cricklebrook Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Hi, I'm new here, but just wanted to post this little problem I've having.... None of my relationships have lasted beyond a few months...and I'm 25. I can cite reasons for each and every one of them to explain that I just wasn't attracted to them, but the very fact that I haven't been able to stand ANYONE for more than a few months just makes it seem like there's a deeper problem. Am I perfectionist or a narcissist, and feel that I just haven't found the "perfect" guy who's good enough for me, or do I have a fear of intimacy?? I very much doubt that it's the latter, because when I'm actually in my short-lived relationships, I often am and enjoy being quite intimate. I have been depressed for these past few years, so maybe I just being alone, but I dunno, it seems like someone who's depressed would cling to someone. What the heck is going on?! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Is it that the men weren't good enough for you or was the relationship unsuitable? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Did you break up with all of them? Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 You sound like your dating the wrong types of guys for you. You could be to picky or maybe you need to find a more mature guy that has the same interests as yourself. It;s hard to tell you why your failing without more information. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Are you breaking up with them or are they breaking up with you? I use to have a fear of intimacy and unless you have commitment phobia, afraid of rejection, etc... you probably don't have it. Do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cricklebrook Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 Most of the time I'm the one breaking up. Sometimes it's because they're "not good enough" for me, even though it's a horrible way to put it. It's more like I'm just not attracted to them, and think that I could find someone I could be attracted to. Sometimes it was because the relationship was "unsuitable", i.e. one guy just wasn't in love with me, but there have been a large variety of reasons, all sort of boiling down to the fact that I just get bored, or there's a particular attribute that ends up really bugging me. For instance, one guy just turned out to be really shallow and couldn't talk freely about deeper, more complex things, and since that's like, all I do, it really got irritating. Another guy would make slightly insulting, slightly arrogant comments, and that, rightfully so, I think, got to me. Another guy was obsessed with his work and that ended up being all he'd talk about, even if I tried to change the subject, and that got really boring. So, to me, I have perfectly valid explanations for each one, but should I have tried to look past all those things?? I did try for a while, but it got so irritating that I just couldn't stand to be with them. I'd rather be single than have to deal with them. But is the search for a guy that I AM attracted to and WON'T have a problem that will irritate the hell out of me completely hopeless?? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 First of all - you shouldn't stay with someone who's intrinsic make up is not compatible with you. Those are the types of relationships you described. So you are justified in that. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince. So by translation - you are going to date a lot of guys before you find "the one". It's okay - normal - you should be learning from every single one - things you like and things you don't like. Use these to narrow the scope of what you are looking for. And don't be in such a rush. It is not the 100 yard dash -- it is a marathon. You have a long life to live and when you are looking at spending that very long life with just one person he should be very compatible with you. That doesn't mean you agree on everything. It just means you truly enjoy being together. If you haven't found that yet then there is no reason you should have stayed with these guys. It doesn't help the guy to be with you when you are unhappy being with him. Let him go to find someone who will appreciate him and move on to find one for yourself as well. You sound younger. Please don't be in a rush. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 From what you describe, I don't think it's fear of intimacy. You WANT to be intimate with someone, you are not fearing that. But the people you get with you haven't fallen in love with anyone and so are not feeling attracted to them, so naturally you don't want to be with them. Everyone wants to fall in love and find someone who they will want to be with. Some lose hope and settle for someone. In your situation the fact that you haven't had any long term relationships because nobody is good enough for your standards means that you are creating a situation where you will end up guaranteeing that you will be alone, which leads me to think that maybe you are in fact afrad to commit. But if you can't stand to be wtih someone, you shouldn't. I don't know enough of your background to know what your problem is, such as if someone you once loved left you so now you're afraid to let anyone get too close to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Also, you have to communicate your needs and annoyances to your partners. If they do something that's consistently irritating, tell them. If it's superficial enough and they want to be with you, then they will change. ie. picking up their laundry after they've shed their clothing. If it's a core change, that's far more difficult and more than likely an unsuitable match. Don't sweat the small stuff and focus on the big things. Everyone is flawed, even you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cricklebrook Posted March 11, 2007 Author Share Posted March 11, 2007 Well, it's definitely reassuring to think that I just haven't found the right guy yet; thanks. Yeah, I've felt like these have been fundamental issues with the guy's personality, and so it was never something that they could just stop. I mean, you can't tell someone, "oh yeah, could you stop being shallow?" I know, it's such a lousy track record that I do feel like it must be fear of committment, but, yeah, it definitely doesn't seem like the answer would be to "lower my standards" and stay with someone that I could no longer stand. I dunno, maybe that just means I have to raise my tolerance level.... Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 people will always be far from perfect in this imperfect world. But in the end attraction is a strange phenomenon that just happens. I suppose the real questions you should be answering is if your expectations/standards for a guy are realistic? Its ok to have standards but more often than not both sexes wind up having notions/beliefs about the other and when they cant cope with the reality of them it turns ugly, literally. And again i'll assume that these guys were the chasers and you started dating them because they asked you out. Well that's what happens when you dont chase someone yourself. you bring up a good point about tolerance, i think everyone needs to make some form of sacrifices to make relationships work...even if that means not losing your cool every so often. Link to post Share on other sites
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