Coworker Situation

[want2believenluv]

I am going through a similar situation with my husband who was progressively flirting with one of his co-workers. (I made a post about it the other day) He came clean to me before anything happened, but it has been a really big blow and a wake-up call for us both. We are still working on examining the situation and moving forward. So, my perspective is obviously more from your wife's side. But, to me you should take the OW out of the equation for a moment and ask yourself, do you want to end things with your wife. Are you ready to live life without her as your wife? If the answer is a solid no, then, you must do whatever it takes to avoid the OW and the temptation. It is a slippery slope and a dangerous temptation to even allow yourself to be around the OW right now. You need to look at the root of why you were even considering taking your professional relationship to another level. Perhaps you should consider counseling and perhaps talking to your wife. I know some people think you shouldn't come clean if nothing actually happened, but being in my shoes, I think it says a lot when you can open the lines of communication and be honest. It will hurt her tremendously at first, but hopefully she will be able to guide you through and it could be a good way for both of you together to re-evaluate where you are in your relationship. By the way, the OW sounds like someone you should stay away from regardless what you decide about your marriage. The red flags you are sensing about her should not be ignored.

[whichwayisup]

The red flags you are sensing about her should not be ignored.

I agree 100%. They are there, the thing is, networkingman may not 'see' them due to his feelings for her.....

 

Good post reply W2BL. Hope you and your husband work through things and your marriage becomes even stronger.

[networkingman]

Silly man! She KNOWS how you feel by the way you look at it. She feels that attraction too. Don't be surprised, and don't be fooled either......

 

Ok, let's just say she has the same feelings for me (I'm not sure how you thinks she does but...). Women seem to have more "sense" then men. Why won't she just run like her ass is on fire? Or, am I making something out of nothing?

[networkingman]

By the way, the OW sounds like someone you should stay away from regardless what you decide about your marriage. The red flags you are sensing about her should not be ignored.

 

Thanks for your reply. I certainly hope you can work things out with your H. Please give me an example of these red flags. This may seem rudimentary to you, but I guess I don't see them. It's not like she's pinned me to a corner in her office and kissed me. I know I'll get a flaming on this one, but I think I need to be hit by a 2 by 4.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114304/

 

Read this thread, it's want2believenluv's situation. You might see the otherside of things before it's too late.........

 

Ok, let's just say she has the same feelings for me (I'm not sure how you thinks she does but...). Women seem to have more "sense" then men. Why won't she just run like her ass is on fire? Or, am I making something out of nothing?

 

Because maybe she is lonely in her marriage. Maybe her needs aren't being met. You don't really "know" her, nor do you know what she's capable of. I mean, what if she's cheated on her husband before? Or at best, came real close with someone else....It's just a fine line you're getting close to, and one that really can't be crossed.

 

Who knows? Maybe I'm wrong and you're reading into everything she says/does....Maybe she's clueless...But, I doubt it. When two people work closely like you two have, and one person feels the sparks, chances are, the other person feels it too. Her behaviour, how she is with you, her calling you when she doesn't have to, are ALL signs...If it was a male co-worker, he wouldn't be going out of his way to talk to you...Let alone, hang out, go to lunch...Take a step back and see things from a different angle.

[whichwayisup]

Fact - She likes to talk to you and spend time with you.

Fact - When she doesn't need to call you, she does.

Fact - HOW you feel when you are around her.

Fact - She gets you out of the office for lunch and you can't say no to her.

Fact - (and your quote here) : I still never had any feelings for her. It wasn't until we had to travel to another city together that I started having feelings for her. Since we had to share a car, be in the same hotel (no not same room), be in meetings together, dinner, breakfast.

 

Fact - That you know she's a threat to your marriage.

Fact - I can't say I want her, but those feelings are just simply overwhelming at times. This is so not intentional. Help! (again, your quote)

 

-Fact again - . Sure I've thought other women are attractive and had certain thoughts but this one, it's like when I first met my wife. I almost feel like I'm losing it. Your quote.

