Remorseful cheaters: do not "come clean" with your spouse.

[amerikajin]

Do you feel that it's an acceptable way to live to have to "reconcile" with yourself every single night? Or do you suppose that after awhile, you become immune to the action being unacceptable to your integrity, thus your integrity is eroded?

 

In the eyes of most women I've met, my integrity would already be seriously impugned by that point anyway. Me personally? I'd probably tell at some point. I'm just saying I would not find fault with someone who tried to get away with it, especially if it was just a short fling. We're seriously getting into the world of hypotheticals here, and there are all kinds of circumstances and variables that would affect my judgment in a situation like this. But I think there are some situations when maybe keeping your mouth shut might not be a terrible thing.

 

Honest to goodness, if someone cheated on me, I would not blame them for not having confessed to me about it. Would it make them that much less credible? Yes, but I would at least understand why they tried to conceal the fling. I would be hurt whether my partner tells me or not.

[amerikajin]

Reconcile with yourself? it's always the selfish sobs that keep those things secretive. couldn't handle giving your spouse a choice because the select few ofyou know probably for certain that they'll leave your degenerate as+.

Disclosure isn't necessary? I hope you correlate that idea with every aspect ofyour life- i bet you cant. You just use it to justify your actions when necessary.

 

This is the kind of attitude I'm talking about.

 

You see this all the time on LS: the assumption of inherent moral superiority. We don't know anything about the events which preceded the adultery - even if every aspect of the relationship sucked and even if the offended party was an otherwise lousy partner, all of the blame will be placed on the "cheater", which is not a very mature way to look at a relationship. In a lot of cases, yes, cheaters are selfish people - then again, many times the very people they cheat on are every bit as selfish. Hell, maybe they wanted to cheat too but were just not attractive enough.

[Trialbyfire]

In the eyes of most women I've met, my integrity would already be seriously impugned by that point anyway. Me personally? I'd probably tell at some point. I'm just saying I would not find fault with someone who tried to get away with it, especially if it was just a short fling. We're seriously getting into the world of hypotheticals here, and there are all kinds of circumstances and variables that would affect my judgment in a situation like this. But I think there are some situations when maybe keeping your mouth shut might not be a terrible thing.

 

Honest to goodness, if someone cheated on me, I would not blame them for not having confessed to me about it. Would it make them that much less credible? Yes, but I would at least understand why they tried to conceal the fling. I would be hurt whether my partner tells me or not.

While I don't want to denigrate your ability to understand the situation, being in it is a whole 'nother ball game.

[americat]

While I don't want to denigrate your ability to understand the situation, being in it is a whole 'nother ball game.

 

I'm sure he uses that same viewpoint in ways he has dealt with personal situations in the past, but I bet he wouldn't like it too much if he was on the receiving end.

 

Yet his take on "maturity" is amusing under HIS "adultery should be legal" thread:

 

But hey, if I, as a man, want go shag some 24 year old secretary, why shouldn't I be allowed to? And hey, if a woman wants to get it on with someone else, she should be allowed to as well. People want sex, and sometimes they're going to want sex with other people outside their marriage/relationship - that's just, like, nature, you know!?

 

I guess that's what they call an "OPEN" marriage meaning BOTH partners agree to this behavior before marriage is set in stone. Apparently he hasn't had much luck in being able to woo another woman into his mode of thinking.

And btw after a long-term relationship or marriage in which you actually care or love your partner, I bet you will be thinking twice about sharing their love-spot with another man's dic#!

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sure he uses that same viewpoint in ways he has dealt with personal situations in the past, but I bet he wouldn't like it too much if he was on the receiving end.

 

Yet his take on "maturity" is amusing under HIS "adultery should be legal" thread:

 

But hey, if I, as a man, want go shag some 24 year old secretary, why shouldn't I be allowed to? And hey, if a woman wants to get it on with someone else, she should be allowed to as well. People want sex, and sometimes they're going to want sex with other people outside their marriage/relationship - that's just, like, nature, you know!?

