Remorseful cheaters: do not "come clean" with your spouse.

[Trialbyfire]

This is difficult to say, but what percentage of affairs didn't have some serious warning signs beforehand? I acknowledge that sometimes, you just end up marrying someone who totally leads a double life or was very sneaky at getting away with something, only to be found out later. But don't we usually have some heads-up here that something's not right in the marriage beforehand?

If you have sufficient respect and honour, cheating is not the way to get your needs met within the sanctity of marriage. Deal with the underlying issues first or there is no marriage.

[Guest]

This is difficult to say, but what percentage of affairs didn't have some serious warning signs beforehand? I acknowledge that sometimes, you just end up marrying someone who totally leads a double life or was very sneaky at getting away with something, only to be found out later. But don't we usually have some heads-up here that something's not right in the marriage beforehand?

 

It shouldn't matter what the heads-up! Ppl don't think like that! Ppl don't look for potential reasons for their partner to have an affair during their marriage. And okay, some ppl are not as smart as you are..some ppl don't think "Okay, we don't talk much so my W might have an affair on me if I don't start talking to her!" So still, it's still the cheater's fault for not resolving problems in the first place! And besides, it seems that ppl don't realize what the "heads-up" were until after the affair!

[amerikajin]

If you have sufficient respect and honour, cheating is not the way to get your needs met within the sanctity of marriage. Deal with the underlying issues first or there is no marriage.

 

I don't disagree with this at all. But "cheating", at the end of the day, is a mistake - a big mistake, but a mistake like a lot of others in marriage.

 

I used to know this couple that made it a point to insult each other, and it seemed that the larger the audience, the bigger the spectacle. God knows I never could have stood for it, but that's how they communicated with each other. It came as absolutely no surprise to me that the guy eventually ended up cheating on her - that doesn't make what he did excusable at all. It was a terrible way to address their problems, but it seems to me a bit disingenuine on her part to get indignant about cheating when she was stomping all over his dignity in front of his peers.

[Guest]

OED- You are more accepting than I am. Are you saying that's it's okay to cheat as long as you don't know about it oh and that the cheater is "remorseful?" Are you implying that ignorance is bliss?

 

Others have mentioned that the BS believe they are morally better than the WS. I do not see how you could not. I believe my wife and I am morally more better than prostitutes, pornstars, strippers.. If my wife were to sleep around, I would think I was morally better than she was. Mistakes don't last two hours like sex does or months or years.

 

I fear for you type who waver in your opinion to tell or not to tell.

 

The reasons some have given for regretting to tell is because the spouse becomes distant and thinks less of himself and/or marriage. That's what happens when you cheat period. That's what happens during the affair.

 

No one needs to bear the burden alone. My only saviour is Jesus Christ thank you. My wife definetely isn't my knight in shining armor.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't disagree with this at all. But "cheating", at the end of the day, is a mistake - a big mistake, but a mistake like a lot of others in marriage.

 

I used to know this couple that made it a point to insult each other, and it seemed that the larger the audience, the bigger the spectacle. God knows I never could have stood for it, but that's how they communicated with each other. It came as absolutely no surprise to me that the guy eventually ended up cheating on her - that doesn't make what he did excusable at all. It was a terrible way to address their problems, but it seems to me a bit disingenuine on her part to get indignant about cheating when she was stomping all over his dignity in front of his peers.

There's your answer. They mutually stomped each other. If she consistently emotionally abused him singly, then he would have something to address. If she didn't back off, time to address it another way such as a dissolution of the relationship on grounds of abuse.

 

Cheating sparks of a passive-aggressive way to repay your spouse. It screams emotional immaturity.

[Spoonandfork22]

i jut want to say, i found out about my bf's contact/EA or what have you with his ex-lover and looking back, i wish i never had known. he has told me since that he needed closure with her and as we grew as a couple, he grew apart with her. their speaking ended in december as did his romantic feelings for her. knowing this, i wish i never would have known they were having conversations behind my back in the first place. it consumes my thoughts and has nearly destroyed our relationship. i see him completely different and nothing he has said or done has made me trust him 100%. i wonder who calls him, who he calls, what hes doing when im not there.

 

 

he didnt come clean w. anything to me, i found out through her b.c. she told me about a 4 a.m. text message but i truly wish i never would have known or asked. i believe it has ruined our love, our relationship and possibly our future. i try to take it day by day but its the hardest thing i have ever done.

