Wife just left me and I still love her.

[wife_left_me]

This is my first post, I was really glad to find this site because i've been very lost lately.

My wife left me 7 days ago and I don't know what to do.

 

Here is our background. I met my wife 4 years ago when she was 20 and I was 28. She was pregnant after 6 months and we got married because we were madly in love. We have now been married 3 yrs and have a 3 and 1 yr old child. We've had numerous problems over the years and have discussed divorce 5 times but this time it is for real. Before we separated last week we had a heart to heart discussion and I now feel very badly for some things I have done and want things to work but she doesn't.

 

She has been very depressed lately and sits in the bathtub for hours crying. I try to console her but does not react to my attempts. She said she's been unhappy for over a year and felt like I was a stranger and did not feel I loved and respected her and she now felt so empty and lost. She stated she could no longer go on like this and found an apartment by her mothers house.

 

She said it all started after she had our first child. She started experiencing bouts of anxiety and depression and did not feel like I was there for here when she needed me the most. I admit I did not understand her emotional needs and tried to talk her out of the anxiety and depression when she just needed me to listen and be there for her. She said it made her feel stupid for being so emotional, invalidated her feelings and from that point on lost faith that I would always been there for her when she needed me and could not confide in me with her deepest emotions. She said little by little it got worse after I was arrested and started going out to the bar with my friends more often.

 

She felt as if I did not always put our family 1st. During our last fight 3 months ago I called her crazy and said I could not longer put up with her erratic behavior. From that point on she felt like I was blaming all of our marital problems on her anxiety and depression when she felt as if her anxiety and depression was because of our bad relationship. She asked me to see a marriage counselor but I thought it was stupid.

 

How wrong I know I was! I do not blame everything on myself but from what I now understand I caused most of it to happen. I tried to reconcile with her and said SORRY more times than I can remember but she said it is not enough anymore. She is now afraid to try a reconciliation because she is afraid it will just happen again whether it be 6 months or 10 yrs from now. She said she is just not in love with me anymore because I broke her heart a long time ago and she didn't know if she could ever love me again.

 

What do I do? I am desperate for some advice, I really still do love my wife and never intended to hurt he so badly. I just didn't understand how to react to her anxiety and depression.

[MoonGirl]

Sounds like your wife has postpartum depression. She probably needs therapy and possibly antidepressants.

 

Also, she was VERY young when you married, and she still is very young....children, especially young ones, are very stressful to deal with. Marriage is a huge commitment too...your wife might have some feelings about having married too young and having missed out on many things her friends got to experience. Has she ever mentioned anything like this?

 

I suggest reading the Marriage Builders website and the book Divorce Busters. Do not beg, plead with, or guilt trip your wife. Appear to be happy and always pleasant.

 

Does your wife's mother know about her crying for hours in the bathtub? Maybe she can help your wife get the help she needs.

[wife_left_me]

Moongirl,

Thanks for the reply!

 

Yes, she has mentioned getting married too young but she said she always was content with the sacrifice because she had a beautiful family and a loving husband. When our relationship started to have problems it really affect her anxiety and depression. My problem is that I did not know how to deal with her emotional needs and actually made things worse. My wife did consult her mother but it did no good. She felt like I was the only one she could turn to and was not there for her when she needed me, and I regret that now more than anything. I just read divorce busters and it is very helpful, I am starting to feel a little better already. I know now the only thing I can do is make some changes to myself and just hope she will eventually love me again. By telling her I have changed, still love her and want her back all that is doing I pressuring her to make a decision which is even pushing her farther away. I do still love her and would like to make things work, but I am now content in the separation in that we will either divorce and remain friends or we can reconcile and our marriage will be stronger than ever. We both know we could not have gone on with the current state of our marriage. Thanks again.

[polywog]

Moongirl,

Thanks for the reply!

 

Yes, she has mentioned getting married too young but she said she always was content with the sacrifice because she had a beautiful family and a loving husband. When our relationship started to have problems it really affect her anxiety and depression. My problem is that I did not know how to deal with her emotional needs and actually made things worse. My wife did consult her mother but it did no good. She felt like I was the only one she could turn to and was not there for her when she needed me, and I regret that now more than anything. I just read divorce busters and it is very helpful, I am starting to feel a little better already. I know now the only thing I can do is make some changes to myself and just hope she will eventually love me again. By telling her I have changed, still love her and want her back all that is doing I pressuring her to make a decision which is even pushing her farther away. I do still love her and would like to make things work, but I am now content in the separation in that we will either divorce and remain friends or we can reconcile and our marriage will be stronger than ever. We both know we could not have gone on with the current state of our marriage. Thanks again.

