Remorseful cheaters: do not "come clean" with your spouse.

[Trialbyfire]

they can hide behind the BS stance of not wanting to hurt their SO more

How true. If there was honest consideration for their SO and family, the affair would never have happened in the first place. It's so simple and yet so difficult for people to understand or admit to.

[Art_Critic]

If there was honest consideration for their SO and family, the affair would never have happened in the first place. It's so simple and yet so difficult for people to understand or admit to.

 

Even as a teen I knew this simple fact..

 

I am the one that gave up my Dad and his OW to my Step Mother..

I watched my Mom go thru the same thing so when I was aware that he was doing to my Step Mom as he did to my Mom I made her aware so she could make any decisions she needed to to get away from him and end the pain that was happening to our family.

 

In the end it was the best move.. but he should've been the one to do it.. not a 15 year old boy..

The plus side of this is that I am a very monogamous person today because of my past and I can honestly say that I have learned from my Dad's mistakes and from watching the pain that cheating causes and has caused my siblings and I.

[amerikajin]

I think how you repay the wages of sin are ultimately a choice you have to make individually, though understand at all times that your decisions have consequences either way. Weigh them carefully.

 

I get the sense that the OP isn't really arguing that one should lie or keep secrets; I think he's just against the "Honesty is always the best policy" dogma, and I see his point.

 

For me, I think it's impossible to say what I would or wouldn't do if I cheated on my spouse. The dynamics of a marriage are always changing, because people change. And when people change, there is always the risk that one person will change faster than the other. It can get really complicated.

 

Probably 95 percent of the time, when a spouse cheats, there is usually some warning given to their partner well beforehand. It's not like someone's going to come out and say "I'm thinking about having an affair, what do you think?" - you have to pick up on the situation.

 

One thing I've noticed here is that all of the focus is placed on the cheating and the cheater, which is usually not where it should be. Without reservation, cheating is not the right way to handle marital problems, and I firmly believe in accountability. But as I said, usually there's warning that there are serious problems in the relationship, and a lot of times there is enough blame on both sides to go around. Again, that doesn't justify cheating, but to put all the blame on the act of infidelity is a mistake.

 

I guess if it were me I would have to consider the behavior and how I think the person will take it. Obviously, it's not going to be received well under the best of circumstances. But I understand exactly what the OP is saying: people just assume that disclosure by itself is going to start the process of repairing whatever's wrong in the marriage - that is not necessarily the case. In fact, for some it might actually be an emotional injury from which the marriage never recovers. Some people just can't handle the truth. Some people might develop a sense of moral superiority to their spouses and might, in turn, exploit that.

[mrmaximum]

Well, OED you've stepped into the middle of a hornet's nest. Fun, isn't it?

 

Your pragmatic approach doesn't have traction here. For many, Truth/Honesty is the greatest good, and trumps mere human considerations like the marriage's continuation. Many posters would rather see a broken marriage and ripped apart family than less than total Honesty. The Triumph of the Absolutes.

 

Absolutes scare me--especially when imposed on the multifariousness of life where shades of gray exist. Because I'm a human being first, I prefer to live by a utilitarian , not a Moral, calculus.

 

That makes my posts and musings here less certain(and predictable), but my life better managed.That's a trade-off I much prefer.

 

Are you saying that you would rather live a lie? In truth whatever makes you satisfied in life is what you have to do, however, to continue the satus quo for it's own sake could lead too far worse damage, yeah? Some people can do it, but a good portion of people can't, and I 've read about cases of couples following this example only to be burned in the future by now being found out by another person confessing their, sordid past. State what you will Sugar, but you and OED should by now realize that once again you are the minoirty and maybe slow down your elitist thinking that you are better than we are by holding onto you shades of grey and blurred lines of right and wrong. Cheating isn't a mistake and by holding onto the marriage in a state of deceit like that seems to mean to me even more that it is being done for selfish and self serving reasons.

[Trialbyfire]

Even as a teen I knew this simple fact..

 

I am the one that gave up my Dad and his OW to my Step Mother..

I watched my Mom go thru the same thing so when I was aware that he was doing to my Step Mom as he did to my Mom I made her aware so she could make any decisions she needed to to get away from him and end the pain that was happening to our family.

 

In the end it was the best move.. but he should've been the one to do it.. not a 15 year old boy..

The plus side of this is that I am a very monogamous person today because of my past and I can honestly say that I have learned from my Dad's mistakes and from watching the pain that cheating causes and has caused my siblings and I.

I'm sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine what it must have been like to have experienced this, along with the dissolution of their marriage.

 

I think people can learn from your experiences, learn from the trauma that something like this would cause a teenage boy or any child(ren). That it made you a good role model as an adult is the positive side to selfish actions. Good for you!!

[Art_Critic]

I'm sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine what it must have been like to have experienced this, along with the dissolution of their marriage.

 

I think people can learn from your experiences, learn from the trauma that something like this would cause a teenage boy or any child(ren). That it made you a good role model as an adult is the positive side to selfish actions. Good for you!!

