My husband wants to separate

[mikicmikido]

He is fine to some degree as I know that he is still working and I see him driving around here and selling more and more houses. I NEVER was unkind to him while he was here. I cooked dinner and would eat with him at 11pm or 7pm whenever he wanted. We have not been to restaurant or a movie or on any kind of date for longer than I can remember. I never complained as I wanted to help him succeed if that was what he wanted.

 

I handled all of the advertising and computer maintenance (website upkeep and email inquiries) for a minimum of 5 hours a day. I did all of the household chores and shopping, communicated with his family long distance cause he said he didn't feel like it and didn't have time. I would cook him special meals; lamb, steaks, anything to show him that I loved him (I am on nutrisystem so I eat boxed food and don't need to cook).

 

He has complained about being stressed and tired and I tell him that we don't need as much stuff and then he comes home with expensive vehicles and such without even discussing it with me thereby increasing the amount of stress there is to make more money.

 

You, sir, seem like you have some kind of anger towards women.

 

Regardless, my family has helped us financially over the years and would have done anything to help him. I drove him to his weekly pool league so that he could drink and not have to drive. I have tried and contributed to this marriage since the day that we said I do.

 

It is strange that I feel as though you are making me defend myself when I have not done anything. I have asked him to see an MC on several occasions but he never wanted to and was always too tired to discuss any relationship situations. What am I supposed to do?

 

I have a feeling that you will be hostile towards me no matter what I tell you and to be honest it is somewhat interesting to have such a perspective.

 

I WILL not feel that I have done any absolute wrongs. I am sure that there are things that I could have done better as a wife but I was a good wife.

 

I never strayed from my marriage vows. He could always have talked to me about any problems that he had with my friendship to the other guy. When he first left I even asked if that was part of the problem but he said no. Am I supposed to assume otherwise?

 

Now I am stuck in a rural community in the middle of nowhere with no job and no husband. He has a booming business that made over $250,000 last year and is well known like a local celebrity. People respect him and he gets to bask in this, even though it is hard work as well. I worked just as hard from home and provided him with a cocoon to come home to everyday and yet I have nothing to show for it.

 

Oh, I guess I do have you writing nasty things letting me know how difficult it must have been to live with me and how insensitive I am.

[AHIWON]

Don't reply to his letters, just tell him you need to think about you. Sounds like you have been doing all the housekeeping for the relationship and he has become lazy towards doing something about it. He doesn't know how perhaps?

 

Tell him to straighten him self out, consider IC or MC or both cause you won't tolerate being treated like that.

 

Sounds like you are a little close to your friend when you should be concentrating on your husband instead. You are into dangerous ground there for your marriage. That looks like an emotional affair.....so far. End that if you want any chance of repairing you marriage.

[polywog]

Sorry you won't find pity from me. Him spending that much money is a red flag in itself. Depressed (suicidal) people often do such things. Or maybe it was time he did something for himself? If you just take, take, take and you had a bad attitude towards him, maybe that is the reason why he just took off and disappeared.

 

What I am saying is, a husband does not just up and vanish without a good reason. To leave everything behind and not to be heard from. I am very worried about him and IMO if my wife did this I would try every avenue possible to find her to make sure she is safe, not worrying about my 'own happiness' in wondering or not should I screw another chick.

 

I'm sorry, maybe it's not appropriate to respond to this post as it's not my thread, but your attitiude, or perhaps just how you're expressing the concerns over the disappearing H, could have been said without so much vitriol. I mean, Mik is hurting, clearly... and you are beating her up, maybe not intentionally, but that's how it comes across.

 

I have been reading her thread because I am going through something similar right now with a live-in LTR, minus the EA (which I have to say, I can understand under her circumstances and don't judge).

 

My SO disappeared a few times around the break up, and I was worried to death. It was cruel of him to make me worry like this, it was a very immature f***y** to me. Sometimes a spouse will disappear as a passive aggressive way to get to their partner. So yes, in my experience a spouse Does/can disappear for cruel or selfish reasons.

 

Perhaps you mean well, or are doing some sort of tough-love, but it doesn't come across very well, and I think that the OP deserves more consideration. Just sayin'.

[mikicmikido]

So still not a word from my stbxh. I see him driving around still. I guess that it is up to me to speak with a lawyer and get the ball rolling as he is the only income and he could be hiding his cheques now for all I know. Mum2three's story just feels so similar in emotion to me, that is why I ended up reading all 24 pages straight the other day--it took alot of hours.

 

It is just like my husband just turned off his feelings of love for me one day and that's it. I really feel as though I have been an idiot and that there must be someone else or something. A lot of my relatives have come to the conclusion that he is gay but I just can't imagine that. Has anyone heard of any signs of that?

[polywog]

So still not a word from my stbxh. I see him driving around still. I guess that it is up to me to speak with a lawyer and get the ball rolling as he is the only income and he could be hiding his cheques now for all I know. Mum2three's story just feels so similar in emotion to me, that is why I ended up reading all 24 pages straight the other day--it took alot of hours.

 

It is just like my husband just turned off his feelings of love for me one day and that's it. I really feel as though I have been an idiot and that there must be someone else or something. A lot of my relatives have come to the conclusion that he is gay but I just can't imagine that. Has anyone heard of any signs of that?

 

What made them come to that conclusion, his behavior now or some other intuitions? Have you asked them? Has it ever crossed your mind before, or has anyone ever said anything to you about thinking that?

 

I just found this link on google http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/tribpm/s_473458.html

 

I read it quickly, it looks Ok, worth reading.

 

In any case, the way he's treating you is not acceptable, he's avoiding you and not taking responsibility, not nice whether he is gay or not.

[mikicmikido]

I read the article, thank you. I havenot noticed any of those things but I think that if I had, I wouldn't be wondering.

 

I think that if he were gay that he is conflicted by it and thus can not give me a reason for what he is doing right now and why he is not at all interested in sex. Come to think of it a couple of times we flipped by some adult movies late at night so I left them on hoping it would put him in the mood but still no.

 

I think the reason my family is going there in their minds is because they have all felt that his behaviour suggested that he felt guilty about something or that he was hiding something. I don't know if any of this is even plausible. Maybe I am just doing this because I can't handle the idea that he just doesn't love me anymore and that I can't seem to make him happy. I think that it would really help to have some reason.

 

Anyhow, I am starting to feel really guilty lately. I keep thinking and thinking about all the things that I have said and done in the last few years trying to come up with where things went so wrong. The worst part of all of this is that he was my best friend, my partner in going through the world. Whenever I watch a movie or hear a news clip, it is just so ingrained in me to tell him about it so that we can laugh and share about it. I can't believe that this has happened.

 

If he is with somebody else male or female then I have to toughen up. I think that I have to toughen up anyway. See a lawyer, move on, etc. I can't really entertain the thought of "working" on the marriage as it takes two and he has completely shut down any communication.

 

 

That being the case, how long should I wait before I start putting him away in my mind? It is very appealing to me to start up a sexual relationship with my friend cause at least it will feel good and give me something else to think about. By the same token though, I fell that if I do that then I am really closing the door on my H, but if I don't then it feels like I am still holding out hope which honestly just hurts way too much.

 

I just don't know what to do with myself.