Impure Thoughts

[Jamie31]

To anyone that can help me -

 

I really need someone to help me. Ok here's the problem. I have been with my fiance for 3 1/2 years. I am 19 and he is 22.

 

We met the summer before my junior year in high school. Which means that there have been significant changes in our relationship over the past 3 1/2 years since we have both chosen different career paths. He chose to go straight to work, and I chose to go to college, and am currently doing just that, working my butt off so I can be a nurse in a year and a half.

 

About a year ago, I met someone else at my new part-time job. We started out as friends, but then the feelings started getting stronger between both of us. I cheated on my fiance with him one night, and that was something I promised I would never do. Well, me and my fiance ended up braking up, and I started dating this new guy. Well, that lasted about 6 months until I discovered that this new guy wasn't what I thought. So we broke up and me and my fiance got back together.

 

Well everything was fine for a really long time, just like new. Then in July, he got his own place. Ever since then, he has been having a hard time with money. His job cut his hours, and he has been sort of struggling to pay his bills, and I can't help him because I am in school and only work a few hours each week, therefore I don't have a lot of money either.

 

Well...I know the money situation really gets him down, but he seems to take his frustration out on me. Like we fight all the time and he isn't as romantic as he used to be. He always used to leave sweet little notes on my car, or send me flowers or just anything to make me feel special, but lately he just doesn't. He doesn't make any effort what so ever to keep this relationship fresh.

 

I love him dearly, and we are supposed to get married this May...we have already started planning the wedding. But I really get scared sometimes, because I don't think he is ready. He tells me he is, and he tells me that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, and he can be sweet sometimes, but he just isn't giving me what I need. And I sometimes wonder if this marriage is going to end up in divorce two years later, and I certainly don't want that!

 

Ok - here's the real concern - Lately I have been thinking a lot about men that I have been involved with in the past - my lovers, my crushes, my little sexual escapades....back when I didn't care, when I had fun. Also, I have been checking out other men all the time, and every time I meet a nice guy or look at a fine guy...I start wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. And the other night I talked to this one guy for a long time, just small talk really, but he was telling me where he lived and the next night when I got off work, I actually found myself driving around looking for his house! Not with the intentions of stopping - just to look. But it was really scary because I know that if I was truly happy, I wouldn't be having these thoughts about other men or these doubts about our marriage.

 

Should I call the wedding off before it's too late, and break it off? What should I do! What do these thoughts mean! I am desperate to know! I know this was long, but if you can help PLEASE DO SO!!!!

 

Thanks,

Nurse_Jamie

[Haley]

Not at this stage of your life, anyway. It seems like these 'impure thoughts' of yours are not so much about the men you fantasise about, but are reflections of the inadequacy of your present relationship. Why are you both rushing into marriage at such a young age?? You should truly communicate and work everything out - money issues, commitment issues, sex issues. There are obviously some gaping holes in this relationship as it stands, if instead of being able to talk to your fiancee, you have to start looking elsewhere to get the attention you crave. Sit down with your man and let him know how anxious you feel about the current state of things, before you end up cheating on him again.

[mimi]

Maybe the anger that your fiance is projecting on you stems from his resentment of your cheating and breaking up. He could too, also deep down feel that marriage is not the best solution.

As for money issues, marrying into debt could create problems for you too, in the future, and it's generally best to find a way to pay off the debts before you take on his name.

I was engaged at at one point to a man I was with for about 2 years. We broke up a few months ago, I am 21. I too was finding myself attracted to other men, and even flirting with, and setting up dates (that i couldn't bring myself to go on) with guys I had chemistry with. I felt that was a sign that marrying him was probably not meant to be, after all I am only 21 and knew that there could be many more great relationships in my future, and as a perfectionist, I just couldn't settle.

So I would seriously talk with him, and see where he's at with settling or consolidating his debts and if he too feels, marriage is the best option.

Remember your sooo young................

[pinkroses]

they are a sign that you aren't happy in your present relationship. It sounds like you and your fiance are already in different places in life, which is very typical for high school kids transitioning into career/college life. Unlike a lot of young people, for some reason thinking marriage is the answer to their problems, you are looking ahead and trying to avoid divorce or further unhappiness, which is wise. I think anyone who has doubts about marrying someone, or who finds her/himself attracted to other people and going to the point of driving by someone else's house, is definitely not ready to make a commitment. I'd suggest having a talk with your fiance about spending some time apart, to establish yourselves and figure out what you really want. Then when he gets his finances in order or gets a new job and you get through school, if the love is still there, then go from there. Or you may have met someone else, and want to go a different direction. I would definitely advise against rushing into marriage.

