Partner abused as a child, how to deal with it

[P M]

I'm new to the forums and I wish I could start off with a more cheerful post. Unfortunately this is one of the more pressing issues at hand and one that I don't want to start guessing how to handle on my own. I also chose to write this post anonymously I hope you understand.

 

Almost a year back I started a relationship with a woman I'm really into. Right from the start it became clear to me that everything wasn't quite right. Sometimes she would get all quiet all of a sudden, she didn't respond to me, she didn't want to look at me and she didn't want to touch me or me to touch her.

 

These events could be triggered by various reasons, TV, a movie, something I said, something I did or sometimes just out of the blue. Many times these events were triggered by some level of intimacy. It would usually last for half an hour to a few hours and during that time she would just lay in bed, without saying one word. She never wanted to talk about it during that time and if I asked her about it at another point she became quiet again. I had a good hunch of what it was about and I just wanted to support her. Apart from this our relationship was going flawlessly!

 

Time passed and at some point, still quite early in the relationship, she started talking about it. Slowly but surely the words poured out and she told me she was abused as a child. I didn't want to pressure her to tell me anything she didn't want to and she told me some vague details. It happened repeatedly between the ages of 8-11, by a former friend of her family. She had never told anyone about it before. Although I saw it coming, I was terrified to hear her confirm this. I felt so bad that the person I love had to go through such hell - if only I could've done something - if just turn back the hands of time.

 

Still I had the feeling she didn't tell me the whole truth or even lied, but I was just so proud that she had finally found the courage to come forward so I didn't mention it. Understandably having lived through this changed her. A child should never have to go through anything like this, especially during such a vital stage of development. It affected her relationship with her parents and siblings, as I sense she still blames them for not noticing anything. It affected her school, living in fear she undoubtedly missed out on vital education leading to significantly lower grades than her intelligence could've provided her. She became shy and insecure.

 

It also affected her relationships and her stand on men, shortly after the abuse stopped her sex life begun and she hadn't been in a serious relationship prior to meeting me.

 

For her to finally talk about it really made a change, she didn't get weird and quiet anymore and I felt like she was happy on a new level. We have always been honest in our relationship and especially giving value to telling the other person everything, be it good or bad. I know this approach isn't usually recommended in relationships but it has worked well in ours. Her abuse has been and still is the only subject we don't talk about. I know there is a lot more to it but she has told me that she isn't ready to talk about it.

 

The thing is I don't know what to do. I know that she probably won't start talking to me about it just like that as she kept the whole thing to herself for so long, I'd feel bad asking her about it but on the other hand I think she's better of talking to someone about it. I recommended a psychiatrist but she isn't interested. It's a terrible thing it happened and it's not healthy to have to live with stuff like this alone.

 

I have no idea how to listen to stuff like this, I have experience of people telling me about their abuse before but this is by far the most serious. I just don't know how to react - and how she'd like me to react. As I've studied law, my initial thought would be to bring the SOB that did it to justice, but I kept that thought to myself as I know what hell that can be for the victim especially since it happened so long ago.

 

I still feel that legal action should be the way to go in all cases of abuse, since if it's left unpunished it surely will be repeated, but I don't think she has the strength nor will to go through it besides from a legal point of view that person might just as well be acquitted by the lack of evidence.

 

I want to know what I should do, and how I should react. I want her to talk to someone about it, and it seems like I'm the only person in the world she trusts enough to do so. I want to help her, let's rephrase that, I want to help her in the best way humanly possible. I want to make her accept and forget. I want to help her get revenge if needed. This is the woman I feel I could spend the rest of my life with and I want her to be all that she can be.

 

The SOB had no right to do what he did to begin with, but he didn't have a clue how much else he ruined with his immoral actions. I don't want him to have the power to still affect her after all these years. If anyone has any suggestions how to help, it would be greatly appreciated.

[P M]

I'm sorry that I'm anxious, but I would really appreciate the help!

[What?]

I'm sorry that I'm anxious, but I would really appreciate the help!

 

I think you already answered the question, brother. I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing so far. I think you are handling the situation perfectly. You are there for emotional support and have made it clear, yet you are not pushing her to say anything she is not comfortable telling you. I think in time she will learn to trust you fully, and will tell you everything. In the meantime, just keep doing what you are doing. She needs an an indefinate amount of time, but you are working it brilliantly. She will see you for who you are and will trust you. You seem to be able to handle this with dignity and understanding. We should all strive to be like you. You will be rewarded 100-fold. I know too many people who would have left in a heartbeat under the same circumstances.

[boshemia]

You can be supportive, you can be patient, and you can encourage her to seek help. Mostly though, you are in a position that is very difficult to be in. I have been abused, so you would think it would be easier for me to help others in that position but it's not. It's still a very helpless feeling when someone you care about is hurting and you can't take that pain away...

 

What I can say is that it is very difficult for her to trust anyone, but she seems to trust you. That is a very big step. What I do suggest is that you get her help in a round about fashion. Look around and find a counselor that specializes in abuse situations and develop your own relationship with them. Once you really trust them it might be easier for her to trust them as well.

 

I have been able to get several people to get help using this method, not on purpose but when I recommended someone who was helping me... they trusted them a bit more. And in cases like this it is usually best to go with a female therapist... mine is male, but I wouldn't have been able to even get near him in the beginning.

 

As far as legal action, there really isn't a whole lot that you can do there either. Even in cases with evidence it is very difficult. It is estimated that only 1 in 17 sexual abusers ever does one day in jail. Especially in cases of childhood abuse. It would also require her to testify and go through a lot of things that would revictimize her with no clear positive outcome...

 

She does need therapy, I can tell you this from personal experience. I went through life with the attitude that my past had no effect on me at all, I was tough, and didn't need help. Finally getting help has put me at the most fragile state I have EVER been in... but slowly my mind is being reshaped and I have these thoughts now that I could never have imagined having... just being angry at those who hurt me has been a big step.

 

It is a long hard road, but the freedom I feel is worth it... I couldn't have done this alone, and I couldn't have done it without professional help.

[P M]

Thank you boshemia for your very insightful reply. I really get the feeling you know what you are talking about and I agree with what you say. You are probably right that legal action is out of the question, but it angers me so much to know that it will be "another one" that got away with it.

 

I have suffered of depression in the past myself and although it was long gone by the time we met, I brought the issue up after I found out about her past. I reasoned that if she sees me going to a therapist for a much lesser condition it would be a smaller step for her to go see one. When I suggested it would do her good as well to see a therapist she didn't turn down the idea right away, but she still didn't want to go even if I tried to be as helpful and supportive as possible. I didn't want to even come close to forcing her and dropped the subject.

 

Thank you for mentioning the trust issue as I didn't see it affecting this aspect as well.

 

The problem is that I only had one session with the therapist I went to and she really wasn't a therapist I would recommend. I also lack the funds at the moment to start seeing a high class therapist of my own regularly but hopefully this will change in the future.

 

Do you think it would be easier for her if she told me more about it or even repeated what she said before? As I think that would make the step to talk to a stranger about it lower. Or should I try to get her to a professional first? Since a professional would know how to deal with the information as it appears and also it would be confidential so that she could talk about everything she doesn't want me to know. I can't imagine what I would feel like in her position, but I think that for me it would be easier to talk to a therapist instead of "dumping" it on a person I care about and love.

 

The current situation is that she hasn't told me anything further about her past for several months and it's only been mentioned once since. I know it would be the best solution but I just can't find it in my heart to bring it up when I see that she is so happy and in love knowing how much pain even a mention of it would bring her.