Remorseful cheaters: do not "come clean" with your spouse.

[amerikajin]

She may be complying with the ground rules...but she complains that she doesn't get to go to the clubs any more....translation to me..."I don't like that I can't go to the clubs and hook up with other guys any longer"

 

When she complained of this I told her she can move out and go to the clubs all she wanted since the guys she wants to be with are there.

 

She denies denies denies that she goes there for other guys...but her unaccounted whereabouts for a few hours after the clubs close tell me otherwise.

 

I think I'm going to make her stay home and watch the kids while I go out and have a little fun....we'll see how she likes it.

 

I know it can't be easy, man. I know I would be suspicious - anyone would be.

 

Have you guys done counseling together?

 

It seems to me, based on what you've told us, that you were indeed victimized in the sense that you trusted her, and she violated that trust.

 

Not in any way to be disrespectful, but did you ever get the sense (even the slightest bit, at any time since you've known each other) that you two might not be on the same page? Maybe there were signs before, but you either simply did not pick up on them, or maybe you did but chose to ignore them?

 

Don't misunderstand me - I don't think you were necessarily ignoring her needs or anything like that, and I don't think her cheating was justified (nor is it ever). I'm just wondering if maybe a part of you realized, deep down inside, somewhere along the way, that maybe you two weren't quite right for each other.

 

I have to say, too, that it seems strange. It seems like she's the one who does all the partying while you stay at home with the kids. Is that so? Did she not enjoy her kids? Or do you never go out with the guys? What's up on the home front?

[Salicious Crumb]

"Turnabout is fair play" only makes sense if you intend to get back at your wife "in kind." I don't think you would do that based on the hurt you have shared.

 

I wouldn't do that based on who I am...I'm not a cheater and never will be.

 

But it would be nice to let her think I am messing around. She is already afraid that I will...she even wants me to stop going to the gym.....sorry..no chance of that happening.

 

You definitely have the right to be angry and unforgiving, but you seem to have lost sight of the fact that while your wife took away your "choice" to marry her, that you have always had the choice to remain married.

 

huh? If you mean I have the choice now after the fact to remain married or not...well, you are right..but by withholding that information, alot of my time is wasted, and the lives of my kids will be less than what I wanted for them.

 

I don't buy the whole "the kids would suffer" routine you keep boasting. Yes, it would be harder to give them all you could have, but it's not impossible.

 

Well for one thing...their futures will be flushed down the toilet...I started a fund for college for the both of them..not much in it now...but if we got divorced...that will be gone...and monthly payments into that fund will be non-existent. Ya ya ya...I can hear it now..."oh..so you want to stay for financial reasons"....hell no....I just have a hard time destroying the dream I have for my kids. Yes, they can get student loans...and ya..they'll be paying on those til they are almost 50. Not what I wanted for them.

[Salicious Crumb]

I have to say, too, that it seems strange. It seems like she's the one who does all the partying while you stay at home with the kids. Is that so?

 

Pretty much...but I never thought a thing of it and trusted her until I found out that I no longer could.

 

But her partying days are over. If she doesn't like it, she can pack her bags and leave the house without my children.

 

Did she not enjoy her kids? Or do you never go out with the guys?

 

My going out with the guys consists of an occasional ball game..and playing poker not but a few blocks away in a garage....not clubbing it and mixing it up with other women.

 

What's up on the home front?

 

Keeping busy...going to the gym on a daily basis...working on my house...playing with my kids.

 

Thats about it.

[amerikajin]

Pretty much...but I never thought a thing of it and trusted her until I found out that I no longer could.

 

But her partying days are over. If she doesn't like it, she can pack her bags and leave the house without my children.

 

 

 

My going out with the guys consists of an occasional ball game..and playing poker not but a few blocks away in a garage....not clubbing it and mixing it up with other women.

 

 

 

Keeping busy...going to the gym on a daily basis...working on my house...playing with my kids.

 

Thats about it.

 

Hmmmm...interesting.

 

Did you ever sense that she was sort of 'distant', particularly before you guys married? Did you ever get the feeling that you all had a lot in common or did not have a lot common? Was there any point when you felt something change? I sort of get the feeling, by your comments, that this really was a surprise, which is somewhat unusual from what I've heard from others in your situation. Not unheard of certainly, but most of the cases I've heard of (friends and what not), most suspected something was not quite right.

[dropdeadlegs]

Well for one thing...their futures will be flushed down the toilet...I started a fund for college for the both of them..not much in it now...but if we got divorced...that will be gone...and monthly payments into that fund will be non-existent. Ya ya ya...I can hear it now..."oh..so you want to stay for financial reasons"....hell no....I just have a hard time destroying the dream I have for my kids. Yes, they can get student loans...and ya..they'll be paying on those til they are almost 50. Not what I wanted for them.

I agree that cheating is not ever okay, You have chosen the higher ground and that is commendable.

 

I also understand that making her "think" you might be cheating might be desirable, but again, I think that the higher ground is best. Don't even let her THINK that you have lowered yourself to that point, or it will give her ammunition.

 

I still have a hard time with your kids and their future. Maybe I'm unrealistic. I think they can have a good life regardless of how your marriage ends up. I know that finances would be spent differently, but that doesn't mean that they have to suffer. Marriages end every day, and kids often pay a hefty price, UNLESS a parent determines that it won't happen.

 

There is much that can be done financially and i am happy to offer solutions other than student loans.

 

I really wish the best for you, SC, I do.

[Salicious Crumb]

Hmmmm...interesting.

 

Did you ever sense that she was sort of 'distant', particularly before you guys married?

 

No.

 

Did you ever get the feeling that you all had a lot in common or did not have a lot common? Was there any point when you felt something change?

 

Naturally after our first child, but not before that.

 

I sort of get the feeling, by your comments, that this really was a surprise, which is somewhat unusual from what I've heard from others in your situation.

 

That would be correct.

 

Trust me, if I had thought things weren't all they should be or seemed odd...I'd have said something....or left the relationship myself.