Brokeup 6 weeks ago for 2nd time...now...

[NorCalDave]

Okay. So my ex who's 20 years older (I'm 28) who I've dated off and on for the past 3 years, who broke up with me for the 2nd time 6 weeks ago, basically came back to me today.

Not in her words, but her actions. She never said "let's get back together", but she did spend the whole day with me after telling me 4 days ago(and kissing me), "no one has ever treated me as good as you"....it was like we were right back into couple mode. Flirting, great conversation, nudging each other...no kisses today though. I didn't want to push my luck and get rejected, or make her feel awkward or anything. I want to ease her back into couple mode...slowly...

This is exactly how we got back together 6 months ago. We hadn't seen each other in 7 months, and when we did, we fell right back in love.

But the problem always comes up. She is insecure and uncomfortable with us being 20 years apart.

We both have never had kids nor been married, but she feels she'd be holding me back, and she thinks I want kids because she basically just decides that and then we're done. Then we miss each other, take time off, and whenever we see each other again, we fall back in love.

It feels like it's happening again, and I wish we wouldn't have to keep taking breaks, because I want to be with her sooo bad.

Being her friend today was much better than anything I could have asked for. It's weird, and I think she feels this too, the whole "fall in love" novelty stuff keeps happening to us over and over...it's this cycle we have going on....

What do I have to do to get us out of this cycle? To calm her fears? To get her to realize that we are supposed to be together, otherwise it wouldn't feel so good every time we're together....

[shockandawed]

Wasn't there more to your last breakup than just the age gap, like an ex boyfriend staying with her. What is up with that?

 

I am happy for you, but I am curious as to why she keeps going away. I understand the age difference, but you have always had that.

 

I just hope that things didn't go south with her ex boyfriend, so she is running back to you now.

[Auqakuh]

Okay. So my ex who's 20 years older (I'm 28) who I've dated off and on for the past 3 years, who broke up with me for the 2nd time 6 weeks ago, basically came back to me today.

Not in her words, but her actions. She never said "let's get back together", but she did spend the whole day with me after telling me 4 days ago(and kissing me), "no one has ever treated me as good as you"....it was like we were right back into couple mode. Flirting, great conversation, nudging each other...no kisses today though. I didn't want to push my luck and get rejected, or make her feel awkward or anything. I want to ease her back into couple mode...slowly...

This is exactly how we got back together 6 months ago. We hadn't seen each other in 7 months, and when we did, we fell right back in love.

But the problem always comes up. She is insecure and uncomfortable with us being 20 years apart.

We both have never had kids nor been married, but she feels she'd be holding me back, and she thinks I want kids because she basically just decides that and then we're done. Then we miss each other, take time off, and whenever we see each other again, we fall back in love.

It feels like it's happening again, and I wish we wouldn't have to keep taking breaks, because I want to be with her sooo bad.

Being her friend today was much better than anything I could have asked for. It's weird, and I think she feels this too, the whole "fall in love" novelty stuff keeps happening to us over and over...it's this cycle we have going on....

What do I have to do to get us out of this cycle? To calm her fears? To get her to realize that we are supposed to be together, otherwise it wouldn't feel so good every time we're together....

 

Sometimes the one you want most is the one you fear the most, because they can hurt you the most. And when you love someone alot, when they're most important to you, if you want to run away in fear you can't do it for yourself - so you look for reasons why you need to do it for -them-.

 

This is not by any means universal - but it does happen. Sometimes these fears need to be let out in a more healthy way, with lengthy, scary but beneficial talks. Don't ease back into "couple mode" and forget what drove you apart - work to make sure that it becomes something that holds you together, instead.

[NorCalDave]

Yes. After a few weeks of easing back into friends mode, I will sit her down and ask for a long talk, otherwise the same issues will keep arising.

I think she fears me because she does love me, and the whole idea of being with me is scary, no matter how good it feels.

[AriaIncognito]

I dont mean to sound harsh, but I'd be careful saying "we fall back in love". Fact of the matter is, you fall back in love. There's no accounting for how she feels unless she's saying 'I love you' to you, but even still, if you love someone, do you repeated walk away?

 

Didn't think so.

 

Try to not keep accepting her treating you this way. You deserve someone that won't walk away. As do i.

 

Good luck to you.

[NorCalDave]

Well I don't know if I or she falls back in love necessarily, but we definitely feel all the strong feelings again and we jump back in. Otherwise we wouldn't have dated for 6 months two different times in the last couple years.

