Best of Friends......

[WonderinIfItsReal]

I really dont know where to start other than to just jump right in. Just need some insight, advice, comments etc.

 

So.... me and this guy have been best friends for over 2 yrs. We met at work where the friendship started. We worked together for over a year. At one time, people at work thought we had something going on. I would probably say that we have talked to each other either in person or on the phone everyday for the last year and a half.

 

We have so much in common from work, beliefs, goals, ideas, everything. We can always make each other laugh when the other is feeling down. We listen to each other vent about things from work, family, to school (we both are in grad school), to kids, to friends....... there is nothing that we dont share with each other.

 

Last Oct, I realized that I was beginning to have feelings for him. Well, he knows me so well, he knew that something was wrong. All I did was look at him. He asked "What is it?" I told him nothing, and he told me to stop lying to him. Well, I told him that I was beginning to have feelings for him, and that I didnt want it to ruin our friendship. I told him that we shared so much, talked so much, knew so much about each other that it just happened. Well, he said that he hadnt "allowed himself to have feelings". I told him that I needed to stay away from him for awhile with no talking or seeing each other to allow myself to guard myself again. I have always kept a distance from everyone, so that I wouldnt get hurt in relationships because of past experiences. Well, after about 4 days of no contact with him at all, he called me and told that he couldnt stand not having me in his life. We went back to being best friends, talking everyday and sharing everything again. The feelings were never brought up again.

 

Fast forward to Dec 06. I began seeing someone. He knew this guy and when my friend found out he said that he thought it "was awesome". That if he had to pick anyone for me to be with it would be the guy I have begun seeing.

 

We no longer work together, but still work withing a few miles of each other and he lives less than 15 min from my office. He will come by my office sometimes on his day off and we will go to lunch together, and we still talk everyday. When we leave each other, we always hug each other.

 

The only thing that we dont talk about now is our realtionships with other people other than "hes out of town", or "she went out with some friends". Thats it. Nothing about problems that we may be having in the relationships. If I mention any kind of problems or issues, or even something the guy says, he changes the subject. Most of the time I dont think anything about it.

 

Could he have feelings that he is not showing, not wanting to show, what...... I mean we share everything with each other. I dont understand.

 

Any thoughts???

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

First, you should start out by tackling your own life -in other words, figure out what you want and where you stand in the grand best friends scheme.

 

Are you still dating, and How do you feel about the other man? Is this the type of man you want?

 

What is stopping you from getting together with your best friend?

 

Yes, as you have said in your post that you don't want to ruin the friendship -but what is a relationship without a friendship. Is there more to your withdrawal?

 

You and him are building a pyramid together. A friendship is the core foundation to your relationship, and if it delivers romance then you may have just hit the jackpot. How could you not welcome such an experience.

 

You should do the following [in my opinion]:

 

(A) IF you aren't happy with the other man, you should let him go. It is only fair to be-free someone without further anguish. Because it sounds like your heart and mind are fighting amongst themselves. Not healthy.

 

(B) You should confront him about how he feels. A clear response is better than no response. And, so far, all he has presented to you is an ambiguous trail of friendly words and actions.

 

© Make a decision. Don't leave yourself -and others -hanging in limbo.

 

Take Note: When a man starts to disregard your babbles about your boyfriend/love life this usually indicates that he isn't interested to hear your personal issues on the subject matter -rather he feels it is a burden for him, and would easily fathom to be in the other man's position than to simply be a best friend to you.

 

He is distancing himself because you are distancing yourself. Imitating behaviors/actions/phrases -consciously or subconsciously -is often a way pin-point that someone likes you.

 

Are you willing to take a chance or not?

 

You decide. Weigh out the pros and cons. You know when you're in like with someone, the darnest things don't make sense sometimes.

 

Sand&Water

[WonderinIfItsReal]

Thanks for the response.

 

Well, my best friend and I went to lunch together today. I am really wondering if I should cut some of the contact with him off. Dont get me wrong, he is a great guy, one the best friends I have ever had in my life, but there are too many strange things going on. Maybe its my imagination, maybe not.

 

The reason other than not ruining the friendship, is that he has been together with his lady almost 10 yrs. They are not married, but have been living together for 8. In some states they are married common law. Also, I think that the guy that I am dating deserves a chance. I really like him alot. Of course, our time is limited together because he travels alot, but still.

 

Today, I got this funny feeling when I was with my friend that he had something he wanted to talk about, but he never said a word. I asked him if he was ok, he said he was just thinking about some things. Of course, I know him to well to buy that. I just dont know what was bothering him.

 

I know that I may sound like a school girl when it comes to this, but I am in my late 30's and he is in his early 40's. It just seems so strange that after all the things that we have talked about that he wouldnt talk today. Maybe it is something that he thinks he has to work out on his own, maybe Im trying to read something into it.

 

I will continue to be the friend that I always have, and he can open up and talk about whatever it is in his own time. Hopefully, whatever it is, he will talk about it eventually no matter what was bothering him today.

 

Thanks again for the reply.