He's cheatin, how do I bust him without telling I snooped?

[sb129]

NJ- sorry to hear about your breakup.

 

I think some men find it really hard to let go of their exes.

For what reason I don't know.

Maybe its ego stroking, maybe its keeping ones options open, I really don't know.

[Trialbyfire]

Can you elaborate on that a little?

 

A few months ago, I found out he blended girlfriends at the beginning of our relationship over two years ago (while we were long distance) and he's still "friends" with her now. He wouldn't stop being "friends" even though I laid it out for him and explained that he knows I'm normally not mean mommy and would never tell him who he couldn't be friends with...but, in this case and under the circumstances, I couldn't stand it that he was friends with her and I needed him to stop out of respect for my feelings.

 

He just wouldn't do it, and he couldn't really explain why not, and just kept saying they were just friends and had been for a long time and he wouldn't just drop her. So I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago because I couldn't take the doubt and anxiety it caused me.

 

So I'd like to understand the emotional crutch concept...

It's something I noticed within the context of my relationship with my cheating ex. In synchronizing the timing of his relationships versus some of the distance I noticed in our relationship, the two meshed very well. If he had someone to hold onto, or at least something that could continue to support his ego, he became less likely to want to compromise, more of an unconscious "I don't need you attitude".

[norajane]

NJ- sorry to hear about your breakup.

 

I think some men find it really hard to let go of their exes.

For what reason I don't know.

Maybe its ego stroking, maybe its keeping ones options open, I really don't know.

 

Thanks, sweets. I've been wracking my brain tryng to figure it out, and all I could come up with is that he must still have feeling for her and was keeping her on the back burner in case our relationship didn't work out.

[norajane]

It's something I noticed within the context of my relationship with my cheating ex. In synchronizing the timing of his relationships versus some of the distance I noticed in our relationship, the two meshed very well. If he had someone to hold onto, or at least something that could continue to support his ego, he became less likely to want to compromise, more of an unconscious "I don't need you attitude".

 

I see. If his investments are diversified, he doesn't have to feel fully vested in either one...less chance of losing everything, and less care if he loses one or the other.

 

Yeah, my ex has issues. He's afraid of fully committing to a woman (though he wouldn't call it FEAR), for fear of losing his freedom and independence and "giving his life away". I know he had an overprotective (read: smothering, though in a very loving way) mother. We've been friends for 20 years, though. I'd expect he'd know I'm not the smothering type by now. But perhaps old habits die hard.

[sb129]

His loss NJ. BIG time.

 

You are one of the most rational wise woman I have ever (virtual or otherwise) come into contact with.

 

Your posts on LS are thoughtful, compassionate, and smart.

[Trialbyfire]

I see. If his investments are diversified, he doesn't have to feel fully vested in either one...less chance of losing everything, and less care if he loses one or the other.

 

Yeah, my ex has issues. He's afraid of fully committing to a woman (though he wouldn't call it FEAR), for fear of losing his freedom and independence and "giving his life away". I know he had an overprotective (read: smothering, though in a very loving way) mother. We've been friends for 20 years, though. I'd expect he'd know I'm not the smothering type by now. But perhaps old habits die hard.

Hugs nj. You are one awesome woman who deserves someone better. You know your mind and you know how to express it.

[norajane]

His loss NJ. BIG time.

 

You are one of the most rational wise woman I have ever (virtual or otherwise) come into contact with.

 

Your posts on LS are thoughtful, compassionate, and smart.

 

Hugs nj. You are one awesome woman who deserves someone better. You know your mind and you know how to express it.

 

I appreciate your kind words, ladies. He knows it's his loss. But he's not going to get any therapy because he doesn't want to change, so he's not going to change, and so, here we are.

 

I hope for better for myself, while he hopes for...the same.

[Salicious Crumb]

My bf is cheating on me.

 

Bust him and don't worry about him knowing you snooped. So what? He gave you reason to think he is cheating and you followed up on it.

 

People should NEVER worry about the cheater getting mad that they snooped or checked up on them...EVER.

[norajane]

Bust him and don't worry about him knowing you snooped. So what? He gave you reason to think he is cheating and you followed up on it.

 

People should NEVER worry about the cheater getting mad that they snooped or checked up on them...EVER.

 

She already did and broke up with him, SC. Now she's struggling with whether she should tell the other woman he's a two-timer and ruin their upcoming vacation together...or if she should take the high road...

[guin_girl]

She already did and broke up with him, SC. Now she's struggling with whether she should tell the other woman he's a two-timer and ruin their upcoming vacation together...or if she should take the high road...

 

Well I was the "other woman" although I didn't know about it. We had been dating 2.5 years and he had been dating her 8 years. She busted him before... because he didn't break up with me (again I had no idea this was going on, she found out and had confronted him previously)... but because he didn't break up with me, she showed up at my house to confront him in front of me...