She has told me "I love you" numerous times, and she's tried to push me away because of fear over our age gap, but we always keep coming back to each other. Call it falling back in love, call it re-connecting, whatever.

But I think we all know when love is in the air. Trust me, it is. I don't need her to tell me and I'm not living in a fantasy world where I'm hoping she is. I feel it from her.

And true, if she did love me, why would she keep pushing me away?

Well, imagine if you were 48 and loved a 28 year old man? Wouldn't it be a little scary?

[AriaIncognito]

The only reason I'm taking the tough love approach, is because I too feel as you do regarding my ex. We have broken up 3 times. We got back together 2 times so far, and to be honest if we were to see eachother again in person, I'm sure there would be a third.

 

My point is, yes, there is something that brings people back together, however, at some point in time, one or both of you has to step back and say "well is that enough?". For me, it's not enough. I can't go back to him if he's unwilling to be in a REAL relationship with me. One where he commits his mind and heart to me. I deserve someone who will want me as much as I want him, and so far, he's not proven that to me. I love him with all my heart, and if he came back around with the right intentions, I would indeed consider the chance.

 

I just think, for your own sake, you need to consider what it is you are worthy of. Are you simply worthy of someone who is easy to walk away, or are you worthy of a mate that will stick by you, thick and thin? The age thing is only an excuse. She knew you were younger when she started dating. It's merely an excuse she's using because well, it can't be refuted. Classic reasoning among a commitment phobe. Don't know if she's one of them but, it's possible. For my ex, it was the fact that I wasn't Jewish, for the longest time, but we finally got past that, the last time around.

 

I know you really want to be with her. Believe me. I know. Breathing hurts without them. However, will you be happy always worrying about when the next time she'll run, will be?

[NorCalDave]

Good stuff Aria. I agree with you. I just really want to make it work.

We'll see what happens this time. I know I deserve a full time, committed relationship, that is stable.

And I think she might be commitment phobic. She has never been married or had kids, at 48. And maybe the age is just an excuse, and maybe it really scares her enough to push me away time and time again.

Like you said, it's tough to breathe without her, so if a flirty friendship is all we can have right now, and maybe it leads to something else, then that is fine with me.

Maybe she'll realize that we are supposed to be together.

Only time will tell. But if we were to get back for a 3rd time, and she walks out again, it would be the last time. But unfortunately I am still head over heels with her, and when in her presence I am a happy man.

But she may just never commit, to me at least, and at that point hopefully enough will be enough.

Hoping for a happy ending:rolleyes:

[NorCalDave]

Aria, what caused you guys to break up once he got past the Jewish thing?

[AriaIncognito]

To be honest, I only broke it off because of the not wanting to be commited to me thing. We had been seeing eachother off and on for a year. Long enough to know whether or not theres a future there. I personally don't feel he ever really emotionally commited to the idea of us having a future, because at first he was afraid of my being accepted due to my not being Jewish. However, a few weeks before we split up actually, I surprised him by telling him I was going to temple (he didn't even attend). He ended up coming with me. In the end he said it was that that made him realize I was serious about the idea of conversion and he said he actually kinda got excited about re-learning his religion, through me. We went to temple together on like 1/15 or something. We broke up on 1/30. I broke it off because he went the entire weekend ignoring an email I'd written the previous friday regarding if he wanted to get together and didn't call. He was "conflicted" again about what he wanted about if I was "the one" for him. I was constantly worried about when he'd walk. I was constantly worried that he was meeting girls and chatting online (which i know for a fact he was, as he did say he'd chatted with girls but didn't feel it was fair to me to pursue them any farther). Since we were not proclaimed bf/gf (due to his not wanting to label it) he was technically "allowed" to do whatever he wanted. His conscience did at least keep him faithful to me. However, all that being said, he still doesn't know if he has the right feelings for me to have a romantic relationship.

 

I wish I understood it too. He said our relationship was very easy. Very fun. We got along famously and had all of the major points in common (finances/wants for the future/etc). He is still in close contact with me. Just via email and IM, and while I know I should go NC to heal, well there's that part of me that really wants him to realize he loves me, of course.

 

So, who am I to give advice? I'm really not one to give it. But to be honest, I know what I'm doing wrong, I just ignore it like a fool lol.

 

I truly hope you have a better time of it than I am having. It truly does suck to want to be with someone so badly and have them constantly push you away, but there comes a point where you have to put yourself first, even if it means a little pain right now. That's what I'm attempting to do now. By breaking up with him back in january, I dared to try to put myself first.

