breaking up with best friend

[dialated]

Last night my girlfriend (if you can call her that) and I split up after 7 months of dating and almost 4 years of friendship (bestfriends.) The problem was/is that she could not give herself to me in an emotional sense. We were sexually active, we talked on the phone for hours, and we did EVERYTHING together.

 

She knew all along that I was "in love" with her, and she would always tell me how she loved me and how important and meaningful I was in her life. But, she has commitment issues and could not offer me the emotional relationship neccessary in a developing relationship.

 

I was fine with this for the last 7 months. I told her I would never ask more of her than she could give, but we both knew that this wouldn't last forever in this state of stagnation. So after 7 months I told her that I could no longer be physical with her without the emotional----despite the fact that we consider each other to be one of our best friends for the last 4 years.

 

We had (have) an intense friendship and we also had a wonderful romantic relationship, but she could not combine the two. I am not sure why, but that is her business.

 

Right now I am hollow. I am writing this as i look at my phone and my tears are heavy that she won't be calling , nor will I be calling her.

 

She was my best friend long before we became romantic, and now I have lost both. I told her that I don't know how to remain friends when I want more of her. She was content with the relationship we had....but without the emotional availability; and I wasn't. I love her too much to settle and I feel that if nothing changed within 7 months then nothing would.

 

I don't know how to even attempt being her friend now. I think it would be different if we had a messy or angry breakup; or even a problem that we couldn't solve. But we both still do love each other---it's just that I am "in love" with her and she just "loves" me.

 

I am sick with the prospect of losing her, equally as a lover and as a friend.....

[midori]

I'm so sorry you're in this state. It's terribly difficult and awful. Many of us have been there.

 

Originally posted by dialated

I am sick with the prospect of losing her, equally as a lover and as a friend.....

 

I'm sorry but I don't think you're facing the "prospect of losing her," because I don't think you ever had her to begin with.

 

Which means that there's nothing you can do to stop this. This is just the facade falling away. You entered into a romantic relationship with her hoping that time and the experience of being with you would put her more at ease, make her more willing to open up to you. But you've been proved wrong.

 

I think you're right, that she has major problems with total emotional intimacy. A lot of people do. That's something they have to work out their own way, in their own time. The only thing you can do to help (her and yourelf) is to recognize things for what they are: she cannot give you what you want. People with commitment problems need to see that until they address their underlying issues, they are never going to have fully satisfying relationships. They need to be left alone so that they can figure out why they put up walls to keep people out. As long as you're even on the periphery of her life, willing her to take down the walls, she won't -- you'll be giving her reason to keep them up.

 

Something in her wants to keep people out, no matter how good they are, no matter how much she cares for them. You can't sort that out for her. She has to, when and if she gets to the point where doing so becomes essential to her.

[Tony T]

As painful as it is, your relationship with this lady would have never been as fulfilling as you require because she is simply not capable. Chances are very good that every relationship she's had with a man in her adult life has been similar.

 

I'm sure you love to be with her, she's lots of fun, but while great at the time these encounters leave you with an empty feeling at the end of the day.

 

You are very correct that she has a deep fear of intimate relationships, which started either from a traumatic emotional situation or abandonment as a child to a very difficult break-up as an adult. It could take her a very long time, if ever, to trust the love of another again enough to connect with them in an emotionally intimate way. The space she leaves there is her protection against hurt in the future.

 

It's great that you have recognized your problem, properly diagnosed it, and chose the best path for yourself. I hope this doesn't happen to you again because when when you really love somebody and have a great relationship except that they don't connect with you in that all important emotional way...it's a real bitch!

[dialated]

Hmmm....I was hoping that someone would reply and then i would be able to say "Hah...you're wrong, that's not it at all", but you both have hit the nail on the head. She would always tell me that I helped her face her fears and insecurities....but as I told her, never enough for change. She wants to try and remain friends...as do I, but I know that is both impossible and impracticle. I guess now my question is: Why do I always seem to get involved with women like this---not the first time. Why do I need the "challenge". Every girl I have been with has the same attitude...."you're great, perfect, sweet, etc...---but I am not ready" UGH!

[Tony T]

We attract people into our lives who reflect our own energy. It could be that you, yourself, have fear of intimacy issues and are not in touch with them. It's a lot easier to live on blaming others when the problem lies within.

 

For some reason, you are finding these emtionally empty relationships stimulating. Could be you're just a gambler, hoping they will turn around...and they never really do.

 

Your assignment for the year is to find out, for your ownself, exactly why these kinds of ladies are finding their way to your door.

[katy_katt]

You can still be friends, it just takes a little (or maybe even a lot of) time.

 

I have been in this situation before (although from the opposite end) and I stopped it before either of us could get involved with each other sexually. I thought we could remain friends, but found I had to stop it for good, at least for a little while...to give him time to get over me. And even though I missed his friendship a lot, I knew that waiting for the right time to continue it was the best thing to do for the both of us. A couple of weeks ago I talked to him after a long stint apart and it's as though nothing had changed in our friendship, which was really nice. We sat and talked for hours, catching up on the things that had been happening to each of us while we were apart, and what we are doing now. Trying to be friends shortly after deciding not to become so involved with each other probably would have just made things messier.

 

Just give it some time, maybe a couple of weeks, maybe even a few months. You will both be able to heal and then pick up your friendship where you left off.