He's cheatin, how do I bust him without telling I snooped?

[Thunder973]

Keep it tight lipped until he gets on his plane, arrives at this destination and settles into his hotel with the ex. It is very important you do this the first night he is there. Call the room and say in a very calm cold and distant tone of voice, I truly hope you enjoy your vacation, please be advised that your stuff will be out of this house/apartment within one day of your return from Mexico, there is absolutely nothing more to discuss, have a nice life! He will be bedazzled the rest of his vacation and it will be ruined, karma right ? And I know the backlash of all this will take an emotional toll on you, but be strong and just remember that there is a guy out there waiting for you who you have not met yet who will love you and appreciate you in an honest fashion. Keep your head up high.

[scrybe74]

My bf is cheating on me.

 

We've been dating for over a year, but 3 months into it, I found out he was still seeing his ex. Big huge fight, I broke up with him, and then he came back and told me he broke up with her. I took him back. Stupid me.

 

He's been a great boyfriend. Really. We spend a lot of time together, he calls often, buys me gifts and sends flowers on Valentine's Day. We laugh, we talk, we play, we have great sex.

 

Today he tells me he's going on vacation in a couple of weeks. To stay with his friends in Colorado to go skiing. This guy is not a skiier, so that made me suspicious, but I know he has a good friend out there and he does visit them and stays with his family a lot.

 

Still. I was suspicious. I'm not proud of this, but I was thinking he might use the same password for more than one account, and I had his airline frequent flyer number from a trip we took last year, so I looked up his airline on the off-chance I could get into the account, and on the off-chance he was flying with them. And dammit, if I didn't get in and find out what lying, cheating, bastard he is. He's not going skiing with his guy friend. He's going to Mexico with his ex. Both their names, right there on the reservation, heading for the sunny sands and sea of Mexico.

 

And then I figured the same trick might work with his cell phone account. Yup, it worked. Call after call to and from his ex. Or should I say his other girlfriend, definitely not the ex.

 

WTF is wrong with people that they have to lie and cheat?

 

(People, DO NOT use your pet's name as a password for all your accounts if you don't want to get caught cheating!)

 

So now I don't know what to do. Breaking up with him is a priority, of course. But I don't want to tell him how I found out about the trip. Can anyone think of way to tell him I know he's lying and cheating without revealing that I broke into his accounts?

 

And I really want to tell his other girlfirend because I'm sure she doesn't know about me. She didn't know that he had started seeing me before he broke up with her, if he ever actually broke up with her at all! But I should probably stay out of that, shouldn't I?

 

I am one of those people that are anti-snooping. Privacy is a big deal to me. But once it's done it's done. I see no issue with telling him that you snooped since the relationship is dead anyway. But if for some reason you're feeling weird about that...who says that you have to tell him? Just tell him that you know he's cheating on you. When he tries to lie or defend himself give him specific information (date, location for his vacation, etc.) and tell him it's over. Leave him to scratch his head to figure it out.

 

Next step....2 things:

 

Call his ex and fill her in (what fun!)

 

Or just don't answer his calls anymore. He'll definitely call.

 

The second will hurt him the most if that's what you want. The first will make you feel better if that's what you want but may not affect him much. It's probable that the OW knows about you and him already.

[Island Girl]

I'd cancel the hotel reservations.

 

Then show up at the airport and not talk to him except to say - "I'm not here to speak with you - you lying snake - my only reason for coming here is to warn a fellow female that she is bedding down with vermin".

 

Holy help him if he tried to make it my problem for snooping. He'd get B*TCH the likes of which he has never seen with the most hurtful embarrassing barbs he's ever heard - one right after another. I don't pull any punches so if it is going to start you can bet I'll finish it. I'd completely emasculate him.

 

THEN - no matter what happened at the airport I'd call and cancel all of his credit cards. Then, if she goes with him anyway - being the lying scum he is - she is going to have to pay for it.

