Want to leave but not sure it's the right thing

[Gunny376]

I think we should talk to all the old couples and survey what they value in their M and how it sustained them thru all life's greatest & smallest challenges.

 

They had six or seven head of youngin's, and each time one talked of leaving the other would say ~ "THE HELL YOU ARE!" :lmao:

 

TuesMorn ~

 

Well it at least sounds as though you're taking the time to think your way through all of this, and I still think that IC would do you good in doing so.

 

And, I still maintain that MC might do you and the DH some good if.......................he was fully invested in exploring, investigating, and making heart-felt change, and you the same. You've got me convinced that your up to the challenge if you were to so decide ~ you don't have me convinced that he is? Or is even capable of doing so.

 

From the way you describe him ~ I see a lot of men in him ~ seventeen years ago. And, believe it or not people ~ even men do learn, grow, and change. And one of the ways that we do that is through pain ~ and divorce is painful.

 

I'm not fully convince that a man is really a man until he's truly has had his heart wreched out of his chest, and truly broken. That s*** HURTS!!!!!! All day hurt! You survive that s*** ~ YOU'RE A MAN!!!!!

[Gunny376]

I think my biggest thing, apart from the desire to *not* cause pain to my husband and child, is that I'm giving up on the "idea" of the marriage - what it was, what it should be.

 

Yea! For me that's one of the biggies ~ but its more than an "idea" to me ~ more like a dream that didn't reach its full promise ~ potential.

 

I wouldn't take my ex back for love nor money ~ but that one still gets to me now and again ~ even though its been seventeen years ~ just seems like such a waste, but had I not gone through it ~ I wouldn't be the guy that I am today ~ right? But, without the pain ~ there really isn't very much gain!

[Gunny376]

Oh yeah - dating? ew. Ya know, I recall having a traditional "date" maybe once in my life. I'm more the type to hang out with friends, meet new friends, get to know the person for a while, hang out doing 'friend' stuff, and just let the relationship progress slowly from there. And assuming I extricate myself from this marraige, I intend to remain single and unattached for quite some time. I really don't need any more emotional complications for a while. I've got to finish my degree, look for a better job, and take care of my child. No thanks to dating

 

IF, you've already mentally and emotionally divorced yourself from your husband and detached yourself from th marriage ~ and if you've don't have it within you to go on, ~ and if its not a question of wheather you're leaving ~ but when ~ and if there's not a third party, nor a potential third party waiting in the wing, then I would say that's the way to do it!

 

A general rule of mine ~ is I won't be entangled with someone that's less than a year out of their last LTR, preferably two.

 

For most people ~ coming out of a LTR, let alone a marriage ~ leaves you a little brain damaged for a period of time afterwards.

[MoonGirl]

They had six or seven head of youngin's, and each time one talked of leaving the other would say ~ "THE HELL YOU ARE!" :lmao:

 

[/quote]

 

 

So true Gunny! I once saw an interview of a couple who had been married 70 years! The interviewer asked them how they stayed married for so many years, and the husband replied, "We had 5 kids, and our agreement was whoever wanted to leave the marriage had to take the kids with them."

[empty906]

Hey, Tuesmorn,

 

I read through your thread and saw my whole situation with someone else's name on it. I can relate exactly where you are standing. I went through a whole week of counseling here on LS about a month ago and it really helped to clear my head, just as you are trying to do.

 

I told my W I wanted a D and she asked if I would consider staying if she would change. I said ok. That change lasted less than two weeks and she was back to her normal. Later on, I told her that she needed to leave one night and that it was over. She changed again and has stuck with it so far.

 

But I want out still. I don't love her and the people here at LS talked with me a lot about needing to make a decision about staying or going. God, it was hard to make a decision. I had an OW to contend with as well. But the OW is gone and I am still at home.

 

My W is trying as hard as she can to make me want to stay with her but nothing she does causes me to love her. I don't like the person that she is and have tried to build some sort of feelings towards her for the past month. But nothing...

 

What I can offer you from my vantage point is that it will be hard as hell whether you stay as you are or if you leave him. I made up my mind to leave and then stayed. Why?!? I have been twice to the attorney's office but let the OW talk me out of getting the papers drawn up. Why?!?

 

Like you, I can make decisions. No problems in that area. But I have a huge problem coming to a clear conclusion in this matter. I am not happy being with her but I don't leave. In my case, she would most likely gain custody of our son and move thirteen hours away to where her family lives. I would never see my son. That's why I am still here. But in your case you would try to remain in the same area as your H. So that part plays a lesser role.

