Where is my relationship going?

[Guest]

I'm married to a good man except that lately we seem to be living and moving in different directions. I'm very worried and quite concerned that these opposing directions may ultimately kill our marriage.

 

We are in our mid-thirties and have been together for 10 years, married for half of that time, and have pretty much always been supportive of our individual goals and needs. We're a strong minded duo, have strong opinions and have always nurtured a very deep bond between us. I truly love this man and am devoted to him, but I feel he may have lost respect for me, and ultimately, we may not be able to survive.

 

I left my career a few years ago in the hope to move away from a nine to five to accomodate our next step in life -- children. I wanted to begin a new stage of working from home so that when the life changing moment arrives, I would already be established with an income and freedom to work from home and raise children. (Many of our discussions about when we will work on making babies end with 'soon').

 

I went through depression and desperately sought and needed change in my professional life. It was smply a must that I make some changes and help myself, and my husband was very supportive at the time. But now I fear, he is resenting me for this and, as a result, I feel has completely lost respect for me.

 

Since leaving my full time job I have managed to bring in some income. It took some time to start bringing in some money, but I've managed to do this - and now make more money than I would have had I have stuck with my old dead-end office job.

 

I feel that we are at a crossroads in our relationship. We live in a busy city full of constant opportunities, and yet, all I want now is to move, settle down, have babies and have a home with a garden for the children to play in. I'm just not interested anymore in burrowing down and financially 'building' -- which is all he seems to be interested in.

 

But I am willing to compromise, always. Yet I feel I am not getting any compromise from him. I'm willing to give birth where we are currently living, but I cannot get any clear indication that he is 100% on the same page when it comes to an eventual move.

 

Every time the discussion comes up - he relates this all down to money. How much am I earning? How are we to uphold a lifestyle? (But let's face it, we don't have one. We barely go out. We barely travel and barely have any friends). It depresses me to write this. He seems to think that only cure for me is to find another job. He feels, even knowing how much I know make (unstable as this can be), that it isn't good enough. But he himself does not have a steady job - he works on a contract basis.

 

I desparately want change. And change between us. We have been far too involved in 'building a financial future', that we have simply forgotten how to have fun together, how to spend time together and, I feel, to respect one another.

 

I have brought up the option of marriage counselling. But each time we try to discuss this, somehow, the topic backs down. I think he feels like a complete failure if we were to go and air our dirty laudry to someone. But something has to give. I truly fear I may have to offer up an ultimatum and, I have never wished to place such a decision on anyone. Nor do I wish for his dreams of continuing to 'build' be spurned by my family-making wishes and then for him to later resent any big moves or changes in our lives together.

 

Am I wrong in sticking to my guns on the career front?

 

How do couples manage if one partner desires one thing, and the other the same - but on a different timeline?

 

What constitutes compromise if one feels resentment for having to be continually patient in waiting for the other

to get emotionally prepared and ready for some new life challenges, like preparing to eventually move, preparing a home for a family.

 

Any and all advice is appreciated.

[4whatItsWorth]

I'm surprised nobody has commented on this. First of all - I find it terribly worrying you say your husband does not respect you. Has he actually said this or is that just a "wibe" that you get? Perhaps you should ask him, because if you assume the worst it won't make you feel any healthier or happier. (I used to be with a guy who said he had no respect for me - funnily enough, I lost my respect for him.) You should NEVER accept a man who does not respect you. Respect is a big issue. If a man did not respect me - I would never stay with him.

 

The baby issue sounds like he is not in the mood to have any kids in the nearby future, but instead of telling you this he gives it a "valid" reason such as "money issues". This is another way of saying "I do not want kids now." It might as well mean he does not ever want kids - depending on how old you both are, has he said before he wanted kids or never really commented on the issue? Some men do not want children. If your hubby belongs to those kind of men - you might have to consider how important kids are in relation to your husband. What sacrifice are you willing to make?

 

But do come clean in the respect issue - a man who does not respect his wife will be no father if he does not respect a mother.

 

Hope the best for you!

[Guest]

If a man did not respect me - I would never stay with him.

 

The baby issue sounds like he is not in the mood to have any kids in the nearby future, but instead of telling you this he gives it a "valid" reason such as "money issues". This is another way of saying "I do not want kids now." It might as well mean he does not ever want kids - depending on how old you both are, has he said before he wanted kids or never really commented on the issue?

 

..a man who does not respect his wife will be no father if he does not respect a mother.

 

Hope the best for you!

 

 

Thanks so much for your comments.

 

In terms of respect for me -- he did have it, and I hope still has. It is a vibe, and it comes through in the way he behaves towards me. This whole 'loss of respect' started to take shape a few months after I left my job. I just don't think he was listening to me properly, regarding my desires to not go back to a f/t job and to make a living from home. I think he believed I would get out of the 'bad job phase' and find a new job soon after. So, he's not happy about me working from home. As I say, I'm now earning more than I would had I of stayed - sure it's not stable - it fluctuates, but it's a fact, and it's happening pretty consistently so far this year. My earning power went to hell for one year out of the two that I haven't worked f/t. But it was never non existent.

 

We're fine for about 7 months and then this huge argument will errupt and the discussion pretty much falls on the question of when am I going to look for a job and how much longer will this last for.

 

Does he want kids?

He definitely wants kids, adores them, and melts around anyone's kid - but we're not on the same page with timing. I cant get a straight answer from him -- he's just not interesting in talking about plans ahead on that level. He's very much into the 'now', and, that's that. Oh, and the money. Being financially stable is the number goal. Yet we're fine. Sure, more money would always be nice. But let's just say we won't starve, but we are not wealthy. Money comes and goes, but what about life?

I'm not going to be this age forever! And I've always wanted kids by my mid thirties. Well, here I am. And I'm truly stuck. It's a conversation that somehow always seems to end on why I haven't gotten a job - somehow a regular paycheck is going to open the door to this conversation of having children? I don't think so. I think there is more to this and it's a matter of respect. I have respected his decision to work and build a career for himself, working for himself. I would like to do the same, especially as I see the huge benefits it would bring to us once a baby would arrive on the scene.

 

Thanks again! Best wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

He definitely wants kids, adores them, and melts around anyone's kid - but we're not on the same page with timing. I cant get a straight answer from him -- he's just not interesting in talking about plans ahead on that level. He's very much into the 'now', and, that's that.

One reality of your situation is your age. Since you are mid-thirties, you are getting close to that "now or never" time to have kids. And since, as you know, these plans that involve job, location and lifestyle changes take some time to put into place, you would need to start that process now. It can also, for some couples, take some time to get pregnant.

 

I would ask him to write down on paper a timeline for having children (assuming that's what he wants). Maybe if you show him that his track will have you becoming a first-time Mom at age 50, it will build a greater sense of urgency in him. I also think that you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he may be coming to terms with a decision that you may not like. Good luck...

 

Mr. Lucky