 

I guess that's what they call an "OPEN" marriage meaning BOTH partners agree to this behavior before marriage is set in stone. Apparently he hasn't had much luck in being able to woo another woman into his mode of thinking.

lol, thanks for the enlightenment. I can't imagine being in an open relationship. Call me possessive.

[americat]

Yeah.. I mean it might be "natural" to some to want to screw around but at the same time it will also feel "natural" to not want to share your partner with someone else. So is it fair to be the only adulterous one in the marriage? Not to anyone but yourself. You have the mental capability to overrule your natural instincts and this guy will one day have to learn how to do that. Trust me on it being much easier to let go the need to screw others before you will be able to fight the one that makes you incapable of imagining sharing your spouse. That is if there are any feelings left in the relationship, otherwise I really don't think there should be a relationship. Amerikajin made it clear in another thread that he didn't think relationships should be based on love or sex. If those two things are gone, the relationship should continue he says while you are getting some on the side. What the hell is more important to base it on then? Ever been in love? Maybe not.

[Trialbyfire]

I completely agree with you. I've had many an opportunity to...diversify, but never indulged. It's not something I've ever done or ever will do to everyone involved. Affairs are like throwing a stone in the water. The ripple effect can be endless to all your loved ones.

 

In three generations, none of my family have ever been involved in something like this. No one within my extended family has even had a divorce for any reason. This is how I was raised. Congratulate me on being the first for both. Boy, did I pick a winner to commit to, lol.

[alphamale]

Boy, did I pick a winner to commit to, lol.

apparently so TBF

[americat]

I completely agree with you. I've had many an opportunity to...diversify, but never indulged. It's not something I've ever done or ever will do to everyone involved. Affairs are like throwing a stone in the water. The ripple effect can be endless to all your loved ones.

 

In three generations, none of my family have ever been involved in something like this. No one within my extended family has even had a divorce for any reason. This is how I was raised. Congratulate me on being the first for both. Boy, did I pick a winner to commit to, lol.

 

 

Sorry about that. Cheers to a new beginning at least?

[addicted2love]

Having been on both sides of the fence I will speak first from the point of view as a BS...

I wish I had never found out. My husband came out of no where one day and simply said "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." However he refused to say why. He lied when I asked him if there was someone else.

He tried to hide his affair from me but I became a detective and figured out the truth. It was devistating. He finally came clean and I continued to catch him in lie after lie. Found out from the OW that there was another OW before her..(he lied about her too). All of this truth and "knowledge" I felt I had to have has caused me nothing but heart ache. It's possible to forgive but one can NEVER forget. It's always in the back of your mind...there will always be doubt. Unlike our original posters W I don't think he had and remorse until he got caught. When I laid the facts out infront of him he crumbled like a cookie and spilled his guts. He knew I would stop at nothing until I knew all of it. The details did not help me one bit...details are salt in the wound. I'm the kind of person that believes everything happens for a reason so I became obsessed with the "why". Why serves no purpose. I wish he had just felt guilty on his own...ended the A and carried the cross by himself and made the decision to stay with me because he wanted too.

 

With that said...I truly believe that if things had gone that way I wouldn't have become involved in an emotional A with an exflame 7 years later. The damage was done. I haven't felt close to my H since his A's. So I didn't feel as guilty as I should have for allowing myself to get emotionally re-attached to an old bf. The guilt I did feel was for exBF's W. He was/is married too. When D day came and she called me I lied my ass off. She wanted details of my conversations w/ her H. I told her the details didn't matter. I was once again in her shoes and I couldn't bare to cause her that pain. The pain that comes with the truth...."Yes your husband told me he still loves me." "Yes, he said he wanted to leave you to be with me." ...etc. If she knew the truth of everything her H said to me it would crush her. I lied to her to spare her additional pain. As well as to protect myself and xMM. Also I don't think intentionally hurting my H by spilling my guts would do anyone a bit of good. I don't even think it would make me feel better to get it off my chest. If I told him it would be with the soul purpose of hurting him....what I did was bad enough...I have to live with that.

