Remorseful cheaters: do not "come clean" with your spouse.

[LuckyStar26]

I have never been married but my previous relationship lasted for 13 years and ended in him being unfaithful.

 

He didn't tell me, I found out about the A. The thing is, our relationship had dwindled anyway and our time toegther had run its course. I think we would have ended up parting company that year anyway so in hindsight, I wish I had NEVER found out about the A because at least then, we could have gone our seperate ways and I could have looked back fondly at the good times that we shared together, rather than with bitterness and betrayal. (He would never have told me about the A if I hadn't found out, and I only found out by accident)

 

The thing is, not only has his A left a nasty taste in my mouth in regard to how false I now feel my relationship with my Ex was, but it has also enforced in me an un-repairable lack of trust in the faithfulness of the male species in general.

 

So... in my own personal experience, no, I would rather not be informed about an affair, but as with everything in life, all situations are different.

[MySugaree]

Something about adultery makes LS the online version of pogrom night.

 

Look, I can understand that cheaters feel hurt, humiliated, betrayed - all of those things and then some. My father had at least one affair and the family suspects he might have had even one more that we didn't find out until after he died. I know something about how adultery feels, even though I saw it from the perspective of a son and not a spouse.

 

My dad got busted because he had a full on affair and it totally drove him away from our family. I've heard my mother talk about it from time to time, and although she is resentful for what he did, she was able to be at peace with herself in later years. And as someone who was indirectly injured by it, I've moved on myself.

 

The fact is, he had issues before he got married and my mother married him knowing he had those foibles. But she hoped she could change him, just as a lot of naive women do. She overlooked his faults because he had a charm, an intellect and he was a handsome guy. He was also 16 years her senior, so I guess she enjoyed the sort of paternal aspect of the relationship on a subconscious level. But my dad was fighting depression and substance abuse, and his first wife had died just a few months before they met. He was in no shape to get married and despite my mother's attraction to him, I think she probably knew that.

 

It should have come as no surprise that they ended up drifting apart as his behavior became more erratic. Likewise, an affair should not have been entirely unanticipated. Does that make it right? Of course not. But the point I'm making is here, a lot of people on LS like to pretend that affairs happen in a vacuum; that there is no context surrounding the affair, and thus, the adulterer is automatically vilified as someone who has destroyed the sacrament of marriage. I find that to be an overly simplistic and destructive approach to finding out what went wrong in the relationship.

 

Without question, cheating is wrong - I would demand accountability from my spouse and I certainly would expect no less of anyone I'm with. However, given the discourse I've seen on threads like these, where people have been conditioned to debase the status of adulterers in the grand tradition of Hester Prynne, I can understand why some people might be more than a bit trepid about spilling the beans, particularly if they honestly believe in their heart of hearts that it was a mistake that won't be repeated (two reasonable people can respectfully disagree on this point, I think).

 

It is obvious that most of us are influenced by an absolutist form of morality, in which "truth" plays an important role. We have been conditioned to believe that marriage is contingent upon "truth" in an absolute sense, and I generally agree with that...I just question whether it should be based on the absolute ideal of true romantic love. I think that most of us have bought into a powerful form of propaganda that prevails in our society, in which we hold up romantic love as an ideal - an ideal that probably 80 percent of all marriages fall well short of. Maybe the ideal itself is not exactly an honest reflection of how human nature works.

 

You've not lost your touch, your voice or your wisdom, my friend. I've said this before, and I'll say it again, start a blog. I'll read it with pleasure.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Anyway, I just wanted to share another take on a common piece of advice I see here. Any thoughts? Agree/disagree?

 

I'm of a different school of thought. Particularly when one is in a relationship and the decisions and/or choices made are no longer just about the "individual," but have a profound effect on the dynamics of that relationship and the well-being of the 'other' person(s) involved. Then again, I'm very much a team player when it comes to relationships and I'm not of the "me, me, me" mindset.

