Coworker Situation

[nicki]

love that poem, too!

 

Networkingman, have you seen that old Twilight Zone episode where the woman on the horse chases her younger self? As her younger self, she had to chose between two men to marry, one poor and passionate, the other rich, well-educated and Daddy's choice.

 

We see her years later, old, unhappy, broke and full of regrets. Her house is in shambles. Her father long dead.

 

So, she married the well educated guy whom she didn't feel passion for? Nope. She ran off with poor passionate one who turns out to be an abusive loser...Only she didn't know it then, and it ruined her life.

 

The woman said that her parents gave her everything but the power of being able to make good judgments and decisions. And she, as an older woman, tries to chase her younger self to warn her...but her younger self just runs away in fright, unable to listen.

 

Anyway, I bring it up to show that things don't always turn out the way we think they will. You could have a very bad ending with this other woman and deeply regret your actions.

 

And your new regret will be that you didn't pick your wife.

 

Food for thought. You need to use your good judgment here.

[networkingman]

Well today, I made my mind up to distance myself, try to find faults and concentrate on those. It actually worked! The feelings at least ebbed, and I am trying to see her as just a friend I click with. It is my hope that she will distance herself as well. You know, this forum actually helped, my thanks to everyone. Now, the next challenge will be that business trip coming up. I'll keep you guys updated like a soap opera! Take care!

[nicki]

That's GREAT! What thoughts you feed grow....glad the negative thoughts are working.

 

I've always done that to get over ex boyfriends. It always worked like a charm -- except for the boyfriend who was "too endowed." It didn't work saying "he was too big." I had to change that into a real negative. So I made a list of his bad traits and behavior, and kept repeating it over and over again...until I was really turned off by him....

 

Way to go, Networkingman. You will be fine on your trip!

[whichwayisup]

Been afew days since you've updated. Hope you're being good!

[Guest]

I've never been married but what sound to me is that your starting to fall for this girl because you feel that you have to do something for her that isn't there in her life, every man can't stand a girl not happy you will also try to make them happy by either giving your wife flowers or telling this girl that is looks great today or just being a shoulder for her. Stop what your doing it's nice that you care but your only making matters worse with being that someone that should be her husband and not you she will slowly want to react to those feelings and that can lead to a big mess. You sound like you have a happy marriage and that what you should do is get a babysitter for the kids and spice things up with the old lady take her to a hotel room and have a night like back when you guys were just first dating where everything was new and exicting your just bored right now and the other women is like a distraction to you always think of your marriage first and let her know that your sorry but that it's really not you problem and that if she's unhappy maybe she should do something about just not with you.Remember your marriage comes first have an open relationship with your wife tell her about this girl get your wife opion on it....

 

Greetings to all. I know I'm not the only one on this forum with a story like this to tell but I was hoping to get some insight or feedback. I am married with three wonderful children. My wife and I have a good marriage, sure we've had our problems but in 11 years of marriage, I have never wanted to or cheated on my wife.

 

I started a new consulting gig back in November and one of my interviewers is the subject of this thread. Sure I harmlessly thought she was attractive, nothing more and we never had to work directly together. One month ago, I was assigned a project and we were to both co manage this endeavor together. Now, even though we were working together more closely and deliberately, I still never had any feelings for her. It wasn't until we had to travel to another city together that I started having feelings for her. Since we had to share a car, be in the same hotel (no not same room), be in meetings together, dinner, breakfast, etc we spent a lot of time together.

 

I really enjoy being with her and interacting with her. She's also married but it doesn't seem like a happy marriage. She does talk about him but in passing as do I about my wife. Sometimes it seems she's interested in me too but perhaps there is this fighting within ourselves to keep anything from happening. How do I quit this girl? I really want to for the sake of my marriage. She's an exceptional woman and her husband should consider himself lucky to have her. I can't say I want her, but those feelings are just simply overwhelming at times. This is so not intentional. Help!

[networkingman]

Been afew days since you've updated. Hope you're being good!

 

Well, I have been good! I've really made a conscious effort to not pay attention to this woman, and have decided to view her only as a friend. Now that I've "taken a step back" I do see that she may have an interest in me as well. Even with this, I still keep it all professional. If we start talking about personal things, I immediately say, "Ok, let's stay focused and get back to this." I am not rude, just very business-like. Hopefully I have kicked my habit and hopefully she will too if she has the addiction too! Just today, she called, and I guess she was expecting more from me, and she was on the other side trying to come up with things to say to keep me on. I was just silent, never rude, but silent.

[networkingman]

Remember your marriage comes first have an open relationship with your wife tell her about this girl get your wife opion on it....