[NorCalDave]

Well we both have challenges of different sorts. I guess only time will tell what happens...

[upsetnhurt]

Norcal,

 

You say that the third time is the last. Unfortunately it won't be........this will be a never ending cycle for as long as you are around her. Don't kid yourself, as if she was in love with you she would never find reasons to leave and in fact would be knocking down your door trying to be with you. The lack of breath that you feel would be felt by her as well. Don't you think that your time and effort should be spent healing and preparing yourself for a new relationship with someone that deserves you? Each time you break up with this girl, you set yourself back tenfold. Do you want to wind up being 48 yrs old and in the same boat as her? Walk away, as hard as it is, and try to figure out why it is that you would put up with her actions to date. This has something to do more with you that her, as she is in complete control I can see of her actions and you are the one who is dependent upon her.

[NorCalDave]

Upsetnhurt,

I can see what you're saying, but I wasn't the one that initiated contact with her, I wasn't the one to ask her out twice in the same week. I wasn't the one who broke the "breakup ice" by coming and initiating conversation at the gym. I wasn't the one who keeps asking me to burn CD's for her, and to go to the beach, and the movies, and get my haircut with her.

If I was so dependent on her, and she didn't care about me, why would all this attention and love and requests for my time be sent my way?

I have seen her be cold to me, and distant, and her actions in the last week have been nothing but loving and friendly. Plus, her friends tell me she really misses me.

So, I am the one dependent on her?

[AriaIncognito]

NorCal,

 

To be blunt, yes you are. You think that she's doing all the initiating, well she IS doing all the initiating. However YOU aren't doing what you should be doing for YOU. You shouldn't be seeing her, doing her favors, etc. You should be using this time to focus on yourself, not focus on her and winning her back. Just because she's asking you to do things with her or for her doesn't mean she feels anything beyond lonely. And I know that sucks to hear. But in general, you KNOW that she knows you want her, and yet what is she doing to you? She's prolonging your agony by sticking around, asking you to do things, helping you to NOT get over her.

 

She is being selfish. And you are enabling her.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but believe me, it's true.

 

Please, take a stand for your own heart, and don't fall for her invitations. She is merely waiting for her next victim, because if she wanted you, she knows how to get a hold of you. It sucks, I know it does, I'm in a similar boat, however I'm not letting him get his rocks off. He doesn't get to see me or talk in person to me or on the phone, etc. You've gotta be as strong as you can, for yourself. It sucks now, but eventually, we'll all see why these relationships didn't work out.

[NorCalDave]

Okay, I see what you're saying. I agree to a point. I agree that she is probably being selfish by seeing me, and she may be simply lonely.

At this point, my feelings are too strong to stay away if she invites me to do something. I will not initiate seeing her, I will not call her, and I will take care of myself and not wait around for her, but if I have no plans, and she wants to hang out, I cannot realistically see myself saying no to her. I am in love with her, and I am very happy when with her.

If that makes me wrong, then I am sorry, I am the one who will end up suffering in the end, apparently.

Sorry for being stubborn, it's just that we have such a good time together. If it ever gets too painful, I'll have to bow out. I'm just gonna see what happens.

But I definitely understand what you're saying, Aria, and I appreciate your good advice. You are in a similar situation and I respect what you're saying.

[AriaIncognito]

I know exactly what you're saying, as the last time my ex and i got back i said all the same exact things. Only, i let myself keep getting hurt for a bit before I actually allowed myself to bow out.

 

Just please, be careful. Believe me, i'd love to spend time with him right now. i've not been in the same room with him, nor heard his voice, since 1/30/07. Do you think that's not killing me? Cuz it is. Unfortunately, the only way for me to try to move on, is to do it this way. So, that's what i'm doing. And it sucks. But i hope one day, it will no longer suck, and I'll be happy this one didn't work out....

 

I hope.

[NorCalDave]

Yeah, I have to stay away. It's like a whilrwind, and tonight I got swept away in it again.

I saw her at the gym, and again she was happy to see me and flirty, and we talked and smiled, but ultimately, she just left and said she had to go grocery shopping and just a "bye".

No "walk me out?"

Just a bye.

That is painful enough because I always used to walk her out to her car.

And while we were talking I told her to let me know when she wants to grab dinner next, and she just nodded....I have to stay away from her, because I feel myself getting sucked back in and the vibe I get from her is she really digs me but doesn't want to jump back in for the 3rd time, yet.

Maybe she will want to if I stay away, but if I keep being so available and easy for her, I won't get her back.