 

Go back and really READ your words in your posts. IT screams out all the red flags.....Not only from her, but from you.

[want2believenluv]

Well, from what you describe I have come to a couple of conclusions (excuse me if I'm way off). I'll bullet them below.

 

* She has lost all respect for marriage because hers is failing

*She probably thinks you feel the same way and that you are in the same situation

* She is enjoying your attention and is obviously giving you the kind of ego boost you didn't even realize you were in need of

* She is not as concerned with crossing the line of professionalism

* She is good at reading you and is saying/doing just the right things to keep you interested (I think this is called manipulation)

* She is holding on as she senses you are trying to pull away (and this must turn you on a little)

* She has a small child, but is more focused on meeting her own needs and not on what is best for her child

 

I think these are some specific examples. I hope I wasn't too harsh. It just seems that you have not really decided to stop anything, but are trying to appease some underlying guilt. If you really want to stop the cycle that your father started, then you must hit yourself with a 2X4.

[networkingman]

Fact - She likes to talk to you and spend time with you.

Fact - When she doesn't need to call you, she does.

Fact - HOW you feel when you are around her.

Fact - She gets you out of the office for lunch and you can't say no to her.

Fact - (and your quote here) : I still never had any feelings for her. It wasn't until we had to travel to another city together that I started having feelings for her. Since we had to share a car, be in the same hotel (no not same room), be in meetings together, dinner, breakfast.

 

Fact - That you know she's a threat to your marriage.

Fact - I can't say I want her, but those feelings are just simply overwhelming at times. This is so not intentional. Help! (again, your quote)

 

-Fact again - . Sure I've thought other women are attractive and had certain thoughts but this one, it's like when I first met my wife. I almost feel like I'm losing it. Your quote.

 

Go back and really READ your words in your posts. IT screams out all the red flags.....Not only from her, but from you.

 

lol...I love it when my own words are used against me! She may like to talk to me only because we click. It doesn't mean she's hot and heavy with me. Ok, I can't refute the lunch thing too much, this is now day number two in a row. And yes, when we got back from lunch, we spent an hour talking about other things with a splash of work. I know, the red flags are there, I guess I don't want to see them. Maybe it's nothing too...

[whichwayisup]

lol...I love it when my own words are used against me! She may like to talk to me only because we click. It doesn't mean she's hot and heavy with me. Ok, I can't refute the lunch thing too much, this is now day number two in a row. And yes, when we got back from lunch, we spent an hour talking about other things with a splash of work. I know, the red flags are there, I guess I don't want to see them. Maybe it's nothing too...

 

Sorry, just needed you to see the 2X4 coming your way. Don't take it personally eh!

 

It's OK to click with someone you work with. Geez, my previous job, I worked with basically men. It was a blast! The thing is though, I had no feelings for any of them. Not one turned me on, not one caught my eye. They made me laugh! Problem is in your situation, you "like" her more than you should, and you're trying to backpedal away now after owning up how you feel... You just need to be aware of what COULD happen if you let it. Don't put blinders on, and definately don't see her in the light that she's innocent. Better to be safe, than sorry...

[networkingman]

* She is enjoying your attention and is obviously giving you the kind of ego boost you didn't even realize you were in need of

 

Yes, this is a lot of it. I am getting some sort of sick ego boost from this. Maybe that's all it is, almost an early mid-life crisis.

 

* If you really want to stop the cycle that your father started, then you must hit yourself with a 2X4.

 

Actually, this did hit me with a 2x4. Not harsh, just truthful and I needed that.

[networkingman]

The thing is though, I had no feelings for any of them. Not one turned me on, not one caught my eye. They made me laugh!

 

Ok, so what if one of them caught your eye? What would you do if you are married and the OM is married? Have you been in a situation like this?