 

because the conversations between them ended and b.c. there was no intention of hooking up or getting back together it was just closing a chapter in his life, i wish i would have never known.

 

 

i havent looked at him the same since.

[amerikajin]

There's your answer. They mutually stomped each other. If she consistently emotionally abused him singly, then he would have something to address. If she didn't back off, time to address it another way such as a dissolution of the relationship on grounds of abuse.

 

Cheating sparks of a passive-aggressive way to repay your spouse. It screams emotional immaturity.

 

I don't disagree with the fact that his cheating speaks of immaturity - that hasn't been my point. The point is that there are circumstances which precipitate the adultery, and more often than not, both partners are to blame for the state of affairs in a marriage. You can hold this to be true while at the same time condemning the affair, because at the end of the day, yes, the affair is wrong; it is the ultimate insult to the other partner and it elevates pre-existing negativity several-fold.

 

What prompted my response in the first place is the LS lynch mob, which puts way too much emphasis on the adulterer and the affair, and conveniently ignores the responsibility that the other person might have in the state of the marriage beforehand. I also think people too often see adultery as a last straw and an excuse to quit on a marriage when it's possible this could lead to a stronger relationship. It obviously depends on the circumstances, and that obviously varies from marriage to marriage.

[mrmaximum]

I don't disagree with this at all. But "cheating", at the end of the day, is a mistake - a big mistake, but a mistake like a lot of others in marriage.

 

Forgetting your anniversary is a mistake. Taking the wrong turn is a mistake. Putting too much flower into the mix is a mistake. CHEATING isn't a mistake, its a choice, end of story!!

[Trialbyfire]

I don't disagree with the fact that his cheating speaks of immaturity - that hasn't been my point. The point is that there are circumstances which precipitate the adultery, and more often than not, both partners are to blame for the state of affairs in a marriage. You can hold this to be true while at the same time condemning the affair, because at the end of the day, yes, the affair is wrong; it is the ultimate insult to the other partner and it elevates pre-existing negativity several-fold.

 

What prompted my response in the first place is the LS lynch mob, which puts way too much emphasis on the adulterer and the affair, and conveniently ignores the responsibility that the other person might have in the state of the marriage beforehand. I also think people too often see adultery as a last straw and an excuse to quit on a marriage when it's possible this could lead to a stronger relationship. It obviously depends on the circumstances, and that obviously varies from marriage to marriage.

Don't you think the person who was cheated on has paid the ultimate price of betrayal? No matter how much empathy you have, I highly doubt that anyone can understand how it feels when your world comes crashing down on you.

[amerikajin]

Don't you think the person who was cheated on has paid the ultimate price of betrayal? No matter how much empathy you have, I highly doubt that anyone can understand how it feels when your world comes crashing down on you.

 

I think the circumstances are going to vary from marriage to marriage. In some situations, the affair might understandably come as a complete shock - I have known of people who've cheated because they were philanderers and allowed their egos to get the better of them in a relationship. Sometimes character isn't revealed until it's too late, and I would probably have the greatest condemnation for people who fit this description. I don't know your situation except for what you've told me, so I'll take you at your word that this was what happened to you. And yes, I can understand how you might feel the way you do.

 

Again, my comments were not necessarily directed at you individually. But every time someone identifies themself as 'the OW' in one of these threads, there is almost always someone - and typically more than one - who comes out of the woodwork and castigates them as though they are the voice of God descending upon Cain. I find that in a lot of cases, the adultery is the culmination of a brewing crisis, and I'm sorry, whatever you may think of cheating, if the betrayed spouse has contributed to the deterioration of the relationship, they have to acknowledge that. It doesn't mean that the cheating is justified - far from it...I've said as much. But it's like when someone walks into a bar, starts talking shyte and then leaves with a broken nose: the guy was wrong for breaking the other guy's nose, but that doesn't mean he's blameless either. I know the analogy doesn't apply in all cases, but the point is, circumstances leading up to the affair matter. More often than not, both parties are responsible for the failure of a relationship.

[InaPanic]

I don't disagree with this at all. But "cheating", at the end of the day, is a mistake - a big mistake, but a mistake like a lot of others in marriage.