 

I don't believe I have the right to make choices for my partner without his input or consent. I don't get to lie by omission or withhold important information from him and decide what he can handle or can't handle. After all, he's an adult, not a child. I don't get to control his right to make an informed choice for himself whether or not he remains in a relationship with me. I don't get to "control" his life and his choices by fraudulent means for my own selfish gain. I'm his equal, not his keeper. And while I have a right to be as reckless as I want with my own body … I do not have the right to jeopardize his health by exposing him to the same risks without affording him an equal opportunity to do what he needs to do to protect himself.

 

The moment you unload your mistakes onto him or her, you've opened up their heart and forced them to carry your burden and share your misery and shame. You don't get to do that. The main reason people confess is that the guilt is eating them alive. That's just too bad.

 

That would be the equivalent of the coward's cop out, to me. You see … what I "don't get to do" is screw up so royally at his expense in the first place, and burden him with the consequences of my selfish blunders. No "shame" on his part if it's something stupid I've done. And he gets to decide whether or not he can live with someone who has so thoughtlessly betrayed his trust. And he gets to decide whether or not I'm worth it to him to remain in our relationship under those circumstances. I don't get to rob him of his free will and choice just because I'm afraid he'll leave me and I can't bare the guilt and shame of knowing it was my own fault. Or because I'll feel embarrassed if I have to explain to family and friends why our relationship ended. Or because I fear the financial repercussions and the loss of benefits my relationship with him has provided. I forfeit the privilege to all that the moment I decide it's worth gambling away on a risky bet.

 

And that's why most people don't come clean with their partners. Because they worry if actually given a choice, their partners may decide the relationship is no longer of any value to them. Just because *I* may have changed my mind about wanting to reinvest myself in the relationship, doesn't mean I get to do so by further manipulating my partner through dishonest means and continuing to promote a phony package.

 

Then again, I'm the type of person that wouldn't feel good about gaining acceptance and love from someone if it were disingenuous. If what they loved about me was the 'illusion' I perpetuated rather that the real human being. It just wouldn't feel gratifying or deserved. And having to trick someone into wanting to be with me would make me feel more embarrassed and ashamed of myself than anything.

[Trialbyfire]

People had their own private adventures even during the Victorian Age, though it was by far the men who were being the more adventurous. Men could cheat and the whole family would suspect it but as long as the man was discreet about it, there were few consequences. The women wanted to have flings, too, but the consequences of being found out could be harsh, and they were in no position to take care of themselves if the husband wanted to divorce them. Certainly nobody would feel sorry for the woman if she were caught cheating and hubby decided to, ahem, straighten her out in private. We idealize the past, but there was just as much infidelity then - maybe even more. It was just one of those things people didn't talk about.

You can't possibly understand the full extent of the open communication style of my family. When this hit the fan, they pulled together for me and all three generations discussed the times they were tempted but didn't succumb. There were many nights where we sat up late talking about this with plenty of tears shed over it. I think it was eye-opening for everyone. They're the best family a person could ask for. Not perfect, but to me they have my utmost respect and love. I think you might want to reconsider your comments...

[Trialbyfire]

Wow, there has been some amazing input from members within this thread. Impressive.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

Funny how the original poster who started the thread has not responded to others comment.

Boy with a condescending attitude that he started out with,its no wonder his wife bloody well cheated on him.

 

Two thing on that. First, the reason I abandoned this thread temporarily is that Trialbyfire really p*ssed me off. It's one thing to have your opinion (I welcome that, hell it's in my signature), it's another thing entirely to have your own opinion and tell someone of a different frame of mind that they are stupid for having their own, different take. I flew off the handle at TBF because I responded too quickly and felt blindsided by an undeserved backhanded insult, and I gave her a knee-jerk response. I am ashamed of how I responded, and I apologize to TBF.

