Lonley, regretful, hurting. should have done more

[Guest]

Forgive me if this sounds familiar but i need help. Long but bare with me.

 

First a little history.

 

My girlfriend and i have been together for 2 1/2 years. We met thru mutual friends and were friends ourselves at first. I was attracted to her from the begining as she was to me(as i later found out). We eventually started to date and eventually moved in together. We did most everything together Vacations etc. We had an amazing time together. She is an amazing giving person who always looked out for me as i did the same for her.

 

 

We had a few discussions about marrige in all forms from kids to just about everything else related. Here is my first mistake... I new that she was the one and that i wanted to spend my life with her but i wanted so much for everything to be right for us Job, money, house etc. I think because in the back of my mind i knew that i would want to start a family right away with her as i think she felt the same way. I thought that i was clear with her on this but as i will explain later it looks like i was not.

 

 

Fast forward to the situation. In the past few months my job has placed a lot of stress on me. there were and still are alot of un knowns that i wanted to figure out before i took the big step. During this time subconciousley i became distant. And she noticed it and delt with it as best she could. Loooking back i wish that she would have sat me down and knocked some sence into me but she did not at least directly. As i look back she did make attemps that i thought were just her normal way.

 

 

As we progressed in the last few months she began to work more and she began to come home later. I just took it as she is very busy and i respected that. when she came home at night i would make sure she was comfortable and i would not force myself on her. I knew she was tired and i respected that. This was not a good decision on my part. I began to accept the way things were because i loved her so much and still do.

 

 

About a month ago i came home to find her gone. She explained to me that she was tired of the way things had become and she needed to make a change. She professed her love for me but she needed time to get over the hurtful complacent situation.

 

 

Since her leaving we have had three conversations about what happened. I sound like a broken record. " I love you, i have learned my lesson, I do not want go thru this again with you, I messed up, I am sorry, I LOVE YOU". Again she says she loves me but she needs time to get thru it.

 

 

I have stopped bringing it up.

 

We talk alot and have great conversations with each other on the phone. We talk about the good times which i long for so much as i think she does also I try my best not to show her how miserable i am as i know this will push her away. who wants to be with a miserable sap. We have not spent much time together as she has made herself real busy. I respect this. She needs to do whatever to heal. The times we have spent together have been real good. We get along great.

 

I do not tell her i love her nor do i try to kiss her. Just a great hug wich she gives in return. Despite our limited communication we still say goodnight to each other and good morning almost every morning via the cell. I was told by a couple of people that know us that she may percieve n/c as a bad thing. She would think that is rude. They say to just continue to have the great conversations and be there for her.

 

As for myself. I have began to do the things for myself that i always said i would do. Not all at once as this would be a little much and a bit supicious to her . I try to hang out with friends but most are in relationships which makes it hard.

 

 

The timing for all of this was horrible. I was preparing to pop the question and i knew that we had to talk before i went any further. I did not get that chance or at least not yet. I LOVE HER and everthing she is, i wanted my future with her as i think she did with me but i messed up by being blind and not seeing what was in front of me in time. Let this be a lesson to you all. Do not take things for granted and always, always communicate no matter what it is. It will be the best way to avoid all of this.

 

I am so lonely without her and i want her back in my life but i know i cannot force it. HELP PLEASE!

[whichwayisup]

It seems you two grew apart because each of you got busy, was tired, and neither of you talked about it, communicated your insecurities, or worries at the time.

 

I mean, if you were to tell her exactly what you put down here, wouldn't that atleast open her eyes, enough to openly discuss the relationship with you?

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is let her know that you hope when she clears her head, maybe there's a chance. Even offer to go to couples therapy with her. Could help actually.

[daphne]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you are a pretty considerate boyfriend. You just madea pretty typical male mistake. Taking your girlfriend for granted. I think even more than cheating, this is what gets men in the most hot water and it's the hardest to forgive. When a woman feels neglected or unappreciated, it seems to hurt her pride and self esteem. Most guys dont' get it quickly like you did though and they have to get dumped by different women for the same reason. The good thing is you knew, so I doubt you'll make the same mistake again.

