Remorseful cheaters: do not "come clean" with your spouse.

[Rhyla]

I'd not recommend infidelity to anyone, but going honest about it is extremely stressful to any marriage, may even end it.

 

Did you ever consider that that may be the better option? Not all marriages are healthy, and some are better off being ended. And that is a decision that BOTH spouses have the right to make, fully informed.

[Guest]

i agree. Do NOT tell.

 

'suffer' in silence!!!!

 

Person who had affair/sex started it and shouldn't burden partner with it.

 

Sort things out!

 

And spend your energy on/with your partner!

[Salicious Crumb]

i agree. Do NOT tell.

 

'suffer' in silence!!!!

 

Person who had affair/sex started it and shouldn't burden partner with it.

 

Sort things out!

 

And spend your energy on/with your partner!

 

Bad advice. As someone who is married to a woman who cheated during our engagement and never told me....I found out years later and now have two kids. The lie has thrown not only our lives in turmoil, but now two kids lives hang in the balance.

 

I resent the hell out of my wife for never giving me the choice of whether or not marry her....because if I had known she cheated...I would have called off the wedding.

 

Her decision to hide if from me was completely selfish on her part because she didn't want to lose me....well she should have thought about that before she cheated.

 

And now because she kept it from me..our family may be torn apart because of it.

 

Bottom line....the betrayed deserve to know so they have the choice of whether or not to stay in the relationship before it is too late.

If you keep it from the person you betrayed, you are only doing it for your own lousy selfish motives.

[dropdeadlegs]

SC, is it too personal to ask how you found out about this betrayal so belatedly?

 

Your opinion and story are pertinent to this particular thread, IMO.

[Erik]

Did you ever consider that that may be the better option? Not all marriages are healthy, and some are better off being ended. And that is a decision that BOTH spouses have the right to make, fully informed.

 

Yes. I'm really gainsaying myself, as I prefer honesty, but honesty only works if you are completely ruthless, not all girls can handle that. Not all men, either. Being honest with your spouse is against human nature.

 

Just trying to provoke, I guess. Sorry. My point would be, that any affair can ruin a marriage, and if (big if) you can keep it hidden, you are running no risk.

[Erik]

Being completely ruthless would be something like "Yes I had an affair, and it was great." Because most affairs are great, and all the pissing and moaning is dishonest.

[Salicious Crumb]

SC, is it too personal to ask how you found out about this betrayal so belatedly?

 

Your opinion and story are pertinent to this particular thread, IMO.

 

No...no problem at all. Thats one of the reasons I frequent these forums...so that I may be able to help someone else avoid what happened to me.

 

In my case an ex-friend of hers that hasn't been in town for ages came back and I saw them at the local store...we talked and she told me...she assumed that I knew and asked how things were going, but when she realized I had no idea and she just let the cat out of the bag, she didn't care because my wife and her didn't split the friendship on good terms.

 

Seems that alot of people knew about it, but never told me because they didn't want to be the cause of a wedding being canceled.

 

I always had a suspicion, but since I trusted my wife, and then fiancee, I didn't think too much about it.

 

Anyone who cheats on their SO before marriage and ends up marrying that person only refrains from coming clean for their own selfish reasons.

 

And if you think nobody will ever find out....think again. The devestation that you will cause by not telling will be far greater after marriage and kids.

[silentcharon]

Hi, I've been following this thread for a while now. I'm sorry if this doesn't have anything to do with the original question. I have a question pertaining what LJ said....

 

Not everyone is deserving of a second chance. But the ones who are, can make us glad we gave that chance to them. The genuinely remorseful cheater is looking for ways to fix the mess he's made, as well as to address the lack of coping skills that opened him up to cheating to begin with. His burden is heavy if he has to carry it alone.

 

How does one decide if the cheater is truly 'remorseful'? How does one decide if the cheater deserves a second chance? What LJ said in her post made much sense. I am aware that the cheater is bound to make mistakes on the road to recovery, however, my question is also this: just about how many 'mistakes' does the BS have to put up with/allow the cheater to make until the cheater's ..well, not a cheater anymore?