 

I don't think he would ever have told me, and I don't know if I have ever would have figured it out. The problem was though she was a mean vindictive person and I believe she thought I knew and she harassed me for a while after that. It bothered me because she called my house phone, my cell and knew where my home was...

 

If you do decide to tell her, I would do it in a way that she doesn't feel threatened. But I have a feeling that she probably already does know...

[Guest]

You've taken the high road so far, and you must have done that for a reason...you strike me as being a classy, caring person. While it's tempting to try to ruin their vacation, I think you will end up feeling bad about yourself if you do that.

 

If your motives were altruistic, i.e., to inform this woman about a cheating bf so she's not the only one in the dark, you probably wouldn't hesitate. But you know that your motives are more out of spite and revenge (understandably so!), and maybe even wishing/hoping that it make him so sorry to lose you both that he'd beg to have you back.

 

You know that actually wouldn't make you happy, though. If he begs for you, you should want him to do it because he has thought about his actions and made a choice like a man, not a coward. If his other relationship ends, you want it to be because he wants you and only you, and not because she dumped him. You won't be able to trust him, nor would it be satisfying for you, if he crawled back for any other reason that he chose to step up and be a MAN.

 

As to your heartache and thinking about them together...that's a tough one. I broke up with my bf recently, and it still hurts like hell, but I've found it helpful to come up with some phrases - mantras, if you will - to try to shut off my sad thoughts.

 

When you find yourself obssessing about them together and your mind is totally getting carried away, consciously stop and repeat some phrases that work for you, such as: "He's NOT worth it! He's a selfish pig and will get what he deserves! Even my cat didn't trust him!" Just say that over and over and it will stop your thoughts in their tracks, for the moment anyway.

 

Just take it day by day.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Yes, it's not altruism. I want to ruin their trip. Why should he get to have a good time and forget all about the hurt he caused me? I want to get back at him. I want him to feel bad about something, even if he doesn't feel bad about losing me.

 

Thanks for the tip. I'll try some phrases and see if that snaps me out of it when I sink into my thoughts. I do have such a hard time when I start thinking about them together.

[Guest]

You're not crazy, and it was real, and it was special. Selfish men like your ex can compartmentalize their lives and really believe one thing has nothing to do with the other. I don't know how they do it, though I wish I did. I doubt he wanted to throw it away. He probably thought he wouldn't get caught and you'd never know...no harm done (in his mind), and he gets what he wants.

 

I don't know why he's not stepping up now and doing the right thing, but that's why you must stay away from him. He isn't capable of doing the right thing. Has he tried to contact you at all? I hope you won't consider taking him back if he contacts you when he gets back from his trip!

 

Of course you're still in love with him. Your feelings are real and it's not so easy to just shut them off. That's normal.

 

No, he hasn't tried to contact me. I knew he wouldn't. There's nothing he could say except he canceled his trip that would change anything. If he had canceled it, I would have heard by now.

[Guest]

Oh hon, I do understand. It hurts worse than if someone had knifed you in the heart.

 

The brutal reality is that he has an emotional crutch in his continued relationship with his ex. It's honestly better that you found this out now, rather than later. Imagine how much more you would have loved him and relied upon him, five years down the road.

 

I know. I know I'm better off knowing now. I know it would be worse if it was later.

 

I want to take his crutch away! I want him to see what it feels like to have nothing holding you up cause someone you trusted yanked it away.

[Guest]

Well I was the "other woman" although I didn't know about it. We had been dating 2.5 years and he had been dating her 8 years. She busted him before... because he didn't break up with me (again I had no idea this was going on, she found out and had confronted him previously)... but because he didn't break up with me, she showed up at my house to confront him in front of me...

 

I don't think he would ever have told me, and I don't know if I have ever would have figured it out. The problem was though she was a mean vindictive person and I believe she thought I knew and she harassed me for a while after that. It bothered me because she called my house phone, my cell and knew where my home was...

 

If you do decide to tell her, I would do it in a way that she doesn't feel threatened. But I have a feeling that she probably already does know...

 

If she hadn't been mean to you and kept calling, would you have wanted her to tell you? He wasn't going to, so would you have wanted to be told even if it was her?

[Island Girl]

Island Girl, you're right. I feel like it was all fake now. like it didn't mean anything at all if he can throw it away like this. Like I didn't mean anything to him. I can't understand that cause he acted like I was special and told me I was special. My mind can see he is selfish, but I am still in love with him like I was a week ago before this happened. Everything was great between us. Why this?

 

OK - So here's how I look at this.

 

Here you are a wonderful girl who is intelligent, caring, compassionate, genuine, expressive, thoughtful, and capable among many other great qualities I'm sure you posses but I can't tell because this forum is limited.

 

I liken you to a diamond. A multi-faceted brilliant gem.

 

So let's take the example of a diamond. A large precious stone that is unequaled in quality.