 

Good luck to both of you, you sound like a great guy. Hope it works out.

[ilmw]

Moongirl,

Thanks for the reply!

 

Yes, she has mentioned getting married too young but she said she always was content with the sacrifice because she had a beautiful family and a loving husband. When our relationship started to have problems it really affect her anxiety and depression. My problem is that I did not know how to deal with her emotional needs and actually made things worse. My wife did consult her mother but it did no good. She felt like I was the only one she could turn to and was not there for her when she needed me, and I regret that now more than anything. I just read divorce busters and it is very helpful, I am starting to feel a little better already. I know now the only thing I can do is make some changes to myself and just hope she will eventually love me again. By telling her I have changed, still love her and want her back all that is doing I pressuring her to make a decision which is even pushing her farther away. I do still love her and would like to make things work, but I am now content in the separation in that we will either divorce and remain friends or we can reconcile and our marriage will be stronger than ever. We both know we could not have gone on with the current state of our marriage. Thanks again.

 

Good .. you sound like a fast learner..

 

One thing I never understood was how my wife communicated with me... things she would say would go straight over my head.. Like you, things would be said to me... and I would not take it as her reaching out for support... but instead... hay fix this.. or.. I don't like this. etc.. ()

 

The more you read... the more Ah hay moments you will have.... If you are like me... you will go off somewhere and swear your head off... and kick things.. cause of your own stupidity...

 

BUT... you will learn... and see... how you can be a great husband. The guidelines in Divorce Busting.. are great... Follow them seriously. Show her your changes... don't tell her. Be happy... and smile... it does work.

 

Also... be very patient. If your marriage is worth anything to you... and it sounds like it does... be patient with her. Geeesssh... I'm going on almost 11 months... and I'm just getting my DW sounding happy to talk to me on the phone........:laugh::laugh:

 

Anyway....read read and read somemore.. (Dr Phil's book relationship rescue... as advertised by Gunny...... is also a good read.. If I were you go get it... its in paper back now... at Walmart of all places.. here in Canada too...

 

Take care... and keep posting... trust me... it helps allot.

 

ilmw

[MoonGirl]

Moongirl,

Thanks for the reply!

 

Yes, she has mentioned getting married too young but she said she always was content with the sacrifice because she had a beautiful family and a loving husband. When our relationship started to have problems it really affect her anxiety and depression. My problem is that I did not know how to deal with her emotional needs and actually made things worse. My wife did consult her mother but it did no good. She felt like I was the only one she could turn to and was not there for her when she needed me, and I regret that now more than anything. I just read divorce busters and it is very helpful, I am starting to feel a little better already. I know now the only thing I can do is make some changes to myself and just hope she will eventually love me again. By telling her I have changed, still love her and want her back all that is doing I pressuring her to make a decision which is even pushing her farther away. I do still love her and would like to make things work, but I am now content in the separation in that we will either divorce and remain friends or we can reconcile and our marriage will be stronger than ever. We both know we could not have gone on with the current state of our marriage. Thanks again.

 

 

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. You're right - there is nothing you can do right now but work on yourself. Hopefully she will see what she is missing out on.

[wife_left_me]

Thanks for the vote of confidence! I really need it I've always been somewhat of a turtle and usually don't ask for help or share my feelings, but this forum has really helped me get thru some hard moments. Just a few days ago I was feeling depressed and lonely. It really helps knowing I am not the only one out there who feels this way and no matter what happens I will be a better man in the end. Society teaches men to be honest, hard working and a good provider, but they don't tell you these things are meaningless unless your family loves you and you love them back. I wish someone would have beat me over the head with it when I was 1st married. Thanks again!!!

[wife_left_me]

Wow how things can change so quickly. I thought I had things figured out but I am now having a hard time deciding what to do. I've been fighting the urge to call her but to this point have not gone thru with it. Over the last 4 days I've only spoke to her when she calls me. What triggered the situation was numerous calls from her a couple of days ago then a frantic call from her yesterday along with text messages. She has bad anxiety and depression so I do not know what to think. She called me yesterday crying and I almost felt like she wanted me to ask her to come home, I was strong and did not but do not know if I made the right decision. She was upset about how living on her own was so hard and how our 2 children have been so overwhelming. I did not want this to be the reason she came back to me so I offered her a few comforting words and gave her the option to drop the boys off at my house to relieve her stress even though I was not supposed to get them until the weekend. I feel so bad for her because her emotions always get the better of her and set off a panic attack. She did bring over the boys which I was very happy about. What do I do? She is emotionally unstable right now and I do not want to take advantage of the situation, I want her to come back because she loves me and not because she needs me. Some advice would be appreciated.