 

Plus with the reservations can canceled it'll be a lot of fun for them to try to get another room. - They may have to use all of their cash as a deposit. Talk about turning into the vacation from hell.

[BlueEyedSarah]

I'd cancel the hotel reservations.

 

Then show up at the airport and not talk to him except to say - "I'm not here to speak with you - you lying snake - my only reason for coming here is to warn a fellow female that she is bedding down with vermin".

 

Holy help him if he tried to make it my problem for snooping. He'd get B*TCH the likes of which he has never seen with the most hurtful embarrassing barbs he's ever heard - one right after another. I don't pull any punches so if it is going to start you can bet I'll finish it. I'd completely emasculate him.

 

THEN - no matter what happened at the airport I'd call and cancel all of his credit cards. Then, if she goes with him anyway - being the lying scum he is - she is going to have to pay for it.

 

Plus with the reservations can canceled it'll be a lot of fun for them to try to get another room. - They may have to use all of their cash as a deposit. Talk about turning into the vacation from hell.

^ This made me laugh out loud

 

I am unsure if this is all the best thing to do with what people are saying about messing up he's plans, even though you will feel better getting your revenge he will know it was you and what will you look like to him? Someone immature and can't handle what you found out.

 

In my opinion I think the best thing to do is to tell him you do not want to be in a relationship with him any more because you know he is cheating, then just walk away from the relationship.

 

Better yet if you know he is going to be going to the ex house you could turn up at her house, catch him red handed and then tell him its over right there and then.

[Island Girl]

I'd insist on helping him pack for the trip and then take him to the airport. Does he have his own skis? If so make sure he packs them as well and walk him to the check in counter and make sure he checks his skis.

 

This is good too - I'd add this to my list. I'd insist on helping him pack and he is going to need winter clothes! And his skis (nice touch DC).

 

I wouldn't let him have a minute alone until he is off to the airport and if he thinks he can just pick up a couple pairs of shorts, etc. - Remember the canceled credit cards?

 

It will be awfully miserable indeed. <insert evil laugh here>

[Trialbyfire]

Some funny stuff in here. Don't forget the good ol' goodbye make-out session. Make it something he'll never forget.

 

Seriously though, do it before he goes away. I don't think he's worth the continued effort to keep pretending and it will only drag out the heartbreak that much longer. I do feel for you though.

[Guest]

You all had some funny ideas that are just so tempting! But I couldn't hold out any more with this on my mind so i confronted him last night.

 

I wore a sexy outfit with this clingy v-neck top he really likes that shows off my cleavage. Flawless hair and make-up. Greeted him at the door as usual with all these wonderful, long kisses. Had a glass of wine already poured for him. Some of our favorite CD's alread loaded in the CD player.

 

We spent a long time on the couch cuddling and chatting, laughing, talking, basically like nothing was wrong. Had some more wine, more kissing, more cuddling. So loving. Like Trialbyfire said, something he'd never forget. I wanted him to feel all warm and loved before I pulled the rug out from under him just like he had done to me.

 

Finally there was a moment when he was lying on top of me kissing me like I was the most precious thing in the world. I took his face in my hands, looked him right in the eye, and told him I knew he lied to me about his trip to Colorado, i knew he was going to Mexico with his ex, and there was nothing he could say to me that could ever make me forgive him.

 

Deer in headlights!!! He just froze. And didn't say anything for a long time. And then he said, "Yeah, I guess there isn't anything that can make you forgive me. I'm sorry for lying to you."

 

He did try though. His story was that they really are just friends, would be sleeping in separate beds, and he was only going with her because he really wanted to do this big golf resort vacation thing and i hate golf and she's a big golfer. He said he knew I'd never believe him. He said he never told her he was seeing me because it would have been awkward.

 

He was a very contrite little boy and I was the hell hath no fury like a woman scorned raving bitch. I totally let him have it no holds barred. And then I sent him on his way, a sad little puppy with his tail between his legs.

 

And I did tell him he'd better be checking his hotel reservations every day because I just might cancel them. And he might want to tell his friend what he's been doing before I contacted her myself. I won't cancel anything, and I don't think I want to talk to her, but he doesn't know that.