[Erik]

Hi, I've been following this thread for a while now. I'm sorry if this doesn't have anything to do with the original question. I have a question pertaining what LJ said....

 

 

 

How does one decide if the cheater is truly 'remorseful'? How does one decide if the cheater deserves a second chance? What LJ said in her post made much sense. I am aware that the cheater is bound to make mistakes on the road to recovery, however, my question is also this: just about how many 'mistakes' does the BS have to put up with/allow the cheater to make until the cheater's ..well, not a cheater anymore?

 

Depends. I had a wife that cheated on me, I accepted that, because that was in her nature. I've had two other SO's where I'd not have accepted it once, because I'd have felt they did it to hurt me.

[Salicious Crumb]

Well, OED you've stepped into the middle of a hornet's nest. Fun, isn't it?

 

Your pragmatic approach doesn't have traction here.

 

It is not a pragmatic/practical approach whatsoever. I am living in the situation this very topic covers, and I know that nothing good came of my wife not telling me what she did before we got married. She selfishly did not want to cancel the wedding and now I resent the hell out of her for it for bringing my children into this mess when it all could have been avoided if she had the "tits" to tell me up front. I have practical and real life experience pertaining to this topic and believe me, it was NOT better for her to keep it from me especially since I found out when it was too late for me to make a choice. Now the only choices I have is live with resentment towards her, or destroy my kids hopes and dreams.

 

Absolutes scare me--especially when imposed on the multifariousness of life where shades of gray exist. Because I'm a human being first, I prefer to live by a utilitarian , not a Moral, calculus.

 

You don't live pragmatically it seems either. It has nothing to do with morality...it has everything to do with avoiding hurting more people than just the one the cheater betrayed in the long run by not coming clean.

[Salicious Crumb]

Exactly as my friends husband feels now. You can read the post here but basically it was an emotional affair that ended with a kiss.

 

It was over. Really was over. No hope of being rekindled - my friend was completely back "in" her marriage 100%.

 

They started on the road to improvement and her guilt got worse and worse because their relationship was so much improved than it had been when she did what she did.

 

So she told him. And it is 3 years later now. He still carries it around the same as if it was the first day he learned of it. It rears it's ugly head when things are going well - because he feels like something else must be going on for it to be good. And it comes up when it is bad - he throws it up into her face when they fight and makes sarcastic comments constantly.

 

They are worse now than they ever have been. Even with counseling.

 

She wishes she would have just kept her mouth shut and worked on their problems as they had started to do. Without adding any of the "other can of worms". She says she'd have just carried the guilt of her mistake instead of trying to clear her conscience.

 

It's sad.

 

I'll tell you what is even worse....my wife cheated on me when we were engaged and didn't say a word...she knows I would have gotten my engagement ring back and called of the wedding.

 

But now that we are married and have two kids, I find out from someone else that she cheated. This could have all been avoided if she had the "tits" to tell me what she did. Now I may have to destroy the lives of my children and break their little hearts if I decide to divorce. The other option is to bottle up my resentment and pretend like mom & dad are happy.

 

Either way, my wife destroyed a family she hadn't even had yet because she was too selfish as to keep this secret from me so she could still marry me.

 

She didn't give me the choice and I resent her for it now.

[Salicious Crumb]

People live lies all the time.

 

Well gee..I guess that makes it all better now doesn't it.

 

Lets all just lie and cheat and feel better about keeping it a secret....*rolling eyes*

[Salicious Crumb]

This is kind of the point I was trying to make earlier. I'm of the opinion that it's actually the "remorseful cheater" who is the MOST in need of forgiveness and acceptance.

 

Acceptance? Acceptance of what?

 

 

They're no longer on equal footing with their partner.

 

I won't argue there.

 

Not everyone is deserving of a second chance. But the ones who are, can make us glad we gave that chance to them. The genuinely remorseful cheater is looking for ways to fix the mess he's made, as well as to address the lack of coping skills that opened him up to cheating to begin with. His burden is heavy if he has to carry it alone.

 

What happened to "his/her"...."s/he"??

[Salicious Crumb]

Being accused of being selfish for not divorcing is absurd as is the notion that he/she can just apply more elbowgrease to the marriage and somehow it'll work.