 

 

Thanks..

 

The marriage between him and my Step Mom didn't dissolve.. She remained a BS for a few more years and fell to his games and emotional blackmail until she threw him out of the house.. He then 2 months later came down with lung cancer and died 5 months later.. So she became a widow

 

The plus side to it all is my family ( 6 kids and 2 moms ) became very close.. even to the point that both my Mom and Step Mom would vacation with us together and they became the best of friends.. but only after his death.

[mrmaximum]

How true. If there was honest consideration for their SO and family, the affair would never have happened in the first place. It's so simple and yet so difficult for people to understand or admit to.

 

An affair seems to be the worst thing that can be done IMO, how about thinking about SO instead of themselves? I can't see how holding it in isn't anything but selfish. How about finding out that you have an STD that your lovely spouse gave you? Great way to find out yeah?

[Trialbyfire]

An affair seems to be the worst thing that can be done IMO, how about thinking about SO instead of themselves? I can't see how holding it in isn't anything but selfish. How about finding out that you have an STD that your lovely spouse gave you? Great way to find out yeah?

I'm also sorry to hear about this too. Bad enough that they betrayed your trust but to not have been careful just points towards pure selfishness. A helluva' way to find out about it.

 

I sincerely hope you're okay now.

[InaPanic]

I haven't read but the first of 3 pages on this thread but feel like i have to chime in my opinion since that is what the orginal poster did ask for.

 

As any of the regulars here from the past summer will already know i did cheat on my husband & i had a huge long thread going on the subject of do i tell or don't i. I know i am going to let down a lot of people here that i don't want to let down but....i have regretted (of course the affair but also..) telling him nearly every day since i did it. Now, let me say, i can understand completely the theory of 'he has a right to know'. Yes, a part of me absolutely did feel like he had a right to know & that did sway me in my decision. But the original poster hit the nail on the big fat head when he stated it was an unburdening of the guilt being carried. I was being eaten alive by it. Telling him did him no good, it only cleared my head & mind but also opened up a whole new can of worms. Ok, ok, i know someone is bound to say 'no your affair did him no good & that opened up a whole new can of worms' & before you say it i know this & agree & it's understood but the subject is not whether one should have an affair or not, the answer to that is obvious. The subject is of telling. I can tell you this. Since enlightening my husband he has had a very hard time. He blames himself no matter how much i say it was ME not him. He feels less of a man because he feels it was due to something lacking sexually even tho i also try to tell him i don't think sex had anything to do with it, it was the attention. He feels like he's 1/2 the man he used to. He now feels empty inside & like he's dying (those are direct quotes from him just as of this past week & I told him back in August). Do i wish i could have kept this dirty secret inside & away from him? yes! without a doubt or second thought YES YES YES! Do i think it was physically or mentally possible for me to have done that......well, i can't honestly say. Maybe if i'd held out another week i would have started to improve but honestly it was getting worse & worse for me & i dont' think we would have survived if i hadn't told him. Surviving now is in question as well too tho.

Sorry this is long & sorry if it's rambling but as someone who has lived this i had to express what i feel.

[Trialbyfire]

Maybe if i'd held out another week i would have started to improve but honestly it was getting worse & worse for me & i dont' think we would have survived if i hadn't told him. Surviving now is in question as well too tho.

 

This pretty much sums up the impact of an affair, not the impact of telling the spouse. It sounds like no matter which way it went, telling or not, survival isn't guaranteed.

[Island Girl]

Telling him did him no good, it only cleared my head & mind but also opened up a whole new can of worms.-...-I can tell you this. Since enlightening my husband he has had a very hard time. He blames himself no matter how much i say it was ME not him. He feels less of a man because he feels it was due to something lacking sexually even tho i also try to tell him i don't think sex had anything to do with it, it was the attention. He feels like he's 1/2 the man he used to. He now feels empty inside & like he's dying (those are direct quotes from him just as of this past week & I told him back in August).

 

Exactly as my friends husband feels now. You can read the post here but basically it was an emotional affair that ended with a kiss.

 

It was over. Really was over. No hope of being rekindled - my friend was completely back "in" her marriage 100%.

 

They started on the road to improvement and her guilt got worse and worse because their relationship was so much improved than it had been when she did what she did.

 

So she told him. And it is 3 years later now. He still carries it around the same as if it was the first day he learned of it. It rears it's ugly head when things are going well - because he feels like something else must be going on for it to be good. And it comes up when it is bad - he throws it up into her face when they fight and makes sarcastic comments constantly.

 

They are worse now than they ever have been. Even with counseling.

 

She wishes she would have just kept her mouth shut and worked on their problems as they had started to do. Without adding any of the "other can of worms". She says she'd have just carried the guilt of her mistake instead of trying to clear her conscience.

 

It's sad.

[amerikajin]

People live lies all the time.

[ridingthebulls]

I don't agree.

The guilt is too high so the cheater eventually starts trying to justify their behavior to feel better or even try to deny they did it to themselves.