 

When he was about to walk out the door he told me he wished he could take it all back. I was like, really? Then cancel your vacation. He said he would think about it.

 

Not that I would take him back, but he doesn't know that either. I doubt he'll cancel it, but it sure would be satsifying for me if he did.

[norajane]

Good for you for standing up for yourself! I think you handled it brilliantly.

 

I suspect he will miss you very much and will regret losing you.

 

I hope you are doing ok...how are you feeling?

[Trialbyfire]

Well done. You let him know that you wouldn't beg or whine. You set down clear rules and he knows what he has to do about it if he has any aspirations of ever getting back with you. No more games.

[Island Girl]

I can completely see how it would have been difficult to keep up the charade.

 

I hope you feel great about the way you handled it.

 

It is so much better to find out that a person is a lying cheater scum-sucker than to go on and on with a mis perception.

 

OMG imagine if you had married him?!! Then you'd have to say, "this is my husband, _____ , otherwise known as Self-Centered - Apostate - Recreant-Enfant terribe - Deceitful - and don't forget - Faithless - Untrustworthy - Cheater. -- You can just refer to him with the short version SCARED FUC."

 

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[Guest]

I know it's better to find out now. But it hurts so much anyway. Why am I so heartbroken even though I know he's a jerk? I want him to hurt so bad! If losing me him just one tenth of how much this is hurting me, I might feel better. But he's got a great vacation and another woman to take the edge off, even if he were capable of any true feelings.

 

GO TO THE AIRPORT WITH LOTS OF FRIENDS AND TAKE PICTURES OF THEM RIGHT BEFORE THEY BOARD THE PLANE! THEY WILL LEAVE FOR THE TRIP AND THEY WILL BE WORRIED THE ENTIRE TRIP THINKING OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING AT HOME. YOU CAN LAUGH AT THE PIX LATER AFTER YOU GET OVER THIS HORRIBLE PERSON AND THAT EX LOSER, TOO.

 

FAIR IS FAIR BECAUSE THEY BOTH HURT YOU AND NOW YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN. THEY ARE LOW AND DIRTY PEOPLE TO PLAN THIS TRIP BEHIND YOUR BACK. NEVER TRUST EITHER OF THEM AGAIN.

 

BREAKUPS ARE PAINFUL - EVEN IF THIS GUY IS A JERK - YOU HAVE PAIN BECAUSE THERE IS A LOSS IN YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL MISS THE RELATIONSHIP, BUT NOW YOU KNOW WHAT THIS GUY IS ABOUT UNDER HIS SMILE. NEVER FORGET THAT - HE IS TWO-FACED. MAYBE A COUNSELOR OR GROUP CAN HELP TO EASE YOUR PAIN - I AM SORRY THAT THIS PERSON HURT YOU. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES RIGHT BACK AROUND.

[Guest]

Good for you for standing up for yourself! I think you handled it brilliantly.

 

I suspect he will miss you very much and will regret losing you.

 

I hope you are doing ok...how are you feeling?

 

I'm heartbroken. I have these waves of pain and waves of anger. It hurts so much to lose him like this. It hurts so much. We were so close. How could he do this? I don't know that he'll miss me or regret losing me. If he cared about losing me he wouldn't have done this. No, he gets to be happy and go on his vacation and forget all about me.

[Guest]

Well done. You let him know that you wouldn't beg or whine. You set down clear rules and he knows what he has to do about it if he has any aspirations of ever getting back with you. No more games.

 

I wish he wanted me back, but he's not even going to try. That makes me so sad. I don't believe for one minute he's going to cancel his trip. Now I'll have to think about them together on fantasy vacation and know that I didn't matter to him. Taht I was less important than him having his fun. That I didn't matter enough for him to even try to get me back.

