Should I allow my girlfriend to go to a dance with another guy?

[deadxheaven]

I have a timely situation which I desperately need some feedback and advice. Any comments and suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Please keep in mind, however, that this has a deadline because the dance is Saturday, March 17th and I need to have some answers before that week.

 

My online girlfriend of three months informed me in February that her best friend's cousin (let's call him Chad) had asked her to be his date at this dance being held March 17th. Her best friend (let's call her Angel) only associates with people who she actually knows in person. My girlfriend does not want to introduce any unnecessary complications into our relationship if her best friend were to disapprove of her being involved with someone who is online. Therefore, Angel and Chad have no clue that my girlfriend isn't single, and are clueless regarding the strain they are putting on our relationship.

 

In February, my girlfriend showed me the online conversation she had where Chad asked her to the dance in March and his words were "you're going to be my date". In her reply she tried to get out of it by suggesting that he ask someone else such as this girl she knew he liked, but then her best friend Angel (who happened to be over at her cousin's house) came on his screename speaking on behalf of him and basically pressured my girlfriend by saying "why are you telling him no when he at least had the balls to ask you... he asked a girl out once before and she rejected him - don't you do that to him too"

 

So my girlfriend felt obligated and forced to agree to go to the dance with Chad. I expressed to my girlfriend that I was upset over this because it just doesn't seem right or proper for a boyfriend to allow his girlfriend to go on a date with another guy. We got into a very serious disagreement which had to be settled over the phone but it concluded with her telling me she just wouldn't go, when the time came she would come up with some excuse, and we left it at that.

 

Now it's March and the dance is just weeks away (the 17th to be exact), and it seems that previous resolution to the situation we had has all but been forgotten because once again the topic of her going to the dance came up the other night for a different reason. She just casually told me she'd probably see this other friend of Angel's at the dance. (who hit on her indirectly by a comment to a picture of Angel, my girlfriend, and another girl posted on Angel's MySpace, saying how Angel's BFF was sexy and he's" gonna bang that..some day"...

 

Of course, that got resolved with both Angel and my girlfriend upset about it and Angel spoke to her friend about how he was out of line with that) but once again I am confronted with the fact that my girlfriend is still mentioning the dance. I had thought she wasn't going to go, but she then explained to me that she is still going to go to this dance with Chad. She claims we never really decided if it was okay for her to go or not. I recall that I had made it pretty clear I didn't want her to go, but she somehow doesn't remember this.

 

My girlfriend and Chad have a bit of a history together. Two years ago, when I was just friends with my girlfriend she told me how she thought she had feelings for Chad and she was going to see if she liked him. One afternoon while chatting to her, she told me how on Saturday while at Angel's she shared to me and implied she had did things with Chad, phrased in her words, "to make a long story short, touch touch, flirt flirt, touch touch"... whether this implies that they made out or what is unclear to me and she barely recalls it. I had to even prove to her she had even done such a thing with Chad by finding the online conversation with her telling me about it and showing her.

 

Also, recently as of the last few months, my girlfriend told me at one time when Chad was showing interest in some other girl, Angel made a remark that she would rather he dated her than that girl. This makes me wonder if this is not some scheme of Angel's to set my girlfriend up with Chad and attempt to get them together. Anyway, I trust my girlfriend but I do not trust this guy.

 

I have been playing through some worse case scenarios. Even though my girlfriend sees this as a harmless outing with a friend, the fact that Chad labeled it as a date worries me. What if he goes into this expecting her to behave like a date as opposed to a friend? What if he tries to kiss her, and worse, succeeds? How can I live with myself knowing my girlfriend was kissed by another guy when I could have had a say in the matter to prevent it? What if he wants to slow dance with her? It is a dance, after all. The thought of another guy placing his hands on my girlfriend's body upsets me. I mean, I don't get to have any physical contact with my girlfriend because of the nature of our relationship, so how is this fair some other guy should get that privilege?

 

My girlfriend is committed to me and loves me very much and would never hurt me or cheat on me. I trust her. In fact, she didn't even have to tell me of any of this and could have just gone without my knowledge, and I probably would have been none the wiser. She doesn't like seeing me upset and hurt and she reassures me that nothing is going to happen. They're just friends. Would he have asked her to this dance if he had known she wasn't single? I wonder.

