I wish I knew where me and him stood

[charlotte101]

So lets just start by saying that I know this is long but if anyone could give me their input it would be greatly appreciated..

 

I am a freshman in college and for most of my fall and a little of spring semester I was seeing this kid named Adam. I thought that he was great but in reality he wound up being the biggest dick.... either way through it all I have had this friend named Jay who has pretty much stuck by me the entire time. Jay has been my friend since the day we moved in. He is great and in all honesty, I love our friendship.

 

We have just always had a connection since move in day at our college (we're neighbors). We used to just hang out and talk about everything and anything (our lives, school, etc). We even try and set a date as often as possible to grab dinner (usually once a week or once every two weeks).

 

The weird thing is that when I was so caught up with the jerk (Adam), I blew off a chance for me and my friend to be more than friends. My roommate would always tell me that Jay definitely liked me and that we were bound to hook up eventually. I mean i guess in the back of my mind I knew that he was interested and I knew that I had always had a crush on him but I guess because I was so caught up with Adam, I just kept my relationship Jay at a friendship level. He would always flirt, ask to grab dinner, stop by my room (we live on the same floor), he didn't like Adam and would always tell me how much better I could do, and any time he was drunk he was overly touchy feely.

 

I guess I just always looked past it because I was already involved with someone else. Now he is somewhat involved with someone else while I am completely single. I know that this is my fault but I still can't help but overanalyze it all. The truth is, I never realized how much I did like him until it was too late.

 

The worst part is that I would have never had any of this in my head if it weren't for 2 weekends ago. A few weekends ago, I came back from a party... pretty drunk and went along with my roommate to hang out with jay and a whole bunch of other people in his room. We hung out for a while there .... I sat on his lap at one point and we just talked. Things were normal as usual. I decide to go back to my room... he walks me back... and we go into my room to hang out.

 

As we are trying to figure out how to set my alarm clock because I was drunk and had to wake up extremely early... he kissed me (lightly of course but he still kissed me). We wound up making out that night. We had a drunken heart to heart and I remember him telling me that he really liked me.

 

We bickered for a while in which I told him that he didn't like me and that he liked a different girl (that he had been hooking up with). He responded by saying that he had been confused, he liked me all along, and that he didn't know what he wanted back then but he did now.... and that was me. He then said "the only reason that I never made a move was because I didn't think that you wanted me to... I never got that vibe from you." I wound up falling asleep at some point next to him... and I remember him getting up and telling me that "he was going to go because my roommate wanted to go to bed but for me to go back to sleep." He kissed me lightly again and then said goodnight and left.

 

The next day I was out all day and never exactly got a chance to talk to him so instead I left him a note. It basically thanked him for taking care of me that night since I had been such a mess and that I truly appreciated him. That night when I got back, I saw him really quickly where he smiled at me and said "I got your note... anytime charlotte...anytime."

 

It made me feel good because I didn't think that anything was awkward. 2 days later since I figured that I hadn't spoken to him.... I decided to text him and see if he wanted to grab dinner. He never replied which then made me freak out .... worried that we had messed up such a great friendship. Any time I saw him after that he would still say hi and bye and make small talk but we were awkward.

 

I was so worried about the situation that one day I went to go talk to him about it. I explained that although I was pretty drunk, I still remembered what happened and I didn't want our relationship to change in a bad way and for there to be awkwardness. I told him that I loved him to death and that I truly cared about him. He then said that he was sorry for never answering back... he didn't know why he didn't and that we would never be awkward because he cared too. He then tried to lighten the mood and was like "it is ok... friends hook up sometimes right?" and then smiled. I laughed, smiled at him, and said yeah.

 

I guess the truth is that I just have the things that he said from the drunken night in the back of my head. I know he thinks that I was so drunk that I barely remember anything but in all honesty, I just keep playing it over and over in my head wondering why he has never tried to make a move again or express how he feels about me. I mean I know he is sort of seeing this girl (the girl that I was telling him that he liked that night) but I was just wondering why would he said those things and finally made a move with no intention of pursuing me after? Any thoughts on what he is thinking/ what I should do?