Remorseful cheaters: do not "come clean" with your spouse.

[Salicious Crumb]

Not to tell and let it eat you up alive is horrible. To tell and ruin the realtionship and hurt your spouse is unthinkable. It's choosing between two evils. You really don't know what's worse.

 

But I agree with you on the premise that it's selfish to tell. However, the selfish motives lead to the least selfish results. If you're going to ruin the marriage because of the affair then it's better to tell and get over with it. I think it simply depends on the people. But just saying "You have to tell them, because they desreve to know and choose whether they want to stay with you" is taking the side of the cheated person. Preaching morality is never well accepted. We prefer to be understod to judged.

 

I disagree...my wife neglected to come clean with me about her cheating before we were married...now I resent her for it when I found out years later from someone else. Now 2 kids are in the picture and I may have to destroy their future and break their little hearts over it because of her selfishness...not only the selfishness of cheating...but her selfish motives for not telling me...because she knew I'd dump her flat and call off the wedding.

 

She denied me the choice of whether to stay with her or kick her out. Now two beautiful childrens' lives hang in the balance.

[Ripples]

Oh good grief. Anyone would think it was a case of life and death. I'm sure, just like most other children, they'll get over their parents divorcing especially if it means their mother is parents are happier.

[Jinxx]

Oh good grief. Anyone would think it was a case of life and death. I'm sure, just like most other children, they'll get over their parents divorcing especially if it means their mother is parents are happier.

 

This is very true. Kids adjust very well to divorce. Mine did and many others do too. It is not worth staying in a marriage filled with anger and resentment towards each other just because you share children together.

[RecordProducer]

I disagree...my wife neglected to come clean with me about her cheating before we were married...now I resent her for it when I found out years later from someone else. Now 2 kids are in the picture and I may have to destroy their future and break their little hearts over it because of her selfishness...not only the selfishness of cheating...but her selfish motives for not telling me...because she knew I'd dump her flat and call off the wedding.

 

She denied me the choice of whether to stay with her or kick her out. Now two beautiful childrens' lives hang in the balance.

She cheated BEFORE you got married. Get over it. You too wish she told you for selfish reasons. Frankly, if your marriage were great and you suddenly discovered that she cheated on you long time ago prior to getting married, it wouldn't have bothered you so much. But the fact that she was frequently going out without you speaks that she was not quite happy with the marriage. And the fact that you think the marriage was great means YOU didn't see the problems, but she did.

[whichwayisup]

I disagree...my wife neglected to come clean with me about her cheating before we were married...now I resent her for it when I found out years later from someone else. Now 2 kids are in the picture and I may have to destroy their future and break their little hearts over it because of her selfishness...not only the selfishness of cheating...but her selfish motives for not telling me...because she knew I'd dump her flat and call off the wedding.

 

She denied me the choice of whether to stay with her or kick her out. Now two beautiful childrens' lives hang in the balance.

 

I do hope one day soon you and your wife figure it out. It will take BOTH of you to repair the marriage to make it good again. That is, if you want to give her the chance to work on the marriage. But, SC, if you really feel you can't get past the resentment and anger, then get a divorce. Your wife F'ed up real bad, and continued to do so during the marriage by cheating again while you two were married...You have every right to feel what you feel.

 

I can't remember if you said you were seeking one on one therapy for yourself? If you aren't, maybe it's time to try that route.

 

[PussInHeels]

I think you may have misunderstood OED...he thinks that the cheater should NOT come clean with their betrayal.

 

I understood. His reasoning for not coming clean makes sense to me, yet on a personal level, I would prefer honesty.

[Salicious Crumb]

Oh good grief. Anyone would think it was a case of life and death. I'm sure, just like most other children, they'll get over their parents divorcing especially if it means their mother is parents are happier.

 

Ah..so you crossed out "mother"...so she cheats on me and basically ruins things...but you take a stab like that like it is HER happiness that matters here and not mine. But you go ahead and defend a cheater.

 

And trying to save my kids futures may be a joke to you...but it isn't to me. I just may divorce my wife over this...but one thing is for sure, my kid's futures will be f#cked up because of it.

[Salicious Crumb]

She cheated BEFORE you got married.

 

I only have proof that she cheated before marriage....cheating after marriage I have educated guesses.

 

Get over it.

 

Get over yourself entitlement princess.

 

You too wish she told you for selfish reasons.

 

Ah...so it is selfish to not want to be with a cheater...thanks for clearing that up.

 

Frankly, if your marriage were great and you suddenly discovered that she cheated on you long time ago prior to getting married, it wouldn't have bothered you so much. But the fact that she was frequently going out without you speaks that she was not quite happy with the marriage. And the fact that you think the marriage was great means YOU didn't see the problems, but she did.