I have to stay away for my own growth and to make her miss me, at this point it's the only power I have in the relationship is making her miss me. Because I know she does miss me when I stay away. But when I am running into her all the time, I look to available.

It's really hard when you can't kiss them like you once could. You can't touch them like you once could.

It is not fun or fair and I don't know why I put myself through the torture.

[AriaIncognito]

I'm sorry you're hurting NorCalDave. At least now you seem to know that it's not doing you much good to see her in person so much, if at all. If something you are doing hurts you, you have to reconsider doing it, obviously. Someday there could be a time where you can be with her and not want more than just a friendship, but right now just isn't that time for you.

 

Give yourself a chance to heal, and then maybe if it's in the cards, you can maintain some sort of friendship.

[NorCalDave]

I don't know if I ever will want to be just friends. And I don't know how she can seemingly want to be friends. We spent the whole day together Sunday, flirting and talking close the whole time. Nothing happened afterwards, but the chemistry was there.

If we keep having times like that and she keeps walking away like it's nothing, it will be too painful for me to see her and I will have to re-arrange my life to not include her.

I just keep hearing what her friends say, that she loves me but is afraid to take that next step with such a younger man, and how she told me last week, "No one's ever treated me as good as you."

Why would she say that?

Why would she spend a whole Sunday with me, flirting and touching and laughing and giggling the whole time?

Now we go through the workweek and we aren't talking one bit. What are we, strictly weekend friends?

[Ssheena]

What are you getting out of this right now?

 

What is she getting out of this right now?

She gets 110% of your attention, she knows how you still feel about her, she gets everything she wants from you and in return you get nothing.

 

She gets to hang out with someone who she knows things she is da bomb and you get to wonder why? why? why? and how? how? how?

 

Put yourself first, she is obviously putting herself first. It would be nice if she could put herself in your shoes and see how being around you is messing with your head and not letting you move on and keeping you hooked.

 

I think it would be best if you avoided her at all costs. Bareing that, tell her you how painful it is to be with her and want something that she doesn't and how, no matter how hard it is for you, you have to stay away from her as she doesn't want what you want. Then do it.

 

Taking is easy, giving is hard - for her. You are giving and giving and giving and settling for crumbs and NO ONE deserves crumbs.

 

Sheen

[NorCalDave]

Is she trying to keep my on this leash so she has a security blanket? Someone who will be there for her "just in case"? That's what it feels like.

I completely agree with you Sheen. Thank you.

You must have gone through the same thing, because you know how I feel.

She gets my attention, my time, my smile, my love...all that I have to give!!

What else could I do to show her how much I love her? Buy her a ring?

She takes, she takes, she takes....this is how it's been for 3 years. I have loved her like no one else (no wonder she told me last week, "No one has ever treated me as good as you".....no ****!) and she just sucks it up like a sponge and walks away.

Meanwhile I am left behind, unfulfilled, unloved, wondering when I will see her again, what she feels about me, why, etc....

I know, it's all sinking in, that she's a taker, not a giver.

Like for example, she is still in contact with her ex before me, and she keeps him on her rope too, and he'll come along when she's lonely or when she needs something fixed, and he helps her out and then she tells him to beat it. I bet he is feeling exactly like I am.

She is a gorgeouse, sexy, wonderful woman, and turns heads wherever she goes.

When I am in her presence, I melt, and lose all my power. I do whatever she wants. It's almost like a drug.

But she's been taking from men her whole life, and she has this warped view on men, that they should be the providers, know how to fix everything, drive perfectly, never show emotion, never sleep in, never gain weight, pay for everything.....it's like she expects men to give and not expect anything back.

Until she gets over her warped view, and realizes relationships are give and take, with balance, will we ever be able to have a healthy relationship.

And, at 481/2, I seriously doubt she will change.

It's kind of sad because she's going to miss out on the best thing that EVER happened to her (and she knows it): ME.

I am trying to give her chance after chance to stay with me, but how much am I supposed to tolerate????

I'm thinking this is not so much an age gap insecurity but a selfishness on her part that may never change.

[AriaIncognito]

My ex said the same to me. "I'm not used to being treated like a king" i believe he said. And "you make me feel like a man". Sounds like you and i had very similar relationships. I gave of myself 3000000 percent. He gave about 50% of himself maybe. He was good at taking, but I of course was also always willing to give, because I thought one day (think one day -- ugh) that he could possibly do the same for me. Only thing different in our relationships is at least she acknowledged to you that she loved you. Mine wouldn't even call me his girlfriend, and always seemed to have his options open, even though he didn't pursue anyone.