[whichwayisup]

LOL trust me, if you knew these guys none of them were the type to get crushes on. I did have a crush on someone in the workplace, but I didn't work directly with him. He never knew how I felt, I quietly enjoyed it for a little while, the heart flutters and stuff, but it went away on it's own. Those types of crushes are innocent and harmless...It's the ones that continue to grow into something else, real feelings, that are a danger to your marriage. You have more than a crush on her.

 

I had a crush on someone online though, and it could have turned into something more. Looking back on it, it was stupid. Started off as friends, but feelings were there, we crossed the lines, talked about what it 'could have been if only we'd met many years ago', he backed off, I got my feelings hurt, but nothing came of it. We were in two different countries. Not only that, but I honestly couldn't see myself physically cheating...I know my boundries and couldn't do that to my H.

 

DUring the time it happened I was at my worst, hubby and I were not clicking, at all - And both of us had our little crushes on the side. The key is, not to let yourself fall hard. A crush is a crush, enjoy it for what it is, but don't let it turn into an obsession. if you think about her more than you should, or find yourself wanting to be around that person, your coworker MORE than you should, then it's time to back off and detach yourself.

 

Hope that helps.

[networkingman]

I suppose this is more than a "high school" crush and I know I need to back off. It just seems the more I back off, the more she comes back or is it the more I reach out? I sure don't want to say "back off" and embarrass myself if I had been reading something that was nothing.

[whichwayisup]

It's a natural thing though, you back off and she comes looking for you. If you keep backing off, she'll have no choice but to take your lead and leave you alone, back off herself.

 

If she doesn't back off, you could just tell her, without hurting her feelings or accusing her of something, say YOU are not comfortable spending so much alone time with a woman because you are married. She of all people, seeing as she is married, should understand that. I highly doubt SHE would be pissed off if her hubby was cozy with another woman in his office...I'm sure she would expect him to know the boundries and not let feelings develop.

[whichwayisup]

Oh and who cares if you embarress yourself? Better to do that, than end up smack in the middle of an affair, and then you hurt your wife.

[nicki]

Listen to what everyone is saying.

 

Admit you like it, you probably need a little excitement (not this kind, though), and then pull the plug on this drama....

 

These things may help:

 

1. Tell your wife. I know it is a scary prospect, but remember: Affairs always grow in the dark, like fungus. Let the sun shine on this situation. It will go away if you do that. No secrets from your wife. You can find a way to tell her, simply talk about YOUR feelings. Do not blame her or her behavior in any way. ASk for her help. Tell her that you love her, that you are a team, and that this is all on you. Tell her that she is the only woman for you and you don't understand what is going on. She will respect you for coming to her, even if she first reacts in a jealous manner....she will come around when her emotions and fears subside....and she will help you.

 

2. You must stop indulging in thinking positive thoughts about this woman. Replace them with negative ones. It will help to also find something physical about her that you don't like. Does she have big feet? Ugly ears? Nose hairs?(Even in the least?) Focus on one of these negatives every time you see her.

 

3. Do go on and on about your wife in conversations. Bore the sh*t out of this coworker. Don't comment on any of her personal revelations, however. Everything she says about her husband should "remind" you of your wife.

For instance, if she says her husband never pays any attention to her, your response is something like, "My wife pays so much attention to me. I adore her, too. In fact, I forgot that I need to call her. Please excuse me."

 

4. Your feelings will follow your behavior. Act uninterested and even slightly annoyed by her. If she asks you what's going on, don't admit a thing. Simply say that nothing is going on....and then ask a work related question. Do not fall for any ploys for attention. Always be unemotional to her, even if she becomes emotional. Do not "talk" to her about your situation, which is 100% YOUR situation to handle. Admit NOTHING to her, ever.

 

5. Put a big picture of your wife on your desk.

 

6. Whenever you think about the coworker, immediately replace the thought with a similar thought about wife when you first met her. Bridge the feelings to your wife.