 

She also doesn't want to let down Chad and reject him and hurt his feelings since he can't find a date other than her, nor does she want to disappoint her best friend, Angel. Angel and Chad have no idea I am in the picture. My girlfriend has told me she might not even be able to get a ride to this and she might not even be able to go. She also has suggested maybe she could come up with some excuse for not being able to go. Also there is the option where she can just go and I will have to be okay with it and trust nothing will go wrong.

 

Maybe, despite Chad's words I need to stop looking at this as a date, perhaps? Or maybe I could give her my consent as long as some ground rules were established that she would make Chad aware of. I just don't like that my girlfriend might have had a date while she was with me. That just seems so tacky and something you just don't do in a committed relationship. We are exclusive, this is not an open relationship.

 

She has tried her best to comfort me. I was so disgusted and annoyed, wondering too if perhaps I was being controlling or petty and selfish and only thinking of myself, that I suggested perhaps we shouldn't speak to one another until this whole thing blows over, while I am in a upset mood such as this, but that of course can't happen because that would hurt her as much as it would hurt me. If we can help it, we don't even go a day without some form of contact with each other, be it online chatting or phone conversation, usually a mixture of both. In fact, she called me that same night as usual even though I had been upset to her online. She tells me she always wants to talk to me no matter what my mood is - at least we're still talking.

 

My girlfriend is very committed and loving to me. She knows I don't want to be with anyone else but her and it is a mutual sentiment. We have even discussed our plans of a future together. I know she wasn't the most faithful in her last online relationship whom I actually was the cause of what ended it. Her last boyfriend was a controlling, manipulate person who only spoke to her when he needed something from her. They didn't really talk or take the time to know one another, at some points she actually told me she was scared of him and would hide from him when he was online by chatting under an away message.

 

He was cheating on her with others both online and in person. Actually, both of them were cheating. I know she used to receive calls which led to phonesex from her friend while she was with her boyfriend, as well as going to parties to make out with others and she has done some sexual acts (but has never engaged in actual sex). I spoke to her ex-boyfriend because she was still talking to him on occasion afterwards in an attempt to prove him wrong that she just wouldn't stop speaking to him after the break up and I told him I was upset because she told me he was still flirting to her and hitting on her during the times she spoke to him at various random times during a week.

 

He acted as if he was unaware she had a new boyfriend and said he would back off, a little, but not completely stop flirting and doing emotes to her if she still wanted to talk to him. My girlfriend decided it wasn't worth talking to him to subject herself to that and cause me to be upset, so she stopped speaking to him.

 

Before I got together with her my girlfriend was a close friend of mine for two years and she shared everything to me that she did, good or bad. She now regrets a lot of her past behavior and distances herself from her old self. Being with me just within the first week of our first month together had already changed her and bettered her as a person. I know they say, once a cheater, always a cheater but I don't believe that applies to her now. She knows that she is not being mistreated at all by me and I have the best intentions for both of us even though I may overreact and worry and become over-sensitive at times, she is very happy and we are both very loving and affectionate and supportive of each other.

 

Although she is still quite new to relationships and I am one of the first boyfriends she has ever been serious with, she definitely knows now what love is supposed to be like and we both agree we made the best decision in choosing each other.

 

I want our relationship to last. Situations such as this dance make things difficult for both of us. She wants to please everyone in this situation, but she also doesn't want to hurt me and she doesn't like at all what this is doing to me and how it is beginning to make me behave towards her. Am I worried over nothing and should I just let her go to the dance, or should I exert some of my control I should have a right to as her significant other and tell her to not go? She really doesn't care either way personally whether she goes to this dance or not. She just feels obligated to.

[catrocks]

It's a weird situation, but if you trust your girlfriend then why worry that Chad might succeed in kissing her? It takes 2. And if she is not interested in him like that, then if he tries surely she will not kiss him back.

But also, I wonder why if you are in a committed relationship with this girl that she has not told her friend about you. I don't want to sound patronising but how old are you/she? Because this sounds vagualy familiar to a relationship I had when I was 15 - I was kind of dating this guy I met online but I didn't tell my friends because I was embarassed and thought they would judge me. Well if I were in an online relationship now I would definitely tell my friends, especially if it were serious because I know that my true friends would support me whatever I chose to do (within reason). So why has she not told her friends? I don't want to make you feel bad, it was just a feeling I got from what you said.

In a long distance relationship it is vital to have trust and no jealousy, or it will drive you insane. I have a guy friend whom I have no romantic interest with, and he has none with me, and I have been out with him many times to see movies, to bars etc, and it has never been considered a date, neither by me or my significant other. It's just friendship.