[jmargel]

The best thing you can do right now is tell her this: "I know things have changed lately and I am learning about all of this right now. I have been doing alot of thinking, soul-searching lately and want you to know I am taking this seriously. I do love you and I do hope we can get through this together. I want you to know that when you are ready to talk I will be here and ready to listen"

 

Then just let it go. If she does want to talk, you have to LISTEN. When she does talk to you the two BEST words that can come from you is 'I understand'. As long as she hears these words, she gets confirmation on what she's telling you is actually getting through to you. When she talks about how you failed her, you will feel disappointed in this but do NOT try to talk her out of believing this. Don't give her reasons on why she shouldn't feel this way, this will only tell her that you really are not listening and nothing will change.

 

Like the old saying, you can only change what you acknowledge. Acknowledge your faults to her and what you have done and vow and then actively work on changing them. The next best thing you can do right now is see a counselor for yourself and let her know this. Tell her that if she wants to, she is more than welcome to join you. Actions speak louder than words and by you doing this, this will get her attention. Telling her your sorry, buying her flowers, etc.. won't. She is looking for change. Not apologies.

[wife_left_me]

J, thanks for the advice, I tried to follow it as best as I could but man I'm such a dope sometimes. She called this morning to talk with our son because she has been very lonely lately and he even made her feel worse. He told her he wanted to live here with me and didn't want to go back to her apartment. I started out very well. I told her "I am here for you when you are ready to talk and still care about you very much" then I started to babel when I should have stopped. I also told her not to feel like I've stopped loving her because I seem happy and stopped asking her to come back. I didn't want to pressure her and wanted to show her I have changed (by saying that I know I applied some pressure what a dummy). I felt like I needed to say these things because she has been very depressed lately and on the verge of a panic attack a couple of days ago. but now I feel like I've taken a step back and am back at square one. I started having helpless anxious feeling as soon as I hung up the phone like I wanted to call her back and explain myself further but I at least was able to stop myself from doing that. What now?

[jmargel]

If you were to call her back right away you would have been pressuring her into coming back. It's good that she is calling you like this and when she does accept it with open arms. It would be another story if she was cheating, but that is not the case. Just re-read my prior post a couple of times and try to put yourself in her shoes. If you were in her situation what would you want? This is not about winning her back, but trying to find the root of the problem and getting rid of it. Otherwise the leaves on this weed will just grow back. Couseling will do both of you wonders, since she needs someone to help her with her anxiety issues. Some of these issues are probably from within' herself while the situation she was in, intensified it.

 

For now let her make the next move. When she does call or come over, be receptive and remember to LISTEN to her. More importantly start working on yourself so she can actually SEE change starting to be made. I would highly suggest finding a counselor today and to setup an appointment. You have no idea how much this could positively affect your own life and this whole situation.

[wife_left_me]

J, Thanks again for your reply. I do feel better already. I just need to keep telling myself there is nothing I can do to MAKE her come back. I need to SHOW her I have changed and want this marriage to work and just hope she WANTS to eventually work things out and come back. I read your other thread about separation and a lot of points really hit home. When we got married 3 yrs ago she was only 20 and I 28. After about the 1st year I can see now we fell into the parent / child relationship and it really affected our relationship and intimacy. I am not very controlling but with all of her anxiety and depression problems I did take on much of the responsibility both financially and with the children. I was the only one working and felt the strain on a daily basis but felt like she did not understand, I would complain about her spending because I really felt it was affecting our ability to pay the bills and support the children. I still do feel like I did the right thing but I can see now her perception. All her friends were still in college and would spend money at a whim and my wife would also do so when she was out with them. I guess she really did miss out on that part of her life and I feel badly for that but with the children I thought she was being immature and selfish. She always called me cheap and constantly argued with me about where our money should be spent. I was just looking out for the best interest of our children and being responsible but I guess that was when I became the parent and her the child. Was I wrong for doing so?