 

Second, in regards to your comment, some people do not eat, sleep, and breathe while logged onto message boards. When was my last post? Last night around 6:00 pm my time. Call me crazy, but in the evening I like to spend time with my wife and children, get a couple projects around the house done, and read a bit before going to bed. Maybe if YOU spent a little more time unplugged from the web, YOUR spouse wouldn't have cheated on you. I'm be facetious of course - I don't know anything about you - but that's the point I'm trying to make.

 

You think I'm condescending? That's your right to feel that way. I disagree. Frankly I find it a little condescending of you to judge me because my views apparently don't tow the line of the majority here, and that's my right to feel that about you.

 

I think there have been a lot of anecdotal cases cited here that should be addressed individually, and many don't fit the profile of the case I am/was making. The situation I was referring to was the remorseful cheater (it's in the thread title) who is not a serial offender.

 

On another note:

amerikajin has repeatedly made reference to a situation that I think deserves more attention, perhaps a thread of its very own - infidelity never happens in a void, and while inexcusable, blame can virtually always be assigned to both of the parties, both the betrayed and the betrayer. When my wife cheated on me, I appeared at first to have come out of the blue. With counseling, much talk, and a temporary separation, the factors leading to the infidelity became more and more clear. I had withdrawn from the marriage and was shutting out communication. My situation is out of place in this thread, but suffice to say that it later became clear to me that our marriage had problems for months, possibly years before the affair happened. We had both been to blame, and we fixed our marriage with that in mind. If you refuse to see your role (as the betrayed spouse) in the disintegration of the marriage and place all the blame on the dirty, rotten, filthy cheater, then I can guarantee you that things will never improve. Moreover, the personality trait of refusing to accept at least a portion of the responsibility for a catastrophic relationship event that appears to be the fault of your partner, then future relationships are doomed to failure as well - unless you modify your own behavior. It took me a while to modify my behavior, and it was hard, but I think I accomplished it.

[amerikajin]

You can't possibly understand the full extent of the open communication style of my family. When this hit the fan, they pulled together for me and all three generations discussed the times they were tempted but didn't succumb. There were many nights where we sat up late talking about this with plenty of tears shed over it. I think it was eye-opening for everyone. They're the best family a person could ask for. Not perfect, but to me they have my utmost respect and love. I think you might want to reconsider your comments...

 

I apologize if you perceived it as an attack on your family; it certainly wasn't meant as such, though I probably could have done a better job of wording it.

 

I guess it was a reaction on my part to something I've heard/read before. People tend to ascribe to generations past a certain piety that supposedly has faded with time. There is no evidence of this, though. Even in the age of our country's most socially restrictive periods, there were thriving red light districts. They were illegal but the cops looked the other way, and they were on the 'wrong' side of town so that people could slip into the cover of darkness without scandal. But the red light district was for men only - women had to stay home, keep the kids and clean the house. Those were private matters - always. That's also probably another key reason why divorce rates were quite low then, too; nobody would have wanted their dirty laundry exposed in a time when people were publicly living a life of sanctity.

 

Your parents and grandparents were probably well matched - which is something a lot of couples today aren't. So many people get into relationships with the wrong people, and for the wrong reasons. But sometimes, even when you are matched in the beginning, there is no guarantee that parity will exist 5 or 10 years into the relationship. The dynamic changes, and people have to change together. I can think of maybe 5 or 6 couples I know where adultery has been a factor in their relationship, and not a single one of them should have been a surprise. There were problems early on in the relationship and they exploded out of control. The affair was not the cause of the breakup, but rather the symptom of the disease. I think far too often, people get the two confused.

[outofdarkness]

I'm pretty new here, but I've noticed that "coming clean" with your spouse about an affair is a pretty common recommendation. Well, I hate to be the fly in the ointment, but I couldn't possibly disagree more.

 

If you have an affair and, through your own volition, have decided to end the affair and concentrate on your marriage, chances are pretty good you're going to feel terribly guilty - and justifiably so. You're going to be told by people here that your spouse "needs to know" - that you should "come clean". No. That horrible empty feeling you have - that gnawing guilt eating away at the back of your head - that's your cross to bear.