[Ripples]

I'm pretty new here, but I've noticed that "coming clean" with your spouse about an affair is a pretty common recommendation. Well, I hate to be the fly in the ointment, but I couldn't possibly disagree more.

 

If you have an affair and, through your own volition, have decided to end the affair and concentrate on your marriage, chances are pretty good you're going to feel terribly guilty - and justifiably so. You're going to be told by people here that your spouse "needs to know" - that you should "come clean". No. That horrible empty feeling you have - that gnawing guilt eating away at the back of your head - that's your cross to bear.

 

The moment you unload your mistakes onto him or her, you've opened up their heart and forced them to carry your burden and share your misery and shame. You don't get to do that. The main reason people confess is that the guilt is eating them alive. That's just too bad.

 

If they find out - that's different

If you fall in love with someone else, don't want to work on your marriage and need a divorce - whatever

But if you have an affair and regret it - you get to hold that in ALONE.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share another take on a common piece of advice I see here. Any thoughts? Agree/disagree?

 

Fantastic post, absolutely agree with everything you've said. As a BS.

 

Also love everything that amerikajin has said, the voice of reason as always.

[mrmaximum]

I'm also sorry to hear about this too. Bad enough that they betrayed your trust but to not have been careful just points towards pure selfishness. A helluva' way to find out about it.

 

I sincerely hope you're okay now.

Thanks for the concern but it wasn't me. I read about that once in a case about infidelity. This is what I mean though, this whole 'keeping it to yourself' hogwash, if you do the crime you do the time, I appreciate your concern though!!

[mrmaximum]

I don't agree.

The guilt is too high so the cheater eventually starts trying to justify their behavior to feel better or even try to deny they did it to themselves.

You know some cheaters never admit it no matter what! There are some men even when faced with evidence years later deny and deny. I really think the twisted ones start believing their own lies because they've told them for so many years! They just can't even admit what they did to themselves.

I don't think ALL cheaters live with the guilt... I just think some start displacing those feelings with other feelings cause it hurts too much for them to bear. And all the rationalization and justification will just make them hate their spouses more because it's giving them ammunition on why they did it and possibly might become a precursor to further cheating. I don't know, but I think a clean slate is only made when ones comes clean not only with their spouse but with themself as well.

 

Well said, they did it and got away with it, would you want to be with someone that did something like this to you and didn't tell you?

[mrmaximum]

No, never live a lie because it's one more inroad into your integrity. Some of us have to stand firm on things that matter to us, on principles that are key to us as people. There are millions of situations where there's grey areas and each person makes those judgement calls. In a situation where someone cheats in a marriage, it's like taking a jackhammer to the core foundations of the institution of marriage. To ignore it would be tantamount to throwing your values out the window. Not acceptable.

 

There is no grey area when it comes to infidelity, we like to think there is but there really isn't. End of story!!

[mrmaximum]

You can accept what you've done without necessarily saying that what you did was right. You can move forward from that point. Western morality, consistent with the Judeo-Christian ethic of truth in an almost absolutist sense, tends to promote "disclosure". I don't think truth in the absolute sense is necessarily required. That is simply an expectation.

 

But what about when this affects someone else? You are married now, your choices affect someone else too, it isn't just up to you anymore. When you sleep around on your spouses back your health and well being is no longer the most pressing issue your spouse who has no idea of what;s going on should be first and that means that they should choose whether they want to continue with you or not. I agree that if you want to do anything in this world that if you can sleep at night and it doesn't really hard anyone else, so be it, but when you have other people depending on you or attached to you in some way, then they have to be considered too, and not just in what's best for you right now!!

[mrmaximum]

 

Honest to goodness, if someone cheated on me, I would not blame them for not having confessed to me about it. Would it make them that much less credible? Yes,

 

This is what the deal is right there, communication is key here gang, not prolonging the relationship of it's own sake!!

