Guest Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 My boyfriend has a close friend thats a girl. She is very attractive, and they've been friends since high school I think. Of course I am a little jealous of their friendship. He says "its not like that" with her because his best friend had a fling with her. It still makes me jealous though because I recall him saying one time that "When a guy is friends with a girl he's usually or always looking for something more" I dont remember the direct quote but that was the context of it. So that just makes me wonder. Not only that but I recall one time when we first started dating (weve only been together for a few months now) he said he was going to the bar with one of his guy friends. I found out the next day that she went also without him directly telling me(im not even positive if he went with a guy friend also-- i never questioned him) and she cut his hair for him. She was drunk so..it was a bad haircut (which is how i found out). It makes me a little jealous knwoing both him and her were drunk together alone in the bathroom. Not only that but it made me suspicius that he did not mention her going out with them in the first place. even though I trust him, I don't knwo the girl though ive seen pictures and so I'm jealous. I never made a big deal about that particular situation either because I dont want to come off jealous/controlling. However she invited him to go out with her and some other people (mostly girls I think) this weekend. I'm a little jealous as im underage and cannot get into the bars. would it be wrong for me to ask him not to go when he brings it up? I do not want to be controlling but he seems to get angry when old guy friends call me asking to party. I know he would be mad if I went out with a group of guys! So would it be wrong for him to go? or am i just being rediculous? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 I don't think you're being ridiculous, and it should be easy for your bf to understand your concerns since he would be jealous of your guy friends in the same situation. Also, if they are that close, I think it's very odd that you have never met her. So what if you can't go to bars - why haven't you all gone out to brunch on a Sunday or why hasn't he invited her to a party or something where you could meet her? It would trouble me that he keeps his relationship with her separate from you. People can be friends, but if he isn't willing to introduce the two of you, then that's suspicious to me. Talk to him about it in a non-confrontational way. Ask him not to go out with her and the girls this weekend out of respect for your feelings - don't demand it. See what he says - he might be able to reassure you. Link to post Share on other sites
Starman Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Now are you jealous cause he is good friends with a girl he's known from high school or are you jealous cause he is good friends with an "attractive" girl he's known from high school. If the girl was 300 lbs and he still did all the same things would you be as jealous? It is a dangerous spot to put yourself in to ask your bf to choose between you and his friends. Now if you two already had plans for this weekend and he cancelled on you to be with his friends that is one thing, but if you guys didn't have plans then you should relax. Perhaps his friend likes to have a guy around and not worry about him trying to put the moves on her, makes her feel safe, who knows. And do you know for sure that it's mostly girls going or are their guys too? It's not right for him to get upset about your friends asking you to a party but are you friends with these guys the same way he is friends with this girl? If you are then he has a double standard and that needs to be addressed sooner rather then later. Whenever someone in a relationship has a friend of the opposite sex it just causes drama, fights and problems. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 7, 2007 Share Posted March 7, 2007 Now are you jealous cause he is good friends with a girl he's known from high school or are you jealous cause he is good friends with an "attractive" girl he's known from high school. If the girl was 300 lbs and he still did all the same things would you be as jealous? It is a dangerous spot to put yourself in to ask your bf to choose between you and his friends. Now if you two already had plans for this weekend and he cancelled on you to be with his friends that is one thing, but if you guys didn't have plans then you should relax. Perhaps his friend likes to have a guy around and not worry about him trying to put the moves on her, makes her feel safe, who knows. And do you know for sure that it's mostly girls going or are their guys too? It's not right for him to get upset about your friends asking you to a party but are you friends with these guys the same way he is friends with this girl? If you are then he has a double standard and that needs to be addressed sooner rather then later. Whenever someone in a relationship has a friend of the opposite sex it just causes drama, fights and problems. Good luck. Thanks for the quick responses. To the 1st response, the thing is this girl just got her own apartment and my bf said now we can party over there. So obviously he plans on introducing us but the question is when! however i cant help it but the thought of him maybe crashing at her apartment this weekend after going out keeps creeping into my mind. I HIGHLY doubt he would do that to me but my mind always wanders and wonders and i dont