Internet cheating!

[foolbelief]

I will probably post this on a couple of the other sub forums.

 

My wife divorced me last July, this is the second time she did this to me.

 

Her reasoning this time was she could not stand the lies and pain she was feeling and she wanted out. During our counseling time last spring she told me there was no way we could ever make this work. No way. Our counselor hinted that there was something more to the story...the "lies" were basically me hiding my purchases of jetski parts from her. The pain was being the wife of a minister.

 

I had a friend who told me last April that he believed she was cheating. I said no way. She is always home and never out, as a matter of fact she is on the computer..always. I told the counselor about her internet behavior and she agreed to cut back. She did not. She buried herself in the computer, she is on the computer almost 6-8 hours a day when she is not working. She is a part of a message board, she has her on message board on YUKU and she enjoys web designing.

 

Well to bring the story to the title...I found her talking dirty a male poster on the board through pm's. She would tell him that she wanted to have sex with him..could'nt wait for him to be inside her..blah, blah. I found this out while she was talking a shower one morning. She left her laptop on and there they were, im's, pm's e-mails from this guy. I got her cellphone and found a long distance # on it...twice a day for about 60+ calls that month. He is from Seattle, we live in Florida.

 

I literally got sick to my stomach and threw up..I called my best friend. He told me to confront her. I waited that evening to confront her, I did. She lied about him. Then I quoted verbatum what she wrote to him..the sex talk, the "I love you's" there were quite a few and the phone calls. She broke down and cried..then said she wanted to make it work out between us. This lasted for about a week..and she returned to her "boyfriend" on the net talking more than ever. I then told her I was calling him and gonna threaten to make him stop breathing. She pleaded for me to stop. I did not call him. We continued counseling..she then told me she was still going to divorce me. Her counselor said that this was NOT an affair..it was only an infatuation, a fantasy. Our divorce is imminent and the only thing we need to do is make sure our 11 yr. old daughter has great parents. My wife did not want to reconcile. I did.

 

During the month of June before we got divorced, I read as many love books and happy marriage books as I possibly could. To no avail..all the while she was planning to go and meet this guy, then screw him as much as she could. I kept reading her inter-affair stuff as much as I could. I slithered into her message board as a different entity. I would find out what she was doing through her internet friends. They had no idea who I was.

 

We divorced and I did all the things you are'nt supposed to do..I begged, pleaded, used my daughter as an excuse to stay together. I lost weight almost went into a depression. I could not sleep at night for months..all the while I began to do constructive things with my life. I read an e-book about how to get your wife back. I just took the constructive things and applied them. I wrote 1 book and have 2 others I am working on. I started playing the guitar, took lessons, started singing, took lessons. I wrote 2 songs about my ex-wife and 1 song about my daughter. I had the intention of playing my guitar and singing my ex a song to get her back. I tried to play the song I wrote for her the week before Christmas and she said no. I played it in a guitar club and people gave me a great ovation...some women came up and said they loved it..blah, blah. It's pretty good song. We recorded it. I look godd, feel good. I can go out with a 28 yr. old hottie tonight if I wanted to. I have been hit on more times than I can count. But I have deffered to wait.

 

She took off for an entire 8 days to fly to Seattle to see her inter-affair "love". She lied about where she was going to my daughter..I was so tempted to tell my daughter. My ex's best friend still talks to me because she wants us to get back. She tells me what my ex is thinking when I do things.

 

She said my ex believes that there was no affair and that she was only infatuated with this guy. She has seen him twice already. Right. She was starting her relationship with him before we were divorced, she lied to hide it. And it's "love". Right. Anyway..as you can see this ain't going my way. The weird thing is..I still believe she loves me and I still believe we can get back. But I will have to do some things differently.

 

I have made up my mind to go out on some dates..making she sure she hears about them. We have no contact except when she see me to pick-up or drop off my daughter.

 

The new twist to the story came the other night on the phone..I just returned from taking my daughter to the Keys for her birthday..I gave her a promise ring and we had the best Daddy/daughter time ever. My daughter got back and lost her ring. The ex called me to tell me. Well, during the conversation she tells me that she knows about my internet entity. I said yeah, so what? I was on there playing with her friends and had not logged in since last September. She asked why did I do it? I said it was the only way to see what I was up against. I began to talk about her internet friends and their personalities..she laughed when I was calling some them psychos and sex maniacs. She said I had pegged pretty much all of them..even some of the "normal" interfriends. I had become friends with.