 

I used to know this couple that made it a point to insult each other, and it seemed that the larger the audience, the bigger the spectacle. God knows I never could have stood for it, but that's how they communicated with each other. It came as absolutely no surprise to me that the guy eventually ended up cheating on her - that doesn't make what he did excusable at all. It was a terrible way to address their problems, but it seems to me a bit disingenuine on her part to get indignant about cheating when she was stomping all over his dignity in front of his peers.

 

 

I agree there are signs in a lot of marriages but people look the other way or like to think it can't happen to them. a couple that i am friends with..they haven't had sex in over 2 years. Two years! From what i understand, the husband wants to but the wife will not. Refuses, has no interest anymore. Now if he ends up having an affair do i think the wife should really be shocked beyond all reason? No. There is a sign, a big one.

 

When i confessed to my husband i couldnt' believe he didnt' already know what i had done. I mean, i really truly believed he did but to this day he swears he didn't. I think he was in denial to be honest. I think he saw all the signs but didn't want to believe them. Who would want to believe that the person they love & trust is betraying them.

but i do think there are signs.

[Romeo Must Die]

Inapanic, The only person who is in denial is the WS. Most of the time the BS guts are screaming out loud about the signs, but hearts get in the way. So as a BW, I would guess that even if your BH saw the signs, he trusted you. It isn't denial. He trusted you. He wanted to believe in you because you are his wife. I think it is the WS that doesnt see the signs for whatever they are worth, until it's too late.

 

[lovelorcet]

I agree trust is not the same as denial. I also trusted my wife and looking back I could see a few VERY minor things but I never saw it coming...

[mental_traveller]

I would rather know if my wife, should I be crazy enough to get married, had cheated on me. So I recommend all cheaters fess up

 

More seriously, I think someone has a right to know if their trust has been betrayed. Imagine if a friend stole from you, then felt guilty. Should they confess or not? After all, it may well wreck your friendship. Really I think it's obvious that you should own up. So I don't see how it's fundamentally different in a marriage.

[mental_traveller]

 

"he/she has a right to know" - True, but that time is past. There is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by telling of the affair after the fact. Nothing. The only thing served is the dumping of the cheater's guilt right into the lap of the one person who will be most pained.

 

 

Wrong - the cheated spouse gains knowledge of the truth about their partner, whereas before they were being cheated and completely clueless as to how much of a sham their relationship was, and how badly they had misjudged their partner and built up a false image about them. By letting them know, you do them a favour, allowing them to make a decision based on facts rather than fraud. A cheated spouse, once told, can decide i) to stay with their wayward and untrustworthy spouse ii) to leave because they don't want to be with an adulterer. A clueless spouse does not have that choice, because they are simply unaware. The cheater is making the choice for them, a choice that the cheated party may well not agree with, if they only knew the truth.

[mental_traveller]

Ummmm, I know I'm new and you don't know much about me, but I think you should know that the reason I am here is because my wife cheated on ME. I have never and would never look for intimacy outside my marriage. I've made it 12 years so far and I plan to continue my pattern of faithfulness until I die.

 

I won't lie, when I found out about my wifes affair, I wanted details. Who was he? how long did it last? when did it start?

 

My reasons for wanting to know had to be out of some sadistic need to let the pain in because she answered all of my questions, and every answer came like a knife to my heart. WHY DID I NEED TO KNOW?? She was crying as she told me, as was I. Did this knowledge help reconcile with my wife? Hell, no.

 

It gave hurt, hurt, and more hurt. But the affair was over. She was getting it off her chest - so I could decide what to do now. EXCUSE ME? You keep it on your own damn chest. She could have come at me with "we need to separate" and that would have snapped me into action along with her to start fixing or marriage, but without anguish of the knowledge that she dumped on me.

 

Oh well, regardless, I do see where your coming from, and I can understand the logic behind your opinion. I just don't happen to agree.

 

So you are generalising your own person preference (to be kept in the dark) onto everyone, even those who stress that they would definitely want to know and be told if they were cheated on. Why should your personal wishes be imposed on those who don't share them?

 

Any relationship I'm in, if it got serious I'd make clear that I would demand to be told if the other person cheated. In that case, there's no excuse for holding back. My feelings won't be hurt, I will just be glad I didn't waste a day more than necessary in dumping this person and moving on.

[mental_traveller]

I haven't read but the first of 3 pages on this thread but feel like i have to chime in my opinion since that is what the orginal poster did ask for.