 

I want to suggest an ebook to you (no i'm not a marketer) with a caveat. It's called Stop your divorce. The caveat is I think you should try the slow and easy approach of continuing to talk to her for a while. Then, if nothing happens and she looks more resolute to move on, read this book. I promise, even though it's a hard read for the first timer and someone who detests playing games, this stuff does work. I would use the book as a back up method, however and not as your first option because it sounds *like your ex isn't 100% sure what she wants to do. Sometimes, time apart will remind her that you're a good guy and maybe deserve a second chance. IF she doesn't come to this conclusion, plan B is get the book.

 

good luck

[frd150]

Thanks for the advice. Sorry i posted originally without logging in. My head is not right at the moment.

 

It's funny someone i know is in my girlfriends shoes almost exactly right now. This person told me that her boyfriend is not even trying to make things right and she said that at least i am trying. Kinda goes along with what you guys told me. I must say that my girlfriend is better than me at keeping things in and hiding what is trully going on with her.

 

I wish so much that i could put an end to this and go back to the way things were months back before all this started. She says that she wants the same but like i said she needs to sort things out in her own head before we can try again.

 

The anxiety is killing me. The ball is in her court and i miss her sooo much. I wish that there was some magic way to convince her to give it another chance. Despite the way she talks to me i think that she is struggling also she is too caring of a person to not be affected by this. I want to dicuss the situation every time i talk to her but as i said she does not want to hear it anymore "we have already gone over it"

 

Man, if i could only go back and change things. I am so sorry.

[frd150]

Is the book by Homer Mcdonald??

 

I checked out the website and read what he had to say and it makes lots of sence (if this is the same guy). I have stopped the pushing and whinning (as hard as it is) and the communication lines are still open and i should consider myself fortunate that this is the case. I think we have both acknowleged the gorilla in the room. I just hope i don not loose her for good.

 

I still think of what was and what i may miss without her and it rips my heart apart. I try to stay positive.

 

Let me know if it is the same book. Thank you so much.

[daphne]

Yes, that's teh book. Read it to get insight on how not to push her away. Definitely don't rehash any details of the relationship or breakup. Let her do it if she wants. Pushing can have some negative consequences.

 

The important ingredient to getting someone back, is attraction. It doesn't matter how people think or what they say, this is the key. That's why whining and begging don't work. No one's attracted to someone they feel sorry for. And what you read on the boards about people's reactions of why they won't take someone back (or their exes reactions) isn't necessarily the truth. People make up their minds and then justify their decisions with anything that sounds good. And most of the time, it's really tough to make up your mind to leave someone when you are attracted. Confidence is very attractive. Being ok with who you are even if someone leaves you is super attractive. You're going to have to fake it until you make it and try to remember that panicking over it isn't helping and will only hurt your chances. You have nothing to lose by letting go of teh outcome and putting your best foot forward. You have everything to lose by trying to control the outcome. True in sports, true in relationships. Don't let fear dictate. Besides, fear is also highly unattractive.

 

[frd150]

I read homers website and it makes so much sence. There are so many people on L/S that could benifit from the web page alone. Tip= read the blog section and you will want to read more.

 

Fake it as rough as that sounds is what i have to do. not fake how i feel for her but how i feel in this situation, i want to be clear on that. I do not feel that i am that attractive right now so i have done everything to let on that i am fine so as not to scare her. When we talk the subjects range from our younger years to things we have done together and everything in between. Last night another great conversation . She called tonight as i was typing this and we had a great conversation. I do not know what all of this means or what the outcome will be but i have to take what i can get at this point and i hope that it will lead to us being a happy couple again. The advice has helped as it has really reinforced what others have told me but they only bias in my favor. You guys do not even know me which makes it that much more helpful.

 

I appreciate it and any further insights you may have

[daphne]

If you don't feel attractive right now, hit the gym. It'll give you much needed seratonin and will help you feel better about yourself. The better you feel, the more attractive you become. It can also help fight off depression.

[frd150]

Thanks Daphne,

funny thing about that...

 

Last night i was thinking about going back to the gym near me and on comes the news. That partiqular gym has had a rash of auto break ins. Of all the gyms in the area that would have to be the one. Wont stop me though. i agree with you fully.