[Guest]

GO TO THE AIRPORT WITH LOTS OF FRIENDS AND TAKE PICTURES OF THEM RIGHT BEFORE THEY BOARD THE PLANE! THEY WILL LEAVE FOR THE TRIP AND THEY WILL BE WORRIED THE ENTIRE TRIP THINKING OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING AT HOME. YOU CAN LAUGH AT THE PIX LATER AFTER YOU GET OVER THIS HORRIBLE PERSON AND THAT EX LOSER, TOO.

 

FAIR IS FAIR BECAUSE THEY BOTH HURT YOU AND NOW YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN. THEY ARE LOW AND DIRTY PEOPLE TO PLAN THIS TRIP BEHIND YOUR BACK. NEVER TRUST EITHER OF THEM AGAIN.

 

BREAKUPS ARE PAINFUL - EVEN IF THIS GUY IS A JERK - YOU HAVE PAIN BECAUSE THERE IS A LOSS IN YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL MISS THE RELATIONSHIP, BUT NOW YOU KNOW WHAT THIS GUY IS ABOUT UNDER HIS SMILE. NEVER FORGET THAT - HE IS TWO-FACED. MAYBE A COUNSELOR OR GROUP CAN HELP TO EASE YOUR PAIN - I AM SORRY THAT THIS PERSON HURT YOU. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES RIGHT BACK AROUND.

 

I don't know that she had anything to do with it. If he can lie to me like this he can lie to her. I keep trying to remember he is two-faced, and I can't trust hm and he doesn't deserve me, but so what? It's not like he wants me so I'm the only one crying here.

[norajane]

I'm heartbroken. I have these waves of pain and waves of anger. It hurts so much to lose him like this. It hurts so much. We were so close. How could he do this? I don't know that he'll miss me or regret losing me. If he cared about losing me he wouldn't have done this. No, he gets to be happy and go on his vacation and forget all about me.

 

Oh, sweets, I know you're going to be hurting for a while and I'm so sorry.

 

But you will get over this and you will see one day how much better off you are without him. And he will miss you and he will regret losing you, but he cares more about himself and getting what he wants. He is selfish and wanted both...which means, he will feel bad that he no longer has you.

 

Someone like him can never be happy...if you have to lie and sneak around to get what you want, how happy can you really be deep down?

[Trialbyfire]

I wish he wanted me back, but he's not even going to try. That makes me so sad. I don't believe for one minute he's going to cancel his trip. Now I'll have to think about them together on fantasy vacation and know that I didn't matter to him. Taht I was less important than him having his fun. That I didn't matter enough for him to even try to get me back.

He may come back, he may not.

 

I suspect you'll be heavily on his mind with the fantasy trip unless he's completely without a conscience. Do you really want someone like this back? Someone who took your love for granted? I honestly understand how you feel because it happened with my ex. Many hugs 'cause you matter far more than someone like that.

[Island Girl]

I wish he wanted me back, but he's not even going to try. That makes me so sad. I don't believe for one minute he's going to cancel his trip. Now I'll have to think about them together on fantasy vacation and know that I didn't matter to him. That I was less important than him having his fun. That I didn't matter enough for him to even try to get me back.

 

I know you want him care somehow. Right now it feels like all of the feelings and great things about the relationship were only in your head. Like you imagined them and it was all just fantasy when it was YOUR reality.

 

There were great times and great feelings. You have the capability to feel real love, compassion, and caring. They were real on your side - they were valid on your side.

 

He is just incapable of seeing past his own wants and needs to truly think of another person other than himself. He is the Great Pretender.

 

He will never know love the way you do. He will never know what it is like to truly care for another person. How freeing it is to give out of the pure joy of giving, or how warm your heart can be - how it swells inside your chest because you truly love another person.

 

He will never know true happiness because to truly be happy you have to love yourself and be content with what you have.

 

He is broken. He lacks integrity and honor. He lacks compassion for others. He is selfish.

 

You, on the other hand have learned something from this experience. - Yes that he is a complete jerk and that hurts right now. But you have also learned you have the capability to truly care that deeply for another. That you can commit. That you are honorable and that you honor yourself.

