Husband comes clean, wants to save marriage.. how do I forgive

[Guest]

I have been married for almost two years and we are 6 months pregnant with our second child (we wanted our children close in age). Both pregnancies were planned, we have a beautiful home and I love him more than anything. We were really doing great, or so I thought. Then I began to suspect that he was inappropriately flirting with a co-worker. After approaching him and checking his e-mail, he confessed that he was flirting with someone, but that it was innocent.

 

Then he began including her in his weekly basketball games with his friends, which upset me and worried me on many levels. He continued to claim I was paranoid and that he was innocent. Finally after having it out, he agreed it was inappropriate and promised just to keep things professional. Not even a week later he confessed that a day after we had it out (or so I thought) he had via phone after work casually invited her to a happy hour with his basketball buddies.

 

She then spoke up and brought a reality check to him about how appropriate it would be for her to go to a happy hour with him considering he was married. He admitted that this made him realize that he had been carrying on a sort of unspoken game with her that involved a growing flirtation and less than subtle advances. He admits it was dangerous terriotory and apologized. I was very hurt by this news, but happy he was coming clean.

 

Then in the progression of the conversation he admitted to making out with (supposedly only kissing horizontally) someone 1 month prior to our wedding - it was someone he went to college with and worked on projects with. He said it only happened one time and that he wanted to come clean so we could start from scratch. I feel so betrayed and confused. To me he was perfect. Everything I ever wanted in a husband and father for my children. I never in a million years thought he could have done that.

 

He wants to show me his love and make it up to me. How do I go on? What should I do. I want to save my marriage, but I feel all of this is just too much to take in considering I am pregnant and feeling pretty vulnerable. Please help!

[outofdarkness]

Hi and welcome!

 

I can really relate to the hurt and betrayal that you are feeling right now. I had two babies when my H started cheating, although I had no idea at the time that he WAS cheating...Just that he was behaving differently..I do have to say that had I been given even a hint of the cheating when my children were babies, I would have set very firm boundaries and ultimatums and stuck to them. Of course all of this is easier said then done, especially when babies or children are involved. NOW is the time for you to do this! My H cheated for 10 years before I finally found out via a letter in the mail from one of his es...Don't wait that long. You are seeing some huge red flags that need to be addressed now. Ask him again to be honest w/ you..preferably in the presence of a professional marriage counselor, then if you feel that he has been totally up front and honest w/ you, YOU are holding the ball and can decide what is best for you and your babies. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not do. It is your decision and your's alone.

 

I have to tell you, as most on this forum will tell you, that cheaters will lie, lie, lie until the cows come home. It does sound like he is making some sort of attempt to come clean, but I can't tell from just one post what is really going on. Sometimes cheaters will tell half truths just to sort of "test the waters" and see how you will react. This could be the case w/ you as well. Obviously, you can't stop your H from looking at other women, or even going out w/ the guys and commenting about women...this is just what guys do...But..you have to draw the line somewhere, and in my eyes, your H has already crossed it. He took away your right to choose whether or not you wanted to go ahead w/ the marriage, by withholding the info about making out w/ another woman...I don't know what your choice would have been, but I do know that you should have had the info so that you could make an informed decision...

 

There is something fishy about this coworker. You said that SHE came forward and said it was inappropriate for her to join your H and his B ball buddies? To whom did she go TO w/ this revelation? That sounds weird to me...Mabey they are playing mind games w/ you? I don't know, but I DO know that I would try to find out. Make a surprise visit to his office w/ the baby and take him to lunch. Make yourself seen and heard at his office. Let them know that you are present....Office gossip is rampant, and they need to know that you are his W and that you have a baby w/ another on the way...MM will do anything and say anything to start A's with coworkers, or any W for that matter...Including but not limited to, taking off their wedding rings and lieing about being married. Some OW's don't CARE whether or not they are married! It's all up to your H not to flirt and to let any potential or current OW know that he is NOT interested due to being married. If he's throwing off signals that he is not happy and wants to fool around, there are TONS of W out there who will be ready and willing.

 

You may have to do alittle snooping around on the comp, etc. if you still feel that he is not coming clean w/ you...As I said, most of the time, they WON't come clean...You wouldn't believe some of the excuses they use...and b/c we are in a situation like you're in now, or just because we trust them 100 percent, we believe them. We WANT to believe them!

 

I hope this has helped. Please feel free to send me a private message, once you get privileges, if you want more info...Good luck...and I'll be thinking of you...

[LakesideDream]

All IS NOT LOST. By various definitions, your husband may not even be a "cheater". A "almost fling" before you were married isn't unusual. It may be tacky... but it's not a felony.