 

Do what you can for yourself. I'll keep saying it if you're still willing to listen.

[NorCalDave]

She is a "sociopath"! I never knew the true meaning of that word, but my ex is totally a sociopath. She acts in ways that fulfill whatever she needs at the moment, but disregards the effects it may have on people.

Does she have any idea how much I miss her? Any clue how hard it is not to want to see her every day? And not be able to? And when you do see that person, it's still great, but deep down you want more and you have to wait around for them to get on your wave length.

Everyone's relationships are different, and everyone knows what they want and who they want back.

For some warped reason, I think I am happier with her. So I am like, doing whatever I need to do to get her back. If it's just staying away and distant, not calling and giving complete space but also being flirty and friendly and looking great every time I see her, then that's what I'll do.

I am testing my patience right now, but also I can feel myself healing the more I am away from her. It's weird. Like, every time I see her, it's like I delay my healing that much more. I want her that much more. It's like looking at doughnuts....if you were to constantly be looking as doughnuts, you'd eventually want to try one, or take a bite, or eat the whole thing if it tastes good.....that's how it is with her....now imagine never getting to really eat that doughnut like you want to (savoring the flavor, licking the frosting off your fingers)....no, no, with her all I get to do is lightly touch the doughnut and talk to it but I can't grab it or take a bite out....I have to be gentle with this doughnut, because I want to take a bite but only when it's the right time...the doughnut has got to be nice and fluffy and inviting...it's got to be hot from the oven and ready for my mouth......so I shall now refer to seeing my ex and doing things with her when she isn't ready for more yet, "Doughnut watching"......EVENTUALLY YOU WANT A BITE, AND IF YOU DON'T GET A BITE, IT SUCKS! HAVE FUN WAITING!

Wow, am I going nuts?

Part of me wants to keep that wound open because for some reason someone in my head wants to keep seeing her. Someone up there has a warped view on what happiness really is.

I really WANT it to be with her...I want to make this work for some reason.

Only time will tell. I know I plan on not calling, so if she wants me back she can call me, she did Sunday. She knows my number.

[Ssheena]

So...any update? You hanging in there NorCal?

 

I have gone through the same stuff and I finally realized I deserve better. I deserve someone like me...or that treats me like I was treating them.

 

You do too.

[NorCalDave]

Yes, Ssshena, there is an update. We had the most fabulous romantic weekend together and I was sooooo happy. I couldn't believe it. I had been playing my cards right to get her back and interested in me. I was being distant, not calling, and looking hot when I thought I might run into her! It totally worked, because she started asking me out. We went to the movies and spent the day together 2 weeks ago, and then this past weekend, we did everything. We went to a concert, we went to church, worked out, a drive to the beach, antique shopping, then we layed down some blankets at the river and actually made out with the sun setting. It was totally romantic, and I basically had her in the palm of my hand. She was asking ME, "Where do we go from here?"

I told her what I thought she wanted to here, which was, "No pressure, no commitment, no expectations."

She told me how happy she is with me, how comfortable, how she's herself, and it "feels right".

I thought she was totally wanting to be with me again. I thought I had played my cards right and she had an epiphany that she is happy and wants to be with me.

Then, this week comes, and we don't talk for 3 days. I gave in and called Wednesday night, and she acted like nothing had even happened. She reiterated she wants to stay friends, that just because she said she is happy and comfortable with me doesn't "mean I want to marry you."

I asked her about all those things she said, how she was "fantasizing " about sleeping with me again, and wanted to wait until lent is over to sleep with me again, and she shot down everything.

She said she doesn't want sex, doesn't want to have a relationship with me because it would take away her "freedom", and said maybe it's not healthy to see each other when she knows I want more.

I am just in shock because I could have sworn that she wanted to try for the 3rd time(!), that all my hard work had paid off. I mean, I even gve her space the first few days of the week to miss me. Guess that didn't work.

I know I need to walk away from her, because she doesn't know what she wants, and is confused, and treats me like a yo-yo.

I know I deserve better and if she can't get over her ex or our age gap then that is her problem. She is missing out on a great guy and she knows it.

It is so depressing to have so much hope one day, and so much agony the next.

Obviously it doesn't feel "good" enough for her to want to try again....unbelievable.

I love her so much and know what I need to do to preserve my sanity, but now I want to play the NC game to get her back wanting me again.

Either I have really low self-esteem or I am crazy, too.

It just honestly felt so perfect Sunday, and I've done all I can do to woo her back. If that's not enough I don't know what is!