[Ladyjane14]

I've always had mixed emotions about the question of "to tell or not to tell". I find it difficult to post on those threads because truly... it most often ends up ending the marriage, particularly in the case of female adulterers who are more stigmatized than their counterparts.

 

You know, people get killed over this sort of thing, more often women than men... and it's not right, but it happens.

I find I can't usually recommend it in good conscience because of that.

 

Anyway, I suppose it's all about what you're hoping to accomplish by confessing. If preservation of the marriage at all costs is the goal... then, why rock the boat?

But if FULL partnership is the goal... If the best possible emotional intimacy is the goal... then it seems counterproductive to withhold ANYTHING from your spouse.

 

There is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by telling of the affair after the fact. Nothing.

 

I disagree that there's "nothing positive to be gained". There are positives, they just come at a high price.

 

Often a wayward spouse is in crisis by the time they're able to 'rationalize' an affair. The betrayed spouse is just as often unaware of it. There are REAL problems at that point, and it takes TWO people acknowledging those problems and working together to get them solved. Now, I'm not talking about serial cheaters who feel 'entitled' to gratify themselves at all costs. I'm talking about the WS who's in trouble and coping with it ineffectively. THAT's the WS who needs help from their partner in order to become stabilized.

 

But if you have an affair and regret it - you get to hold that in ALONE.

 

Now how can you help a partner who's in crisis by leaving them to handle it "alone"???

 

I've got to tell you, I'm happy in my marriage today because when my partner was in trouble.... I walked through the fire to bring him out. And yeah... I got scorched. But I made it back, and better than I was before too.... and so did he.

The alternative was to stand back and watch him burn himself to a cinder.

 

It sucks to be the BS.

That's why I think each and every one should have a CHOICE on whether they want to continue in the relationship. It's hard work. It's painful, and there's nothing equitable about it.

 

But if your partner is an otherwise GOOD person who's reached an emotional crisis in life... you're talking about somebody who NEEDS help. Unfortunately, it's usually the BS with their head screwed on straight... so in opting for recovery, s/he takes on the bulk of the work until the WS is strong again.

 

There are a couple of other positives to be had. Confession 'burns the bridge' back to the affair. Once you've come clean with your spouse, it's hard to sneak around behind their back. For one thing, you've increased the odds on getting busted. For another, you've observed your spouse's pain and oftentimes reassured yourself of their commitment. You've decreased the temptation to act on the feelings of withdrawal from the affair addiction.

 

Another positive would be the opportunity to finally RESOLVE marital problems which might have contributed to the WS's choice to have an affair. You'd be surprised how many betrayed wives finally learn that sex is important to the marital relationship by dealing with the fallout of an affair, or how many husbands learn that they need to be emotionally responsive to their wives. It's a high cost to pay for problem-solving, but the genie can't be put back in the bottle on this anymore than it can be put back into the bottle on the affair itself. Once you KNOW a thing... you know it. And if what you know is 'how to communicate effectively to prevent problems'... you carry that knowledge forward every day.

 

There is also the matter of living an honest and authentic life. There's alot of anxiety for a WS who can't be honest. They're waiting always for 'the other shoe to drop'. There's a skeleton in their closet, a part of themselves which they must always hold back. They can NEVER trust that their partner loves them for who they are... because their partner is unaware of "who they are" at the core level. They're afraid they can never be fully loved.

 

It's not just about "guilt", it's about acceptance and it's about restitution. I think it's natural to want your partner to accept you for who you really are. And if you feel like you're not a good enough person because if they knew the facts they wouldn't want you, how can you ever become a "good enough person"? How can you repair a defect that you never were free to acknowledge? How can you evolve?

 

There's something WONDERFUL to be had in knowing another human being, warts and all, and accepting them as they are... as well as in allowing them to know you in the same way. When you can experience another person with acceptance, it's somehow easier to trust that YOU can be loved and accepted in the same way. You don't have to be perfect anymore in order to be worthy of love. You can be soul-to-soul with someone else and CREATE a whole new entity... the "couple", the "team".