 

The moment you unload your mistakes onto him or her, you've opened up their heart and forced them to carry your burden and share your misery and shame. You don't get to do that. The main reason people confess is that the guilt is eating them alive. That's just too bad.

 

If they find out - that's different

If you fall in love with someone else, don't want to work on your marriage and need a divorce - whatever

But if you have an affair and regret it - you get to hold that in ALONE.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share another take on a common piece of advice I see here. Any thoughts? Agree/disagree?

I can sort of see both points of view on this ...as a BW...Thanks for your thoughts...it's always interesting to see differing points of view...

[amerikajin]

The thing is, not only has his A left a nasty taste in my mouth in regard to how false I now feel my relationship with my Ex was, but it has also enforced in me an un-repairable lack of trust in the faithfulness of the male species in general.

 

I think that this is one of the most destructive aspects of cheating, and it's one reason why I don't do it - despite my being an LS gadfly.

 

Even so, I know I can't predict the future. Who's to say that 15 years into my marriage, I don't get to a point where my wife and I don't communicate and I hook up with some lady on a business trip in a moment of weakness. How I would handle that, I don't honestly know. I hope I never compromise myself so that I have to find out.

[lorr]

Two thing on that. First, the reason I abandoned this thread temporarily is that Trialbyfire really p*ssed me off. It's one thing to have your opinion (I welcome that, hell it's in my signature), it's another thing entirely to have your own opinion and tell someone of a different frame of mind that they are stupid for having their own, different take. I flew off the handle at TBF because I responded too quickly and felt blindsided by an undeserved backhanded insult, and I gave her a knee-jerk response. I am ashamed of how I responded, and I apologize to TBF.

 

Second, in regards to your comment, some people do not eat, sleep, and breathe while logged onto message boards. When was my last post? Last night around 6:00 pm my time. Call me crazy, but in the evening I like to spend time with my wife and children, get a couple projects around the house done, and read a bit before going to bed. Maybe if YOU spent a little more time unplugged from the web, YOUR spouse wouldn't have cheated on you. I'm be facetious of course - I don't know anything about you - but that's the point I'm trying to make.

 

You think I'm condescending? That's your right to feel that way. I disagree. Frankly I find it a little condescending of you to judge me because my views apparently don't tow the line of the majority here, and that's my right to feel that about you.

 

I think there have been a lot of anecdotal cases cited here that should be addressed individually, and many don't fit the profile of the case I am/was making. The situation I was referring to was the remorseful cheater (it's in the thread title) who is not a serial offender.

 

On another note:

amerikajin has repeatedly made reference to a situation that I think deserves more attention, perhaps a thread of its very own - infidelity never happens in a void, and while inexcusable, blame can virtually always be assigned to both of the parties, both the betrayed and the betrayer. When my wife cheated on me, I appeared at first to have come out of the blue. With counseling, much talk, and a temporary separation, the factors leading to the infidelity became more and more clear. I had withdrawn from the marriage and was shutting out communication. My situation is out of place in this thread, but suffice to say that it later became clear to me that our marriage had problems for months, possibly years before the affair happened. We had both been to blame, and we fixed our marriage with that in mind. If you refuse to see your role (as the betrayed spouse) in the disintegration of the marriage and place all the blame on the dirty, rotten, filthy cheater, then I can guarantee you that things will never improve. Moreover, the personality trait of refusing to accept at least a portion of the responsibility for a catastrophic relationship event that appears to be the fault of your partner, then future relationships are doomed to failure as well - unless you modify your own behavior. It took me a while to modify my behavior, and it was hard, but I think I accomplished it.

 

Your damn right, you do not know anything about me, and I don't know anything about you, and yes although everyone's entitled to their opinion, it was the expletives that stood out in your thread against someone who was merely expressing their opinion.What sense does it make getting "p*ssed" of with Trialbyfire and where in this thread did she suggest that your views were "stupid". You really need to just chill.