 

 

I am taking your advice and things are moving along for the better. We talked again today. Each call seems more like when we first started 2 1/2 years ago(Really Good). I have come to the realization that good thigs are worth waiting for. As much as i want it now I have to be patient (this is outside of my nature). She is extremely worth it.

[daphne]

He that can have patience can have what he will. It requires effort and I don't always pass the test, but it's brought amazing things to my life.

[wlminfla]

My friend, you and I are exactly the same in every SINGLE situation except for one...I let her get away. I didn't keep up contact with her when she wanted her space, and now she is dating someone else and it is literally killing me a little more each day. Read my post called "I'm desperate" under the Breaking Up section and you'll see what I mean. My friend, DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID. DON'T LET HER GET AWAY. I will probably always be filled with these regrets and it kills me because I let my best friend and the love of my life slip through my fingers via stupid male mistakes.

 

WLMINFLA

[frd150]

Hello wlminfla,

 

I read your post like you asked and Wow Very similar. I am trying my best to maintain contact without seeming needy. I have learned that this is the only option i have. We are still talking and this is good even though i desperetly want more. I am honering her wishes and hopefully gaining her affection back by doing so.

 

I will do my best not to scare her or let her slip away. Thank you for the advice and i hope that things turn around for you either with her or someone new. I pray alot about this and i will include one for you. Stay strong as hard as it is. Believe me i know.

[shockandawed]

Hello Frd,

 

Sorry you are going through such heatbreak. There is nothing worse and it is the reason the vast majority of us are here. I won't drag my details here, but I got dumped by my ex-fiance right before Christmas. I spent a considerable time like you blaming myself. She was a horrible communicator, yet I blamed myself for not working harder to get things out of her. There is plenty more, but bottom line, my ex started a new relationship and kept me dangling with guilt until she had it cemented. Then of course, let that out of the bag.

 

I had the same thought process you are having. Not only the self blame, but the illusion that if I could maintain friendly contact, then I could win her back. Several wiser posters advised me differently, that I would do nothing but make her feel better about where she is going and would probably be the first to hear about any wedding or such. After several weeks of hearing her tell me she was regretful, the grass wasn't greener, reminiscing about things we did, I got very hopeful. Then, she changed back, still friendly, but encouraging me to move on, etc.. because she had.

 

I don't see anything from your post that indicate you deserve what happened. To move out without trying to work on things is very drastic and shows signs of a horrible communicator. Ok, you got consumed by your job as she did. So what? Does that justify just bailing on the man you supposedly love? What did she do to help you and understand??Is this who you want to marry? True love is about being there and supporting each other through thick and thin. Not sneaking out the door.

 

If you got back together, what is she going to change? Has she showed any signs of regret and willingness to correct her weaknesses? Would you honestly be able to go back to what you had, or would you constantly be reading into everything and waiting for her to bail again? I don't think you could ever relax.

 

You have to pull back completely for you if nothing else. I know the fear that she will move on if you do. Unfortunately, she will move on easier with her new pal supporting her. If she is in love with you, she needs to be the one coming back. And nothing will keep her from doing that if she is. You have to believe that. Until then, this will keep stringing along until she is over you. She is doing nothing more than resolving her guilt for moving on and you are helping her.

 

I blew NC and the great advise the posters gave me. I thought like you if I could be fun and friendly, I could recreate the attraction she had 3 years ago. All it got me was a long delay in the recovery process. Don't make the same mistake, you won't get her back by being her friend.

[daphne]

Shock,

 

I know it's easy to see a lot of situations as being the same as ours, but that isn't always the case. Whereas most of the time I see the same old thing in human behavior (I think most people are extremely selfish and will continue to use the other person as a safety net), I don't think his ex necessarily left for greener grass and is putting the blame on him. I think she tried and was unsuccessful at letting him know that she wasn't happy with the complacency.

 

I'm the first one to say cut teh chord when the writing's on teh wall. Read my posts. I can be hard on exes. The vast majority of teh tiem I don't think it's even worth going back to. But there are a rare few situations that I think are salvageable. And just on the feel of teh original poster's post, I think this could be one.

