whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 That damn trip will be the ultimate test. I feel like I'll be an alcoholic going to a bar. Great way of handling this situation. Just don't PUT yourself in that situation where you're tempted. And, remember too, your loyality lays with your wife, not the co-worker. Don't be TOO concerned how she will feel if you don't have dinner with her, or aren't too personal/social with her. Your wife is 100000x more important! It is crazy, but you can control how crazy you make it. Don't ever act upon it, and god forbid if this co-worker makes a move on you, RUN the other way and don't look back. When this work trip is over and done with, talk to your boss about not working with her anymore when the project is completed. Then, make plans to take your wife away somewhere for a romantic weekend. Focus on her, your love for her.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 And guess what, your wife will not EVER be able to make you feel like this woman does at the moment. She will never be new to you. You know, these two sentences speak volumes of this situation. Sure there's the whole biochemical processes going on but this statement is so true. I think this is what it is! So, I guess a good old fashioned re-sparking is needed in my marraige. I guess after 11 years, three kids, work, school, and just plain living causes some sort of drifting. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 "kosher adultery" How to sin with your spouse! Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 I always wondered if we indeed ever become old enough to know better - ummm, how old is that exactly! LOL!! My father always told me, even in his 70's that he was always learning about life, still surprised by so many things. I suppose this "craziness" is one of life's little surprises... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 I think at times we all miss that new crushy feeling that happens when we first meet up with someone we click with. Having crushes can be healthy, but when they start to develop into feelings and affect you more, then that's not healthy or good for a marriage. I've said this before on another recent thread, but man, wouldn't it be nice to bottle those intense crush like feelings and be able to open up the jar later in marriage when you need it! This is why marriage is hard work. To keep those feelings alive, and desire to be there. Having kids, working and dealing with lifes daily stresses definately can kill off romance at times. BUT, it's up to you and your wife to make sure that stuff doesn't get in the way of your relationship. Tonight, take a hot bath with your wife. Just surprise her!! Bring her home some flowers and tell her how much you love her. Then, kiss her. And I mean, kiss her, passionately!! Tongue and all!! Make out like teens!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 You know, my wife gave me three wonderful kids, was there when I lost my father, moved to other parts of the country, shared my whole life with me, does everything in the world for me, so why on God's green Earth would I even have the nerve to have feelings for someone else? As I've stated in a previous post, my biological father cheated on my mom and I promised myself I would NEVER EVER do that to my family. Why does this have to happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 I love WWIU's advice about sparking your relationship with your wife again. Surprise intimacy can add an edge to your relationship. Make the arrangements for a surprise weekend away with your wife before you go on that trip. No matter how much effort you make, kids can stifle your intimacy to an extent, so going away to a hotel is key. Make-out anywhere and everywhere like two hormonal teenagers and afterwards, when you're both feeling relaxed and stress free, talk, really talk, not about the family but about each other and how much you care for the other. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 This does not HAVE to happen. Yeah, you've gotta handle it. The only way you can do that is to get this woman out of your life ASAP. You have no reason to feel guilty for having these feelings, you didn't go out asking for it, you are blown away by it. You do have to handle it. Let me ask you two questions. 1) Do you lock your car when you get out of it? 2) is your marraige more important than your car? If so, lock it! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 You know, my wife gave me three wonderful kids, was there when I lost my father, moved to other parts of the country, shared my whole life with me, does everything in the world for me, so why on God's green Earth would I even have the nerve to have feelings for someone else? As I've stated in a previous post, my biological father cheated on my mom and I promised myself I would NEVER EVER do that to my family. Why does this have to happen? People get crushes, get attractions to eachother...So what? No big deal. That is how you gotta look at it. It will take effort on your behalf to fight the feelings for your co-worker but I know you can do it! Maybe don't look at her in such a positive way. Look for some faults her in, focus on those. Like, if she talks bad about her husband to you, just think if she is saying that about him, how would HE feel if he found out? Stuff like that. And, atleast you know and understand the consquences, the fallout and the pain you'll be inflicting on your family. That in itself should be enough to stop you from enjoying those feelings too much. Stay strong and remember to make out with your wife later on! Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 Of course she calls, all business but still. The alcoholic gets a bottle opened up in front of him (no offense to those who are, just trying to provide an analogy). Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 See, her calling when she doesn't really "have" just shows that she wants to be intouch with you, ever so slightly.... you really need to work on distancing yourself emotionally from her. Don't pay attention to her in the sense of gazing into her eyes and getting caught up in the moment. Don't be too interested in her personal life, meaning, don't ask her questions. Don't ask "how was your weekend" or "do you have plans this weekend with your husband" etc...etc...Hope this makes sense to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 8, 2007 Author Share Posted March 8, 2007 See, her calling when she doesn't really "have" just shows that she wants to be intouch with you, ever so slightly.... you really need to work on distancing yourself emotionally from her. Don't pay attention to her in the sense of gazing into her eyes and getting caught up in the moment. Don't be too interested in her personal life, meaning, don't ask her questions. Don't ask "how was your weekend" or "do you have plans this weekend with your husband" etc...etc...Hope this makes sense to you. I know, I know....Believe me I know...Unfortunately I have at least another three months before this project is over with. Too much time in there.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 Well I threatened to dump the project we're working on together...wow, she didn't like that at all. Funny thing is, she could probably just do it herself but for some reason she's got people convinced she needs help. Not sure what this will do for tomorrow but it might be interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I know I will get flamed for this but the whole LS seems to be "save the wife, omg poor wife" etc. Other people have feelings too and get hurt deeply. I'm saying what if the said co-worker has feelings for him, or even if she really needs him for the business project. Does she deserve to be flirted with and then dropped like a hot potato without the word of explanation? You make it seem like she doesn't matter at all just because she is not his wife. She is a person too you know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Well I threatened to dump the project we're working on together...wow, she didn't like that at all. Funny thing is, she could probably just do it herself but for some reason she's got people convinced she needs help. Not sure what this will do for tomorrow but it might be interesting. Give an update eh! I hope you're being good and behaving yourself... I know I will get flamed for this but the whole LS seems to be "save the wife, omg poor wife" etc. Other people have feelings too and get hurt deeply. I'm saying what if the said co-worker has feelings for him, or even if she really needs him for the business project. Does she deserve to be flirted with and then dropped like a hot potato without the word of explanation? You make it seem like she doesn't matter at all just because she is not his wife. She is a person too you know. Noone is saying never speak to this coworker again or be rude to her! He just needs to distance himself from her - AND in all honesty seeing as they're both married, it shouldn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why he needs to back off of her. She's an intuitive woman, trust me, she'll know and understand that their closeness is inappropriate. His first priority is with his wife's feelings not the co-worker. If she (coworker) gets hurt, she can deal with it! She's an adult, a married woman - So she should know better! She isn't some kid in highschool being ignored by a guy she may like. He isn't just going to DROP her all of a sudden, but even if he did and she gets hurt, that's a good thing because it will show her letting yourself fall for someone else when you're married is wrong and inappropriate behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I know I will get flamed for this but the whole LS seems to be "save the wife, omg poor wife" etc. Other people have feelings too and get hurt deeply. I'm saying what if the said co-worker has feelings for him, or even if she really needs him for the business project. Does she deserve to be flirted with and then dropped like a hot potato without the word of explanation? You make it seem like she doesn't matter at all just because she is not his wife. She is a person too you know. "Flirted with and dropped like a hot potato??!!" "OMG poor wife?!" THIS woman is married!!! Geesh, this line of thinking just boggles my mind, I can't believe anyone would even admit to it! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I know. This married coworker is NOT the OW being roped in by MM. They haven't 'done' anything let alone talk about feelings. And, it should be kept that way. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Geesh, this line of thinking just boggles my mind, I can't believe anyone would even admit to it! I will admit to it and I will stand by it. I think I made a valid point. When you say she will just know why he is distancing himself, well people can't read minds and she might keep wondering what has she done wrong work wise etc. As for the OP there is obviously something missing from his marriage if he has let himself develop feelings for another at this particular time. Maybe the passion, spark has gone. I know it can't be like it was at the begining but there are still ways to keep the passion alive even after 30 years of marriage (my parents have done it). When marriage is functionning well, when both partners are talking regularly, having regular sex and are close both physically and emotionally there just isn't room for even thinking about another person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 Give an update eh! I hope you're being good and behaving yourself... Dear God, all this caused was her latching on more it seems. She made it crystal clear that I am not walking away from this project. She was less "business" after this discussion, so....*sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 When marriage is functionning well, when both partners are talking regularly, having regular sex and are close both physically and emotionally there just isn't room for even thinking about another person. I will admit that some of this is lacking in my marriage. Perhaps this is what's causing me to drift. Please don't take this as me blaming my wife either, I'm sure I have a stake in the claim of responsibility as well. But never in the history of my marriage have I ever drifted emotionally to another woman. NEVER! Sure, I've admired women who are beautiful but never had any feelings whatsoever. Zip, zilch nada! Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 When marriage is functionning well, when both partners are talking regularly, having regular sex and are close both physically and emotionally there just isn't room for even thinking about another person. I fully disagree. Attraction is not a choice. You may, however, choose act on it or not. He needs to protect his marriage at all cost. I promise you that if your parents have the marriage that you describe then it is because THEY understand that love grows, changes, and "matures" from the initial infatuation. They must understand that marriage is a commitment and have CHOSEN to honor it forsaking all others. I can ASSURE you that at some point they have experienced a strong attraction to someone other than their partner but understood that it was insignificant in the long run and unhealthy for their commitment. THAT is true love. Had your father worried more about another woman's feelings than he did about y our mother's then they might not even be married today! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Dear God, all this caused was her latching on more it seems. She made it crystal clear that I am not walking away from this project. She was less "business" after this discussion, so....*sigh* The part I hilighted in bold - THAT IS BULLCRAP. Talk about manipulation. This woman is married as well, I'm sure her husband would NOT like her behaviour, and the fact she's opening the door of disaster! TAKE CONTROL, otherwise you're in big trouble. And what did you do? How did you handle it and what did you say? DId you talk personal with her or did you try your best to make it all about business. YOu know, when she acts like that, you can walk away -Let her know that when she's ready to be professional and not cross lines with you, only then you'll deal with her. You need to take control of this situation NOW because if you don't, you're gonna find yourself doing something that you WILL regret. You have a hell of alot to lose. DO NOT let this woman control the situation. As soon as this project is over, you talk to your boss and tell him what is going on, and let him know you cannot work closely with her ever again, that it is a threat to your marriage. I"m not kidding, if you feel you can't control yourself around her, or the feelings are getting deeper, maybe even consider leaving your job and finding another one. Sure, it would suck, changing jobs, but changing jobs is alot easier to get used to than losing your wife, your children, your whole life as you know it for a selfish roll in the hay with someone you work with. Maybe it's time that you talk to your wife and see what she has to say about what is going on. Let her know what you're feeling inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 Maybe it's time that you talk to your wife and see what she has to say about what is going on. Let her know what you're feeling inside. My wife is the extremely jealous type, I'm afraid this is not possible. I'd love to talk to her about this, but she'd completely fly off the handle. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 I will admit that some of this is lacking in my marriage. Perhaps this is what's causing me to drift. Please don't take this as me blaming my wife either, I'm sure I have a stake in the claim of responsibility as well. But never in the history of my marriage have I ever drifted emotionally to another woman. NEVER! Sure, I've admired women who are beautiful but never had any feelings whatsoever. Zip, zilch nada! I'm telling ya, if you don't put a stop to this, you're going to end up hurting your wife more than you'll ever know. It's serious now, especially after reading what you wrote already this morning. A job is just a job - You can find work somewhere else. Your wife isn't replaceable. Imagine this. You can't say no and you and the coworker have that affair just waiting to happen. You fall deeper. You decide to leave your wife. Coworker says she'll leave her H. But doesn't...She freaks out realizing she does love her H and doesn't want to leave him, ever. She ends it with you. Now, you're alone. No wife, no family, no kids, no house because your wife hates your guts and never wants you back. Even more so because you didn't talk to her BEFORE choosing to cheat on her. She had no clue the marriage was introuble or that you felt distant from her.... You gotta decide if having an affair and having some hot sex is worth losing EVERYTHING over. Don't live in the moment, don't be selfish. And most of all, remember your wife's feeling are 1000000x more IMPORTANT than the co-worker's feelings. You may be emotionally attached to the co-worker but you really don't OWE her your loyalty. That loyality and respect belongs to your wife. I hope some of this is really making you stop and think before you do 'choose' to do something real dumb.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 My wife is the extremely jealous type, I'm afraid this is not possible. I'd love to talk to her about this, but she'd completely fly off the handle. Then what are you going to do? If you do nothing, then chances are you'll end up in that affair. Some sort of action MUST take place to change things, either at home or at work. You talk to your boss, tell him everything NOW and see what he can do to help you out. Link to post Share on other sites
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