 

As any of the regulars here from the past summer will already know i did cheat on my husband & i had a huge long thread going on the subject of do i tell or don't i. I know i am going to let down a lot of people here that i don't want to let down but....i have regretted (of course the affair but also..) telling him nearly every day since i did it. Now, let me say, i can understand completely the theory of 'he has a right to know'. Yes, a part of me absolutely did feel like he had a right to know & that did sway me in my decision. But the original poster hit the nail on the big fat head when he stated it was an unburdening of the guilt being carried. I was being eaten alive by it. Telling him did him no good, it only cleared my head & mind but also opened up a whole new can of worms. Ok, ok, i know someone is bound to say 'no your affair did him no good & that opened up a whole new can of worms' & before you say it i know this & agree & it's understood but the subject is not whether one should have an affair or not, the answer to that is obvious. The subject is of telling. I can tell you this. Since enlightening my husband he has had a very hard time. He blames himself no matter how much i say it was ME not him. He feels less of a man because he feels it was due to something lacking sexually even tho i also try to tell him i don't think sex had anything to do with it, it was the attention. He feels like he's 1/2 the man he used to. He now feels empty inside & like he's dying (those are direct quotes from him just as of this past week & I told him back in August). Do i wish i could have kept this dirty secret inside & away from him? yes! without a doubt or second thought YES YES YES! Do i think it was physically or mentally possible for me to have done that......well, i can't honestly say. Maybe if i'd held out another week i would have started to improve but honestly it was getting worse & worse for me & i dont' think we would have survived if i hadn't told him. Surviving now is in question as well too tho.

Sorry this is long & sorry if it's rambling but as someone who has lived this i had to express what i feel.

 

You are missing the point I think. It is not about whether you are better or worse off as a result of telling. It's whether your husband is. Your feelings are irrelevant here - you did the wrong, you ought to rectify it.

 

When a criminal hands himself in, it's viewed as the right thing to do, even though it makes the criminal generally worse off. The reason is that the victim benefits.

[mrmaximum]

You are missing the point I think. It is not about whether you are better or worse off as a result of telling. It's whether your husband is. Your feelings are irrelevant here - you did the wrong, you ought to rectify it.

 

When a criminal hands himself in, it's viewed as the right thing to do, even though it makes the criminal generally worse off. The reason is that the victim benefits.

 

Great post!!

[michelangelo]

InaPanic

 

You did the right thing in telling your H you cheated.

 

Yes, he is angry, bewildered, depressed, disappointed, and even pointing inward about it.

 

But ultimately, he will survive this and be stronger for having the truth of his marriage to you.

 

Whether or not your marriage survives, it was right to tell him.

 

So now what are you doing to fight for your marriage? Are you two in counseling?

[Oper Edei Deixai]

So you are generalising your own person preference (to be kept in the dark) onto everyone, even those who stress that they would definitely want to know and be told if they were cheated on. Why should your personal wishes be imposed on those who don't share them?

 

Any relationship I'm in, if it got serious I'd make clear that I would demand to be told if the other person cheated. In that case, there's no excuse for holding back. My feelings won't be hurt, I will just be glad I didn't waste a day more than necessary in dumping this person and moving on.

 

I think it's only fair to point out that nearly everyone in this thread is generalizing their own personal preference. Those who would want to know in any circumstance and demand a full accounting are imposing their personal wishes onto others. To be clear, all I really wanted to do with this thread was to phrase an alternative point of view, and to state why. I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with me or to adopt my philosophy. I was hoping that people who hold a different point of view would say "I see where your coming from, and I see why you think that but I totally disagree."

 

I think it's also fair to point out that I am just an anonymous doofus on an internet message board and am therefore incapable of forcing anyone to behave in a certain way. I do see where the "other side" is coming from, and much of what they say makes sense, and much of what they say makes no sense [to me]. The best of us will listen to all that is said, weigh it against what we believe and make our own value judgments for our own situations. The worst will blather on blindly defending their position regardless of what insights others provide, hoping that by sheer post volume alone the rest of us will come around. Quite the opposite is true.

 

For any of us to presume that everyone else should adopt our ideology is colossally foolish.

 

The Greek philosopher Epictetus said:

"It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows."

[michelangelo]

This thread has been provocative.

 

You asked for people's thoughts and whether we agree or disagree.

 

The two positions are pretty diametrically opposed.

 

Did you notice that most of the people disagreeing with your stance to keep it secret are people who've been cheated upon?