 

Well, we talked for over 3 hours! About everything on her boards. All the funny stories. I played it cool. Eventhough I abhor the very thought of the boards, it makes me sick to even think about it. I played it cool. We ended the conversation with me saying how refreshing it was that we talked. She said yeah, but we will NEVER get back together..ever. We can't even be friends in the future. I said ok I am sorry you feel that way. I just bounced off of it. Nothing negative at all.

 

I kow it sounds wierd/twisted but I actually think this was a start for us. She told me she went to Seattle to see this guy Kevin and that they were only friends. I said...wow, how silly of me to think it was anything else. She also said she heard about my singing and playing guitar. I jokingly said "you wanna hear the song I wrote about you?"..ha. She said said nahhh, don't think so.

 

One of the things I have read about people have affairs during their divorce, is they do not work by a big majority, like 80% range. There is no reality in her relationship with him. Eventhough she talks to him everyday on the computer and phone...he is not here. Yeah, she banged him twice on her trips. But there is no way for her to gauge what they have.

 

I love this woman enough to let her go..I have had no contact in months other than a wave or an occasional phone call. Her best friend said she is lonely..and she is still on the anti-depressant medication Welbutrin. She plans her next trip to meet the nerd pos from Seattle. But, she has no one there right now. She does'nt go out, she does sits and writes on the computer.

 

So..I need some ideas and thinking for this. Whatever is impossible with man is always possible with God. But we do have to put actions to our beliefs.

 

Any thoughts?

[SadrBtWizr]

My brother: All things are possible with God, and this woman is the mother of your child. However,

 

I didn't hear a lot of "God" in your post. I heard desparation. I think God has delivered you... Consider this prayerfully...

 

Proverbs 2:10-19

..10 When wisdom enters your heart, And knowledge is pleasant to your soul, 11 Discretion will preserve you; Understanding will keep you, 12 To deliver you from the way of evil, From the man who speaks perverse things, 13 From those who leave the paths of uprightness To walk in the ways of darkness; 14 Who rejoice in doing evil, And delight in the perversity of the wicked; 15 Whose ways are crooked, And who are devious in their paths; 16 To deliver you from the immoral woman, From the seductress who flatters with her words, 17 Who forsakes the companion of her youth, And forgets the covenant of her God. 18 For her house leads down to death, And her paths to the dead; 19 None who go to her return, Nor do they regain the paths of life

 

Let her go. Heal. Let God deliver you. Ask Him for wisdom...

 

James 1:5: If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

 

 

Let God's wisdom protect you, guide you.

 

I've been where you are. Holding on after the divorce is going to wound your heart. And your heart belongs to God, so hurting your heart is not ok.

[whichwayisup]

Until her fantasy bubble is broken, things will remain this way for a long time.

 

You go on, live your life, be happy. Love your daughter and spend as much time with her as possible. Keep things easy and light with your ex, act aloof and relaxed. Don't get personal with her, don't ask questions...Just talk to her about necessary stuff when it comes to your daughter. Eventually she'll realize how lonely she is, and maybe realize what she gave up! Until she's feeling the suffering and consquences of real life vs fantasy, maybe then she'll wake UP.

[Guest]

Until her fantasy bubble is broken, things will remain this way for a long time.

 

You go on, live your life, be happy. Love your daughter and spend as much time with her as possible. Keep things easy and light with your ex, act aloof and relaxed. Don't get personal with her, don't ask questions...Just talk to her about necessary stuff when it comes to your daughter. Eventually she'll realize how lonely she is, and maybe realize what she gave up! Until she's feeling the suffering and consquences of real life vs fantasy, maybe then she'll wake UP.

 

 

This is where I am..I agree with you, that is why I have enacted change. I USED to be desperate...there will always be that sense of urgency because you want what you don't have. But in order to get her to place where she wants me back, I will have to continue the aloofness. She was my best friend before we were married, she is hard to replace. She apparently has replaced me with someone who is 2,000 miles away. She made an emotional tie and now a soul tie. those 2 will be hard to break. They will. I either have open arms or closed arms when the bow breaks.

 

It is not all her fault either, I left the "door" open for this idiot to walk in, no doubt. But, I do love her. I have to change the things that were bad...bad enough for her to look elsewhere. No need for me to tell her I changed, just do it.

 

The reason i even posted here, is to vent. The internet may not be the problem for her, but it sure did'nt help in this case. She is on the net everyday with these people. She accepts their counsel on about everything they say..that is dangerous.

[foolbelief]

Until her fantasy bubble is broken, things will remain this way for a long time.

 

You go on, live your life, be happy. Love your daughter and spend as much time with her as possible. Keep things easy and light with your ex, act aloof and relaxed. Don't get personal with her, don't ask questions...Just talk to her about necessary stuff when it comes to your daughter. Eventually she'll realize how lonely she is, and maybe realize what she gave up! Until she's feeling the suffering and consquences of real life vs fantasy, maybe then she'll wake UP.