[amerikajin]

Your damn right, you do not know anything about me, and I don't know anything about you, and yes although everyone's entitled to their opinion, it was the expletives that stood out in your thread against someone who was merely expressing their opinion.What sense does it make getting "p*ssed" of with Trialbyfire and where in this thread did she suggest that your views were "stupid". You really need to just chill.

 

I think there was a tone in TBF's response that set him off. I think he also overreacted, but I think there was initially a misunderstanding between the two and it spiralled out of control a bit. Hopefully everyone can get back on track.

[Trialbyfire]

OED, this is a subject that is painful for both of us. That we disagree on it will be where we'll leave it. I have to admit that I was a little shocked that you took my comments as a personal attack on your intelligence level. If you look back on the comments, they were far more generalized than might have originally been thought.

 

amerikajin, I do understand that people change in a long-term relationship, particularly when the relationship began when the partipants were young or poorly communicated with each other. I'll only say that in my situation, there was clear communication of needs and wants and that my ex made a personal choice to continue thrill-seeking. He was addicted to being a player. This addiction was the only serious character flaw that he had. Beyond that, we connected on every single level you could possibly imagine. It was incredible while it lasted. Too bad it was only a dream that turned into a nightmare.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

Your damn right, you do not know anything about me, and I don't know anything about you, and yes although everyone's entitled to their opinion, it was the expletives that stood out in your thread against someone who was merely expressing their opinion.What sense does it make getting "p*ssed" of with Trialbyfire and where in this thread did she suggest that your views were "stupid". You really need to just chill.

 

I think you need to reread your own quote here and figure out exactly who needs to "chill". I apologize for my reaction to TBF, it was an overreaction. If she wants to insult me, I shouldn't stoop and fire back with my own attacks. As I said, I'm ashamed of my reaction.

 

Where did she insult me? Read:

 

Then we shall agree to disagree. I'm a huge proponent of knowledge. Full disclosure helps with decision-making. For me, a marriage doesn't exist if it's not real. Sorry but I had to have the knowledge to make my decisions, as should any thinking person. The ostrich technique rarely works for anyone because sooner or later the truth will hit the fan regardless. Imagine finding out about it 30 years later. Can you imagine the pain? Food for thought.

 

"as should any thinking person". What, exactly, does that imply about the counter-opinion (me)? Take your time.

[mrmaximum]

Ladyjane, you are THE BOMB!! You got burned and got past it (which is probably more than I can say for me) and you still tell it straight!! Your earlier post nailed it right on the head why you can't keep betrayal to yourself!! Once again you cut right to the matter!!

 

Cheers!!

[Trialbyfire]

lorr, it isn't worth it. OED will believe whatever he wants to believe. I think it's a matter of the issue being sensitive and misplaced hostility being expressed. Pride and pain does funny things to people where containing it sometimes leads to damage from within, as opposed to venting on the object of their hurt and pain.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

lorr, it isn't worth it. OED will believe whatever he wants to believe. I think it's a matter of the issue being sensitive and misplaced hostility being expressed. Pride and pain does funny things to people where containing it sometimes leads to damage from within, as opposed to venting on the object of their hurt and pain.

 

I apologized to you and explained why I was offended, as well as stated that I was ashamed of my reaction. A rational person would recognize that and accept my apology. I'm sorry you won't see it that way. Do you have a history of accepting apologies? Does this play a role in your presence here? I'm here to help, if you'll let me.

[amerikajin]

amerikajin, I do understand that people change in a long-term relationship, particularly when the relationship began when the partipants were young or poorly communicated with each other. I'll only say that in my situation, there was clear communication of needs and wants and that my ex made a personal choice to continue thrill-seeking. He was addicted to being a player. This addiction was the only serious character flaw that he had. Beyond that, we connected on every single level you could possibly imagine. It was incredible while it lasted. Too bad it was only a dream that turned into a nightmare.