 

I think that is a pretty significant piece of information.

[Trialbyfire]

Ick...and so it goes... Truly OED, you are so bloody condescending.

 

The fact is, everyone has an opinion and whatever and however they agree or disagree, has nothing to do with the "best of us" or the "worst of us". These discussions are awesome because they illustrate all sides to this. It is a topic that's painful to many who have posted in this thread. I'm honestly starting to wonder if you were ever cheated on because your attitude tends to come across solely from a cheaters perspective, one who is attempting to justify his indefensible actions.

[serial muse]

Did you notice that most of the people disagreeing with your stance to keep it secret are people who've been cheated upon?

 

I think that is a pretty significant piece of information.

 

 

I do too.

 

Although the OP did say he himself was cheated on, so he's an outlier there.

 

But you know, it's pretty rare to see a BS say they wish they had never been told. I've certainly never seen a BS say that, who had to actually figure it out by him/herself, or was told by a third party. So I admit, I'm not sure that the OP's statement isn't just about letting off more steam at his wife; whether or not she told him the truth she was probably going to be on his bad side at that point. (Not that I disagree with that. )

 

But I wonder if he'd feel the same way if he had had to suss out the truth himself, without the added annoyance of his wife confessing in order to "get it off her chest," which makes it all about her and her needs, and can feel like adding insult to injury.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

Ick...and so it goes... Truly OED, you are so bloody condescending.

 

The fact is, everyone has an opinion and whatever and however they agree or disagree, has nothing to do with the "best of us" or the "worst of us". These discussions are awesome because they illustrate all sides to this. It is a topic that's painful to many who have posted in this thread. I'm honestly starting to wonder if you were ever cheated on because your attitude tends to come across solely from a cheaters perspective, one who is attempting to justify his indefensible actions.

 

The fact is you think I'm condescending because I don't agree with you. The problem is you can't manage to simply say that you disagree with me and stop there, you need to degrade me as well. Fair is fair, I guess. I blew up really early on at you and upon realizing my hasty judgment and lopsided retribution I apologized, which went unacknowledged and unaccepted. I'll just have to deal with that.

 

Why is it, though that you can't make your point without denigrating the counter-point? Here you go so far as to say that you doubt my sincerity and whether or not my wife was actually unfaithful. Classy.

 

I'm not going to re-hash my position, but suffice to say that it obviously differs from your own, I was cheated on, and I did handle my situation differently. Here's how mine turned out: my wife cheated on me 7 years ago, she told me, we separated, we got counseling (lots), we un-separated, we worked really hard - both of us, we reconciled, we had two more children since then (total of 4 now) and have now been married 12 -1/2 years. The reason I am here now is that a distance is growing between us again and I'm terrified that my wife will "fall off the wagon". I'm pretty certain that the reason is that I've been in a massive growth phase in my business and have had to spend a lot of time away from home. The financial prosperity that I've been working hard to create has not created less stress like I've always imagined it would. I may need to take a step back and turn things a little more over to my general manager in order to spend more time at home.

 

I love my wife dearly and don't want to imagine a life without her. Whatever her imperfections, I'm willing to deal with them with her, and she's willing to deal with mine. My position comes from my heart and whatever insults you hurl at me won't change that. What can change is seeing how if my situation was different, I might wish a different handling of it.

 

Personally, I've learned a lot from this thread and I hope others have as well.

[Ripples]

Well, I've certainly learnt a lot, in more ways than one, OED

 

I hadn't considered the flip side of not telling being detrimental to the WS (and consequently the marriage) in forcing them to live with their lie and thus never forgive themselves. I hadn't really considered the position of the BS in not being allowed to make an informed decision regarding their relationship. I also hadn't considered that by telling it could allow the couple to move on and create something better - probably because it didn't enable me to do that.

 

Something strikes me, yet again, about relationships; they are all as individual and diverse as the people in them, and although that's a really obvious thing to say, I feel it needs pointing out again and again when I read so many inflexible thoughts on what is the moral, the right thing to do. There is no 'one size fits all' and consequently what will be healthy for one couple will be the toll of death for another.

 

However, for me personally, I stick by what I said originally - I would give anything to go back a year and never find out about my exBF's affairs, even if it would mean never achieving more happiness. I could live with it.

 

I guess that's how I feel right now, but, like everything and everyone I'm sure it'll change given time.