 

Which is exactly what I am doing. She is already lonely..she claims that she has peace about us now. Well, why is she still on the Wellbutrin? Guilt. Plain and simple..when i feel the time is right, I will move my heart on. I don't have contact her with her right now. I do not smother her. I am still devastated from the discovery of the long distance affair. Blew my mind. If it were someone here in town, a co-worker or a mutual friend..I could grasp my hands around the reason why. I will wait it out and see what happens. I love my daughter and I know what this is doing to her. There is nothing good that comes from a divorce. Nothing.

 

I have seen so many people's lives shattered by infidelity, I will not be in that statistic. if I have to find another loving woman, so be it.

[foolbelief]

My brother: All things are possible with God, and this woman is the mother of your child. However,

 

I didn't hear a lot of "God" in your post. I heard desparation. I think God has delivered you... Consider this prayerfully...

 

Proverbs 2:10-19

..10 When wisdom enters your heart, And knowledge is pleasant to your soul, 11 Discretion will preserve you; Understanding will keep you, 12 To deliver you from the way of evil, From the man who speaks perverse things, 13 From those who leave the paths of uprightness To walk in the ways of darkness; 14 Who rejoice in doing evil, And delight in the perversity of the wicked; 15 Whose ways are crooked, And who are devious in their paths; 16 To deliver you from the immoral woman, From the seductress who flatters with her words, 17 Who forsakes the companion of her youth, And forgets the covenant of her God. 18 For her house leads down to death, And her paths to the dead; 19 None who go to her return, Nor do they regain the paths of life

 

Let her go. Heal. Let God deliver you. Ask Him for wisdom...

 

James 1:5: If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

 

 

Let God's wisdom protect you, guide you.

 

I've been where you are. Holding on after the divorce is going to wound your heart. And your heart belongs to God, so hurting your heart is not ok.

 

Thank you for the word...I live by the word. I also live by the peace of God in my heart on any situation. When I feel the "release" I let go. I trust the Lord with all my heart, it what I teach and walk. I am in no hurry to start a "new" life, I am patient because the love I had was/is. She is the greatest woman I have ever met in my life..I believe there is a fog over her mind. Deception..this is what is over her now. She cannot see the harm or wrong she has done. She is blinded by lust...when I get the peace of God to "move" on. I will.

 

Desparation was about 9 months ago..right now, I am still in the process of educating myself to the whole internet web that entangles lives. This has hit home for me, I have heard other stories that never meant anything to me. They do now. I am patient. I stand on faith. I believe that anything can be changed...anything.

[SadrBtWizr]

Then pray for her. Hard. You're in a war. (Eph 6:10 etc.)

 

The day my wife left, I was crying out to God asking him why?!? What did I do.

 

A note fell out of my bible, an old, old note, that I had seen in a long time ... it was something she had asked for prayer for 13 years earlier. I had not prayed.

 

The subject of the thing she asked for prayer for was at the core of her infidelity.

 

My role in her infidelity, the thing I failed to do most, was pray. I begged God to forgive that.

 

So, if you don't have peace to go, then fight the evil, pray your warriror prayers... Psalm 18 comes to mind.

 

Inquire of the Lord (1 Sam 30:8) and if he gives you leave ... then do what you must, with all your strength ... (1 Sam 30:17-18). If God tells you to fight, then do not let the enemy have what God gave you.

 

But if He says to move on, then move on. She was His, before she was yours. He is able to deliver, the only question is, to what degree will He allow you to particpate?

[foolbelief]

Then pray for her. Hard. You're in a war. (Eph 6:10 etc.)

 

The day my wife left, I was crying out to God asking him why?!? What did I do.

 

A note fell out of my bible, an old, old note, that I had seen in a long time ... it was something she had asked for prayer for 13 years earlier. I had not prayed.

 

The subject of the thing she asked for prayer for was at the core of her infidelity.

 

My role in her infidelity, the thing I failed to do most, was pray. I begged God to forgive that.

 

So, if you don't have peace to go, then fight the evil, pray your warriror prayers... Psalm 18 comes to mind.

 

Inquire of the Lord (1 Sam 30:8) and if he gives you leave ... then do what you must, with all your strength ... (1 Sam 30:17-18). If God tells you to fight, then do not let the enemy have what God gave you.

 

But if He says to move on, then move on. She was His, before she was yours. He is able to deliver, the only question is, to what degree will He allow you to particpate?

.

 

Right on! Great word.