 

There are indeed some situations when a guy gets greedy for greed's sake. A long time ago I was in the trade association business and I had to work with a government regulator on things from time to time. He was a likeable guy to have as a drinking buddy, but that's about as far as his likeability went; he was a complete scum to his wife, and the thing is, his wife knew this before they even met - in fact, she was one of his many mistresses no less. What I don't understand is, if she knew this going into the marriage, why is she so stunned about after they tie the knot? Sure, "cheating's immoral", but I put that type of victimization in the same category as, say, someone actually responding to one of those Nigerian e-mail bank scams. It just defies common sense to think that you're not being set up in this situation.

 

I am not applying the example above to your situation, though. I guess you just picked the wrong guy, and that sucks. I will say, though, that in my experience, it is very rare for one person to be responsible for 100 percent of the blame when a relationship fails.

 

I commend the OP for having the courage and the integrity to look at himself as well as the actions of his wife. Doing this does not let her off the hook, but it acknowledges that there might be at least some responsibility on his part for why they drifted apart. I don't see him going to the other extreme and blaming himself disproportionately, either. I think he is just trying to get to the root of what ails his relationship, and that is something so many people just don't want to do.

 

Very rarely is the cheating itself the reason a marriage fails - despite the insistence by the offended party that it is. I think the fact that someone is the victim of an affair in far too many cases allows the aggrieved spouse to assume a fallacious sense of higher moral ground, and in many situations, they refuse to look at their own behavior. Cheating is an untruth which leads to more distortion on both sides. I think that is one of the natural consequences of cheating, and a big reason why cheating is such a terrible way to fix marital problems.

[Trialbyfire]

There are indeed some situations when a guy gets greedy for greed's sake. A long time ago I was in the trade association business and I had to work with a government regulator on things from time to time. He was a likeable guy to have as a drinking buddy, but that's about as far as his likeability went; he was a complete scum to his wife, and the thing is, his wife knew this before they even met - in fact, she was one of his many mistresses no less. What I don't understand is, if she knew this going into the marriage, why is she so stunned about after they tie the knot? Sure, "cheating's immoral", but I put that type of victimization in the same category as, say, someone actually responding to one of those Nigerian e-mail bank scams. It just defies common sense to think that you're not being set up in this situation.

 

I am not applying the example above to your situation, though. I guess you just picked the wrong guy, and that sucks. I will say, though, that in my experience, it is very rare for one person to be responsible for 100 percent of the blame when a relationship fails.

 

I commend the OP for having the courage and the integrity to look at himself as well as the actions of his wife. Doing this does not let her off the hook, but it acknowledges that there might be at least some responsibility on his part for why they drifted apart. I don't see him going to the other extreme and blaming himself disproportionately, either. I think he is just trying to get to the root of what ails his relationship, and that is something so many people just don't want to do.

 

Very rarely is the cheating itself the reason a marriage fails - despite the insistence by the offended party that it is. I think the fact that someone is the victim of an affair in far too many cases allows the aggrieved spouse to assume a fallacious sense of higher moral ground, and in many situations, they refuse to look at their own behavior. Cheating is an untruth which leads to more distortion on both sides. I think that is one of the natural consequences of cheating, and a big reason why cheating is such a terrible way to fix marital problems.

It is a rare situation and something that shocked everyone around us. No one had any idea that he was this type of person either. We were what some people called, the perfect match for each other.

 

Although I had an inkling of something amiss when I could sense some withdrawal and differences in his responses. It's what made me start looking and bingo, found the first goose egg. From there, it was a veritable font of lies, until the whole thing unravelled. Apparently serial cheaters also are remorseful, or so I've been given to understand.

 

As for moral highground, sorry but that's a given. Morality is the crux of this matter. If you have the balls to do something about your unhappiness by making an honest effort and then leaving if it's irreconcilable, it's a substantially higher moral ground than allowing yourself to stoop to cheating. If you lose the morality in a marriage, you lose your integrity.