 

So what would happen if you dropped the D-bomb on you H? How do you think he would react hearing you say you were ready for a D?

[Tuesmorn]

Well, I'm feeling a bit better... I decided that I have four options: 1) I can throw myself into this relationship and do everything in my power to make it work, pretending that I have feelings and hoping that they'll actually return (I don't feel very positive about that at all); 2) I can stay and just let things go just as they are now (the thought of that makes me more depressed than I am now); 3) I can go home one night and drop the bombshell that I'm leaving (I just don't feel good about that); or 4) I can initiate MC and try to communicate with him about why I'm so unhappy, and let that lead into the whole "I'm leaving" bit (this one I do feel good about). So #4 is what I'm going to do - I have an appointment for our first session tomorrow evening.

 

Now, any advice on that? I don't want to walk into the MC's office and say to him/her and my H, "I hate this relationship, and I want out" right off the bat. I want to be able to open up communication between the two of us, because even though *I* see this thing as ending, we still have the child, and we're still going to (hopefully) co-parent. Which means I'll have contact with him at the very least until our daughter is 18, and I'd much rather it be pleasant if possible.

 

Oh yeah, I did go last Friday to look at the place I found... wow. I really really like it. It's the first place I've found that I feel good about, especially raising a child in the neighborhood. And the owners aren't in a huge hurry to move out, nor are they really advertising it (sign in the window with a non-working phone #), so I don't feel like there's the "make a decision immediately or lose it" pressure. Whew.

[Crazy Eddie]

You know, there's no law that says you have to take the kid with you.

 

If it's freedom you want, you won't get much of it being a single parent. If he's wants the job and is able to handle it, let him have it.

[wife_left_me]

T, Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, it really sucks. I am at the other end of your predicament and can somewhat relate. My wife left me last week and she was feeling very close to your initial post Your post has really helped me understand where she is coming from and probably the way many other married women feel. Im not sure if I am even a good source of advice but here goes. I think most married men become complacent and can put up with a bad relationship it takes a kick in the &$%# to get something done. When my wife asked me to spend more time with her, I said ok but didn't do so. When she asked me to be go to marriage counseling I said ok but never went. When she said she wanted a divorce I said ok and never thought she would go. I blamed everything on her mood swings. I guess after awhile it is hard to keep loving someone who is now a total stranger and nothing like the person your married. She told me she was hoping I would cheat on her so it would make it easier for her to leave. Her reasoning for leaving was that she was leaving the person I have become and not the man she married, and she was right for doing so. Since she left it has really opened my eyes and we have been much more civil to each other. These posts have been very helpful in the separation process. I'm not saying you should leave but you are doing the right thing to initiate a change. Either you will divorce and hopefully remain friends for your daughter or you will reconcile and your marriage will be stronger than ever. Good luck!

[what2donow]

I am so sorry for everything you're going through.. thank goodness for this forum where you can at least type your thoughts/emotions and get it out. Just wanted to chime in that you aren't alone... several of your posts hit right on with what I'm feeling and thinking. Just this weekend, after my H made our 9 yr. old daughter cry..again.. I decided that he just isn't going to change.. he is who he is.. and that I just cannot keep on keepin' on.

 

How did the session go? Did you tell the owner's that you were interested in their property?

[Guest]

I am seeing a mirror image of my marriage in what you're writing except that I am your H. My W and I are married 20+ yrs and have two late-teenage kids. I am (WAS?) clingy and a homebody and am also kind of jealous of my W's social life. She feels trapped, doesn't know who she is, needs space, not sure if she loves me, etc., etc. I offered to move out and she accepted. I was miserable. I am back in the home now (for my own emotional and physical well-being and to protect my financial interests) but it's still a struggle. Notice that I said "WAS?" earlier? ... like an earlier poster, I got that same 2 x 4 to my head! I went to PC and with the separation, I learned so many things about ME. I learned that I am worthy, that I don't need to live through my wife, that if our marriage ended I would be fine, that if I didn't want to be alone I would be able to meet someone else because I am a good man/person,. I've built new friendships and re-established old ones. My self esteem is so much better and now I'm trying to show my W the changes - the touching, the "dates", the kind words, all of those things you despise. Is it possible your H has also "discovered" something and is truly reaching out to you???

