Repeating patterns

[NorCalDave]

So my ex and I have split a few times in the past few years, all due to her insecurities with our 20 year age gap. We love each other very much, and get along great. But each time we try to do the committed thing, her issues get in the way, and the insecurities come out, and she pushes me away.

The pattern is one that seems to keep repeating, and I am okay with it (when maybe I shouldn't be).

It goes like this: We go out as a couple, then we split, then we do NC, then NC turns into flirting when we see each other, then flirting turns into wanting more, then we're friends, then we're back together.

This has all happened 3 times in the past 3 years. At one point last year we did about 7 months of NC, we dated others, then we ran into each other again, the sparks flew again, and before we knew it we were back together, feeling giddy again.

Now, we are on NC, but we run into each other every week at church or the gym.

At first, we stayed away from each other. I respected her space she wanted, and as much as it hurt, I knew I'd talk to her again, so I did my best to do NC.

But, the last couple times we've ran into each other, like last night, mad flirting going on. I honestly have never been so chemically attracted to one person in my life. And she's 20 years older, 48! It doesn't make sense, it might not be healthy, but when I see her, I light up. And I see her lighting up too.

If the pattern keeps repeating, we will eventually start hanging out as friends again and who knows what happens next.

I ran into a girl at the gym who was telling me she was talking to my ex when we were together, and my ex had called me "the man of my dreams".

But, when she listens to her family and friends and she sees how she's aging, she pushes me away, saying I deserve someone younger, who can give me the option to have kids (she thinks she's too old).

I don't want anything but to be with her. I've never looked at someone and felt such a connection.

She feels it too, which makes it hard for us not to keep going back to each other.

Anyone else go through similar repeating patterns with their ex's?

At this point I don't hate her, don't feel ill feelings even though I have gone through a lot of pain not being able to be with her.

I have nothing but love for her when other people tell me I should hate her and move on and all that.

At this point are we both crazy or just meant to be together and it's taking a while to realize it?