 

The notion that a cheater not getting a divorce before cheating is absurd...but a cheater not coming clean BEFORE getting married is NOT absurd. Coming clean before getting married is the least a cheater can do...that way if the betrayed decides to give the cheater a 2nd chance, then they won't be standing at the alter murmuring their vows with a lie behind them.

 

It is most importantly the least the cheater can do before marriage to give the betrayed a choice in the matter before it is too late.

 

These threads have outlined the problems over and over again. Spouses run a high risk of cheating when they're no longer treated as a spouse. With infidelity rates hovering at 70%, it seems unlikely that 7 out of 10 people are scum.

 

You are correct...cheaters are just damn good people...they are angels, I'd trust any one of them with your wife...phfffft!

[Salicious Crumb]

Sorry, TBF, your question got lost in the fast moving thread.

 

When I first signed on here at LS, I explained that yes, I am a cheater. I have had a few affairs. I'm currently seeing someone on the side somewhat infrequently, but occasionally nonetheless.

 

Well ...now I understand your defense of cheaters. You don't want to regard yourself as scum.

 

And you are still cheating....I bet your statistic of 7 out of 10 people have an affair makes you feel better about the lousy thing you are doing to your wife.

 

Sorry man, after seeing you write about how you continuously cheat...you are scum....mainly because you are not remorseful...because you keep doing it.

[Salicious Crumb]

1) I want to contimue to see my kids every day

2) I feel like I need to keep my wife in the lifestyle she's used to at least until the children leave the house.

 

After my youngest goes to college, I'm gone ..!

 

Yup...there you have it...you ARE indeed scum. I hope your kids disown you. I know I would if my father were doing to my mother what you are doing.

 

You are not a father and most of all, you are not a man.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

I'll tell you what is even worse....my wife cheated on me when we were engaged and didn't say a word...she knows I would have gotten my engagement ring back and called of the wedding.

 

But now that we are married and have two kids, I find out from someone else that she cheated. This could have all been avoided if she had the "tits" to tell me what she did. Now I may have to destroy the lives of my children and break their little hearts if I decide to divorce. The other option is to bottle up my resentment and pretend like mom & dad are happy.

 

Either way, my wife destroyed a family she hadn't even had yet because she was too selfish as to keep this secret from me so she could still marry me.

 

She didn't give me the choice and I resent her for it now.

 

I've only been here a little while and I've heard your story like a dozen times already. Since you're so forthcoming, I've got some questions for you:

 

1) Did she cheat just the one time (one affair, not ONS), or was this a recurring theme with her?

 

2) How long ago was this? If you managed to have 2 kids in the interim, it must have been a while ago.

 

3) Did you ever pause to think that the reason she hid it from you is because you behave exactly as you are behaving - holding an enormous grudge years and years later and incapable of working through it or forgiving? You have a chip on your shoulder the size of Manhattan and no amount of counseling, it seems, will knock it off.

 

4) She screwed up, royally. Is she not worthy of forgiveness? You married her - you must have at one point loved her. Are there any other "unforgivable sins" in your opinion?

 

Last is not a question, but advice. You seem to be a very, very bitter man. You get one chance at life and it seems foolish to waste the prime of your life being consumed with hostility. If your marriage is beyond repair in your opinion, then do what you need to fix YOU and at least salvage some happiness. Life's too short to fill with this kind of angst.

[PussInHeels]

OED: What you say makes complete sense to me, and part of me wants to agree. Yet if my husband cheats on me, I think I would want him to tell me. I certainly want to know if I'm at risk for any "cooties," and I would like to know why it happened. Perhaps there's something amiss that if not addressed, will lead to more cheating. I would be angry and hurt, yes, but more so if our relationship fell apart and I didn't see it coming.

[Salicious Crumb]

I've only been here a little while and I've heard your story like a dozen times already. Since you're so forthcoming, I've got some questions for you:

 

1) Did she cheat just the one time (one affair, not ONS), or was this a recurring theme with her?

 

My understanding after I found out is that she cheated once when we were dating, once when we were engaged, and I believe she cheated at least once while we were married...and all the time I had no idea.