[AHIWON]

No you were right. With a family and children meant responsibility and somehow your wife completely missed it. She needs to grow up and mature instead of acting like a screaming kid that you didn't buy a toy for.

[wife_left_me]

A, Thanks for the reassurance. I know I shouldn't but after reading some of these other threads from women who felt like their husbands were too controlling I can't help but feel I am somehow at fault when I felt like I was not. I just don't know anymore if I was too controlling or not. I wonder if she did it out of spite because I always complained about it and if I really did trust her and said nothing would she have respected my trust and not broken it. Not sure anymore what would have been the right approach. Man I have never second guessed myself like this before but I am trying to be more understanding and learn from these experiences.

[whichwayisup]

One thing that can help YOU - Google 'depression fallout'. That site will really help you through all this, and has lots of useful information.

 

Remember too, the anxiety and depression has changed your wife, she isn't the woman you fell inlove with at times...Her ways of thinking and handling aren't healthy. Has she gone to therapy? CBT? (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) Has she been on meds to help cope with the anxiety and depression?

[wife_left_me]

w,

Thanks for the link it is right down my alley.

 

She has been to a counselor for anxiety, depression and low self esteem but since she also has a thyriod problem and many allergies she has tried and failed with just about every medication. She took EFEXOR for the longest time and seemed to work best for her but I did notice if she took her EFEXOR or thyriod medication even an hour late she was a different person. On top of it all she was only 20 when we got married and I don't think she knew what she was getting herself into, not that I did either. I tried to talk her into going back to counseling for her problems but then I unknowingly made her feel like I was blaming all of our marital problems on her, which I guess I was to some amount but I truly only wanted for her to get help. It is hard watching the person you love sit in the bathtub for hours crying. What really sucks is that I am pretty sure her counselor told her to follow her feelings to make her happy and our marriage was one of the things making her unhappy. So now we are separated so she can find herself which I think will help her in the end. I'm no angel and did fess up to my mistakes in the original post. Part of me is dead inside because the person I love has left but I also have some relief from the stress related with her emotional problems. Not really sure how to feel anymore I guess. I do know I still love her and would do anything to make her happy again.

[AHIWON]

Wow, thats pretty rough stuff with the bathtub. Seems kind of manic or something. First thing you need to do is stop bugging her for every little thing. Leave her alone for a while. Let her contact you. Be nice as possible, even if she lashes out at you. Keep your cool. You might get her respect back. Your wife sounds like she isn't getting the treatment she needs, ever considered another MD?

[whichwayisup]

I hate to ask this, but are the kids safe with her?

 

Good that you found that site!

[wife_left_me]

Yes, she loves them very much and I've never seen anything that would make me think any differently. She also lives very close to her parents house who can help her out when needed. I also told her she can call me anytime if she feels overwhelmed and I can take care of the boys.

[MoonGirl]

I would be hesitant to leave the kids with her even if she loves them very much. Someone who sits in the bathtub for hours crying is not at all stable. And now that she's moved out, she may be even less stable. It sounds to me like your wife needs some serious therapy and probably medication too. If your wife is really depressed, it could certainly affect her behavior and the way she cares for the kids. Are you sure it is safe for the kids to be with her?

[Gunny376]

Your wife is suffering from depression ~ to their safety and well being the children should be with you.

[wife_left_me]

Thanks for the advice and concern, I will talk with her about it tomorrow. It is going to be a very touch subject and hard to come across as concerned without making her very defensive. Sometimes I think our kids are the only thing keeping her sane which makes me very sad for her but at the same time concerned for my boys.

[wife_left_me]

Well, I talked with my wife yesterday and she is convinced a divorce is the only solution. It does hurt knowing it is over but it is somewhat of a relief knowing how to proceed. I do feel as if she is rushing into the divorce because she just enrolled on culinary school and figured she cannot get financial aid as long as we are still married true or not it just sucks she is not willing to give me another chance. When we spoke I was very calm and understanding even though I was dying inside and wanted to scream. I made it seem as if I also wanted a divorce mostly out of pride and to save a little dignity for myself. I know even if I begged her she would not come back. It is hard accepting a decision you really do not agree with but since it is out of my control I am going to have to cope with the situation. I have had many suggestion for divorce busting which I have read and helped me over the last 2 weeks, but now I guess I need to switch gears and start learning how to move on. Any suggestions.

 

I don't really want to think there is a glimmer of hope but after we spoke and I agreed with the divorce she called me twice for no reason once at midnight. Don't really know how to read these actions.