 

I'd love to talk to my wife about her, but she's very jealous. Look up the traits of Scorpios, my wife fits it, and is one. Not that I think astrology has all the answers, but there seems to be at least something to it.

[whichwayisup]

Well, I have been good! I've really made a conscious effort to not pay attention to this woman, and have decided to view her only as a friend. Now that I've "taken a step back" I do see that she may have an interest in me as well. Even with this, I still keep it all professional. If we start talking about personal things, I immediately say, "Ok, let's stay focused and get back to this." I am not rude, just very business-like. Hopefully I have kicked my habit and hopefully she will too if she has the addiction too! Just today, she called, and I guess she was expecting more from me, and she was on the other side trying to come up with things to say to keep me on. I was just silent, never rude, but silent.

 

That's good. The silence says ALOT - And, she's a smart lady, she will figure it out as you set up boundries...less personal and more work related conversations, eventually she won't push for more, she'll see that there's no point in engaging you in something that you're not interested in.

Keep it up! (Excuse the pun, you know what I mean! )

 

And, the more you see her as a co-worker and NOT a friend, those feelings will just go away...You're not thinking of her in a way that will get you into trouble. It will get easier - Just focus on work and your wife.

[whichwayisup]

Hmm, I take it you not posting means (hopefully!!) that the co-worker issue isn't an issue anymore???

[networkingman]

Hmm, I take it you not posting means (hopefully!!) that the co-worker issue isn't an issue anymore???

 

No, it really is not anymore. Plus, I have even better news, it looks like that business trip won't happen now. I've kept my distance and I think she's doing the same. She still wants to engage in non-business conversation, sure I indulge her (not to be rude) but I don't get deep into it anymore. I've kept on holding on to my wife and we seem to be growing closer again. Out of all the tragic tales on this forum, I am confident mine will not turn into a tragic one. As crazy as it may sound, this forum helped me off the slippery slope. Thanks for the hand everyone! Finally, a happy ending on this forum! All the best to everyone!

[shellys-trying]

If I were you, I'd look at the woman if she's interested in you in that way, like "she really has no respect for you or your wife and kids if she's even interested in you, knowing all this, she's very selfish".

Anyone, man or woman, who is attracted to the point of contemplating an A with another person and they're M, they don't care about their spouse & kids.

I've been through the whole A thing. My H did the cheating, and when he thought about it, then went out and did it, he didn't care for me or our kids.

You can't say you love your spouse and even think about or fantasize about someone else in the sack, because that's a lie you're telling yourself.

If you haven't or aren't going to cheat with this woman, good for you. But, you have to draw a line and a firm one. If you feel sympathy for this potential OW because you're being firm in your faithfullness to your W, then you don't care for your spouse and kids.

 

There can be no sympathy for the potential OP. That's the difference between having and not having an A.

Since my H's A some yrs ago, I've had looks, friendly conversation and nearly all out flirting.

I wouldn't waste my time with a man who is interested in me knowing I'm M. Right there shows me they have no respect for me and my family.

 

I can easily raise an eyebrow and shoot the guy down in flames because I LOVE my H and kids, more than how much action my nether regions can get. Period.

 

JMO.

[smartgirl]

I have been trying to get a message posted for days. I need to tell you that you don't realize how close you still are to danger. They say affairs happen one conversation at a time. It happened that way to my husband with a coworker. My husband was the most decent, honest person I had ever known. But a very attractive younger woman started coming on to him. Their year long affair and having to deal with the still working together aftermath has challenged our marriage as never before. He described the feeling as addiction. What he was doing made him sick, but he couldn't stop. I've read a lot. Brain chemicals are released that are the same as for drug addiction. You are not thinking clearly now. Stay away from this woman. She wants the ego rush of you being hot for her and willing to risk it all to have her. YOU ARE RISKING IT ALL. Please read the attached article. It is flippant in tone, but dead on. Almost everything in it happened to my husband and I guess 1000s of others. Please don't talk to her or at least about nothing personal. She WILL confess to you how attracted she is and that she wants you. WALK AWAY or your life will be changed forever - there is no going back.

http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=821784&wa=wsignin1.0

[shellys-trying]

Yep, this poster is 100% dead on!

The OP will tell you how much they want you, make you feel special, make you feel wanted. Well, your spouse does too, and your spouse is worth more than any 2 bit piece of trash who will spread her legs for you 5 minutes after you get into a room alone with her.

 

Your W is worth more than this woman. If you love your W, you'll tell the potential homewrecker to f**** off. She isn't your friend. She's your worse nightmare.