 

Ah...another great defender of cheaters...you are more than likely one yourself. She went out without me because we never have anyone to watch the kids and I was more than happy to watch them so she could have time with her friends....that is until I found out what she is capable of.

 

But hey...your tone with me telling me to get over it and trying to break me by putting me down doesn't surprise me of people like you.

 

Sorry sweetheart...you or no other woman will ever hurt me again.

[Salicious Crumb]

I do hope one day soon you and your wife figure it out. It will take BOTH of you to repair the marriage to make it good again. That is, if you want to give her the chance to work on the marriage. But, SC, if you really feel you can't get past the resentment and anger, then get a divorce. Your wife F'ed up real bad, and continued to do so during the marriage by cheating again while you two were married...You have every right to feel what you feel.

 

LOL...apparantly I don't...Ms. Recordproducer thinks my wife is justified in what she did and I should just sit here and take it.

 

Ah, one worhtless woman defends other cheating women.

[Salicious Crumb]

I understood. His reasoning for not coming clean makes sense to me, yet on a personal level, I would prefer honesty.

 

Well I have first hand experience with regards to the topic of this thread...and believe me...I should have been told.

 

Things are now f#cked up in my life because of her betrayal and her not having the guts to tell me before we got married.

 

Bottom line...I deserved to know and now are kids are caught up in the middle of it because of her selfish reasons for not telling me.

[Mirror]

This is why there's more stigma to a woman cheating than a man. Because when men are cheated on, they become bitter and helpless. They want to stay angry for forever, and lashed out at everyone, which leads to violence. It has nothing to do with evolution, genetics, or men have been sleeping around since the dawn of time. It's this that makes it stigmatized for women: Because men are more resentful and bitter and crybabys and say the whole species of women has gone down the drain and call another woman everything but her Christian name if she tries to reason with him and make guys like me look bad .

[Jinxx]

Ah..so you crossed out "mother"...so she cheats on me and basically ruins things...but you take a stab like that like it is HER happiness that matters here and not mine. But you go ahead and defend a cheater.

 

And trying to save my kids futures may be a joke to you...but it isn't to me. I just may divorce my wife over this...but one thing is for sure, my kid's futures will be f#cked up because of it.

'

 

Oh please -- all you do is piss and moan about how your kids' lives will be f#cked up because of it. They won't. You are suffering, that is for sure. So is your wife.

 

Bottom line is BOTH of yours and your wife's happiness is important. You are truly one unhappy miserable SOB. You are missing out big time here. Do yourself a favor (your wife's too) and divorce her. There is some nice woman out there that will appreciate you and your children for who your are.

[Salicious Crumb]

This is why there's more stigma to a woman cheating than a man. Because when men are cheated on, they become bitter and helpless. They want to stay angry for forever, and lashed out at everyone, which leads to violence.

 

Don't even go there. I have never hit anyone in my life, other than a scuffle on the playground when I was 9 year old, and I never will unless in self defense.

 

Don't even try to make me out to be some physical abuser.

 

It has nothing to do with evolution, genetics, or men have been sleeping around since the dawn of time.

 

I have never cheated on a woman ever...but since men have cheated "since the dawn of time" that makes it ok for wives to cheat on perfectly faithful husbands??

 

It's this that makes it stigmatized for women: Because men are more resentful and bitter and crybabys

 

I'm glad to see you can take someone's hurt and pain and call them "crybabys"....this says alot about you.

 

and say the whole species of women has gone down the drain

 

Care to show me where I said anything of the sort? Care to show me where I denounced all women because of what my wife did?

[Erik]

Yes, I did....you just didn't read it. I said if she didn't tell me because she was worried about me flying off the handle (...)

 

No you didn't, your original answer was:

 

"Well think about what you just said...if that were the case...why would she have wanted to marry me? Why didn't she just make if right and fair to me and break up with me?

 

And why shouldn't I have a chip on my shoulder...she f#cked me over...big time. Oh wait...I'm suppose to feel joy when I found out she is not faithful and not the woman I thought I married. Our marriage vows now mean absolutely dick."

 

Yes, she f*ucked you over royally and in spades. She and her lover were probably laughing their *sses off about how stupid and naïve you were.

 

Feel better now?

[Salicious Crumb]

No you didn't, your original answer was:

 

 

 

Yes, she f*ucked you over royally and in spades. She and her lover were probably laughing their *sses off about how stupid and naïve you were.

 

Feel better now?

 

Trust me buddy...my heart is hardened....I am pretty much immune to people trying to say it was my fault or worthless people putting me down over this.

