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Lonley, regretful, hurting. should have done more

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daphne

daphne

Posted
Posted

Hi Frd,

 

Sorry I was so vague. I meant do something different by not resorting to full NC when NC may not be the way to go. It would be very easy you to follow what a lot of us have done by reading a lot into things, getting very upset, then resentful, then letting the ex have it in order to avoid feeling the extreme discomfort. Then you blow it. Then you get to do the song and dance of how she has issues and she screwed it up, etc. This seems to happen on this board ad nauseum. Do something different. React appropriately or very little. Use your head and don't be blown away by emotional curve balls. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

 

If you're not chasing her and are being a little aloof, she probably is thinking about you. It's hard to break up with someone after a significant amount of time and not think of them.

 

Do not ask where she's been. This is a push. She owes you no explanations. You have to quell those feelings. Go with the flow and be aloof. Even if it kills you. If you're busy and trying to move on (which you should be doing even if you are hoping to reconcile), then you wouldn't notice not hearing from her. It's attractive when you have a life without her that doesn't stop because she's not calling. So live that life. Your friend's right. Keep her guessing. Btw, my ex did all of these things and even did not flinch when I started dating a new guy. Was I aware that it was killing him? Yes. He had it coming though. lol I will admit that I did find it very attractive that he didn't act jealous or threatened, even though I'm sure he was. At one point, I even flirted with him while I was on a date with the other guy. Bad, I know. But I stopped it when I realized that the other guy didn't deserve that and it was getting too complicated.

 

Chin up. Read a book. Work out. Stay busy. Report back. ;)

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frd150

frd150

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Well Daphne,

 

From the looks of things you and my friend were right. As of the end of last week with no respons after no response from her i decided that as hard as it would be for me i would not phone her. I just thought that maybe this was her way of insisting on some time alone to think or just do her own thing. As i said i did my own thing as well. There were so many times where i had my phone in my hand but i knew i had to stay strong. It was tough.

 

It was late sunday night and i was feeling pretty low. You know, thoughts of "well it's over,she's done" Well i was wrong, i hope. The phone rings and it was her. She had a lot of questions. What did you do? why did you not call? did you have fun? It was truly a wonderful thing to here but i remaind calm. I let her know what i did and that i did not sit at home. She then proceeded to tell me what she did. She went out of town with family to an event that i had previously known about but with everything going on i had forgotten about it. We got past the questions and just proceeded to talk about whatever, it was good. The next day we talked in the am. and then a couple of more times in the afternoon. I will admit i got alittle excited and made one of the calls but the others came from her.

 

There are so many things going thru my head and my emotions are up and down. I go from positve back to all of the what ifs.

 

I Know i keep saying it but i miss her so much. It's now like when we first dated and i could not wait for the call. Kinda cheesy i know but that's just how i feel. I think back to then and the conversations we are having sound and feel so familiar.

 

what should i do from here? I do not want to mess up any progress thus far. Hope i am not being a pest but but on my own and in my state of mind i think i would just mess things up.

 

Thanks.

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shockandawed

shockandawed

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Frd,

 

I am glad she called. I still sense somewhat of a game here. If you are having to guess which move to make, then something is amiss. I understand times when people need space to clear heads, but she is giving you nothing other than dangling along.

 

You know you did things wrong. You think you have learned from them. Well, I think that needs to be explained. Make a list of what you have learned, call her up and ask to meet somewhere. In the meantime, also make an objective list. Who you are? What are your interests? What are common interests you would like to find, etc....And most importantly, what do you expect and want from this relationship and then present that to her. Tell her just to drift along with no objective is wrong and driving you insane. Offer counseling, anything to correct the situation. But she is just ignoring it.

 

Like I said, games, is she trying to make you miss her? Game? Is she trying to make you appreciate her? Game. Is she trying to see if she can get over you? Who knows, and until you force her to come clean, you may never know.

 

Good Luck

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frd150

frd150

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Hey Shock,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

It seems that every few conversations we will drift into the actual problem. As much as she did not want to discuss it at first now when a topic related to our break comes up it becomes the discussion. There were some deeper issues that came up today. Made mention that i am working on fixing them and in fact already had. I senced that this issue may have also been an issue with her by her reaction. She had alot to say and was glad that i was working on it. We both agreed that it was sad that we are going thru all this in order for me-us to fix things. She is fixing things on her end as well and she is very open with me about this.

 

We both (her and i) know that i have done things wrong but and as i have fixed and or realized things we discuss it and. We constantly talk about the things we like both as individuals and together. YOUR Right about this as it has been a big part of our "talks". I think that this is what has kept us communicating.

 

 

she knows what i want and that is her back in my life as my girlfriend and someday wife.

 

 

I will make the list that you suggest if not for the both of us then maybe just for me, so that i can have clarity in the situation but when is the right time to discuss it. Right now we seem to be confronting things that affected US more and more and i think it is helping. She has alot to say when these things come up. I listen i respond we discuss again and we move on. These things may come up again in future talks but it is almost like we both have the same list and we are checking things off as we go.

 

I am told that this is part of the heeling process. It is all a big mystery. I am usually the type to get over things like this. Just not this time. she is too important to me and she has expressed this in return. She would be long gone if not. I do know that much.