 

You will move on from this. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and the true depth of your emotion. You deserve HIM. Don't settle for less than you give.

 

There will be a time when you look back at this and you are thankful for this. Thankful for knowing and not wasting anymore of your caring on someone who is incapable of giving you that same gift.

 

Until that day comes there will be good days and bad days. Soon the good days will out weigh the bad and soon there will be no bad days due to this self-centered jerk.

 

You handled this situation elegantly. You should be proud of yourself for that.

 

Chin up. We all feel for you. --- And I truly wish there was something more I could do.

[norajane]

I know you want him care somehow. Right now it feels like all of the feelings and great things about the relationship were only in your head. Like you imagined them and it was all just fantasy when it was YOUR reality.

 

There were great times and great feelings. You have the capability to feel real love, compassion, and caring. They were real on your side - they were valid on your side.

 

He is just incapable of seeing past his own wants and needs to truly think of another person other than himself. He is the Great Pretender.

 

He will never know love the way you do. He will never know what it is like to truly care for another person. How freeing it is to give out of the pure joy of giving, or how warm your heart can be - how it swells inside your chest because you truly love another person.

 

He will never know true happiness because to truly be happy you have to love yourself and be content with what you have.

 

He is broken. He lacks integrity and honor. He lacks compassion for others. He is selfish.

 

You, on the other hand have learned something from this experience. - Yes that he is a complete jerk and that hurts right now. But you have also learned you have the capability to truly care that deeply for another. That you can commit. That you are honorable and that you honor yourself.

 

You will move on from this. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and the true depth of your emotion. You deserve HIM. Don't settle for less than you give.

 

There will be a time when you look back at this and you are thankful for this. Thankful for knowing and not wasting anymore of your caring on someone who is incapable of giving you that same gift.

 

Until that day comes there will be good days and bad days. Soon the good days will out weigh the bad and soon there will be no bad days due to this self-centered jerk.

 

You handled this situation elegantly. You should be proud of yourself for that.

 

Chin up. We all feel for you. --- And I truly wish there was something more I could do.

 

Great post, Island Girl!

[Guest]

All of you are so kind. Thanks for caring to try to help.

 

I'm still sad and am really mad right now. I've been thinking about sending her an email in the hopes she would get mad enough at him for cheating on her that she'd cancel the trip or it would at least ruin their vacation. They leave early on Thursday so if I'm going to do it I nedd to do it tonight or tomorrow. I want to take the high road and just forget them both. But I can't stand the thought of them out there togehter.

[Guest]

He may come back, he may not.

 

I suspect you'll be heavily on his mind with the fantasy trip unless he's completely without a conscience. Do you really want someone like this back? Someone who took your love for granted? I honestly understand how you feel because it happened with my ex. Many hugs 'cause you matter far more than someone like that.

 

Isn't it crazy, I do want him back. I just can't believe he's this kind of jerk when he's been so wonderful. It felt so special between us. I thought we had something worth having. How could he be like this? How can he just give me up without even trying?

 

Island Girl, you're right. I feel like it was all fake now. like it didn't mean anything at all if he can throw it away like this. Like I didn't mean anything to him. I can't understand that cause he acted like I was special and told me I was special. My mind can see he is selfish, but I am still in love with him like I was a week ago before this happened. Everything was great between us. Why this?

[norajane]

All of you are so kind. Thanks for caring to try to help.

 

I'm still sad and am really mad right now. I've been thinking about sending her an email in the hopes she would get mad enough at him for cheating on her that she'd cancel the trip or it would at least ruin their vacation. They leave early on Thursday so if I'm going to do it I nedd to do it tonight or tomorrow. I want to take the high road and just forget them both. But I can't stand the thought of them out there togehter.

 

You've taken the high road so far, and you must have done that for a reason...you strike me as being a classy, caring person. While it's tempting to try to ruin their vacation, I think you will end up feeling bad about yourself if you do that.