 

You aren't that witty..but nice try:)

[Sevenmack]

Mirror wrote: This is why there's more stigma to a woman cheating than a man. Because when men are cheated on, they become bitter and helpless. They want to stay angry for forever, and lashed out at everyone, which leads to violence. It has nothing to do with evolution, genetics, or men have been sleeping around since the dawn of time. It's this that makes it stigmatized for women: Because men are more resentful and bitter and crybabys and say the whole species of women has gone down the drain and call another woman everything but her Christian name if she tries to reason with him and make guys like me look bad .

 

Actually the stigma of women cheating is worse partly because of the possible consequence: A woman bearing children with the other man. If she cheats on her husband and ends up pregnant, there's the risk of the husband caring for a child that isn't his. Such false paternity is damaging to the child (who suffers because she doesn't know her true father) and the husband, who unwillingly bonds with and supports a child that's not his.

 

Now this doesn't mean that there isn't some truth to your argument that men tend to be more willing to hold the resentment and bitterness for a longer time than women. But you can't discount the damage that female infidelity can wreak on a family. Either way, infidelity isn't good for a relationship, no matter who commits it.

 

As far as SC is concerned: He does need to get over his bitterness because it's damaging to him in the long run. He needs to decide to either work out the marriage or divorce his wife. But I can't blame him for being angry. When you're betrayed by a spouse, it's painful and damaging. You can't argue otherwise.

[Erik]

Trust me buddy...my heart is hardened....I am pretty much immune to people trying to say it was my fault or worthless people putting me down over this.

 

You aren't that witty..but nice try:)

 

Thanks.

 

Your heart may be hardened, but judging by the volume and tone of your post, it sounds more like brittle to me.

[Salicious Crumb]

Now this doesn't mean that there isn't some truth to your argument that men tend to be more willing to hold the resentment and bitterness for a longer time than women. But you can't discount the damage that female infidelity can wreak on a family.

 

Oh there are some on here that will try to discount it.

 

As far as SC is concerned: He does need to get over his bitterness because it's damaging to him in the long run. He needs to decide to either work out the marriage or divorce his wife. But I can't blame him for being angry. When you're betrayed by a spouse, it's painful and damaging. You can't argue otherwise.

 

thanks for the vote of confidence.....but there is one thing I learned from this site..there are alot of people here, and they know who they are, that have cheated before and like to defend their fellow cheaters. To them, the betrayed SO is to blame.

To them, the betrayed SO has to bend over backwards just to keep their partner from cheating. To them, if things aren't exaclty perfect...the SO is justified in going outside the relationship.

[Salicious Crumb]

Thanks.

 

Your heart may be hardened, but judging by the volume and tone of your post, it sounds more like brittle to me.

 

Nah...just not going to take it anymore. I will not be walked all over ever again and will not tolerate those on this forum that want to keep the betrayed down and try to tell them its their fault.

 

And if someone isn't married...or is married and does not have children with their cheating partner, then you bet I will use my experience to try to help them avoid what I am going through.

 

People don't need that kind of crap in their lives and need to know it isn't their fault (with the exception of physical and emotional abuse...but then again...get out of the relationship instead of cheating)

[mrmaximum]

Actually the stigma of women cheating is worse partly because of the possible consequence: A woman bearing children with the other man. If she cheats on her husband and ends up pregnant, there's the risk of the husband caring for a child that isn't his. Such false paternity is damaging to the child (who suffers because she doesn't know her true father) and the husband, who unwillingly bonds with and supports a child that's not his.

 

Exactly, this can be excruciating to say the least. The medical establishment will side with the woman usually due to the fact that the man may leave once he finds out he has been duped, so they he goes, still not knowing that this child isn't his. The stats are alarming, 10% of all families in America (I have no idea what they are in Canada) are part of this paternity fraud. Think about that for a second, there are approx 27,000,000 families with children under 18 and 2,700,000 of those fathers AREN'T the biological parents AND THEY HAVE NO IDEA!! Hey, not going to say that finding out your hubby fathered another child without you knowing isn't nasty, it's a downright crime in which he should be castrated. Imagine however that finding out your precious darling daughter or son in fact isn't yours? There is no question that the child is yours when you are a woman, it isn't the same when you are a man. That is the reason why on some of these forums that guys will tell other guys to get a DNA test if their wife is acting 'funny' (ie. 'Does anyone have a wife like this') it unfortunately is possible to have been duped in the past.

[Glass]

I'm glad to see you can take someone's hurt and pain and call them "crybabys"....this says alot about you.

 

Care to show me where I said anything of the sort? Care to show me where I denounced all women because of what my wife did?

 

Excuse me- it seems my original posting as Mirror was so "inticing" that I was blocked from the entire website for awhile, so I will start over and try tempering my responses though I dont remember saying so many of the negative responses like when someone called you an SOB. I really did not think anyone paid that much attention to what I had to say but I could be being modest .