[mrmaximum]

As for moral highground, sorry but that's a given. Morality is the crux of this matter. If you have the balls to do something about your unhappiness by making an honest effort and then leaving if it's irreconcilable, it's a substantially higher moral ground than allowing yourself to stoop to cheating. If you lose the morality in a marriage, you lose your integrity.

 

And that should be put on a plaque and hung above the mantle!! If one cheats and then doesn't tell the spouse, wouldn't that constitue lying by omission? Just a question.

[Ladyjane14]

The situation I was referring to was the remorseful cheater (it's in the thread title) who is not a serial offender.

 

This is kind of the point I was trying to make earlier. I'm of the opinion that it's actually the "remorseful cheater" who is the MOST in need of forgiveness and acceptance. The remorseful cheater is filled with self-loathing every time s/he interacts in what might earlier have been a positive way before the infidelity occurred. They can't reestablish REAL emotional intimacy because they're fully aware of a debt which needs paying before they can feel worthy of that closeness. They're no longer on equal footing with their partner.

 

Enigma is 100% correct... (although I'm never surprised by it ) ... in the idea that the remorseful cheater has disappointed himself. He's not the guy he thought he was. His virtue is stained. And somehow, he's got to come to terms with that and redeem himself.

 

It's an act of compassion, love, and acceptance when we stand behind him while he faces the 'man in the mirror'. In this, we help him to carry his burdens. We allow him to pay his "debt" and be redeemed, an equal more in the relationship. We prove to him that he is indeed worthy of love so he can love himself again.

 

Not everyone is deserving of a second chance. But the ones who are, can make us glad we gave that chance to them. The genuinely remorseful cheater is looking for ways to fix the mess he's made, as well as to address the lack of coping skills that opened him up to cheating to begin with. His burden is heavy if he has to carry it alone.

 

 

 

 

 

(.... Thanks for the kind words, MrMax. )

[Trialbyfire]

And that should be put on a plaque and hung above the mantle!! If one cheats and then doesn't tell the spouse, wouldn't that constitue lying by omission? Just a question.

Thanks mm.

 

However you want to term it, it's all part of the deception of an affair or multiple affairs.

 

"My needs way, way before your needs or our needs".

[Scrivdog]

The morality issue is interesting here on LS. A cheater is always scum because the rules regarding cheating are crystal clear. Women who withhold sex from their husbands and who are unpleasant for the most part at home are causing great harm but they're breaking no rules, really.

 

As a result the cheater is always scum. The BS is given a free pass. I think that's why a cheater spilling his/her guts here is going to face nothing but finger pointing and admonishment.

 

Being accused of being selfish for not divorcing is absurd as is the notion that he/she can just apply more elbowgrease to the marriage and somehow it'll work.

 

These threads have outlined the problems over and over again. Spouses run a high risk of cheating when they're no longer treated as a spouse. With infidelity rates hovering at 70%, it seems unlikely that 7 out of 10 people are scum.

[Trialbyfire]

scrivdog, again I'm going to ask you, what have you experienced with cheating?

[michelangelo]

If you've cheated and been sneaky enough to get away with it, I'm thinking it would be relatively easy to deadpan a question. Pose this to your spouse:

 

"If a situation were to arise, you know, if I were to cheat, would you want to know about it?"

 

Yes, you'd have to stage up to the asking of the question, but given how if you've already cheated, I'm sure someone who has cheated can construct a way to pose the question.

 

The, based on your spouse's answer to the question, you know what you must do.

[Scrivdog]

Sorry, TBF, your question got lost in the fast moving thread.

 

When I first signed on here at LS, I explained that yes, I am a cheater. I have had a few affairs. I'm currently seeing someone on the side somewhat infrequently, but occasionally nonetheless.

 

scrivdog, again I'm going to ask you, what have you experienced with cheating?