 

Either way, once or a thousand times...betrayal is betrayal.

 

2) How long ago was this? If you managed to have 2 kids in the interim, it must have been a while ago.

 

It was...but betrayal has no statute of limitations. And though I only have proof of her cheating while we were engaged...it doesn't change the betrayal one iota. She kept her secret for her own selfish reasons...because she knew I'd call the wedding off and dump her.

 

3) Did you ever pause to think that the reason she hid it from you is because you behave exactly as you are behaving - holding an enormous grudge years and years later and incapable of working through it or forgiving? You have a chip on your shoulder the size of Manhattan and no amount of counseling, it seems, will knock it off.

 

Well think about what you just said...if that were the case...why would she have wanted to marry me? Why didn't she just make if right and fair to me and break up with me?

 

And why shouldn't I have a chip on my shoulder...she f#cked me over...big time. Oh wait...I'm suppose to feel joy when I found out she is not faithful and not the woman I thought I married. Our marriage vows now mean absolutely dick.

 

4) She screwed up, royally. Is she not worthy of forgiveness? You married her - you must have at one point loved her.

 

I loved her when I thought I knew who she was. I loved someone who I thought was a faithful person...she isn't that person any longer.

 

Are there any other "unforgivable sins" in your opinion?

 

how about murder....speaking of murder....she murdered the husband she now wishes she had back.

 

Last is not a question, but advice. You seem to be a very, very bitter man. You get one chance at life and it seems foolish to waste the prime of your life being consumed with hostility. If your marriage is beyond repair in your opinion, then do what you need to fix YOU and at least salvage some happiness. Life's too short to fill with this kind of angst.

 

There is nothing about me to fix....and if the marriage is to survive, which I am seriously doubting it will(but I am trying for the sake of my children), then it is up to her to fix it...not me. She is the one that f#cked it up...let the greater burden of un-f#cking it rest on her shoulders.

[Salicious Crumb]

OED: What you say makes complete sense to me, and part of me wants to agree. Yet if my husband cheats on me, I think I would want him to tell me. I certainly want to know if I'm at risk for any "cooties," and I would like to know why it happened. Perhaps there's something amiss that if not addressed, will lead to more cheating. I would be angry and hurt, yes, but more so if our relationship fell apart and I didn't see it coming.

 

I think you may have misunderstood OED...he thinks that the cheater should NOT come clean with their betrayal.

[Erik]

You are a hard one, Salicious. Be more flexible, you don't break so easily.

[Salicious Crumb]

You are a hard one, Salicious. Be more flexible, you don't break so easily.

 

LOL...I was broken down when I WAS flexible and understanding....that'll never happen again.

[Erik]

I didn't mention understanding, you don't need or want that. And I don't mean forgiveness either. Forgive me for analysing, but it seems to me you are too angry; you didn't really answer OED's item three.

 

Anyway, I'm not the right person to analyse such stuff. You feel what you feel, no arguing with feelings. But if you can't let go of the dark stuff sometime, she wins again.

[RecordProducer]

Not to tell and let it eat you up alive is horrible. To tell and ruin the realtionship and hurt your spouse is unthinkable. It's choosing between two evils. You really don't know what's worse.

 

But I agree with you on the premise that it's selfish to tell. However, the selfish motives lead to the least selfish results. If you're going to ruin the marriage because of the affair then it's better to tell and get over with it. I think it simply depends on the people. But just saying "You have to tell them, because they desreve to know and choose whether they want to stay with you" is taking the side of the cheated person. Preaching morality is never well accepted. We prefer to be understod to judged.

[Salicious Crumb]

I didn't mention understanding, you don't need or want that. And I don't mean forgiveness either. Forgive me for analysing, but it seems to me you are too angry; you didn't really answer OED's item three. .

 

Yes, I did....you just didn't read it. I said if she didn't tell me because she was worried about me flying off the handle or that I may have an unforgiving nature when it comes to such things...then why did she marry me? OED tried to make me out to be some sort of as$$hole with that comment....so the question is, if thats the case, then why did she hide it and marry me anyway?

 

Answer....out of her own selfishness.