And I'm not trying to sound cliche' or glib. I'm trying to sound real.

You will regret sleeping with that skank for the rest of your life and more than likely your wife will never forgive and if she does, she'll always remember your A, when she kisses you, touches you, etc.

Why put someone thru something like that that has only respect and love for you?

If you love your wife, you'll have no problem telling this skank to shove off and find a SG.

[BentSpine]

I think the homewrecker is the person who does not fulfill his/her partner's sexual and emotional needs.

[shellys-trying]

I think the homewrecker is both the cheating spouse/SO and the POS they cheat with.

[smartgirl]

Affairs don't have to happen because a marriage has flaws. In a long marriage, we all sometimes feel that our needs are not being met. The solution is to work with your spouse to freshen things up and maybe make some changes. If the problems are so bad you want out, that is something different. Networking guy is happily married. This woman has made him feel desirable in a way a wife can't. A wife can't compete with a strange woman coming on to a man - it makes him feel so good about himself. The only hope the wife has is that the man sees the danger before it is too late. My husband didn't think going to lunch with this woman was dangerous. But conversations turn personal and you can tell the other person wants you. That is hard to resist and you think - no one will ever know and it will only be this once and it will be out of my system. My husband said it felt like he had jumped off a cliff and he was falling, sure he was going to splatter on the bottom and hurt everyone he loved. He even briefly considered whether he wanted to leave me for this woman. But he was right, once you make the jump it isn't that easy to go back. Even if Networkingman changes his mind, she might not be so agreeable to stopping. My husband tried to break it off a number of times but she wasn't willing to let go. Cause the addiction doesn't let you. The OW has stalked him for the last year since he broke it off with her confronting him about how she feels used. We will have to worry about what she might do forever. IT ISN'T WORTH IT. If you love your spouse look at your marriage and routines with fresh eyes, but don't try to add spice to your life and wind up giving control of your life to another person.

[smartgirl]

I finally went through the whole backlog of postings and noticed something that I wanted to comment on. Many posters talk about whether the marriage is lacking something. I know that can be the case, but it isn't really the exact problem. We all let our marriages go on autopilot sometimes when work, kids, other problems dominate our thoughts and energy. Most of the time we shift out of that mode without really thinking about it as a big problem - just more of a New Year's resolution kind of thing. I think that the real problem is when we are unhappy with ourselves - not the marriage. The marriage and our spouses become collateral damage.

 

Sometimes the nature of our lives cause us to begin feeling down which can ultimately lead to feelings of dissatisfaction. First with ourselves and we worry if we are still attractive to the opposite sex. Because we all feel life is over when we have lost that. Then someone strikes a spark and we feel attractive again - alive and powerful. We think it is the other person's qualities that are the cause of our attraction, but it is really the fact that this person makes us feel attractive again that is so powerful.

 

I think that is why people in Networkingman's situation, and my husband's, aren't thinking about breaking up their marriage or that this other person could be the new "one." At least not at first. They aren't thinking about anything except how good the interactions make them feel and they just don't want it to stop. Unfortunately, by the time the whole thing plays itself out all the good feelings are gone and there is nothing left but disgust - the WS for themself, the BS for the WS, the OW for the WS. Sadly, it seems that the WS often feels grief at the loss of the good feelings and transfers that onto the OW, so he still feels bad that he "hurt her" and that it didn't have a happier ending. So he is really in a bad way with nothing that makes him feel good and knowing that he is the hub of the misery. He only has relief that the lying is over along with the constant fear of getting caught. He feels grateful to his spouse that she didn't kick him out, but it is a long road back to feeling just plain love again.

 

I understand completely that it seems that regret over not having this wonderful thing will be the worst possible outcome. You think, do I really want to die knowing only one woman and not having this important experience? It just never turns out well.

 

I know our biology drives us to this and that our rational thoughts are often no match. It is just so, so sad that this has to repeat over and over. Maybe forums like this can help the Networkingmen of the world to avoid blowing their lives up. Sorry this was so long. Networkingman - I hope you will give us an update one way or another.

[shellys-trying]

Sadly, it seems that the WS often feels grief at the loss of the good feelings and transfers that onto the OW, so he still feels bad that he "hurt her" and that it didn't have a happier ending.

 

 

I know when my H came home with the news of his A, he was still up in the air about who he wanted to be with. He didn't know how I would react, like throwing his stuff in the yard, or what.

I ended up wanting him to stay. Begging him infact, which gave HIM the choice to either stay or go. My mistake. I regret that if anything in that day.