 

My PC told me one thing that has stuck with me; when men reach mid-life, they want to "put their feet up" and enjoy what they've built. Their home, family, material things, finances, whatever. Women however, become antsy. They want to have "girl time", travel, dance, go back to school, whatever...often without H. They are more likely to look back and question what they missed. Add to this the normal mid-life issues like women and their hormones to men and their self esteem hits from hair loss and you have an explosive combo. The key to navigating through this is good-old communication BEFORE it happens. Trouble is, the BEFORE time corresponds with having a home, building careeers, caring for sick/elderly parents, raising kids and all the things/demands they bring....LIFE!....and WE LOSE TOUCH with each other. Unfortunately, marriages usually take a back seat.

 

Anyway, thanks Tuesmorn for your posts and good luck to you. If you still care at all about your H please step-back and look at all the GOOD things you had/have together because during these periods of stress and hurt, it's so easy to focus on the bad (I've tried keeping a journal until I realized I only wrote negative stuff - you know what I mean?).

 

To the other needy men out there, try reading the book The Way Of The Wild At Heart. It's very "bible-ish" (no disrespect intended - I'm not) but there are some very, very good concepts in there that helped me immensely. It really made me think.

[WonderinIfItsReal]

TuesMorn,

 

I could have written your post myself. My husband and I were married for 15 years. It was my second marriage, and his first. I stayed until my oldest son graduated high school. HUGE mistake for ME. My kids knew that I was unhappy and had been unhappy for years. They were miserable. Once I left, they saw me change back into the person that I used to be. I was back to laughing, coming home from work on time, instead of working until 8 or 9 at night just because I didnt want to be around my husband. We started doing things again together, it made the relationship between me and my kids so much better.

 

We had gotten to the point to where the only thing we had in common was our address on the mailbox. We didnt do anything together unless it was watching tv. He would come home from work, lay on the couch with the remote, or be asleep in about 20 minutes. There were many other things that I wont go into here.

 

The one thing that made me wake up and finally become decisive was the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It is not a book that definitely tells you to leave or to stay. It asks you questions that really make you think about your situation and what is best for YOU. There is also a part in that talks about looking at places to live. Just because you LOOK, doesnt mean you are actually ready to leave. When you sign the lease and move is it.

 

I too believe that it is important for kids to have a good relationship with both parents, and not to deprive them from that. However, kids are so very resilient, and I think alot of times we dont give them enough credit. I now know that kids are happier with 2 parents apart and happy, than 2 parents together and miserable.

 

I do wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

[Rosy]

Tuesday:

I find your situation to be eerily similar to my own and think you have the answer but are unwilling to take the plunge into the unknown. I am in the same boat, so I know of what I speak.

 

Tonight my 12 year old daughter left a note on my dresser that said "you deserve to be happy and should do whatever you need to", from the mouthes of babes comes true wisdom.

 

I keep thinking of the person I used to be and would like to return to being. That person was fun and fun loving. Social and interactive. The couch potato pouts and sulks whenever we're out together and I'm enjoying myself. He resents who I am. I know I deserve better. What keeps coming to mind is that life is soooo short and we don't know what is around the corner. Life is to be lived, not endured. When someone is angry at your happiness and sabotages it, it is time to leave!!

 

I wish you luck and hope to hear how you are doing since the last time you posted.

 

Rosy

[Mustang Sally]

OMG, I am right there with you Tuesmorn and others.

 

Want out, he's trying everything to get me to stay (even hanging money and our kids over my head), but I don't believe he will really "change" - nor I, for that matter.

 

Thanks for posting this - I can really relate. I wish you the best. It's going to take me awhile to figure out what to do. Scares the hell out of me, and that is very unlike me.

[Guest]

to all of those that are wishing for whatever is missing i ask you; must you leave to find it? is your marriage really broken beyond repair? did your life just get "not exciting" or is is just reality? sometimes life sucks, ya know? can't you work on you, he work on him, and each work on the marriage, instead of running away? is it worth destroying your family because it's just not fun anymore?

[Mustang Sally]

Guest -

I can only speak for myself, but the questions you raise - those are many of the questions I'm right now trying to figure out. Hence the problem.

 

For whatever reason, for me, it's just not that easy anymore to say, "Well, yeah, I really DO want this to work, so I'll just work on me, you work on you, and then we'll get together and work on us."

 

Maybe I'm making it too hard? I don't want to destroy my family. But I don't want to end up being a bitter, resentful person for the next 40-50 years, either.

 

I guess I have reached apathy with regards to continuing this marriage?

[icdedppl]

Tuesmorn--your story is an exact replica of mine, but when I told my husband I wanted out, he said he would commit suicide, I even had to call into work that day because he said if I went to work, he'd kill himself...so now here I sit, miserable and scared to leave---he's a good man and a good father, but he has become repulsive to me....he is way too dependent on me and clingy--so good luck to you---please keep us posted..