 

If somebody were to possess this diamond and not cherish it for everything that it is. If that person could not see it's beauty or acknowledge the exquisite cut, clarity, etc.

 

He would be a fool correct?

 

And if this person could not see those qualities would that make the diamond any less valuable?

 

No.

 

Is it the fault of the diamond that a fool should think it not a most valuable asset?

 

No.

 

But it would not be just in the end for this person to possess such a fantastic thing and yet not appreciate it.

 

It really belongs with someone who will see it for what it is and admire those special rare qualities always.

 

--- You belong with the person who can truly appreciate you and cherish you.

 

He could not have. One of his shortcomings is his selfishness. He sees the world and relationships from only one side. He walks through the world without really touching or seeing anything.

 

It is a difficult road to travel. There is always a sense of not really feeling what you know others feel.

The person is disconnected and caused others pain because of it.

 

His handicap does not mean what you had wasn't real. It doesn't mean that everything you felt - and feel now - was something false.

 

He couldn't really see it, feel it, or know it but it doesn't mean it wasn't real. He is a fool.

 

What I said about learning that you are one of the lucky people who CAN truly connect with someone else on an intimate level and feel to the greatest degree is absolutely true. I speak from personal experience.

 

There may be pain along the path to find that person who has the capacity to love as greatly. A person who loves with as much strength and integrity as you do.

 

And coming to terms with the fact that you were with a person who was incapable of really caring for someone else is a hard realization.

 

The pain passes. But finding that kind of love that will be reciprocal is worth it isn't it?

 

He couldn't see the diamond for all that it is. But that is no reflection of you.

 

 

This is all fresh. It will get better. I do hope you know that.

 

And until then writing can be therapeutic.

 

As the days pass the hurt will subside and the ability to love again will grow.

 

Then you can move on to someone who is worthy of the love you have to give. Someone who can love as deeply and appreciate all of your brilliance.

[Island Girl]

So I'd like to understand the emotional crutch concept...

 

I know TBF can handle this and it was addressed to her but - well - I used to do this all the time. My whole "relationship life" until about 8 years ago.

 

So if you need input from one from the other side of this - I'd be glad to help...

[Salicious Crumb]

She already did and broke up with him, SC. Now she's struggling with whether she should tell the other woman he's a two-timer and ruin their upcoming vacation together...or if she should take the high road...

 

I understand that...I was responding to the question in the title of the thread that she was wondering about ratting him out WITHOUT him knowing she snooped.

[norajane]

I know TBF can handle this and it was addressed to her but - well - I used to do this all the time. My whole "relationship life" until about 8 years ago.

 

So if you need input from one from the other side of this - I'd be glad to help...

 

I'd love to get more insights. I'm fresh out of them myself. I'll start a new thread, though.

 

 

Guest, how are you doing? Did you end up contacting his ex?

[Guest]

I'd love to get more insights. I'm fresh out of them myself. I'll start a new thread, though.

 

 

Guest, how are you doing? Did you end up contacting his ex?

 

I didn't call her. I don't go around hurting people on purpose. Hurting him would be the only reason I would call her. I don't want to be that kind of person even if he deserves it. I'm afraid karma would get me if I did something mean like that. I wanted to so bad and it was so hard not to pick up the phone.

 

He sent me an email saying he had been working tons of overtime and was very sorry he didn't have time to talk to me since that night. He said the only reason he was going on this vacation was the hours he'd be spending on the golf course. He said they were just friends.

 

So that means he went today and was too chicken to even call me to tell me he wasn't going to cancel the trip or change his plans. I'm still hurt and I'm still mad, but I get it that it's over now. There's no way I can forgive him for this.

 

I didn't send him an email back or call him or anything.

[norajane]

I didn't call her. I don't go around hurting people on purpose. Hurting him would be the only reason I would call her. I don't want to be that kind of person even if he deserves it. I'm afraid karma would get me if I did something mean like that. I wanted to so bad and it was so hard not to pick up the phone.

 

He sent me an email saying he had been working tons of overtime and was very sorry he didn't have time to talk to me since that night. He said the only reason he was going on this vacation was the hours he'd be spending on the golf course. He said they were just friends.

 

So that means he went today and was too chicken to even call me to tell me he wasn't going to cancel the trip or change his plans. I'm still hurt and I'm still mad, but I get it that it's over now. There's no way I can forgive him for this.

 

I didn't send him an email back or call him or anything.

 

If you would have felt bad afterwards and worried about karma (which, btw, I agree with you - karma is a bitch!), then you did the right thing by not calling her.

 

Your ex is an ass, plain and simple. He's going to come back from this vacation and try to worm his way back into your life. Don't let him sweet talk you into believing this was a harmless little trip with his friend. He wouldn't have had to hide it from you if that was all it was.

 

Keep posting if you need to - I know how hard this is on you and there are a lot of very supportive people here. Reread Island Girl's posts often - she's right on.