know why --hes never done anything shady to break my trust! to the 2nd response, you're right I would not be jealous if it was not an attractive girl. But if you reread my first paragraph you might understand my concerns. Not only that but the fact that the last time he hung out with her he failed to mention her name when he said he was going out. just weird in my opinion. Not only this but we are both jobless at the moment-- so for him to let me pay for him (food and such), and then to suddenly have money to go out to buy beer for himself would just be disrespectful in my opinion. dont you think? Yes he gets a little angry when guys ask me to party, however that may be because they are house parties overnight or whatever not just going to the bar then going home. so im not sure if theres exactly a double standard there. however, when it comes to ex's there is. He still talks to his ex occasionally which yes bothers me also but id ont demand he doesnt do it. But i asked him once what he would think if I still talked to mine and he admitted he'd be "pissed". So what the heck? and yet he continues to talk to her when he knows it kind of hurts my feelings. I just feel like he chooses his friends over me a lot. For example, I was on vacation with my parents and had not seen him in 11 days. 11 days!! My flight got in late on a weekday but he said he still wanted to see me right away. however, his friends were home from college for break and he wanted to hang out with them also. That kind of sucked because I was hoping hed want to spend time with just me and him... but anyways so instead of demanding alone time with him (like most gfs would) I was unselfish and offered to drive myself out his way (1/2 hr) and hang out with all of them... i dont know. more advice please! and hopefully I can casually bring this up to him and just see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Trust your gut instincts. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Read the book "Why Men Love B*tches". Link to post Share on other sites
chilatte Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Ok. Sounds like you two are not *sparking* to me. He sounds a bit older than you and sounds like he still wants to live the single life. I wouldn't at all ask him or tell him what to do. Don't even be jealous, there are plenty more fish in the sea for you. If you are unhappy, dump him and find someone else cause it doesn't sound like the relationship is serious enough to be worth working out. The fact that he went out with her and didn't tell you says something about him. If he was 100% just friends with her, he wouldn't have any problem telling you knowing that you are already ok with him having a female friend. Anything he does with her that he wouldn't do with her in front of you is cheating. Sounds like him and his best girlffriend should be together. Where is her boyfriend? I am sure she doesn't have one. Go out with your guys, stay the night, have a good time. Don't get into too serious of a relationship so young. Enjoy the single life for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Just a little story.. 15 years into a marriage that would end up lasting 25 years (failing due to female infedility) I met a young, 25 year old beginning media female salesperson. It was her first week of sales. Before owning my own store, I was in the media business and my then wife (now ex) was still in the business. I decided to buy advertising from this gal's outlet. As it was her "first", it immediately became a Mentoring relationship as I literally had to walk her through writing the contract. I thought it was pretty funny, and brought the whole thing up at the dinner table that night, including offering that the gal was "perky and cute". Over the next two years there were many more call by her to service the account, and many lunches etc. There were even a few lunches during the summer when my teenage son joined us (working with Dad, when school was out). Each and every one was an open book, and I always brought it up. All were in the small town we all lived in (pop, 80k) nothing was ever "hidden". We even ran into my wife (now ex) a few times, and joined her, or she joined us. Being in the same general business they had already crossed paths. The sales gal eventually moved on to a larger city with more oppertunity, which was great. I thought nothing of it. My then wife had never once objected to this business friendship. When the "Divorce Fight" started 10 years later my now ex brought this "relationship" up.... which both frusterated me, as she claimed I was having an affair (ridictulous, 45, fat and balding, vs. 25 year old hottie) not to mention that I was madly in love with my then wife. My ex had written down her suspicion as fact in her "Book of Wrongs" and held onto it for a decade. I'm sure she sometimes hated me for what she imagined. It must have festered and boiled. When..... it was just as it appeared to be, a friendship. It makes me sad to know I was mistrusted... and teaches me a lesson. If the same situation came up today, I wouldn't allow myself the pleasure of a friendship with an attractive woman, knowing the possible damage it could cause in a relationship. My loss. BTW, I never cheated, or even had an "emotional affair". My love was blind. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Lakeside, That is SO sad. I agree. Having any casual friendships with the opposite sex can be harmful to a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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