[clia]

Don't get married yet!

 

Getting married is about more than being "in love." You cannot have a successful marriage without having mutual life goals. At this point in your life, you truly have barely scratched the surface on what you want out of life. You are going to be shocked at how you feel about life when you are 22, 25, 28, etc. As you grow as a person, get out into the "real world," etc., your views will change.

 

You chose to go to college--he did not. He is already having money problems. This is not going to get any better for him in the future, unless he's one of those ultra ambitious people who can do what they want, college degree or not. You are going to graduate from college and end up making good money as a nurse, and you are going to end up being the breadwinner, and having to deal with his money problems. Is that what you want?

 

I have no doubt that you have strong feelings for your fiance. But you need more than that for marriage to work. Everyone has little fantasies from time to time about other people, but those fantasies don't trump their feelings for the person they are with. If you are having these feelings now and have already been driven to cheat, then what do you think you are going to be feeling in five years, in ten years? What you have goes beyond cold feet. It may be hard for you to end things, but for marriage you need to be thinking about 20 years from now or 50 years from now. Is this truly the person you see yourself with for the REST of your life? Don't stick around just because its comfortable and easy. You have loads of time to find a better match for yourself. Marriage is a big deal!

[Tony T]

You have NO idea what love is, lady!!! You have no idea what commitment is, either. That's OK. I don't think a lot of us do. But most know what it isn't and what you got isn't. Thankfully you stopped by here before you went down the altar.

 

Cancel the engagement, break it off with your guy. If he was Mr. Right, you wouldn't be doing anything you are doing now, you would have no doubts. Well, he may be Mr. Right but at the very wrong time. Timing is just as important, if not more important, than any other ingredient in marriage plans.

 

Marriage Rules Number 1-20: Don't EVER even think about getting married if the person you are engaged to doesn't seem to be the person you want to spend the rest of your days on this earth with.

 

Marriage Rules Number 21-50: If on the day of your wedding, if walking down the aisle to the altar isn't what you want to be doing more than anything else on the planet, walk in...thank your guests for coming...tell them where the reception is...and that the wedding part is being skipped over for lack of time and they can go straight to the reception and celebrate.

 

Don't even begin to worry about what other people think. They won't even be near (and probably won't care much) when you would be going through the hurt and pain of a terrible marriage.

 

Lots of people attend weddings to be seen...and for the food. At least their better than funerals...you can be seen there but there's usually no good food afterwards. They don't even think about what may happen later...at weddings, that is.

 

NOTE: Be extra careful regarding marriage. Statistically, nurses have one of the highest divorce rates.

[Jamie31]

Dear Marriage Expert Tony -

 

First of all - what makes you think you know what it takes to make a marriage successful? And what makes you think you can tell me that I am not ready to be married and give me a list of rules about marriage? You think you know what marriage is all about? That really pissed me off you listing those rules like you know exactly what it takes to make a marriage work. Have you been married? Have you studied and evalutaed this marriage through and through to evaluate what went wrong? Have you been to school and studied marriage and studied the statistics and did all the bull**** research it takes to know all those things? Highly doubtful. And even if you have, you don't even know the whole story behind my relationship, you dont know what we have been thorough or not been through or how mature we are at these stages in our lives. It is different for everyone, and it just so happens that I don't think we have that many problems, every relationships have their ups and downs. I appreciate you trying to help, but if I wanted someone to tell me what to do, I would ask my parents. I wanted the thoughts of other ppl my age to see what they thought, not someone barking commands and acting like they know all about marriage, because noone knows how to make any marriage work. Each marriage is unique with it's own set of problems. So anyway.....I suggest you touch up on your research and stop barking commands.

[Kat]

Originally posted by Nurse_Jamie

Dear Marriage Expert Tony -

 

First of all - what makes you think you know what it takes to make a marriage successful? And what makes you think you can tell me that I am not ready to be married and give me a list of rules about marriage?

 

Umm because you have cheated on him????? I thought that would be enough!

 

 

I have read your post and I feel sorry for your fiance. He is working hard and all you are worried about are flowers on your car, or what guy you slept with in high school.