 

7. On your business trip, don't go into her hotel room, or yours. Meet to discuss work in the lobby. Never break this rule, ever. Keep breakfast and dinner work related. No drinking wine or discussing deep, personal issues. Excuse yourself to the bathroom to break the flow of conversation if necessary. Then when you come back, cut dinner short. Don't have long phone conversations with her either.

 

8. Make sure your body language shows you aren't interested. Don't stand too close to her. Don't check her out when her back is turned. Keep your eyes away from her. Only look at her when necessary during speech. If she touches you on the arm (a trick!), you must noticeably pull away. You can even look surprised and say "Oh, did I have something on me?" Whatever, just send the message of don't touch.

 

Hope this helps. Just remember that you CAN make this go away. Take the control away from her. YOU are in charge here.

[Erik]

It seems to me the advice here is a little one-sided. I concur with the majority: you should avoid her. But it's not the only option, or you wouldn't feel so torn, so here's exploring the alternative path.

 

An affair can be the most exhilarating thing in the world and also benefit your marriage if you handle it right. Handling it right equals not getting caught, of course, so be advised that affairs are almost never handled right. A short affair may remove your fixation, maybe hers as well, everybody would be better off, families included. The problem with a short affair is, that unless she is a total disaster in bed, you'll have the best sex ever and think it is because she is special (rather than the aphrodisiac that betrayal is) and you'll keep the affair going until your W finds out.

 

If both you and your co-worker are bored in your marriages and intend to carry on, a solution could be a formal arrangement, say four dates a year. Tell your W that you are bored sexually and that you intend to do so and so, and that there is nothing she can do about it. I know this sounds strange, but most W's could be made to accept this if it would save their family, is kept 100% secret from your friends and family and (this is important) you NEVER lie to them. When women get hurt over being cheated on, it's ALWAYS the lies that hurt most. Stranger yet, it may make your wife love you more, and it definitely will make you a better lover.

 

If you don't get closure on this, you'll always wonder what it would have been like.

[Erik]

A short amendmend: Handling an affair right equals W not becoming suspicious at all, never mind being caught.

[want2believenluv]

I didn't see the pro-infidelity post coming. I guess that shows you how new I am to this whole board. I have to say I 150 percent disagree with this advice. If you open this can of worms, you can never take it back. You can never undue this and it will change your relationship with your wife and family even if she never finds out. You would have changed. Especially if you enjoy the sex and secret roundezvous - which you probably would for a time. Now is the time to take action and follow all the advice you have been given about ending things BEFORE they start.

[networkingman]

If you don't get closure on this, you'll always wonder what it would have been like.

 

This is exactly my fear. Let's say I move on and leave this behind but there will always be a part of me that would wonder what it would've been like. I see both sides to this and my statement will probably get me flamed but let's face it, I think anyone in this situation would wonder after some time.

 

I've let other "loves" (way before my W) go in the interest of a job or some situation. Perhaps there's a part of me that doesn't want to feel that "regret" again. Then again, an affair would devastate my family, W and situation. And it's not even the financial aspect of it, I've certainly lost all and started over before but I don't want to tear up the family's lives. Again, what a crazy situation to be in. Of course, again, she may be clueless and it's all me!

[nicki]

The whole idea of getting closure is an interesting one, and thinking that way will definitely lead you TO an affair.

 

If your core belief is that you need closure in the form of some contact with this woman, then you will not stop until that happens.

 

Rather, you could think of it in another way. Tell yourself that, sure, you could have the affair. It is your choice. You COULD do it. That should release some mental tension.

 

Then think about the possible outcomes. I think you are probably a romantic at heart and think this other woman may be the "one" who will fulfill you, complement you, and be a wonderful partner.

 

Wrong. I've been where you are. I can tell you that any woman will do for you in your current situation. You are vulnerable because your marriage is lacking. Any woman that you feel chemistry with will seem "the one that could get away."