 

The co-worker basketball thing sounds like it worked itself out without a "cheating" episode.

 

It sounds like your Husband is immature, and maybe a little afraid of his responsibilities. You didn't mention your ages, and that may be an important detail.

 

You are lucky to in that he has "come clean" with his behavior. A good idea would be to see a professional counsilor and clear the air. Let your Husband know and hear first hand how his behavior has hurt you.

 

It may be that the situation will never come up again. Hurt as you feel now, it's nothing compared to the total devistation that could become reality if the situation gets out of hand. It does not sound like you marriage is threatened.. if both of you are willing to do some work to increase the level of communication and intimacy.

 

Good Luck.

[Ladyjane14]

He admits it was dangerous terriotory and apologized. I was very hurt by this news, but happy he was coming clean.

 

I'm with Lakeside. Give credit where credit is due.

The most important thing here is that you and your husband have open communications and that he managed to put the brakes on before things got too far out of hand.

 

Flirtations can be good, harmless fun as long as we don't get carried away. It's ego-building when people of the opposite sex to find you attractive, right? A healthy self-esteem is a fine thing.

 

The temptation to get "carried away" though, arises when we start feeling like we NEED that kind of attention from others and not just from our spouse. There's all sorts of reasons a person might start feeling an unhealthy "need" for opposite-sex attention... insecurity, low self-esteem, anxiety regarding the future, feeling trapped.. etc. etc.

 

The key might be in identifying WHY the flirting had become important to him. After that, you two can start fulfilling those needs AT HOME.

[outofdarkness]

I respectfully disagree w/ you all. A person who is in a committed R...ENGAGED, should remain faithful to his/her SO...Yes, making out w/ another W IS cheating, and flirting is never "harmless" when you are M...These are just my opinions...I think this is headed for trouble if she continues to let him lie to her...Why do you all think that a W should sit and wait for the real bang before she gets worried or alarmed?? By then it's too late!! She needs to take control of her life NOW! These are warning signs and need to be addressed.

[Karma24]

Posts like yours continue to erode any faith I once had in men.

 

Sorry about your situation.

 

Hopefully you can find the answer that will make you happy.

 

Maybe it will not involve your "husband" anymore. If that's the case, make sure to nail his ass to the wall.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

Dear Guest

 

You are not alone... I recently posted a threat asking the same thing..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=113827

 

Although my situation was slightly different, in terms that I was unaware of H's affair while I was pregnant with out first child which continued until our son was one years old. He did mention he was having lunches with her and did admit at the beginning of having feelings for the OW. When I asked him to stop having lunchs with her, he said he would stop out of respect for our marriage. Little did I know that he lied the whole time. My trust at that time was completely unconditional, how stupid I was.... I saw so many red flags looking back but I never questioned things because I didn't think he would cheat... there were receipts for lunches.....but evey time I saw them on the credit card bill, he'd say other co workers came along too, it was just not him and her. If I had been smart enough to call the restaurant to find out how much it costed to eat for 2 people, I would have figured it out.. but in the complete trusting state I was, I didn't even question. He never spoke of her again at home for that whole year... and I did not know about the affair..... At least you are one step ahead of where I was since you already are asking questions... good luck to you...!

[want2believenluv]

I'm the person who originally posted this thread. I finally registered. Thank you all for your advice and comments. I still welcome any others. This weekend was an up and down roller coaster. We really worked on trying to pick apart why he was so tempted to take an office flirtation to another level in the first place. He fessed up to it being about ego and a little boredom.

 

He claims he wasn't even really attracted to her right away - meaning she wouldn't turn his head normally. He considers her average, but enjoyed knowing that she had interest in him. To him at first it was just a good feeling to be paid attention to, but that once he was brought to reality and saw where things were headed he says he had a moment of clarity. I just shutter to think about the what ifs. I do feel lucky to have caught this early, but I still could cry thinking about what could hav happened and how easily.

 

This weekend we both had to take a good look at our relationship, the truth is having two pregnancies back-to-back, while planned, has been harder on us than either one of us wanted to admit. It really had put us into this routine where we concentrated on everything but each other. This weekend was rough at times with all the outpouring of emotion and anger, but it was also a good chance to make up and start anew. We found ourselves extremely passionate with each other in ways we hadn't in years - since before we were engaged.

 

I want to believe that we are on a good path now, but I am not going to let down my guard or ignore the red flags. I will continue to be vigilent and watchful. I want to trust him and move on, but not with my eyes closed anymore.

 

By the way, what do you think about sharing passwords on e-mails. Should it be an open book policy meaning we both have access to each others accounts. Or does having trust mean you don't need to give each other access?