You know some cheaters never admit it no matter what! There are some men even when faced with evidence years later deny and deny. I really think the twisted ones start believing their own lies because they've told them for so many years! They just can't even admit what they did to themselves.

I don't think ALL cheaters live with the guilt... I just think some start displacing those feelings with other feelings cause it hurts too much for them to bear. And all the rationalization and justification will just make them hate their spouses more because it's giving them ammunition on why they did it and possibly might become a precursor to further cheating. I don't know, but I think a clean slate is only made when ones comes clean not only with their spouse but with themself as well.

[dropdeadlegs]

People live lies all the time.

And sometimes they should.

[ridingthebulls]

"I was being eaten alive by it."

 

No matter WHO has those feelings, it's an unhealthy way to live. Eventually unbalanced thought processes kick in when suffering with such a burden on their own.

[amerikajin]

Morality sucks.

[Trialbyfire]

And sometimes they should.

No, never live a lie because it's one more inroad into your integrity. Some of us have to stand firm on things that matter to us, on principles that are key to us as people. There are millions of situations where there's grey areas and each person makes those judgement calls. In a situation where someone cheats in a marriage, it's like taking a jackhammer to the core foundations of the institution of marriage. To ignore it would be tantamount to throwing your values out the window. Not acceptable.

[Trialbyfire]

Morality sucks.

Then why have any?

[amerikajin]

Then why have any?

 

You must do what you can reconcile with yourself before going to sleep at night.

[Trialbyfire]

You must do what you can reconcile with yourself before going to sleep at night.

Reconcile or justify?

[reservoirdog1]

There is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by telling of the affair after the fact. Nothing.

With respect, I disagree. There is something positive to be gained. And that is the opportunity for the betrayed partner to be given the choice, armed with all the information, as to whether or not they want to stay in the relationship. They are owed that much. If they can forgive, great. If they can't, well, that's the way it goes. But the betrayed partner deserves to know who they're in a relationship with and what that person is capable of or willing to do when the chips are down.

 

Without coming clean, the betrayer is denying the betrayed the choice that is rightfully theirs and making it for them. That is wrong.

 

Admittedly, the "positive" of telling isn't much of a positive. But it's a positive in context.

[amerikajin]

Reconcile or justify?

 

You can accept what you've done without necessarily saying that what you did was right. You can move forward from that point. Western morality, consistent with the Judeo-Christian ethic of truth in an almost absolutist sense, tends to promote "disclosure". I don't think truth in the absolute sense is necessarily required. That is simply an expectation.

[Trialbyfire]

You can accept what you've done without necessarily saying that what you did was right. You can move forward from that point. Western morality, consistent with the Judeo-Christian ethic of truth in an almost absolutist sense, tends to promote "disclosure". I don't think truth in the absolute sense is necessarily required. That is simply an expectation.

Do you feel that it's an acceptable way to live to have to "reconcile" with yourself every single night? Or do you suppose that after awhile, you become immune to the action being unacceptable to your integrity, thus your integrity is eroded?

[amerikajin]

With respect, I disagree. There is something positive to be gained. And that is the opportunity for the betrayed partner to be given the choice, armed with all the information, as to whether or not they want to stay in the relationship. They are owed that much. If they can forgive, great. If they can't, well, that's the way it goes. But the betrayed partner deserves to know who they're in a relationship with and what that person is capable of or willing to do when the chips are down.

 

Without coming clean, the betrayer is denying the betrayed the choice that is rightfully theirs and making it for them. That is wrong.

 

Admittedly, the "positive" of telling isn't much of a positive. But it's a positive in context.

 

Dog,

 

I think I remember your story, and if I'm not mistaken, you've been cheated on before - am I right?

 

Admittedly, I've neither cheated nor been the victim of cheating, but I have tried to think about both angles. If I were the cheater, my guilt might eventually compel me to spill the beens - I don't hide that stuff well. I can hide it well if I want to, but as I said, I think I would obsess about it to the point of having to tell her at some point. All I'm saying is, I don't think people are necessarily obligated to tell if they think it's just an honest "mistake" (that will obviously be debated here, and I understand that).

 

If I were cheated on, I'd like to think I wouldn't overreact but nobody ever really knows how they'll respond. I guess I just know enough from my own experiences and the experiences of others that it's a mistake to put all the focus on the cheating and the cheaters who engage in such behavior. People usually cheat because they're pissed off or feel that the marriage just isn't all that good. That in no way excuses cheating - it's a terrible way to solve a problem, but sometimes feelings get the better of people in relationships and they make dumb decisions.

 

I mean, it's easy to say disclose everything to your spouse, but what if you've got two kids and just don't feel like dragging them through a bitter family feud?

[americat]

Reconcile with yourself? it's always the selfish sobs that keep those things secretive. couldn't handle giving your spouse a choice because the select few ofyou know probably for certain that they'll leave your degenerate as+.

Disclosure isn't necessary? I hope you correlate that idea with every aspect ofyour life- i bet you cant. You just use it to justify your actions when necessary.