 

If your motives were altruistic, i.e., to inform this woman about a cheating bf so she's not the only one in the dark, you probably wouldn't hesitate. But you know that your motives are more out of spite and revenge (understandably so!), and maybe even wishing/hoping that it make him so sorry to lose you both that he'd beg to have you back.

 

You know that actually wouldn't make you happy, though. If he begs for you, you should want him to do it because he has thought about his actions and made a choice like a man, not a coward. If his other relationship ends, you want it to be because he wants you and only you, and not because she dumped him. You won't be able to trust him, nor would it be satisfying for you, if he crawled back for any other reason that he chose to step up and be a MAN.

 

As to your heartache and thinking about them together...that's a tough one. I broke up with my bf recently, and it still hurts like hell, but I've found it helpful to come up with some phrases - mantras, if you will - to try to shut off my sad thoughts.

 

When you find yourself obssessing about them together and your mind is totally getting carried away, consciously stop and repeat some phrases that work for you, such as: "He's NOT worth it! He's a selfish pig and will get what he deserves! Even my cat didn't trust him!" Just say that over and over and it will stop your thoughts in their tracks, for the moment anyway.

 

Just take it day by day.

 

Good luck to you.

[norajane]

Isn't it crazy, I do want him back. I just can't believe he's this kind of jerk when he's been so wonderful. It felt so special between us. I thought we had something worth having. How could he be like this? How can he just give me up without even trying?

 

Island Girl, you're right. I feel like it was all fake now. like it didn't mean anything at all if he can throw it away like this. Like I didn't mean anything to him. I can't understand that cause he acted like I was special and told me I was special. My mind can see he is selfish, but I am still in love with him like I was a week ago before this happened. Everything was great between us. Why this?

 

You're not crazy, and it was real, and it was special. Selfish men like your ex can compartmentalize their lives and really believe one thing has nothing to do with the other. I don't know how they do it, though I wish I did. I doubt he wanted to throw it away. He probably thought he wouldn't get caught and you'd never know...no harm done (in his mind), and he gets what he wants.

 

I don't know why he's not stepping up now and doing the right thing, but that's why you must stay away from him. He isn't capable of doing the right thing. Has he tried to contact you at all? I hope you won't consider taking him back if he contacts you when he gets back from his trip!

 

Of course you're still in love with him. Your feelings are real and it's not so easy to just shut them off. That's normal.

[Trialbyfire]

Isn't it crazy, I do want him back. I just can't believe he's this kind of jerk when he's been so wonderful. It felt so special between us. I thought we had something worth having. How could he be like this? How can he just give me up without even trying?

Oh hon, I do understand. It hurts worse than if someone had knifed you in the heart.

 

The brutal reality is that he has an emotional crutch in his continued relationship with his ex. It's honestly better that you found this out now, rather than later. Imagine how much more you would have loved him and relied upon him, five years down the road.

[norajane]

The brutal reality is that he has an emotional crutch in his continued relationship with his ex.

 

Can you elaborate on that a little?

 

A few months ago, I found out he blended girlfriends at the beginning of our relationship over two years ago (while we were long distance) and he's still "friends" with her now. He wouldn't stop being "friends" even though I laid it out for him and explained that he knows I'm normally not mean mommy and would never tell him who he couldn't be friends with...but, in this case and under the circumstances, I couldn't stand it that he was friends with her and I needed him to stop out of respect for my feelings.

 

He just wouldn't do it, and he couldn't really explain why not, and just kept saying they were just friends and had been for a long time and he wouldn't just drop her. So I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago because I couldn't take the doubt and anxiety it caused me.

 

So I'd like to understand the emotional crutch concept...

[sb129]

Guest,

It hurts like hell, even when you know deep down that they are a lying cheating scumbag and you are well rid of them... OF COURSE it still hurts sweetie.

 

All the emotions you are experiencing are normal, and you really are doing well. NoraJane is a very wise lady, and she has given you some great advice.

 

Stick around guest, everyone here will be supporting you thru this.