 

F.Y.I. i fell a little better each day and i hope that light at the end of the tunnel is not a train coming at me.

 

 

Sorry for being so long but as you probably know this really helps. Believe me however this turns out i will pay all of this forward here on love shack. Let's face it i have learned a hole he** of alot.Thanks.

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daphne

daphne

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Frd,

 

For the record, I don't believe that your ex is playing games. I believe she's evaluating and taking things slowly. I've seen a lot of games from exes on this board and it it's a lot more evident. There's nothing wrong with someone who felt neglected/taken for granted to take some time to think. It's better than not hearing from her at all. I think you have a shot. Hang in there. She's calling. She's disappointed that you hadn't called her. These are good things. It doesn't sound like she's mad at you that you didn't call. But she wanted you to.

 

Just tread lightly. Don't give too much. Maintain a little bit of aloofness for the attraction to kick in. She misses you. Her call showed that.

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frd150

frd150

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daphne,

 

I know what you are saying and i believe it to be tru because i know that she does not waste time on things that are pointless.I have seen the same games as you on this board and there are definate differences.

 

Issues are slowly coming to the surface as i stated earlier. I am letting her discuss these things as she feels comfortabe , if she changes the subject i let her and i do not pressure. I know we cannot move forward if we do not face the reasons why all of this happened.

 

 

I need to use the fact that she is calling in my fight to stay positive. No jumping the gun like you said before "he that can have patients can have what he will". Man it sure is lonley being patient.

 

Man i am learning alot.

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daphne

daphne

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I haven't read it yet but it came highly recommended to me by a friend. If you like it, let me know.

 

And hang in there. Positive attitudes do amazing things.

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frd150

frd150

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Hey Daphne,

 

Well i bought it and i plan to read it in the next couple of nights. Only 200 pages. I will let you know.

 

It was recomended to me first by a friend about a week ago in an e-mail. I had not forgotten about it jus had not made it to the bookstore yet.

 

Something funny happened today when i was meeting with a longtime customer from out of town. He knew of my relationship with my girlfriend and of course he asked the famous question..."Whens the big day". Well, i tried to hide my despair but he read thru it in an instant. He pressed so i told him the short version of the story. And the advice he gave was very familiar if you know what i mean. He is about 15 years older than me and to quote him" After hearing your story my gut tells me that it will work out for the two of you". " i have been thru this before and i know what i am talking about". " No negative thoughts she will sence them". Words of encouragement. In fact i did not even bring up the negative what if's he just knew that i was thinking them.

 

 

He being the second person to bring up the book prompted me to get my A*s to the store to get it.

 

Update : We are still communicating on a very positive level and i think we are both feeling a little better about us...I hope.

 

Sorry for pestering but as i said before it helps to post. Thanks.

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daphne

daphne

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No worries. Like others on the board, I have my agenda. I see an opportunity that most on teh board don't have. In a way, I want you to do what I didn't have the courage to do. Hang tough and try to react as positively as possible and see hwat happens. Allowing fear as a motivating force can cause you to push someone away who may have just been worried that you'd never show up for the real thing.

 

I reacted pretty harshly to my ex, who was trying to do something. At the time, I couldn't let him keep hurting me due to some stupid moves he had made. I'm not 100% sure that I did the right thing. I protected myself, but I still don't know. Maybe had I given myself a little time to really see, at least I could let myself off teh hook.

 

I just dont' want you to have regrets for panicking and pushing her away. If she ends up moving on towards someone else, at least you will know you did everything you could. You won't have regrets. She may, but you won't.

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frd150

frd150

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Hey Daphne,

 

Half way thru the book and let me tell you i think that everyone here needs to go out and get it for themselves. If i could afford it i would buy cases and send them to everyone of you.

 

So many light bulbs went off along with a few tears while reading. There is a section on quality time that affected me the most. WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS SOONER, or maybe i did but it was tucked away in the back of my brain.

 

I know that i am not done with it but i really want to give her a copy but i just do not know how to do it without the big push. I would really like for her to read it if not for us but for her to understand what she wants out of a relationship.

 

;) On a happier note someone asked me if i was single today and at this point i do not think i can say yes but none the less it was a big esteem booster. I will keep her in mind as she said "let me know when you are".

 

Well it is that time of night where i start to get anxious as she is getting off of work soon. Will she call? she almos always does. If she does not then why? she probably passed out because she was tired. Did she go out? And with who? I am getting better at combating the negatives with positives.

 

Maybe i should go running.

 

Thanks for the replys as they are helpful. I hope to report good news to you in the not to distant future.

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frd150

frd150

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:mad:

 

The weekend pattern is repeating itself.

 

Everthing is great up until Wed night or thur morning then nothing,no response,nothing.

 

In my mind i know what you are probably going to say but what i want to know is why???

 

I know you do not know her thus it is impossible to get into her head but i need to know if bringing it up is within bounds at this point or should i just go with it for the sake of what ever progress has been made

 

I know it is only friday afternoon.

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frd150

frd150

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:mad:

 

The weekend pattern is repeating itself.