He played that card all day long. From crying and saying he didn't want to give "her" up because he'd never felt like that way before to refusing to speak to her on the phone when I called her and told her I knew and that he would tell her so.

 

I was alone that day. It was me against them. That's an awful feeling.

 

Where H hurting her, I was forced to sit and bide my time, listening to him tell me he didn't think she would call me and tell me about their A, like I knew she had done. She couldn't have someone call me either. She wasn't like that.

One of his words to describe this woman had been 'nice".

He'd even thrown in my face how much nicer she was, better in bed, even prettier. Big boost to my ego, I'll tell ya.

I mean, this man was digging himself a hole he was going to have to climb his way out of one day.

 

I'll admit, he did some really crappy things(unforgiveable to some) that day and many after.

He finally had to realize the OW wasn't a nice person. What kind of person is nice who cheats with a MP, knowing they had a family at home? Was taking them away by encouraging them to come over and skank with them? That's not nice at all.

I think H finally woke up one day and realized this, and that's when he stopped making excuses for her behavior in the A, took responsibility for his and started seeing what he'd done to his W and kids.

That was when he realized he hadn't hurt the OW at all in choosing his W and kids over her. She couldn't be hurt. She was a just another gold digging homewrecker.

 

When he had to deal with her repeatedly at work, because she wouldn't let it go, that's when he KNEW without a shadow of a doubt what she was. TROUBLE.

 

He still has some grief over what he did now and then. He has to work with the xOW's brother, so seeing him every night doesn't exactly let him off scott free.

Her brother looks alot like her. This (to my humor)now creeps H out seeing xOW's brother. Especially since the whole workplace says xOW's brother looks like Joe Dirt. So, what would Joe Dirt's sister look like? LOL

 

But, life does go on.

I guess where the Networkingman's of the world are concerned, what's that old saying, Hindsight is 20/20, or something like that. If it even applies.

We're living proof of how 99% of A's work out in the end. It'd just be nice if the potential cheaters would listen. I hope Networkingman does. That would be really nice to hear, wouldn't it?

 

Best of luck to him, tho'.

[chaos40]

I had a co-worker at my last job too.

[shellys-trying]

I've had coworkers too, at any job I've ever had. Didn't have an interest in skanking with them tho'.

[Guest]

i am a MW... and he is MM.... spend 12 hours a day at work and work closely on many projects for the past 2 years have developed into flirting and feelings... strong feelings that i can't denie and thinks i am in love with this co-worker who happend to be a top boss....

 

yes.. business trip can be dangerous... first trip with him, things almost happend.. 2nd trip.. it did happen.....he is not telling his extreme jealousy wife and i am not going to tell my H....we still want our marraige becaue divorce is too much trouble... but he said we are good friend...so we are staying friend... but I don't know what is going to happen in a long run.. but for now.. we are ok... felt a bit weired... but like he said.. happned for the best..and he does not know what it means....

 

you only live once... live it.....then don't regret....i am not regretting it as i am in love with him and i do love my H... .however, if you know... life does take on unexpected turnes and LOVE and IN LOVE are two different things....

[zellegirl]

I feel for you, I am in a similar situation but still engaged with a beautiful 22month old little girl and my crush is the new neighbour.. It suck! Please let me know what happens

[shellys-trying]

Then I'd get my priorities straight and think of my intended and my baby.

They need you more than your chrush does.

[networkingman]

I have no real updates to report (which is probably good news anyway). I've stayed away from her, and have made a conscious effort to separate myself from her emotionally. It is working. When we do talk, I keep it all business and do not get into the "how was your weekend" type of talk. That business trip I had mentioned in previous threads is back on but there is a distance now. I've concentrated on my wife and talk to her many times throughout the day. I guess what I am saying is, I am treating this as an addiction and am withdrawing myself from the "drug". This can be done, but if I didn't have that connection with my wife, I could see how cheating could happen. I wish all those in a similar situation all the best and hope they'd open their eyes to the probable destruction awaiting them.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well darn it Networking man! I'm proud of you... for thinking before acting, considering all that was at stake above your ego or you loins and for actively turning your attention toward your wife and your marriage! You and she and your children will reap the benefits!

 

In a marriage attraction to other people is as inevitable as hitting a red light on the way to work. Having the the skills to deal with it is safegarding something that is important to you and the future of your family. You have a lock on your doors at home, secutity system, passwords on all of your accounts because it is common knowledge that if you didn't an i ntruder could gain access and wreck havock. Its too bad we do not treat our marriages in the same manner. If you leave the door unlocked then it is only a matter of time...

 

Good for you, looks like your wife married a smart man!