long and winding road

[andrea]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. I have 3 grown children, my youngest is a senior in high school and I have been divorced from their father for 5 years. Jake is semi-retired. He's financially secure for a single man with no children. He's 51 years old and has never been married.

 

I have a good job. I own my own home and my kids are on the right track. In most ways I treasure my relationship with Jake. We have a great physical relationship. We can talk for hours. We enjoy camping and music festivals and have a great time when we're together.

 

When we first started dating I told him that my first priority was to stabilize my family. We had been through a difficult divorce and at that time I wasn't interested in marriage or in a relationship that distracted from my main goal. After we had been seeing each other for a year I began to wonder if he was a man who would be content to "date" forever. I told him that even though I wasn't ready to be married, to me that is where committed relationships lead and if it wasn't something he was able to do then we shouldn't see each other any more. After a few tense days, Jake assured me that I was the most important person in his life and that ours was the best relationship he'd ever had. Although marriage was not important to him, he couldn't imagine a future without me and he would be willing to "go the distance" for my sake when the time was right.

 

A year ago he moved 200 miles away. He had been the caretaker for a beautiful ranch that was sold to someone who didn't need a caretaker. Property and rents are very expensive in this area. His situation as a caretaker had enabled him to live well on his limited income. His brother offered him a house and a part-time job in a town over 200 miles away. As an "emergency measure" he accepted and moved. He could have moved in with me but I didn't want economics to be the reason for us to live together and he wasn't interested in living with my teen-aged children.

 

We see each other now about 2 weekends out of the month. He comes to see me once a month, and I drive up to the mountains to see him about as often. It's been hard and to make matters worse, his situation is no longer temporary. He loves living and working there. He even bought a couple of acres with hopes that we will retire there, which sounds great, but I'm only 49 and have a way to go. He would have liked for us to buy the property together, a "joint financial commitment" but I wasn't able to do so. It's taken a lot of effort for me to stabilize financially after my divorce and I want to be sure of "us" before entangling our finances. I told him that I wouldn't live with him or invest with him until we were ready to be married.

 

He started hinting around about buying me a ring shortly after that. I was thrilled. I believed that if we were engaged to be married it would make the distance easier to bear. It would symbolize a future union and we could work out the "where's" and the "when's" of the matter together. After a year nothing had changed.

 

We are both tired of the long-distance relationship. Two of my children are now away at college and I am alone most of the time, but I cannot move. My children's' father is now disabled and hasn't worked in over 2 years. I work 50 hours a week so that I can pay for their student housing. I have been at my job for a long time and it would take some time for me to work up to my present salary if I were to re-locate. Jake's work is part-time and seasonal. A couple of months ago he suggested that he could move in with my daughter and me over the winter. He would still work for his brother during the spring and summer, but he would "home base" with me. I would love having him around more, but I reminded him that "living together" had to mean, "getting engaged" as far as I was concerned. He got very upset. He accused me of "backing him into a corner" and said that he didn't HAVE to do anything.

 

We didn't contact each other for one miserable week. I realized how important he is to me. When we did finally speak, we had both "backed off". I said that I wasn't ready to end our relationship like this and he said, once again that he would have no problem marrying me when the time was right. He even said that we should go shopping for that engagement ring, to set my mind at ease.

 

It is now 2 months later and still nothing. He still "hints" about "getting engaged" and "making an honest woman out of me" but nothing has come of it. I am not sure at this point what it would all mean to me, anyway. It will be a few more years before I can move away from my job, my family. If he actually comes up with something; a ring a proposal of marriage; will that tie me to his version of "our future"? I would love to simplify my life, cut back on my hours and move to the mountains with the man I love, but I don't know if I can stand years more of this "long-distance" thing.

 

Long letter, but advice would be appreciated

[Ally Boo]

As a friend of mine says "sh*t or get off the pot!" That's what it seems like your guy needs to do. You are at a crossroad's it seems, and it's time for you two to talk this out and find out where you are going with it.

 

I personally, dont see how you ever had time for a relationship anyway. You work so hard and they are so important to you, which is an incredible quality. I'm proud of you!

[Just A Girl2]

First of all, WOW, you have a gift for writing!......it was a pleasure to read such a well written post. :-)

 

Now, onto the situation...

 

Perhaps he's not proposed yet because he's saving up for a ring? If he only works part-time/seasonal, maybe he doesn't make all that much?

 

If I were you, I think I'd be a little hurt that he's sort of put you in a tough position. You want to be with him, have a life with him, but you're very busy with work, your children, your commitments there...so you up and leaving to start a life with him isn't feasible at this time. It would have been much simpler if he'd have just stayed in the city/town you live in (where he moved FROM)...found work there.....or, instead of deciding to stay and buying land there, moving back to be closer to you. You have a lot more ties than he does.