I'm not sure what helpful advice I can give you, but I hope you figure it out - maybe you should let her go to the dance with Chad as a friend and see what happens - if nothing does then you know in the future that you can let her go out with friends without feeling jealous or whatever.

Sorry if I sounded like a bitch, I didn't mean to come accross that way!

[TheDC]

My girlfriend is committed to me and loves me very much and would never hurt me or cheat on me. I trust her.

 

Ok so what's the problem then?

[deadxheaven]

I have a guy friend whom I have no romantic interest with, and he has none with me, and I have been out with him many times to see movies, to bars etc, and it has never been considered a date, neither by me or my significant other. It's just friendship.

...maybe you should let her go to the dance with Chad as a friend and see what happens - if nothing does then you know in the future that you can let her go out with friends without feeling jealous or whatever.

Sorry if I sounded like a bitch, I didn't mean to come accross that way!

 

I think the whole reason I am bothered by this all is because Chad asked her to the dance by saying she was going to be his "date". Therefore, in my mind the entire situation has become a date, and in looking at it from that perspective, my mind started envisioning all the things one usually associates with being on a date.

 

Your explanation seems to differ since you said those outings with his friend have never been considered a date, and that word has been applied to this dance my girlfriend may be going to. I have no problem with her going out and doing things with her friends - she shouldn't have to put her social life on hold just because I am in the picture. It's not that at all.

 

She recently went to a concert with some friends and ended up spending the night at her best friend's house, and I was fine with it, we just missed one another during the time we were temporarily without contact with one another.

[catrocks]

I think the whole reason I am bothered by this all is because Chad asked her to the dance by saying she was going to be his "date". Therefore, in my mind the entire situation has become a date, and in looking at it from that perspective, my mind started envisioning all the things one usually associates with being on a date.

 

Your explanation seems to differ since you said those outings with his friend have never been considered a date, and that word has been applied to this dance my girlfriend may be going to. I have no problem with her going out and doing things with her friends - she shouldn't have to put her social life on hold just because I am in the picture. It's not that at all.

 

She recently went to a concert with some friends and ended up spending the night at her best friend's house, and I was fine with it, we just missed one another during the time we were temporarily without contact with one another.

Sorry to ask this, but have you and your girlfriend ever met face to face? Just wondered.

And ok fine, my explanation doesn't apply to your situation. So you can either tell your gf you don't want her going to the dance with Chad and seem possessive, or you can let her go and worry about it. Tell her you are not comfortable with her going on what has been classed as a "date" by this guy, but understand that she might get upset and think you don't trust her. Sometimes we ladies can be complicated.

Oooh and as I said before, I would be more concerned that your girlfriend has not told her good friend about you - is she embarassed or what? As I said, if they are true friends they will not judge her just cos she's in an online relationship or whatever. If it were me in this situation, I would be more concerned about that than the "date" issue.

Sorry, I tried! You're obviously looking for an easy answer but I'm afraid the only one is, like theDC said.... if you trust her then whats the problem?

Seems like there are other issues at stake here.

[Salicious Crumb]

No, your gf should not be going to a dance with another guy...PERIOD.

 

If she does, then she isn't much of a girlfriend.

[Sweetie2007]

okay, so basically your worried because she wants to go on this "date" with this guy she's not interested in as more than friends..

 

Tell her that you don't like the idea of a "date", and explain to her that it's misleading for her to let her friends think she's single, when she's not, it's not only misleading them, but it's hurting your relationship, obviously.... you just have to figure it out with her, she obviously wants to go to the dance, and Chad obviously wants a date, so maybe she could tell Chad that she's not interested in a date, but she'll go as friends, so they can both have a good time and not be seen walking in alone? Then..she should tell Chad and the best friend about you, because otherwise she's not 100% commited to you, and she's in a way lieing to her friends... it's like catrocks said, it sounds like there are other issues too...

[deadxheaven]

okay, so basically your worried because she wants to go on this "date" with this guy she's not interested in as more than friends..

 

Tell her that you don't like the idea of a "date", and explain to her that it's misleading for her to let her friends think she's single, when she's not, it's not only misleading them, but it's hurting your relationship, obviously.... you just have to figure it out with her, she obviously wants to go to the dance, and Chad obviously wants a date, so maybe she could tell Chad that she's not interested in a date, but she'll go as friends, so they can both have a good time and not be seen walking in alone? Then..she should tell Chad and the best friend about you, because otherwise she's not 100% commited to you, and she's in a way lieing to her friends... it's like catrocks said, it sounds like there are other issues too...