 

Looking back, I see clearly that the man I almost had an affair with was not someone I would now want. I was just that needy at that time, like ripe fruit anyone could have picked.

 

So maybe if you stop looking at this woman as a possible savior and more like a signal that you are unhappy, you may be able to make better decisions.

 

Honestly, if she is someone that you are "meant" to be with, then you two will end up together, no matter what. But, make sure that it is an honorable start and that you both are "free" to be with each other.

 

Don't be like your dad. You COULD chose to do what he did, so let yourself off the hook for thinking about it....but don't do it. You don't really want to. You want be a better man than that.

 

So, either stop fixating on the coworker, turn toward your wife, or leave your wife and start something up with her then. It's that simple, really.

 

There's an interesting article somewhere that said when a woman has an affair she often has an affair with someone who is opposite from her husband in many ways. It said the "cure" is for the woman to become more like her husband so he can exhibit the opposite traits that her lover has.

 

Couples strive for balance in their relationships. Where is yours out of balance? What do you want your marriage to look like? What would a perfect relationship be like to you? How would both of you act?

[networkingman]

There's an interesting article somewhere that said when a woman has an affair she often has an affair with someone who is opposite from her husband in many ways. It said the "cure" is for the woman to become more like her husband so he can exhibit the opposite traits that her lover has.

 

Couples strive for balance in their relationships. Where is yours out of balance? What do you want your marriage to look like? What would a perfect relationship be like to you? How would both of you act?

 

That's what's different about this. From what I've heard from her, I am very similar to her husband and she has a lot of traits similar to my wife's. So, I'm not sure about this theory and how it relates here. I can't say she's "the one" because I do believe I married "the one". There are things that are lacking, maybe life causes it. I don't know.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I've let other "loves" (way before my W) go in the interest of a job or some situation. Perhaps there's a part of me that doesn't want to feel that "regret" again.

 

MAUD MULLER, on a summer's day, Raked the meadows sweet with hay. Beneath her torn hat glowed the wealth Of simple beauty and rustic health. Singing, she wrought, and her merry glee The mock-bird echoed from his tree. But, when she glanced to the far-off town, White from its hill-slope looking down, The sweet song died, and a vague unrest And a nameless longing filled her breast-- A wish, that she hardly dared to own, For something better than she had known. The Judge rode slowly down the lane, Smoothing his horse's chestnut mane. He drew his bridle in the shade Of the apple-trees, to greet the maid, And ask a draught from the spring that flowed Through the meadow across the road. She stooped where the cool spring bubbled up, And filled for him her small tin cup, And blushed as she gave it, looking down On her feet so bare, and her tattered gown. "Thanks!" said the Judge, "a sweeter draught From a fairer hand was never quaffed." He spoke of the grass and flowers and trees, Of the singing birds and the humming bees; Then talked of the haying, and wondered whether The cloud in the west would bring foul weather. And Maud forgot her briar-torn gown, And her graceful ankles bare and brown; And listened, while a pleasant surprise Looked from her long-lashed hazel eyes. At last, like one who for delay Seeks a vain excuse, he rode away, Maud Muller looked and sighed: "Ah, me! That I the Judge's bride might be! "He would dress me up in silks so fine, And praise and toast me at his wine. "My father should wear a broadcloth coat; My brother should sail a painted boat. "I'd dress my mother so grand and gay, And the baby should have a new toy each day. "And I'd feed the hungry and clothe the poor, And all should bless me who left our door." The Judge looked back as he climbed the hill, And saw Maud Muller standing still. "A form more fair, a face more sweet, Ne'er hath it been my lot to meet. "And her modest answer and graceful air Show her wise and good as she is fair. "Would she were mine, and I to-day, Like her, a harvester of hay: "No doubtful balance of rights and wrongs, Nor weary lawyers with endless tongues, "But low of cattle, and song of birds, And health, and quiet, and loving words." But he thought of his sisters, proud and cold, And his mother, vain of her rank and gold. So, closing his heart, the Judge rode on, And Maud was left in the field alone. But the lawyers smiled that afternoon, When he hummed in court an old love-tune; And the young girl mused beside the well, Till the rain on the unraked clover fell. He wedded a wife of richest dower, Who lived for fashion, as he for power. Yet oft, in his marble hearth's bright glow, He watched a picture come and go: And sweet Maud Muller's hazel eyes Looked out in their innocent surprise. Oft when the wine in his glass was red, He longed for the wayside well instead; And closed his eyes on his garnished rooms, To dream of meadows and clover-blooms. And the proud man sighed, with a secret pain, "Ah, that I were free again! "Free as when I rode that day, Where the barefoot maiden raked her hay." She wedded a man unlearned and poor, And many children played round her door. But care and sorrow, and child-birth pain, Left their traces on heart and brain. And oft, when the summer sun shone hot On the new-mown hay in the meadow lot, And she heard the little spring brook fall Over the roadside, through the wall, In the shade of the apple-tree again She saw a rider draw his rein, And, gazing down with timid grace, She felt his pleased eyes read her face. Sometimes her narrow kitchen walls Stretched away into stately halls; The weary wheel to a spinnet turned, The tallow candle an astral burned; And for him who sat by the chimney lug, Dozing and grumbling o'er pipe and mug, A manly form at her side she saw, And joy was duty and love was law. Then she took up her burden of life again, Saying only, "It might have been." Alas for maiden, alas for Judge, For rich repiner and household drudge! God pity them both! and pity us all, Who vainly the dreams of youth recall; For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: "It might have been!" Ah, well! for us all some sweet hope lies Deeply buried from human eyes; And, in the hereafter, angels may Roll the stone from its grave away!