 

You are NOT ready to be married. You are NOT ready to be commited to thisa guy (or any by the sounds of it) and I find it strange that you cannot see it.

[Tony T]

Me thinks thou doth protest too much...

 

Your chronic overreaction to my post indicates that you were either intoxicated when you read it and replied or you are in a heightened state of sensitivity because of your problem which proves I must have struck a nerve.

 

I stick by my reply and would answer the same way to anybody who purported to exhibit the kind of behavior you wrote in your post. My source of information on the divorce rate of nurses comes from "After Marriage," a book by Susan Kalashian Ph.D., 1987. If you can't find a copy, I'll loan you mine.

 

Anybody who can get that worked up about a post in an Internet forum from an anonymous person needs to take an inventory of their life and thought processes....seriously....for your own sake.

 

While I am terribly alarmed at your defensiveness and state of mind, I do hope whatever you do is the right thing.

 

Note: You are correct about my rules. They were inadvertantly listed as Marriage Rules when they should have been Wedding Day rules. I regret this error and any inconvenience it may have caused anyone.

[pinkroses]

Nurse_Jamie. Although I agree with the other posters that you are not at a place of being ready for committment, I do hear the sincerity and the dilemma of your situation and I don't blame you for being sensitive about it. You didn't come here to this board and post your problem so people could ridicule you and make you feel worse..

 

As far as getting defensive with Tony, I don't blame you, he told me in one of my posts that my relationship was "going nowhere." That just really rubbed me wrong. Like he knows just from my post, everything about my relationship and what the future holds. It would have been more palatable if he'd said, "It looks to me like or it's my opinion that this relationship is going nowhere." He does come across really contrary, and like he knows it all. It's a shame when he does that, because his replies really do seem very insightful and wise other times.

 

Some others are just plain mean, and I think they enjoy the anonimity of being on a message board to be that way, to people they don't know, without being seen. There are ways to reply to people, even if you think they are way off, without being cruel or making rash judgments.

[Tony T]

I think most intelligent people would agree that my and everybody else's posts are opinions of the poster and nothing more. Perhaps I make assumptions of a certain level of intelligence, understanding and reading comprehension on the part of the reader in writing my posts that does not exist.

 

When I write, I do not write for a bunch of babies. I am very proud that my post raised the dander of people who want to take the focus away from the problem posted and put the blame on me. That was the idea when a Messiah came to take the wrap for the sins of lots of people.

 

The fact remains, always, that it is impossible for me to offend people in any way unless they make the conscious choice to be offended. People have to realize that they, not me or any other human on the face of the planet, are responsible for their personal feelings.

 

The fact also remains that many people come to this board for validation, sympathy or just to rant. They don't want advice and certainly don't want to hear that they are in a bum relationship. That terrifies them.

 

When a couple is fighting in public, they can be pulling each other's hair and nearly killing each other. They can be totally wrong for each other. Enter a third party to try to break up the fight and the couple will bond together in defense and jointly turn against the third party and resent the intervention.

 

The nature of this board is such that the only thing you have to go on is what people write down. I give my opinions based on that written word and often I am blunt and direct. The reason I'm that way is because most, I say MOST, people who are in desperate situations are blinded and don't listen to what they need to hear unless they are shocked in some way.

 

If a poster makes the decision to come after me, my wording, my advice, etc. they are simply trying to defend what is happening to them...the very thing they sought to solve. Pretty nuts, in my opinion. It is so much easier to ignore my advice or anybody's than it is to post a response to it. I don't care what people's response is. I post to help them and if the choose to upset themselves rather than ignore what I say, they need help. I got that help for myself and I feel a lot better about the world as a result.

 

To allow an anonymous poster on this board, myself or anybody else, upset you...anger you...hurt you in any way....is absolutely INSANE. To give that kind of power over yourself to somebody you will never meet in your entire life should subject you to institutionalization.

 

To make a demand that people word posts in such a way as to be pleasing is outrageously crazy. If people aren't adult to read what is posted...digest it...and keep on moving, they shouldn't be here.

 

The point of this board is to read in an educated fashion, take the information, use what you feel is appropriate and dump the rest. My posts are based on years of personal experience in affairs of the heart, years of observation of others' experiences, two advanced college degrees...one in psychology...and a lot of years on this planet.