 

Why do you say that she obviously wants to go to the dance when I said she doesn't care whether she goes to the dance or not? The problem is I'm worried he's going to see it as a date while she is viewing it as an outing between friends. She has hung out at Angel's house before while Chad was over there and I didn't really think much about it. I'm just stuck on this whole "date" thing. There's no other issues here. But it is very true that situations such as this wouldn't come up if her best friend was aware she was not single.

[michelangelo]

But unless and until you and your online girlfriend actually meet and spend real time together, she is not really your girlfriend.

 

I see her telling you of this dance/nondate is her way of telling you she is wanting a real boyfriend who is actually there physically for her.

 

Do you not see this?

 

What would it take for you to see her? How far away from you is she?

[mental_traveller]

Ok so what's the problem then?

 

The "problem" is that his BS-detection meter is giving loud warning signs, even though his brain is currently too slow to detect how ridiculous this situation is.

 

To the OP - listen up, you really don't need to write pages or think for hours about this. It's very simple. You invite your girlfriend around, and tell her she is going away with you for a daytrip or weekend break on the date of the dance. When she objects that the dance is there, you simply tell her that no gf of yours is going as another guy's date to a dance, ask what the hell does she take you for, lose your temper a bit and then say you are dumping her on the spot.

 

If she is not actually planning to go for this Chad guy, she will call you back and say she made a mistake, that you are more important and that she'll go along with you on the trip. Problem solved.

 

Of course if she actually *does* want a date with this guy, she might call your bluff. But in that case, you really don't want to be with her anyway.

[catrocks]

Listen, you've obviously made up your mind and the only thing you want to hear from people on here is what you think. Which is fine, but I still think your gf is weird for not telling her friends about her serious relationship.

It seems like whatever people say it's not the right thing so why even ask for advice? I think you already know what you're going to do and I doubt that anything anyone says on here is going to change your mind. We're just trying to help. I hope you figure it out but don't expect a magic remedy on here. Just stop bsing and TELL HER.

[Sweetie2007]

Why do you say that she obviously wants to go to the dance when I said she doesn't care whether she goes to the dance or not? The problem is I'm worried he's going to see it as a date while she is viewing it as an outing between friends. She has hung out at Angel's house before while Chad was over there and I didn't really think much about it. I'm just stuck on this whole "date" thing. There's no other issues here. But it is very true that situations such as this wouldn't come up if her best friend was aware she was not single.

 

Well if she's letting him believe it's a date, if she thinks of it that way or not, then it's still a problem. She could just talk to him, and tell him what I said in the last post.....

a year ago, a friend of mine asked me to go somewhere with him, and my boyfriend reacted the same way you are, and I did the same thing she is doing, EXCEPT, that my friend knew about my BF, so although he might have seen it as a date, i didn't give a **** because he knew i was taken, i wouldn't see it as a date, and i wouldn't let anything happen, it was just the guy being weird and trying to steal me from my BF. My point is... she needs to tell him how she see's the outing, and she needs to tell her friends about you, if they are true friends, then although they may not agree with the OL thing, they'll still hang with her. My best friend doesn't approve of my BF, but we're still friends.

[Guest]

My thoughts are this: There is no such thing as "allow" in a healthy relationship. She can do what she wants. What you can do is state how you feel about the situation and then she can decide what is more important to her. Truthfully I would feel like you do. I wouldn't like it either. Not that he asked her but that she didn't come out and just say no. She sounds like a people pleaser. On one hand she was honest with you and on the otherhand she can't say no.

 

Talk until you both come to some kind of decision or at least a compromise. I.E. her speaking to that guy: I will meet you there. I have a boyfriend so its not a date. We need to be clear on that or I will not attend.

 

At some point you both need to build trust. She can't live in a box because you aren't there. The same for you. But she can certainly handle this situation better.

 

Best of luck.

[heartbroken1234]

I'm not trying to be mean, and will tell you what I think... but I found it very funny you say... "should I let her..." haha, do you own her? NO! Girlfriend is a title, a title that can be removed and the way you talk and act like you own her, I'm surprised she is still with you!

Anyways...