[frd150]

Hey shock

 

I appreciate your honesty and sharing your situation.

 

To shed a little more light i will give you some insight on how she does things...

 

She has always been very straight forward on what she wants in every situation of our relationship. I know what you are thinking (what about now). She says what she thinks when the situation calls for it. With that said she did in this case and i did not listen. I can be very stubborn. Today we got on the subject of some issues that led to our situation, things that i have realized over the past couple of weeks. Well what happened was i was talking about something related (but not directly) and it triggered her to take the conversation further. My intention was not to intise her but merely to inform her about these realizations, it was very positive. It was not a negative conversation in the least. She basically said "You see this is what i was trying to get through to you all along" and as the conversation continued she offered me advice on how to make theese realizations a reality. This was the first time she was able to talk to me about the situation without me interrupting with the i'm sorrys and the ive changed. I just listened and agreed. not for the sake of kissing up but because she was right. Theese issues were the root cause of her leaving and she needed an uninterrupted opportunity to get them off of her chest. All i did was explain ( when she was finished) how i was going to make the changes and what i have done so far. This seemed more productive than past conversations.

 

 

I know i should have payed attention to her sooner and avoided all of this but sometimes we all need a wet towel across the face.

 

To address what you said about me not deserving what happened. All i can say is she put the signs in front of me and i chose to ignore them. Wether i deserved it or not i created a miserable situation for her that affected all aspects of her life. Acknowledgement in it's true sense is the first part of fixing the problem. I thought i had don it but only on my terms with interruptions which did nothing for her. I was still being hard headed. As for the way she left. Well if you knew me i would have probably been on my knees begging her not to go. in her way she thought this would be a little less painfull for me and her both. It was not an easy decision for her as i could tell that she had been crying.

 

As for her ...yeah no one is perfect and and she is not the acception but i loved her in spite of this. If you had met her you'd know why, she is a great person to be around. Sorry i digressed. I think that if i had talked to her more about things that bothered me relating to her i would not be in this situation. She always was bothered by this but i never wanted to start issues so i kept it in.

 

As for me i know that i cannot go on for ever but we agreed on some time to try and mend and figure it out. I cannot force her into anything she does not want to be in, we all know that would never work. I want her back every minute of the day but i do not feel i am in the position to call the shots. If you know of a better way to convince her , please i would like to hear it.

 

In my situation it's not about being "fun and friendly" it's about being the person she fell in love with because despite how i acted thats who i still am.

 

As far as someone else...

 

I can do the following

 

A. Stalk her. But then what do i do with the info? it would eliminate any progress thus far. Just want to say that have tried to do this a couple of times but now i stop myself when i get the compulsion.

 

B. Be the spanish inquisition. This would really make her want to come back.

 

C. Trust her. She is not one to harbour guilt in matters of the heart. I have to trust her and i have to trust the reasons for our continued communication.

 

If at the end of our timeline she chooses to move with or without someone else then it will be a the cross i have to bare and i will have to move on myself.

 

If she was not worth it i would not even be trying.

 

Sorry for the rant. I just want you to know that i appreciate your advice and i will not disregard it. I know that you are only wanting me to be cautious.

[frd150]

Hey Shock,

 

Did not mean to ad the thumbs down. Sorry for that

[frd150]

Hey Daphne,

 

I am usually a pretty level headed person and i know not to look for hope where there is none. In this situation i still feel that there is something to be saved. I am not ready to give up yet and from the looks of things she is not either. Just have to play by her rules and give her the space she is needing.

[frd150]

It seems you two grew apart because each of you got busy, was tired, and neither of you talked about it, communicated your insecurities, or worries at the time.

 

I mean, if you were to tell her exactly what you put down here, wouldn't that atleast open her eyes, enough to openly discuss the relationship with you?

 

Hey which way,

 

I have been thinking about this and i think that we both know the score (her and i) The attempts i have made have only managed to set us back. I am making small steps in the process of explaining myself to her. I cannot go off the deep end at this point. I think she would run away with flames at her heels.