 

I guess all you can do is sit down and try to have a talk with him.......and try to share with him, some of the concerns you've shared here........get some dialogue going.

 

One thing that concerned me a little.....was his saying that he'd have liked to buy property WITH you. I'm very glad you wouldn't have, had he suggested it. You're very right about not making that kind of financial commitment with someone you're not married to.

 

Also...a little concerned about his past suggestion of moving in with you and your daughter for the winter (his off-season)..glad you stuck to your guns, there. If you'd said "yes", do you think he would have expected that he could live there for free?

 

One thing I don't like....you've been together for a significant amount of time. You have a lot on your plate, and you're working your butt off. For all intents and purposes, he barely works...and has only a fraction of the responsibility and commitments that you do. Does he try at all, to lighten your load? If anything, I would think that he should have the utmost respect for you......as a girlfriend, but also as a mother....who's done everything right, in terms of keeping her children a priority, particularly after your divorce (putting them before you..so many don't). Can't hold it against him that he's semi-retired....but his life seems like a cake-walk compared to yours.

 

Do I detect that he'd like it if YOU relocated to be near him? I'm guessing that's the case.....

 

One comment of his I didn't care for....was him originally not wanting to live with you, because he "didn't want to live with teenage children." Does he dislike children that much? Okay, so you wouldn't have wanted him to live with you anyway....but do I detect some sort of deep-seeded resentment or dislike toward your children?

 

Could that be why he's holding out on proposing to you....he's waiting til your daughter (the child left at home) leaves the nest? If that's the case, sure, that's his prerogative......but would you really want to build a life with someone who doesn't really care about your children, and possibly sees them as a nuisance or inconvenience?

 

Think to further down the line......say you did marry one day......what if one of your children ever came to you for help..financial or otherwise......or life got tough and they needed to move back home.......do you think this would be a problem for him, and stir up some resentment??

 

Surely by now, after 3.5 yrs, he knows whether you're someone he'd want to spend the rest of his life with. He either does or he doesn't..or he's uncertain. If he's uncertain, you need to get to the root of why (your children?)....and then take that information and decide how that will impact you...and a future with him/continuing your relationship.

 

Do you happen to know why he never had children of his own? That might speak volumes about his thoughts on children in general.

 

I just think it's really unfair that you are busting your ass, and he's living the life of leisure. I could be wrong, but I'd think that a fair bit of time ago, he should have known whether he wanted to make a real future with you...and he'd want to marry you and work as a TEAM..know what I mean?

 

Just my thoughts. Look forward to your thoughts.

[andrea]

Thank you both for your thoughts on my situation. It’s funny, Ally that “s**t or get off the pot” was one of my dad’s favorite directives and yes, I have said that to Jake. That was when he accused me of “backing him into a corner.”

 

As for your thoughts, “just a girl”, I have never considered my responsibilities to have much to do with him. They are my kids and I wouldn’t expect him to help educate them. I would have liked for him to stick around and be a part of our lives. One of the things that happens after divorce is that you don’t expect everyone to get along like “one big happy family”. He is not and never will be their father. They are working on leaving me, which is the natural course of events. I wouldn’t want it any other way. In a year from now I will be alone. My youngest daughter is in some ways the most independent of my 3 children, and she will be going away. My job is to help her in any way that I am able. They all accept Jake in my life as long as he makes me happy. It makes it easierfor them to leave me if they know that I am OK.

 

The big question is how we will work out the next few years in our lives. I have not invested with him, even though he HAS asked me to, several times, because I just don’t know if he is able to give me what I need. I can support myself, financially, but I hate to think that all of these good years come down to his inability to buy me a ring, which he can well afford. But I guess that is what it has come to. I need something other than words, an action on his part to let me know that what is important to me matters to him as well.

 

As his friend, I am glad that he is happy where he is. How can I, as his friend insist on him returning to my town to “lighten my load?” As I said, I guess it just comes down to a symbol, a ring, a promise that he understands that I’m not making any moves until I know he’s in it for good.

 

If I were to decide to join him in the mountains in another year, it would change my life drastically. I see my older children now about once a month. They stop by for a visit, a meal and a bed, and then spend most of their time with their old friends who are still in the area. If I were to move to an area where they have no other ties, I would see them at best a couple of times a year. I could find a job in Jake’s town. I could rent my house out to cover the payments and we could rent something there. His studio is too small for “visiting kin” so we would need something bigger. Or I could sell my house, cash out my considerable equity and build on his property. I would be severing my ties to this area, in that case, and I need to be sure of what I am doing. It all seems to be a moot point unless and until I feel that I can trust him. We’re back to that “symbol” again.

 

It makes me feel petty. “Buy me a ring, or it’s over.” Am I just hopelessly old-fashioned?