Relationships require trust. You have to trust her, or why are you with her? If she says it'll be fine, then trust her. Stay true to yourself but quit acting like a child. If she does do something bad, least you know its not meant to be at the time. But, whats meant to be will happen and all you can do is stay true to yourself and your feelings. The upsetting thing and stupid thing most guys do, and yes, I'm a guy. Here's the example: say your girlfriend would screw up and sleep w/ the guy or be with him, then 2 weeks later you do the same... it makes you just as bad and means you truly didn't love her... cause if you truly love someone, you love them through anything and do anything to be with them. stay true to yourself and don't screw up yourself.

[alphamale]

No, your gf should not be going to a dance with another guy...PERIOD. If she does, then she isn't much of a girlfriend.

I agree totally SC....would his gf be ok with him going to a dance with another chick? Most likely not.

[Sweetie2007]

I agree totally SC....would his gf be ok with him going to a dance with another chick? Most likely not.

 

Depends on the level of trust. My BF (yes LD, 5000 miles, US to Germany), goes out on the weekends with groups of friends, which more often than not consist of mostly girls, and sometimes it's just him and a good friend who is female...I'm cool with that, because I trust him, and they know about me, so it's useless. He tells me everything that happens, so it's cool. She might just consider it exactly what I described above, except that he doesn't...that's the thing, both ppl in the relationship have to be on the same page, which I think is the problem here...IMO, anyway....

[alphamale]

...I'm cool with that, because I trust him, ....

1. you have no choice but to "trust" him
   
2. LDRs really are not real relationships and ususally fail

[Erik]

Isn't this a repost?

 

Letting you GF dance with another guy is a good idea. The chance that she cheat on you will be diminished if you let her dance with whomever she damn well pleases. It shows confidence on your part; if you don't consider Chad a competitor, neither will she. If you bitch and moan, she will think that you consider Chad better than you and believe it too.

[alphamale]

Letting you GF dance with another guy is a good idea. The chance that she cheat on you will be diminished if you let her dance with whomever she damn well pleases. It shows confidence on your part;.

so then ERIK if he lets her sleep with whomever she want then he will be seen as even more supremely confident? give me a break! you are so wrong its not even funny.

 

A real man keeps control over his woman

[Sweetie2007]

1. you have no choice but to "trust" him
   
2. LDRs really are not real relationships and ususally fail

 

Well then explain why mine has lasted 2, almost 2.5 years, and through 17 months without physically seeing each other? Why we have plans for forever, why almost everyone on here has succeeded, at least so far, and at least one to marriage with their LDR? they only fail if the ppl weren't mean for an LDR, if you can live through the distance, and come together in the end, it'll work, anything will if your strong enough...

[Sweetie2007]

so then ERIK if he lets her sleep with whomever she want then he will be seen as even more supremely confident? give me a break! you are so wrong its not even funny.

 

A real man keeps control over his woman

 

CONTROL!? As a woman, i take 100% offence to that! I feel sorry for your girlfriend....I hope she's extremely unsecure and needs that kind of thing, otherwise she'll be horribly unahappy with you....

[alphamale]

Well then explain why mine has lasted 2, almost 2.5 years, and through 17 months without physically seeing each other? Why we have plans for forever, why almost everyone on here has succeeded, at least so far, and at least one to marriage with their LDR? they only fail if the ppl weren't mean for an LDR, if you can live through the distance, and come together in the end, it'll work, anything will if your strong enough...

ok whatever you say S2007

[Sweetie2007]

ok whatever you say S2007

 

read the posts....90% of the ppl on here are happy with their LDR, some problems arise, but in general, LDR's tend to be better relationship when the ppl are together, than if I were to see my BF every day..... I don't believe your theory....no relationship can last FOREVER LD, but for a few years, sure...wth...it's an experience I don't regret, if I stay with my BF forever or not, I'll NEVER regret what this LDR has given me, and I know a lot of other ppl feel the same

[alphamale]

read the posts....90% of the ppl on here are happy with their LDR, some problems arise, but in general, LDR's tend to be better relationship when the ppl are together, than if I were to see my BF every day..... I don't believe your theory....no relationship can last FOREVER LD, but for a few years, sure...wth...it's an experience I don't regret, if I stay with my BF forever or not, I'll NEVER regret what this LDR has given me, and I know a lot of other ppl feel the same

ok whatever you say S2007...

[Sweetie2007]

ok whatever you say S2007...

 

i hate to be mean, but what kind of "true man" can't even stand up for his own opinion, and resorts to "w/e"?? IMO, you said bull**** and now don't like that some girl is standing up for herself in society. Even my BF (who I'm physically with now) doesn't agree with your theory, and in every way, he is a REAL MAN! You are just something I won't say on here, for decency's sake:o