Coworker Situation

[geneboy73]

I have a lot of respect for you. I can kind of understand what you are going through from BOTH sides.

 

I have definitely been attracted to women that I've worked with but I've never even thought of crossing the line too much. I think it's totally natural to see someone and be attracted. My heart has "fluttered" once or twice at the possibilities, but I have always been able to focus on my wife and not the other distraction, no matter how tempting.

 

On another point of view, I am on the opposite side and I am in your wife's situation. I have had the suspicion that my wife is in YOUR situation and that she's been having thoughts of being interested in someone in her workplace that makes her feel like you do. I admit, we've been having our marital issues, BUT I think the workplace situation has NOT been helping us to resolve our stuff. She talks about the people from work a lot and talks about all the fun they have and practical jokes they play on each other and how she knows very personal info about them. Mostly GUYS in these conversations too mind you. She goes out with them (girls and guys) from time to time and I am NOT invited even though I find out some significants do tend to show up. A few weeks ago when we were on the verge of a trial separation (sad but true), she stayed out until midnite, got drunk, and came home saying that "she needed to quit her job soon and focus on the marriage". I thought RED FLAG. She denies any connections with anyone at work or that anything has ever happened, but I have a suspicion that she's been "sizing up" the competition as an escape route for many reasons (money, power, attraction, etc). Who knows. She says to trust her (and I am trying), but I think some of her thoughts might have been in the same vein as yours. The fact that she wants to focus on home and not the work environment is a big help and I think the focus on the marriage and what's important has been the key. Well, we are both working on our ****, so there's hope I believe.

 

Keep doing what you are doing and focus on your wife (and your family) and remember WHY you love your wife. You have to do your job and do it WELL, but keep the contact between you as businesslike as possible man.

 

Hang in there dude!

[whichwayisup]

I have no real updates to report (which is probably good news anyway). I've stayed away from her, and have made a conscious effort to separate myself from her emotionally. It is working. When we do talk, I keep it all business and do not get into the "how was your weekend" type of talk. That business trip I had mentioned in previous threads is back on but there is a distance now. I've concentrated on my wife and talk to her many times throughout the day. I guess what I am saying is, I am treating this as an addiction and am withdrawing myself from the "drug". This can be done, but if I didn't have that connection with my wife, I could see how cheating could happen. I wish all those in a similar situation all the best and hope they'd open their eyes to the probable destruction awaiting them.

Good for you! I'm glad to hear that you're closing yourself off to the co-worker. And I'm glad you see how easy 'something could happen' is if given the right circumstances. You're thinking now outside of the box and most of all, you're reconnecting with your wife and focussing on her!

[smartgirl]

I am so relieved Networkingman. I hope you will still read the article I provided a link to on of my previous posts. It will help you in the future with any weak moments. It will also show you you are not alone in having this happen to you.

 

To the previous poster who is concerned about his wife's activities at work. She has already mentioned it, so ask her to leave the job for the sake of the marriage. Show her how much you mean to her. She needs to hear that now. Having fun with coworkers can make you feel young and sought after and all that. It seems better than coming home and making dinner, especially if you feel that no one notices or appreciates those domestic things anyway. Women stray for different reasons which are mostly related to someone making them feel more special than their spouse. Make her feel pretty before someone else does.

[BentSpine]

Networkingman,

 

I disagree with smartgirl's article: The other woman might want to be with your exclusively forever instead of getting an ego boost. The commited man is not automatically a powerless victim to flirting from other women. If he is, there is not enough attracting him at home and he with a woman who doesn't fill his needs.

 

I think you have been tempted because you wife hasn't filled your needs lately. Now you are urged by posters here to do the 'right' thing, 'reconnecting' with your wife in hope that she will start to fill your needs in return.

 

I guess in time you will know if your wife actually fills your needs or if you simply are not enough attracted to her. Enough to abstain from basking in the attention of other women.

[smartgirl]

BS, you take a similar tone in other posts - namely, if a man strays it is because he isn't getting what he needs at home. Are you saying that if a man cheats it is his wife's fault? Sometimes people cheat because they yearn to experience something different - not necessarily better.

 

Given your other posts, I'm not surprised you disagree with the article. I wouldn't expect someone who is currently in an affair to be able to see that. But I will tell you, that article so closely portrays my Hs affair its like he wrote the thing.

 

Why would you encourage this nice man who is trying to be faithful to wonder if his wife is letting him down in some way? I have to say, you sound kind of bitter? What's up with that?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

BS,

 

His wife is known to him. She will NEVER hold the exciting possibilities of uncharted territory, nor will he for her. Attractions to members of the opposite sex are inevitable. It seems though, that people mostly choose to go along with what feels good at the moment instead of taking pride in themselves for honoring their marriage vows .. forsaking all others. This situation has nothing to do with his wife and everything to do with a feeling of euphoria that he experienced when in this woman's presence. He left his marriage unlocked when he joined her for lunches and dinners alone and had personal conversations with her. All of these things have been about him, not his wife. He did however take a step back to put things in perspective and make some wise choices.

 

I've heard WS's say the first time I cheated made it easier the next times... well, I believe that the opposite also holds true. Finding the way to honor your marriage and recognise potentially hazardous situations the first time the situation arises will make it easier should it occur again.

[smartgirl]

IWWH - you are absolutely right on. I can't even think of anything to add.

[BentSpine]

Some posts here sounds like a cheering crowd on a stay-together-longest competition.

 

 

My main concern is this:

If you have to remind yourself of the marriage vows, then you're not abstaining on an emotional level.

 

 

I'm not loyal on an emotional level if I don't become conscious of memories ,where my partner filled my emotional needs, when opportunity to get into a possibly dangerous situation arises. So I would say being loyal in one's heart (emotional), actually is going with what feels good at the moment.

 

If you are focusing on being honourable, ignoring your feelings, how do you know that you're not acting out someone else's script for what is right?

[Trialbyfire]

I would hope the sanctity of marriage before God, if you're religious, should be sufficient incentive to cleave to your spouse, especially if you still love her.

 

Temptation crosses everyone's paths. A bit of flirting, a little chemistry and eye contact. To be attracted to someone else does not mean you're instantly in love, unless you only feel through your nether regions.