 

Salicious crumbs, what is so funny, is that I never mentioned your name in my entire post. I did not even quote you. Neither did i say all of those things applied to you. I was speaking generally and it seems you took it as a personal attack against you. But the guilty always speak first don't they?

 

I believe you see someone who as they really are in times of peril. Well, if you really want to know where you "said anything of the sort"- You accused a lady as "another worthless woman defending another cheater." And I took it as you accusing a woman you know nothing about- which is true, correct?

[shellys-trying]

Nah...just not going to take it anymore. I will not be walked all over ever again and will not tolerate those on this forum that want to keep the betrayed down and try to tell them its their fault.QUOTE]

 

People who assume that the betrayed could have or should have done something to make their spouse/SO not cheat on them, well, that opinion is garbage.

I tried for almost 12 yrs to make my M work. My H was the unemotional one who didn't think he had to say or do anything to keep our M above water. He sure was happy tho' to let me love all over him, brag on him, defend him, whatever, but to reciprocate and show me that kind of love and support, nah! He thought, "i'm M to her. That shows I want to be with her and no one else. I'm wearing a wedding band, blah, blah."

 

When he felt the itch to cheat, after 12 yrs, he gets all those ideas a potential cheater does to give him/herself excuses. "She doesn't understand me, I never get to have a life, do anything on my own. She never brags on me, only nags. Here I work and work to pay bills SHE helped create...."

Out the window went my raising our kids, while he did little or nothing, other than bringing home the bacon. Our kids were closer to me, because he wasn't a loving person. I could have cheated but I loved him, our kids more than the need to scratch an itch.

Only after he got the itch and scratched it with the office pump he finally "gets it".

I'm just sorry it took getting crapped on by a gold digger at work, to make him see what he had at home.

That, my friends, is the double edged sword in my story.

 

So, did I do anything to make him cheat? Hell no and I'll tell anyone who tries to tell me I did something to make my H stray, to f*ck off.

 

HE chose it. He had a loving home, a W who loved(and still does)him. Kids who loved him then, and thankfully forgave his betrayal of them.

[mrmaximum]

Nah...just not going to take it anymore. I will not be walked all over ever again and will not tolerate those on this forum that want to keep the betrayed down and try to tell them its their fault.QUOTE]

 

People who assume that the betrayed could have or should have done something to make their spouse/SO not cheat on them, well, that opinion is garbage.

I tried for almost 12 yrs to make my M work. My H was the unemotional one who didn't think he had to say or do anything to keep our M above water. He sure was happy tho' to let me love all over him, brag on him, defend him, whatever, but to reciprocate and show me that kind of love and support, nah! He thought, "i'm M to her. That shows I want to be with her and no one else. I'm wearing a wedding band, blah, blah."

 

When he felt the itch to cheat, after 12 yrs, he gets all those ideas a potential cheater does to give him/herself excuses. "She doesn't understand me, I never get to have a life, do anything on my own. She never brags on me, only nags. Here I work and work to pay bills SHE helped create...."

Out the window went my raising our kids, while he did little or nothing, other than bringing home the bacon. Our kids were closer to me, because he wasn't a loving person. I could have cheated but I loved him, our kids more than the need to scratch an itch.

Only after he got the itch and scratched it with the office pump he finally "gets it".

I'm just sorry it took getting crapped on by a gold digger at work, to make him see what he had at home.

That, my friends, is the double edged sword in my story.

 

So, did I do anything to make him cheat? Hell no and I'll tell anyone who tries to tell me I did something to make my H stray, to f*ck off.

 

HE chose it. He had a loving home, a W who loved(and still does)him. Kids who loved him then, and thankfully forgave his betrayal of them.

 

One more person who finally seen the light!! THANK GOD!!

[Salicious Crumb]

I believe you see someone who as they really are in times of peril. Well, if you really want to know where you "said anything of the sort"- You accused a lady as "another worthless woman defending another cheater." And I took it as you accusing a woman you know nothing about- which is true, correct?

 

And I still never said anything of the sort. My saying that was in reply to the comment about the ENTIRE female species going down the drain...and I never said anything of the sort...I did however comment on the truly worthless ones...that is not a comment about ALL women...just the ones that cheat and think the betrayed, especially men, need to "get over it".

 

And if she is a cheater, what else do I need to know?

[Salicious Crumb]

Nah...just not going to take it anymore. I will not be walked all over ever again and will not tolerate those on this forum that want to keep the betrayed down and try to tell them its their fault.QUOTE]

 

People who assume that the betrayed could have or should have done something to make their spouse/SO not cheat on them, well, that opinion is garbage..

 

Well you aint seen nothing yet. Stick around. Some on this site feel it is their entitlement to cheat if absolutely all of their little "needs" aren't met.