 

This is where full recovery resides. And I have to admit, it's RARE. But when it happens, it's better than what you had before.

 

It's TRUE partnership, where both individuals strive to enable the 'couple entity', where both prioritize their partner as they would themselves. When it works... it's the most BEAUTIFUL thing and completely worthy of the emotional investment.

 

A 'team' cannot be successful if one individual is unhealthy. And just because one "sickens" doesn't mean they'll never get well. It's possible to nurse your partner along, to lend them your strength until they recover. If they're able to recover fully... the good ones are going to reciprocate that effort. And someday, they'll carry YOU along. That's what team-mates do.

[mrmaximum]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This can go back and forth like ping pong all day and the truth that most here know is that the worst thing one can do is actually have an affair but that isn’t the question here. OED, I will concede that you are Sug are not the minority here and that the general opinion here seems to be straight down the middle. I guess all we can do is communicate to our spouse the importance of being faithful and then what are beliefs are. Personally if you where to ever cheat on me, I don’t want to be with you, I can no longer trust you and that is paramount to me!! I don’t like the idea of living a lie with someone that I can no longer rely on to think about my best interest or the best interests of the relationship while I’m not around. I can do it for her; it’s obvious that she may not be able to do that for me!![/sIZE][/FONT]

[amerikajin]

I'm sure he uses that same viewpoint in ways he has dealt with personal situations in the past, but I bet he wouldn't like it too much if he was on the receiving end.

 

Yet his take on "maturity" is amusing under HIS "adultery should be legal" thread:

 

But hey, if I, as a man, want go shag some 24 year old secretary, why shouldn't I be allowed to? And hey, if a woman wants to get it on with someone else, she should be allowed to as well. People want sex, and sometimes they're going to want sex with other people outside their marriage/relationship - that's just, like, nature, you know!?

 

I guess that's what they call an "OPEN" marriage meaning BOTH partners agree to this behavior before marriage is set in stone. Apparently he hasn't had much luck in being able to woo another woman into his mode of thinking.

And btw after a long-term relationship or marriage in which you actually care or love your partner, I bet you will be thinking twice about sharing their love-spot with another man's dic#!

 

Americat,

 

Nice to see I've made such a positive impact on you. :p

 

I think you took that thread a bit too seriously. I don't actually engage in adultery, and though I can't predict the future, I don't expect to find myself in a situation in which I would, either. The point of that thread was to provoke thought, and I think someone has to consider the obvious when it comes to the modern marriage: for all of the lipservice we give about how wonderful it is to find "the one" and to stay committed to them, it would seem that our batting average when it comes to romantic commitment is pretty low. And my other theory is that it's probably always been like this, but the social stigma attached to divorce and, more importantly, the economic consequences for women, discouraged breakups. But seriously, if 60 percent of marriages fail, and we know that anywhere from 10 to 20 percent of those remaining marriages are weak, I think it's a fair question to ask: why not just keep the marriage for economic reasons and go have some fun on the side. Don't ask, don't tell.

[MySugaree]

Well put.

 

p.s. Good to see you still visit Salem once in a while - despite the occasional witch hunt.

 

 

What? And let you take the brunt of all this good cheer. No way, my friend. We burn together.

[amerikajin]

I completely agree with you. I've had many an opportunity to...diversify, but never indulged. It's not something I've ever done or ever will do to everyone involved. Affairs are like throwing a stone in the water. The ripple effect can be endless to all your loved ones.

 

In three generations, none of my family have ever been involved in something like this. No one within my extended family has even had a divorce for any reason. This is how I was raised. Congratulate me on being the first for both. Boy, did I pick a winner to commit to, lol.

 

People had their own private adventures even during the Victorian Age, though it was by far the men who were being the more adventurous. Men could cheat and the whole family would suspect it but as long as the man was discreet about it, there were few consequences. The women wanted to have flings, too, but the consequences of being found out could be harsh, and they were in no position to take care of themselves if the husband wanted to divorce them. Certainly nobody would feel sorry for the woman if she were caught cheating and hubby decided to, ahem, straighten her out in private. We idealize the past, but there was just as much infidelity then - maybe even more. It was just one of those things people didn't talk about.