[JamesM]

Let's assume that he truly is coming clean. And I say that because people who "confess" many times do so to a lesser mistake/error/infidelity to gain forgiveness and forgetfulness. Then he can put it behind him and you think he did the lesser evil. (So, his recent fling with the co-worker could have been more than that. And his "kissing" prior to marriage may be less innocent. Since he confessed so readily, one does wonder).

 

The big question is...can you trust him in the future? If you believe that you can put this all behind you, then go for it. If you cannot, then either both of you need counseling to have it out, or you will need to split and move on.

 

Personally, I think this can be resolved. But you must feel inside that you CAN move beyond this and not question his every move.

[whichwayisup]

By the way, what do you think about sharing passwords on e-mails. Should it be an open book policy meaning we both have access to each others accounts. Or does having trust mean you don't need to give each other access?

 

He should give you his, seeing as he's the one who crossed the lines with this co-worker. He kissed another woman, spent time with her - So yeah, he has to be an open book for you. If he won't give you access, that's a red flag and could mean that whatever it is that happened between them isn't really completely over. It could turn into an emotional affair.......Which is just as dangerous for your marriage.

 

Has he shown remorse? Has he offered to leave that department, maybe transfer somewhere so they don't have to work together?

 

Marriage counselling can help as well.

[outofdarkness]

I'm the person who originally posted this thread. I finally registered. Thank you all for your advice and comments. I still welcome any others. This weekend was an up and down roller coaster. We really worked on trying to pick apart why he was so tempted to take an office flirtation to another level in the first place. He fessed up to it being about ego and a little boredom.

 

He claims he wasn't even really attracted to her right away - meaning she wouldn't turn his head normally. He considers her average, but enjoyed knowing that she had interest in him. To him at first it was just a good feeling to be paid attention to, but that once he was brought to reality and saw where things were headed he says he had a moment of clarity. I just shutter to think about the what ifs. I do feel lucky to have caught this early, but I still could cry thinking about what could hav happened and how easily.

 

This weekend we both had to take a good look at our relationship, the truth is having two pregnancies back-to-back, while planned, has been harder on us than either one of us wanted to admit. It really had put us into this routine where we concentrated on everything but each other. This weekend was rough at times with all the outpouring of emotion and anger, but it was also a good chance to make up and start anew. We found ourselves extremely passionate with each other in ways we hadn't in years - since before we were engaged.

 

I want to believe that we are on a good path now, but I am not going to let down my guard or ignore the red flags. I will continue to be vigilent and watchful. I want to trust him and move on, but not with my eyes closed anymore.

 

By the way, what do you think about sharing passwords on e-mails. Should it be an open book policy meaning we both have access to each others accounts. Or does having trust mean you don't need to give each other access?

Sounds like you're on the right path. So happy that you and your H were able to have a heart to heart this past weekend. Mabey you DID catch it in time. If I were you, I'd go ahead and at least go for a couple of sessions w/ a marriage C...It might bring out some things that have been bothering both of you and certainly couldn't HURT!

 

I don't know if I said before that we also had two children back to back...11 months apart! It's called "Irish twins" and in my opinion, it's harder then having twins b/c everything is back to back, no breaks for two years...instead of all together...I know how stressful it is on you and your marriage!

 

I wish you all the best and hope that you will continue to come to this forum for advice and support. The people are wonderful and have given me such valuable and meaningful advice....Take Care!

[outofdarkness]

PS...I DO definitely think that passwords should be an open book. Like it or not, he created some trust issues and needs to earn that back in my opinion. If he doesn't have anything to hide, he shouldn't have a problem w/ it. If he is defensive, this too, is a red flag...

[Ladyjane14]

...what do you think about sharing passwords on e-mails. Should it be an open book policy meaning we both have access to each others accounts. Or does having trust mean you don't need to give each other access?

 

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. And I think people tend to be very different in how they draw the line between the two. For your purposes though, whatever you and your husband are comfortable with should be the rule in terms of "privacy". But it's probably better that "secrecy" not be tolerated at all unless we're talking about Birthday Surprise Parties or that sort of thing.

 

Keep your communications open. It's important that you not overreact to the extent that he stops sharing things with you, right?

 

We don't have any secret passwords around here. I've got my husband's. He's got mine. But... I don't rummage through his stuff anymore either.

"Checking" is a difficult habit to break once you've become insecure in the relationship, but it's damaging after awhile.

 

Trust is also a VERB. So, if you've decided to trust him... your best bet is to give that trust in an active way. Don't worry though. Your eyes are open now, so if he messes up... you'll see it. Have a little faith in yourself.