 

How long? I was reading Hosea and eventhough he was talking about Israel in chapter 2:6-7, the principle was about marriage and infidelity.

 

"6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. 7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first,for then I was better off than now.'

 

I did all of that and she still remained in contact with this man..she is smitten like when we were first dating. I have read a myriad of e-books and writings concerning this phenomena. It could have been Pee Wee Herman that came to her "rescue" and the result would have been the same. I looked at me first, what do I need to do to change? Then, I pray...and having done all I can do. STAND. This is where I am presently.

 

I am a senior pastor of a fairly large church (1,500) we are in the middle of transistion as of last spring, this divorce could not have happened at a worse time. I have been through the worst part of the storm, we in Florida know about hurricanes pretty well, and I compare this to a personal hurricane of epic purportions. It has done a tremendous amount of damage but I can re-build.

 

I used your link and found out even more on the why's because of other links to infidelity and the cause of it. I am learning more and more about why the divorce is not entirely my fault, which is where I put it at first. I now know more than I wanted to know about how the internet traps lives. The 3 A's from one psychologist says it plainly. Accessible, affordable and anonomous make it easy to get involved in sexual behavior outside of marriage. This is damaging marriages accross the world.

 

I now have to stand and wait..for what, I do not know. But God is in control. Period. Whatever happens, he is still God and I still serve him.

 

My wife (ex) will eventually hit a wall, I just know it, but I do not need to be pushing or pulling her her to that conclusion. She will have to find out on her own, that this is not just wrong, but it will never work.

 

If anyone knows her they would say that this is impossible for her to have fallen like this. But she did. We are all sinners...but we cannot save ourselves, we have to ask God to save us. I know she will eventually reach this point..I am just anxiously hoping it will be soon. I love her.

[SadrBtWizr]

I too, live on the Gulf coast, so yes, I know about storms, both physical and spiritual.

 

Our visible leaders are under heavy attack in these areas, it's a common tactic of the evil one.

 

Senior pastors of churches of all size often face pressure to have perfect families, and spend so much time leading and feeding their sheep that they don't remember to care for themseleves and they don't have the opporutnity for true openness with friends.

 

I hope and pray that God has mighty men standing with you.

 

If, in fact, God has called you to a Hosea task, you will need every resource he provides. And you will learn about a love that you never imagined could exist. Keep your eye on the joy He has set before you.

[Sup]

Then pray for her. Hard. You're in a war. (Eph 6:10 etc.)

 

The day my wife left, I was crying out to God asking him why?!? What did I do.

 

A note fell out of my bible, an old, old note, that I had seen in a long time ... it was something she had asked for prayer for 13 years earlier. I had not prayed.

 

The subject of the thing she asked for prayer for was at the core of her infidelity.

 

My role in her infidelity, the thing I failed to do most, was pray. I begged God to forgive that.

 

So, if you don't have peace to go, then fight the evil, pray your warriror prayers... Psalm 18 comes to mind.

 

Inquire of the Lord (1 Sam 30:8) and if he gives you leave ... then do what you must, with all your strength ... (1 Sam 30:17-18). If God tells you to fight, then do not let the enemy have what God gave you.

 

But if He says to move on, then move on. She was His, before she was yours. He is able to deliver, the only question is, to what degree will He allow you to particpate?

 

 

People cheat because they want to, not because you didn't pray for them. Her cheating was not your fault, it was hers, she used that IMO, to justify her cheating. A person can do everything they are suppose to, and still the other person cheats, you're NOT responsible for HER actions, she is. The only person you can stop from cheating is yourself.

 

To belief: I hope you have sole custody of your daughter, you should IMO.

[foolbelief]

People cheat because they want to, not because you didn't pray for them. Her cheating was not your fault, it was hers, she used that IMO, to justify her cheating. A person can do everything they are suppose to, and still the other person cheats, you're NOT responsible for HER actions, she is. The only person you can stop from cheating is yourself.

 

To belief: I hope you have sole custody of your daughter, you should IMO.

 

I do not have sole custody but it is shared, I do get to see my daughter everyday. And of course this has been an unreal process for a little girl to endure. I know others who have gone through this and always hoped that it would never happen to me. It did. Now I have to make lemonade with what is left.

 

You're right about stopping sin yourself. There is NO excuse for infidelity. None. And if you call it anything else but that (she did) then you are lying to yourself. Affairs are covered with lies and deciet, which is what ultimately causes them to fail. I know in my heart who she loves and it ain't the nerd from Seattle. I will just wait until I get a notice to do something else. I either believe what I teach or I don't. In this case I do believe with all my heart that with God all things "which means all" are possible. And my love for her the last 14 years was not in vane.