 

 

 

This is has been one of my favorite poems since childhood. Unfortunately it wouldn't be the same had their attraction ever been realized.

 

Go ahead and make sure that you have no regrets were this woman is concerned but know for sure that you are exchanging that for a boat load of pain and heartache for people who love you, trust you, a nd depend on you. You want to gamble that - go for it - but either way you will have to deal with REGRET my friend.

[Erik]

Wantobelieveinluv, I did not recommend an affair. I just explored the possibilities. Hunter S. Thompson said something to the effect that he would never recommend drugs and violence to anyone, but that it always helped him.

 

There's another way to handle it, if you don't want to gamble your family, but it's a bit harder to manage. You could try to set aside a special category in your mind for the OW, defining her the woman of your dreams. As it is with dream-women, you can never have her, but you can think about her. That way, maybe you will not get closure, but you'll always have her with you, and always as beautiful and desirable as she is today. You'll have to cease contact with her for this to work, of course.

[nicki]

So maybe you are attracted to the same kind of woman. I've also read that many times we want the same kind of person, only slightly different in a way that is important to us.

 

For instance, I like strong, independent men. But, my ex husband was TOO willful. My boyfriend is strong and independent, but a bit more emotional and sensitive. He needs me when he is upset. A couple of degrees makes a huge difference to me. If my husband had been able to do that, I probably would have stayed with him....

 

So, if your wife is the "one," then you will see this other woman as a bump in the road, no real threat, right?

 

What does your wife no longer do that she used to do to make you feel loved?

 

I suggest reading the book "Love Languages." (author, Chapman) It might save your marriage. At least google it and see if it might help. I buy copies for wedding presents....many people have told me that years later it saved their marriage.

 

p.s. -- you are still thinking about what this other woman's perspective is. Very dangerous. Who cares what she thinks? It only matters that you are attracted to her. Keep your thoughts on yourself and your own actions.

 

I really do understand your take on things in this situation. I've been there myself. And I know that you can come out the other side of the haze and say "Whew, I almost blew it. What was I thinking?"