[Ladyjane14]

It's the cheating itself that's either moral or immoral depending on your POV, isn't it? The action's already happened, despite whatever disclosure occurs after the fact.

 

I didn't see anything from the OP that led me to believe he thought cheating was okay. If anything, I would assume his argument that 'it's too painful for the betrayed spouse to be confronted with the infidelity' would be more representative of opposition to infidelity. I think we could assume a certain amount of morality in that case. Otherwise, a cheating spouse wouldn't be a viewed as painful. If 'f*cking whoever you want' is an okay behavior in your book... there's not much reason to cry if your spouse engages in it.

 

You know, a rattlesnake within striking distance is not less GONE just because you don't see it. The same can be said for deficits in monogamous relationships that allow a partner to rationalize betrayal of their partner. Those deficits are still there. I just can't see how a preference that the wayward partner deal with those deficits on their own has anything whatsoever to do with "morality".

 

IF we're talking about punishing a cheater for lacking morality, they aren't any less "punished" for being forced to walk their path alone.

[Romeo Must Die]

I'm pretty new here, but I've noticed that "coming clean" with your spouse about an affair is a pretty common recommendation. Well, I hate to be the fly in the ointment, but I couldn't possibly disagree more.

 

If you have an affair and, through your own volition, have decided to end the affair and concentrate on your marriage, chances are pretty good you're going to feel terribly guilty - and justifiably so. You're going to be told by people here that your spouse "needs to know" - that you should "come clean". No. That horrible empty feeling you have - that gnawing guilt eating away at the back of your head - that's your cross to bear.

 

The moment you unload your mistakes onto him or her, you've opened up their heart and forced them to carry your burden and share your misery and shame. You don't get to do that. The main reason people confess is that the guilt is eating them alive. That's just too bad.

 

If they find out - that's different

If you fall in love with someone else, don't want to work on your marriage and need a divorce - whatever

But if you have an affair and regret it - you get to hold that in ALONE.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share another take on a common piece of advice I see here. Any thoughts? Agree/disagree?

 

 

I am a BW. I have had lots and lots of thoughts about my husbands affair and have actually considered this (wishing I never knew that he held it in, or protected me from finding out) as an option in theory, but it doesnt really work. I couldnt stand it because it happened to me.

 

The only thing that means anything, or has any real value is the truth. Lying makes the FWS less of a person to that marriage. That means if FWS had an affair and didnt tell, it doesnt matter because FWS are not loyal to that marriage anyway. They just try to make it seem like the BS was bad and re-write history. It goes with the territory of cheating to lie and deceive every player to do this. Its the name of the game. Then lying becomes your life. Many WS are torn from this and Romeo was no exception.

 

Still, I had lots of thoughts about my husbands affair and your post was one of them at one time. I have considered how good my life would have been had I not known he cheated, but that is just a way to deflect (or sheild) from the pain. A happy daydream.

 

I would rather hear it from him than his xOW, but, he never told me. Like I had asked if there were photos taken of them he said no, but there were. When I asked, he denied it. I found out on my own because the wondering would not go away. The xOW also blew up on him and outted him on her D-day. They always say, "oh it wasn't like that" but you just don't know that, now do you?

 

So, I would say, what you don't know can hurt you.

 

A long time ago, there is a time when I didn't think an affair would hurt me, but I was very wrong about that. It did hurt me inside and out. The stain of it makes me sad but one that still remains even if they don't tell. Right. Because no matter how you try to change it it still hurts that person.

 

I also felt that if I never cheated on him, then he would never cheat on me, but I was wrong about that one too. I might have even believed once with all my heart and soul that my husband would never cheat on me. I cant remember that time anymore. That was a long time ago. Wink. Wink.

 

[MySugaree]

I am a BW. I have had lots and lots of thoughts about my husbands affair and have actually considered this (wishing I never knew that he held it in and protected me from finding out) as an option in theory, but it doesnt really work. I couldnt stand it because it happened to me.