 

Everthing is great up until Wed night or thur morning then nothing,no response,nothing.

 

In my mind i know what you are probably going to say but what i want to know is why???

 

I know you do not know her thus it is impossible to get into her head but i need to know if bringing it up is within bounds at this point or should i just go with it for the sake of what ever progress has been made

 

I know it is only friday afternoon.

 

 

Ok she did call both friday evening and saturday morning. I went and did my own thing on Sat. night. Did not hear from her and as hard as it was i did not call her. I guess that is why the call it L/C. Emphasis on Limited.

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frd150

frd150

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I am learnig so much from LS as well as othie places as i pointed out earlier.

 

During a low moment something dawned on me.

 

as you may already know our big problem was comminication or lack thereof that bleed over into other parts of our relationship. She always wanted to just talk but i was not a good communicator. There was always a distraction.

 

Since we split up the communication continued. initiated by both of us but more on my side. Well in the last few days she has initiated contact more on her own and when i least suspect it or when i have given up that she will. She just likes to know about my day as i in return hear about hers. Just talking like she wanted all along. Like when we were courting each other.

 

How could i let us miss out on this for the last few months It's so great. I type this with a tear in my eye .

 

One more thing...

 

I also realized something that i needed to realize and belive. When we first started dating i was a confident person not seeking aproval from the oppasite sex. I was happy just to be despite all my flaws that i was well aware of. I had just bought my house and i was "broke " by my standards but i did not care. Because of this i Know neediness will not bring her back. She said that she wanted what we used to have i assume the way i was and still am on the inside. She did not change me i let outside forces change me. I let pettyness cloud my judgement.

 

A little introspection does wonders.

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Am4Real

Am4Real

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Posted
Hello Frd,

 

Sorry you are going through such heatbreak. There is nothing worse and it is the reason the vast majority of us are here. I won't drag my details here, but I got dumped by my ex-fiance right before Christmas. I spent a considerable time like you blaming myself. She was a horrible communicator, yet I blamed myself for not working harder to get things out of her. There is plenty more, but bottom line, my ex started a new relationship and kept me dangling with guilt until she had it cemented. Then of course, let that out of the bag.

 

I had the same thought process you are having. Not only the self blame, but the illusion that if I could maintain friendly contact, then I could win her back. Several wiser posters advised me differently, that I would do nothing but make her feel better about where she is going and would probably be the first to hear about any wedding or such. After several weeks of hearing her tell me she was regretful, the grass wasn't greener, reminiscing about things we did, I got very hopeful. Then, she changed back, still friendly, but encouraging me to move on, etc.. because she had.

 

I don't see anything from your post that indicate you deserve what happened. To move out without trying to work on things is very drastic and shows signs of a horrible communicator. Ok, you got consumed by your job as she did. So what? Does that justify just bailing on the man you supposedly love? What did she do to help you and understand??Is this who you want to marry? True love is about being there and supporting each other through thick and thin. Not sneaking out the door.

 

If you got back together, what is she going to change? Has she showed any signs of regret and willingness to correct her weaknesses? Would you honestly be able to go back to what you had, or would you constantly be reading into everything and waiting for her to bail again? I don't think you could ever relax.

 

You have to pull back completely for you if nothing else. I know the fear that she will move on if you do. Unfortunately, she will move on easier with her new pal supporting her. If she is in love with you, she needs to be the one coming back. And nothing will keep her from doing that if she is. You have to believe that. Until then, this will keep stringing along until she is over you. She is doing nothing more than resolving her guilt for moving on and you are helping her.

 

I blew NC and the great advise the posters gave me. I thought like you if I could be fun and friendly, I could recreate the attraction she had 3 years ago. All it got me was a long delay in the recovery process. Don't make the same mistake, you won't get her back by being her friend.

 

 

 

 

Hey there,

 

How are you S&A, it's been awhile...

 

Your advice is the same thing Cali, me and a lot of the others keep posting. I see that Daphne has a different perspective and her points can certainly apply in some cases, however, I have to agree with you here, if she walked out the door on FRD then "when or why" could he ever trust or believe the same thing wouldn't happen again?

 

FRD: [highlight]If you want her back -- make one BIG effort through communication. If you want to heal, really heal, go NC for the long haul.[/highlight]

 

Am4Real

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frd150

frd150

Posted
Posted
Hey there,

 

How are you S&A, it's been awhile...

 

Your advice is the same thing Cali, me and a lot of the others keep posting. I see that Daphne has a different perspective and her points can certainly apply in some cases, however,

I have to agree with you here, if she walked out the door on FRD then "when or why" could he ever trust or believe the same thing wouldn't happen again?

 

If i am lucky enough to get my second chance it will be adressed. If i do i plan to move slow. This was not a decision she made lightly and she did drop hints. We should have sat down before though.

 

FRD: [highlight]If you want her back -- make one BIG effort through communication. If you want to heal, really heal, go NC for the long haul.[/highlight]

 

Am4Real

 

It will have to come to this eventually. A person can only take so much. I want this to be over but from what i am sencing it is not yet time for the "one big effort". But what do i know i have never gone thru a break up as devistating as this.

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