 

But I don't purport to be right, even a majority of the time. But I defend my right to put down what I feel may help somebody and give them the credit to have a very basic amount of intelligence that would enable them to understand their choice of being influenced by it or disregarding it.

 

I am not here to write warm fuzzie things that will have absolutely no value to the majority of people who come here. When love gets nasty, it's not a warm and fuzzie thing.

 

The original poster in this thread seems now to be nowhere near a state of mind or feeling based on the original post. How was I to know that for the five minutes she was writing it, she maybe had a few drinks or was just wacked out temporarily.

 

Maybe she's happy as hell in her relationship....I think if she was really happy she wouldn't have wasted her time lashing out on me. She would have given my post whatever consideration she felt it deserved and moved on.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, use your energy wisely. Getting angry uses valuable energy and caused many physical problems, including stomach problems and heart disease. Ignore that which you feel is way off, mean-spirited, offensive, or whatever....including what I write. That's the sane thing to do.

[Debster]

I agree, people often don't want to hear the advice because it makes them question their actions.

[pinkroses]

who becomes defensive is a baby not wanting to face the issues in their life. I know when I post I want honest opinions and if someone misunderstands my situation or I don't agree with their reply, I'll usually just read it and go on or write back and try to explain myself further, if it seems important to do so.

 

It's only human nature to be defensive when someone is insulting to you or answers a post with sarcasm. No one has all the answers, so you gotta expect to be wrong sometimes, both the poster and those who reply. By the same token, you can't expect a smooth interaction with someone if you start out by putting them on the defensive. No one really hears advice or caring when they feel attacked, verbally or in writing.

 

I'm sure there are some who come to forums just to get pity or whine and complain, but most people, I imagine, are here for a legitimate purpose.

[Jamie31]

To everyone -

 

I just wanted to give everyone an update as to how things are in my relationship right now.

 

But first, I want to thank all of you who wrote me back with good intentions and gave me the best advice you knew how to give, without judging or telling me "how it is". That means a lot, and it helps me realize that there are decent people out there after all. As far as Tony "the expert goes"......maybe I was wrong for lashing out at him on my 2nd reply. And by the way, no I hadn't had anything to drink and was in a perfectly fine frame of mind. I just think it's silly that he pretends to act like he knows so much about relationships. And the fact that he knows so much about Community Forums and why people write to them makes me want to laugh because it shows that he obviously has nothing better to do than sit on his ass in front of the computer reading post after post giving useless advice acting like he knows what he's talking about. Which furthermore tells me that he, himself, must have no social life whatsoever.....so how could he know anything about relationships??? Knowledge comes from personal experience.....not sitting in front of the computer screen reading other people's experiences.

 

Anyway....enough of that. As far as what's going on now - I am very happy to report that me and my fiance (and yes - we are still engaged) are very happy together, and my problem in my first post was nothing more than a case of pre-wedding jitters. I believe that every bride goes through it. Maybe not the same way I did, but I think every bride gets cold feet at one point or another. I mean it is a major life change - how could you not? And as far as me thinking about other guys - I know that didn't mean that I wanted anyone else. Any time a person is in a relationship that had an emotional impact on them, of course they are going to remembe the good times, and think about them every now and then. As is true with other life events that have an emotional impact - that's only human.

 

I am very happy with my fiance and very excited about my upcoming wedding, and I am so looking foward to being married to him. I can't imagine my life with anyone else, and I truly believe that he is the one for me.

 

So, again, thank you to everyone who responded sincerely. I appreciate it, and this message is to you to let you know how things turned out.

 

Thanks!

Nurse_Jamie

[Just A Girl2]

You don't want to hear it, but you've been with this guy since age 15. You're engaged? And planning a wedding? Sorry but you're far too young, so is he. The vast majority of marriages by young folks don't even make it 2 yrs. You're not even emotionally mature enough to KNOW what marriage is about, I'm afraid to say. I know I surely wasn't and neither were any of my friends at that age. Being married at 25 was tough. But I'm sure you'll just go ahead and jump into it anyway......then you'll be back here a year or so after the wedding, posting that it's not working out or that you're thinking about past sexual escapades. Sad when people just jump into the most serious commitment out there...marriage....like it was nothing more than going to some new club.

 

For your fiance's sake, I hope he wakes up to realize what a child he's with and he comes to his senses....before being married to you costs him his heart, a lot of money, and a lot of time. Hope he wears condoms, too......to prevent any potential STDs that might come home.