 

The only thing that means anything, or has any real value is the truth. Lying makes the FWS less of a person to that marriage. That means if FWS had an affair and didnt tell, it doesnt matter because FWS are not loyal to that marriage anyway. They just try to make it seem like the BS was bad and re-write history. It goes with the territory of cheating to lie and deceive every player to do this. Its the name of the game. Then lying becomes your life. Many WS are torn from this and Romeo was no exception.

 

Still, I had lots of thoughts about my husbands affair and your post was one of them at one time. I have considered how HAPPY my life would have been had I not known he cheated, but that is just a way to deflect (or sheild) from the pain. A happy daydream.

 

I would rather hear it from him than his xOW, but, he never told me. Like I had asked if there were photos taken of them he said no, but there were. When I asked, he denied it. I found out on my own because the wondering would not go away. The xOW also blew up on him and outted him on her D-day. They always say, "oh it wasn't like that" but you just don't know that, now do you?

 

What you don't know can hurt you.

 

A long time ago, there is a time when I didn't think an affair would hurt me, but I was very wrong about that. It did hurt me inside and out. The stain of it makes me sad but one that still remains even if they don't tell. Right. Because no matter how you try to change it it still hurts.

 

I also felt that if I never cheated on him, then he would never cheat on me, but I was wrong about that one too. I might have even believed once with all my heart and soul that my husband would never cheat on me. I cant remember anymore. That was a long time ago. Wink. Wink.

 

 

Heart wrenching, and beautifully expressed. What can one say...

[amerikajin]

Look, I can understand that cheaters feel hurt, humiliated, betrayed - all of those things and then some. My father had at least one affair and the family suspects he might have had even one more that we didn't find out until after he died. I know something about how adultery feels, even though I saw it from the perspective of a son and not a spouse.

 

My dad got busted because he had a full on affair and it totally drove him away from our family. I've heard my mother talk about it from time to time, and although she is resentful for what he did, she was able to be at peace with herself in later years. And as someone who was indirectly injured by it, I've moved on myself.

 

The fact is, he had issues before he got married and my mother married him knowing he had those foibles. But she hoped she could change him, just as a lot of naive women do. She overlooked his faults because he had a charm, an intellect and he was a handsome guy. He was also 16 years her senior, so I guess she enjoyed the sort of paternal aspect of the relationship on a subconscious level. But my dad was fighting depression and substance abuse, and his first wife had died just a few months before they met. He was in no shape to get married and despite my mother's attraction to him, I think she probably knew that.

 

It should have come as no surprise that they ended up drifting apart as his behavior became more erratic. Likewise, an affair should not have been entirely unanticipated. Does that make it right? Of course not. But the point I'm making is here, a lot of people on LS like to pretend that affairs happen in a vacuum; that there is no context surrounding the affair, and thus, the adulterer is automatically vilified as someone who has destroyed the sacrament of marriage. I find that to be an overly simplistic and destructive approach to finding out what went wrong in the relationship.

 

Without question, cheating is wrong - I would demand accountability from my spouse and I certainly would expect no less of anyone I'm with. However, given the discourse I've seen on threads like these, where people have been conditioned to debase the status of adulterers in the grand tradition of Hester Prynne, I can understand why some people might be more than a bit trepid about spilling the beans, particularly if they honestly believe in their heart of hearts that it was a mistake that won't be repeated (two reasonable people can respectfully disagree on this point, I think).

 

It is obvious that most of us are influenced by an absolutist form of morality, in which "truth" plays an important role. We have been conditioned to believe that marriage is contingent upon "truth" in an absolute sense, and I generally agree with that...I just question whether it should be based on the absolute ideal of true romantic love. I think that most of us have bought into a powerful form of propaganda that prevails in our society, in which we hold up romantic love as an ideal - an ideal that probably 80 percent of all marriages fall well short of. Maybe the ideal itself is not exactly an honest reflection of how human nature works.