If you know another way please let me know.

[frd150]

maybe i am reading to much into this but i am a little confused.

 

We have been talking daily as you know from reading my posts and all conversations have been going well. All of a sudden as of yesterday no call, no response, no nothing. I am assuming that she wants a weekend to herself ". Like she said before " I need to miss you again". "i want to miss you again".

 

Well i am going to spend today and tomorrow with friends but i was really hoping to go out with her tonight. Wishful thinking i guess. She has been stedfast in saying that she wants to take the time apart so that we can both appreciate what we had. Remember my problem was complacency. She says she still loves me.

 

I hope things are not going the wrong direction.

[shockandawed]

Hey Frd,

 

Let me ask you, all these conversations you all are having, who initiates them? I mean, are you calling her and she is being nice or is she making efforts as well?

 

I really hope she is sincere and you can get back together. I just think it's not fair to you to string you along while she sorts herself out. I really think if you are going to work out, instead of this, you need to be working together or with a counselor. Have you approached her about that?

 

Not sure how to do it, but you have got to get some control of this situation. I am afraid as long as she knows you are waiting with open arms, she will continue to drag this out until she has something else.

 

Hang in there and keep posting.

[daphne]

To address what you said about me not deserving what happened. All i can say is she put the signs in front of me and i chose to ignore them. Wether i deserved it or not i created a miserable situation for her that affected all aspects of her life. Acknowledgement in it's true sense is the first part of fixing the problem.

 

If your ex doesn't take you back, can I have you? I swear, of all of the men I've dated, none has ever been able to fully confess their transgressions and accept responsibility. Like a man. If your ex doesn't end up taking you back, you'll be good pickins for some other lucky girl.

 

As for the lack of contact in the past few days, don't look into it. Stay busy. You have a plan and I think it's a very good one. If you let the doubts and negativity creep in, it will sabotage your efforts. Do something different than what a lot of people on these boards do. It hasn't worked for most of them. Your situation is fairly unique for several reasons. If you want different results, try something different. Keep your cool. It'll be ok. Just do your own thing for now and let her come back around to you this time.

[Erik]

Whatever will happen, this will always be between you. Maybe she lacks style, but once her decision has been taken, she's not likely to go back to how you once were.

 

Better move on, and for Heavens sake, don't play her that broken record, it only makes for irritation and pity.

[frd150]

Hey Shock,

 

To answer your question...

 

The calls have been coming from her also. In fact there were a couple of days this last week where i had decided to not call and just when i figured she was doing the same my phone rings. She seems to be making efforts as well.

 

I hope she is sincere but right now only she knows. I agree about the counselor,but how do i approach it at this stage of the game? I mean she might take this as being pushy and she might get scared.

 

If you read my post from yesterday you saw that she and i have not talked in a couple of days(All of a sudden). A game maybe? Yesterday i talked to a friend who was in the same situation and she said that she did the same thing to a guy for two reasons.1. She needed to do her own thing for a couple of days without worring about her situation and 2. She saw it as a test to see how her guy would respond. She said that it was a real hard thing and she was constantly thinking about her guy. Well she is back with this guy and they are very happy. They had about a three month split. Her advice to me was to not go off the deep end with phone calls and such. I am following her advice as hard as it is. She knows my girl well enough that i can trust her advice . She said to keep her guessing and not be so available like you have all told me.

 

I HATE GAMES.

[frd150]

Hey Daphne,

 

Thanks for that.

 

The lack of contact put scary thoughts in my head.

 

Had a good day yesterday with some good friends. It really helped me keep my mind off of this. (well,most of the time). In my reply to shock i mentioned a conversation with a friend,well this friend also said "she is thinking about you as much as you are her" I hope this is true but i cannot count on it.

 

Maybe this is a dumb question but what do you mean be doing something different?

 

Right now the doubts and negativity are killing me but i am trying to squash these feelings. You are not the first to give me advice on this but as you know the brain is a funny thing and right now it is battling with my heart.

 

So when i do talk to her do i ask her why she did not call or do i leave it to her to bring it up? It seems so wierd that all of a sudden she would do this and i would really like to know why.