all together. Might sound extreme but I think rarely if two people who work together and have some kind of attraction, will it just go away all of a sudden, while still working together. I mean its only going to be kept to a professional level but for so long, before something else happens. So it might be best to just remove yourself from the situation all together. Marriage counseling is probably a must as well, for you and your wife. You need to get to the bottom of why you are having feelings for this other woman. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Do you have children? If so, think of them. Think of the pain you'd be causing for your wife if you allow yourself to let those feelings grow for the coworker. Keep it in perspective, and do not allow yourself to "think" of this coworker in a sexual or romantic way. IF you do, then your marriage will suffer, you could very well detach emotionallly without realizing it, from your wife. Keep that in mind too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 It does help when I consciously think about the kids as I am a product of a divorced home. I sure wouldn't want my kids going through that. I wish I could get off the project and just have he run it, but unfortunately it crosses so many paths with other things I am responsible for. Just today, we have to spend a couple of hours in a strategy session to go over the programs we have running. I think to myself, "Ok, just go in, smile do the work and get out", but then it turns into talking and laughing about other things. I feel like this is a drug I'm addicted to and can't break the habit. I never did take illicit drugs in my entire life nor even smoked but I can certainly understand the addictive behavior. We may have to travel again in the near future. Consciously I dread it. I wish they made a "patch" for this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 It does help when I consciously think about the kids as I am a product of a divorced home. I sure wouldn't want my kids going through that. I wish I could get off the project and just have he run it, but unfortunately it crosses so many paths with other things I am responsible for. Just today, we have to spend a couple of hours in a strategy session to go over the programs we have running. I think to myself, "Ok, just go in, smile do the work and get out", but then it turns into talking and laughing about other things. I feel like this is a drug I'm addicted to and can't break the habit. I never did take illicit drugs in my entire life nor even smoked but I can certainly understand the addictive behavior. We may have to travel again in the near future. Consciously I dread it. I wish they made a "patch" for this situation. Try to keep this on a business level as much as possible, until you can be moved or something. It does sound as if you are trying, but its hard. As far as traveling together again, that would need to be a no go. Also when you see this other co worker, talk about your wife and family as much as possible in a good loving way. Schedule an appointment for counseling soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 It does help when I consciously think about the kids as I am a product of a divorced home. I sure wouldn't want my kids going through that. I wish I could get off the project and just have he run it, but unfortunately it crosses so many paths with other things I am responsible for. Just today, we have to spend a couple of hours in a strategy session to go over the programs we have running. I think to myself, "Ok, just go in, smile do the work and get out", but then it turns into talking and laughing about other things. I feel like this is a drug I'm addicted to and can't break the habit. I never did take illicit drugs in my entire life nor even smoked but I can certainly understand the addictive behavior. We may have to travel again in the near future. Consciously I dread it. I wish they made a "patch" for this situation. Try to keep this on a business level as much as possible, until you can be moved or something. It does sound as if you are trying, but its hard. As far as traveling together again, that would need to be a no go. Also when you see this other co worker, talk about your wife and family as much as possible in a good loving way. Schedule an appointment for counseling soon. Good idea. Funny you mention this, come to think of it, she never discusses her husband or kids in a loving matter. She has a 14 month old who you'd think she'd be into telling the world about him. This is very hard and I don't even know why. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I feel like this is a drug I'm addicted to and can't break the habit. I never did take illicit drugs in my entire life nor even smoked but I can certainly understand the addictive behavior. Then you better talk to your boss about this. I mean, professionally speaking if you can't handle working with this woman, then it IS best for you, your marriage to put a stop to this. Suffer the consquences if you don't change area's or get more people to help you out so you won't be alone with her. But, in all honesty, I think if you told your boss what was going on, he/she WOULD do all that would be necessary to help you. Don't get sucked into "her life story", the why's, how's etc...Who cares. If you feel you're addicted to her like a drug, all the more means for you to stay away. And whatever you do, please don't talk about your wife, your children and your life to her. KISS. Keep it simple stupid. You know that expression? Live by it right now. It already has affected your marriage. Whether or not you know it, but the fact you described it like being addicted to a drug, just means how deeply you're feeling it, that connection....And your wife will suffer for it bcause you've opened your heart emotionally to another woman. What are you going to do about it? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 We may have to travel again in the near future. Then ask your boss to send afew more people so you don't have to be alone with her. I'm really concerned that if you go away with her again, something will happen that you're going to regret - EVEN if you enjoy it in the heat of the moment...Please, keep thinking outside the box and focus that energy into your wife. She's done nothing wrong, she loves you. It would break her heart if she knew what you were up to, feeling this way. Another thing to think about, reverse the situation. How would you like it if your wife was feeling this way about a man she was working with...Having the same thoughts you are having about this woman. How does it make you feel? Upset, jealous? Angry? Hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I have a pat reply for these posts. My thought is that you need to understand the process involved in what you are going through so that you will not make it (the way you feel about her) more important than it is. Try these links [COLOR=#0000ff]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/COLOR] [COLOR=#0000ff]The Brain in Love and Lust[/COLOR] [COLOR=#800080]Valentine Schmalentine[/COLOR] You're completely right about the similarity to a drug. It's actually physiological, natures way of ensuring the continuance of the species. Period. Paragraph! You wouldn't hurt your wife and children for a fix would you. I'm terribly impressed that you have taken the time to consider what is happening and forgoing the "if it feels good, do it" attitude. However great this woman may seem, these things are ALWAYS a one way ticket down a painful path for everyone. No good will come of it, in that way it is also very much like a drug. Good Luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I wish they made a "patch" for this situation. Actually they do. Because of the chemistry involved in producing that "high", SSRI's can usually help to quell that! Kind of an "anti-love drug"!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Then ask your boss to send afew more people so you don't have to be alone with her. I'm really concerned that if you go away with her again, something will happen that you're going to regret - EVEN if you enjoy it in the heat of the moment...Please, keep thinking outside the box and focus that energy into your wife. She's done nothing wrong, she loves you. It would break her heart if she knew what you were up to, feeling this way. Another thing to think about, reverse the situation. How would you like it if your wife was feeling this way about a man she was working with...Having the same thoughts you are having about this woman. How does it make you feel? Upset, jealous? Angry? Hurt? No, you are correct. I do think about how it would feel if the tables were turned. Not exactly a great feeling so then you can understand why I have this torment going on in my head. My wife has done nothing wrong. That's true. So we had our strategy session today and for the most part it was all business. I heard a little bit more about her husband today which helps me. Not sure if she's doing it for herself, but hey, that's fine too! Anyway, the discussion about traveling came up. First it was about her traveling alone then she said, "Oh wait, you have to go there too for your other projects". I told her this time she can get her own car so she wouldn't have to wait on me but then she noted that because of my travel club status, it's easier if I do it since all we have to do is get in the car and go. I tried and again, I'm not sure if she's doing that for an "interest" in me. I've honestly never been through this in my 11 years of marriage. As a consultant, I've met and seen plenty of even more attractive women. I just don't get why this one is so alluring to me. I'll take that "patch" now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Then you better talk to your boss about this. I mean, professionally speaking if you can't handle working with this woman, then it IS best for you, your marriage to put a stop to this. Suffer the consquences if you don't change area's or get more people to help you out so you won't be alone with her. But, in all honesty, I think if you told your boss what was going on, he/she WOULD do all that would be necessary to help you. Don't get sucked into "her life story", the why's, how's etc...Who cares. If you feel you're addicted to her like a drug, all the more means for you to stay away. And whatever you do, please don't talk about your wife, your children and your life to her. KISS. Keep it simple stupid. You know that expression? Live by it right now. It already has affected your marriage. Whether or not you know it, but the fact you described it like being addicted to a drug, just means how deeply you're feeling it, that connection....And your wife will suffer for it bcause you've opened your heart emotionally to another woman. What are you going to do about it? I would love nothing but to be removed from the situation but I am here as a consultant. She is a full time employee so there is a little bit of that, "I need to be on my best behavior" type of situation. My client (boss), would probably just close my contract if I told him. He wouldn't want to deal with it. I don't blame him. As far as it already affecting my mariage, I'm not so sure about that. Perhaps you are correct, I don't even see it but everything seems about the same. (I know, I am saying this with all that is going on). Of course, I might be making a mountain out of a molehill with this. She may not even be interested and I just need to get over it. Of course, I shouldn't even care if she does or does not. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I would love nothing but to be removed from the situation but I am here as a consultant. She is a full time employee so there is a little bit of that, "I need to be on my best behavior" type of situation. My client (boss), would probably just close my contract if I told him. He wouldn't want to deal with it. I don't blame him. As far as it already affecting my mariage, I'm not so sure about that. Perhaps you are correct, I don't even see it but everything seems about the same. (I know, I am saying this with all that is going on). Of course, I might be making a mountain out of a molehill with this. She may not even be interested and I just need to get over it. Of course, I shouldn't even care if she does or does not. Just a little word to the wise on this matter, whatever kind of relationship you have with this co worker and any feelings that may be involved, will eventually spill over into your marriage. It might not at first, but if so it might be gradual without you even realizing it. In other words at some point if things progress with this co worker, your wife may be able to pick up on something not being right. It will at some point become hard to juggle two relationships without one spilling over into the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 Just a little word to the wise on this matter, whatever kind of relationship you have with this co worker and any feelings that may be involved, will eventually spill over into your marriage. It might not at first, but if so it might be gradual without you even realizing it. In other words at some point if things progress with this co worker, your wife may be able to pick up on something not being right. It will at some point become hard to juggle two relationships without one spilling over into the other. There's no doubt about that JackJack. I wish I had someone I could talk to about this but I can't exactly go to counseling without my wife knowing. What could I tell her, the truth? My wife is the jealous type and nothing has happened. I am truly worried about the upcoming trip. Dear God, this is the craziest experience I've ever had. Sure I've thought other women are attractive and had certain thoughts but this one, it's like when I first met my wife. I almost feel like I'm losing it. Thanks everyone for the responses, it helps! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 nothing has happened Maybe not physically, but emotionally something has happened. You have feelings for this co-worker and you're comparing what you feel for her, to what you felt for your wife when you first met her. That's serious. Do you think of this woman when you're at home? In bed? In the morning, or in the shower? Or is it just when you see her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Maybe not physically, but emotionally something has happened. You have feelings for this co-worker and you're comparing what you feel for her, to what you felt for your wife when you first met her. That's serious. Do you think of this woman when you're at home? In bed? In the morning, or in the shower? Or is it just when you see her? Sometimes I do think about her when I am home, not in bed nor in the shower and yes, it's bad when I see her. Today was strange with her, all business, and she mirrored what I said about my wife. Meaning the depth of the conversation, if I started to show a more loving tone, she'd do the same about her husband but then I'd go back to just strictly just talking about her, then she'd reciprocate. I hope this makes sense. The trip is coming up in a few weeks. I'm worried about this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 You need to stop having personal conversations with her. All you have to tell her you need to keep things non-personal, and on the straight and narrow, more business like. She isn't your friend. She can't be because she's a threat to your marriage. If she ever asks why you're more distant just say "I'm a married man and my wife wouldn't like me talking and getting personal with another woman." That's it. No more, no less than that...you don't "owe" your co-worker a long explanation...Trust me, she'll know why... How long is this trip? And, spend as little time with her as possible. Say you're sick or you're not up for company when you're not doing work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 ...Trust me, she'll know why... Please expand on this, why will she know why? The trip should only be a couple of days. I have no choice but to be joined at the hip to her because the company wants to save money. I'll have the car rental and she'll be along for the ride again. Same hotel, dinner and breakfast together. Could mean nothing, but could also be a recipe for disaster. She was more business like yesterday which is good. Maybe she has some self-checking to do as well. She's off today, but I can almost guarantee a phone call for some reason. It's usually business, but like last time, it's things that could certainly wait for her return. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Please expand on this, why will she know why? I'm sure she feels abit of what you're feeling as well. She is a woman, and women pick up on those vibes. (like the way you look at her, smile, or if you look into her eyes, then you feel something...She probably feels that too) So, if you backed off abit, kept it professional and didn't hang out with her, she will know why, especially if you tell her I'm married and my wife wouldn't like me spending so much time with another woman. That is what I meant by she'll know. The trip should only be a couple of days. I have no choice but to be joined at the hip to her because the company wants to save money. I'll have the car rental and she'll be along for the ride again. Same hotel, dinner and breakfast together. Could mean nothing, but could also be a recipe for disaster. Breakfast, fine, but dinner? Order in room service. Just tell her you have some work to do, some phone calls to make. Pay for dinner out of your pocket if you have to. I'm just making suggestions so you won't be tempted, and atleast YOU know you're doing just about everything possible to avoid a possible bad choice. She was more business like yesterday which is good. Maybe she has some self-checking to do as well. She's off today, but I can almost guarantee a phone call for some reason. It's usually business, but like last time, it's things that could certainly wait for her return. What you can do now is not think about her. You're antisipating that she'll call you. Maybe she won't. If she doesn't, is that going to make you think, or wonder why she didn't check in with you? By not letting yourself think about her, emotionally you can detach and put your feelings in perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 When a woman lets you know that she is unhappy at home (in most cases) and enjoys your company and actively seeks out to contact you then she is interested. No question about it. She may well have backed off a little because she doesn't want to embarrass herself. You can saftely decern that she is interested in ATLEAST an EA. In your first post you said that you had worked with many beautiful women but that you had never been affected like this. Here's the deal. Attraction and infatuation are not a choice. You can neither choose to feel these things for someone nor choose not to. Unfortunately these things are biologically wired not to last for long. You have no choice or control over your feelings about this woman. Love, however, is a choice. Any action that you take is a choice. I read this yesterday and adored it. It's an introduction for a new poster who talks about his marriage. I think his wife is one lucky woman! [COLOR=#800080]introduction - LoveShack.org Community Forums[/COLOR] You can say that your marriage HASN'T suffered but I can guarantee that it has. Every minute spent thinking about this woman is hurting your marriage. And guess what, your wife will not EVER be able to make you feel like this woman does at the moment. She will never be new to you. You choose whether you "set her up" to fail. And mark my words, if you continue even to consider where this might go with this woman you will begin to find fault with your wife and most likely even eventually come to dislike her. Do something for your marriage today. I don't mean to do something nice for your wife I mean think of something you could do to improve or enhance your marriage. I don't know if you're much of a reader or if you have the time but if so grab the book "Kosher Adultery". Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 You may want to read some of the stories in the OW/OM forum about the pain and devastation that all parties suffer with a cheating spouse. A momentary infatuation can't be worth the potential for the shock waves an affair can cause. She has let you know she's interested. Now it's time for you to be the man and shut her down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 What you can do now is not think about her. You're antisipating that she'll call you. Maybe she won't. If she doesn't, is that going to make you think, or wonder why she didn't check in with you? By not letting yourself think about her, emotionally you can detach and put your feelings in perspective. Actually, I'll be busy at work (which helps) and won't have the chance to think about her. It'll help that she's not at work. Will I be disappointed if she doesn't call? No. Admittedly it's what I imagine an addict feels when he's coming off a drug though. Thanks for all your suggestions and input, these honestly help (even though I'm old enough to know better)! You know, I'm going to do something for my wife, I've gotta get this woman out of my system! That damn trip will be the ultimate test. I feel like I'll be an alcoholic going to a bar. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 She has let you know she's interested. Now it's time for you to be the man and shut her down. I don't think she has let me know. Because of my "infatuation", perhaps I see things that aren't there. Certainly at the trip, I beleive she showed some interest but now that we're back, maybe she's trying to keep it at bay like I am. Or maybe I'm full of it! This is crazy! Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 You know, I'm going to do something for my wife, I've gotta get this woman out of my system! LOL, then you'll be doing something for yourself as well my friend! Thanks for all your suggestions and input, these honestly help (even though I'm old enough to know better)! I always wondered if we indeed ever become old enough to know better - ummm, how old is that exactly! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts