Brokeup 6 weeks ago for 2nd time...now...

[Ssheena]

Wow. What a flip flopper!

I'm speechless.

Major bummer.

[NorCalDave]

I know, I am speechless too. I keep replaying all the things she told me on Sunday...her words gave me such hope. It really felt like we were a couple again. We were singing in the car together, holding hands, doing all the close talking and flirting that happy couples do....her saying how the night before she was fantasizing about me and me massaging her in my hottub.

And now, it's Friday, and it feels like that magical day didn't even happen.

She is 20 years older than me and it makes it really hard for her to see a future with me. She has got alot of older richer men asking her out, and she never takes them up on their offers, but maybe she is holding out from being with me because I am 20 years younger and I only make $50k/yr. She always talks about how she wants $$ to travel and volunteer and retire from her hairstyling job. Maybe she sees that I can't totally provide for her now. I don't know. I have no clue. She has been through so many things, so many abuses, rapes, and bad relationships, that maybe she is just jaded and withered. She has no sex drive anymore and I have never felt like I had to beg for sex, but with her I find myself almost begging for it.

Maybe I just need to find a younger woman who wants me as much as I want her.

I know she loves me and my company, and she says she's never felt such a connection to a man, but maybe her 481/2 years on this planet have shaped her into a person who I'm not supposed to be with.

It's just that when I am with her, I don't ever want to leave her. I feel so comfortable and attracted to her. I love her. But I guess love doesn't conquer all and sometimes you have to cut your losses, no matter how painful it it.

I don't deserve to be treated like this.

[bridget_jones]

To be making $50,000/year at the age of 28 is pretty darned great! Don't feel insecure about that!

Look, seriously, why do you want someone 20 years older anyway? I mean I'm sure she has a nice personality, and great in bed and all...I am 39 and the thought of dating a 59 year old is just...no offense....off-putting to me.

If you do end up with her, as in for REAL, marriage, etc.....you are pretty much saying good-bye to having a family of your own. When you look at it, how much to you have in common with her anyway?

On top of that she is saying she is not that into you.

Find a YOUNG woman your age who is. The world is your oyster. I mean seriously....I'm sure she probably has a nice figure but by that age the skin is starting to sag, the crows feet, etc. People are going to think she's your MOM. When you're 40 and she's 60...do you think she's going to want to do the same things you do and is going to want sex as much as you do? On top of that, she ALREADY is losing her sex drive, you said you had to beg for it. If you're 28, what you want to do is go for a 30 to 35 year old, still have the bod without the wrinkles yet, AND they are at their prime sexually. THEN when you get to be 40, she'll only be a few years older than you and hopefully she is getting her exercise and looking hot. When she is 48 you'll be more attracted to her than this chick who would be 68 when you are 48.....THINK ABOUT THAT ONE. When you're 48, does a woman pushing 70 sound appealing to you? Seriously. Ponder that JUST a little bit.

Plus...don't forget, she already just wants to be friends, she told you that.

[NorCalDave]

I know, I know. She's not that into me, she wants to be friends, she can't have a family, she's too old, we don't have sex anymore, she's still in cahoots with her abusive ex, etc.

Why I can't walk away I don't know...all the signs are there to walk away.

I am not bad looking and I get my share of attention from females, but I always seem to compare them with her, and I always yearn to be with her.

But if she is not yearning to be with me, why would I put her on that pedestal?

I am a good guy, and I deserve someone who likes me as much as I like them.

I am getting fed up with this "weekend relationship" we have. She seems to enjoy only contacting me on the weekends, and doing all the stuff we used to do as a couple, but minus the sex. And that isn't enough for me. It's not fair to me. What does she get out of this quasi-relationship?

Just someone to kill time with? She enjoys the attention?

I would love to be her friend and keep seeing her, but after a while I have a feeling this is going to get really old and frustrating. I mean, she changes clothes right in front of me and it makes me soooo excited...not fair!

[oppath]

Then stop seeing her. I know how hard it is. It's like an addiction, but you keep putting yourself in situations you know are bad for you. I've been there, and it took a swift kick in the ass from my friends to get me out of it.

[NorCalDave]

I know, it is like an addiction. I want to get the strength to say no to her. I think that would be very empowering. She knows I am like her little puppy dog, who will do anything with her at any time. I get the feeling and the vibe she really likes being with me, otherwise she wouldn't spend the last 3 weekends with me and say she fantasizes about sleeping with me....but if she really did want to sleep with me, she would, and if she really did want to be with me, she would...

..This is ridiculous, she's already broken up with me 2 times officially, why do I keep giving her the power to break my heart. Sometimes I just feel ridiculous about myself...especially when I see other women and the attention they give me...I think, 'Why can't she give me the attention all these younger girls are giving me (especially if she fantasizes about me)'..

..Sometimes I just want to call her and say "**** you! Leave me alone you selfish bitch!"

But I don't like thinking negative thoughts like that and I would rgret it later if I told her that...

[oppath]

So what if you did say that? I know the regret you feel, you'd be feeling it because you'd feel you had ruined any chance of reconciliation if you said it. I know, I've been there with my breakup. I did say "**** you. How dare you be so selfish." What could I do? She dumped me and asked to be **** buddies 1.5 weeks later. She needed to hear she had no right to joke with my emotions that way.

 

Yes, I did feel enormous guilt and embarrassment afterwards, but now I'm starting to question why. I am not truly a doormat. I stood up to her BS. The only reason I felt bad was because I did love her, somehow still love her, and felt like I screwed up any chance of reconciliation. Now that I'm letting go of that desire and assert I deserve better, I am starting to realize that it is ok that I said hurtful words. She angered and hurt me greatly and I reacted. So what. She insulted me and I needed to say something about it, and she needed to hear it.

 

Your case is a little different. Since you voluntarily hang out with her, she's not directly lying to you or deceiving you are insulting you. She's just not giving you what you want. In fact, if she were to ask you for sex, which is what you want, that would be grounds for a "**** you. You don't want to be with me but are willing to use me for sex. You are so ****ing selfish" comment.

 

I'd consider therapy if it is available to you. This situation is not good for you.

 

And most importantly, it is ok, a couple times in your life, to tell someone off! I'm not advising you to do this, but if it something you want to do, do it with dignity. Disappear, or tell her outright "I don't want to be your friend or talk to you."

[NorCalDave]

I think the only thing to do is disappear. But that's pretty much what is going on right now...we are "disappeared" from each other during the week, but the weekends are just like old times minus the sex. It can't be healthy for me now that I think about it. It's no problem for her because she has someone she trusts and loves to be there for her and keep her company, but I am always left wanting more and slightly frustrated. And knowing deep down that no matter what happens or what she says, she still doesn't want to be with me.

I guess I cling to hope because she came back before for 5 months, and she is always complimenting me and telling me how good and sweet and perfect I am...so I can't help but think she might want to be exclusive with me again. Especially when she tells me she was "fantasizing" about sleeping with me.

And 2 weeks ago we were kissing and making out on the beach....it's like the feelings are still there, attraction wise, but I guess her brain takes over and overrules her heart.

I know I deserve so much better and I am tired of not getting what I want.

I want to call and bitch to her but that will do nothing.

There's nothing I can do, no one I can talk to that will make me feel better.

I have no power in the situation and I have to accept that.

Disappearing like Whodini is probably the thing to do. Darn it.

[David H]

To be blunt, yes you are. You think that she's doing all the initiating, well she IS doing all the initiating. However YOU aren't doing what you should be doing for YOU. You shouldn't be seeing her, doing her favors, etc. You should be using this time to focus on yourself, not focus on her and winning her back. Just because she's asking you to do things with her or for her doesn't mean she feels anything beyond lonely. And I know that sucks to hear. But in general, you KNOW that she knows you want her, and yet what is she doing to you? She's prolonging your agony by sticking around, asking you to do things, helping you to NOT get over her.

 

She is being selfish. And you are enabling her.

 

Codependency.

 

http://www.50connect.co.uk/50c/romancestories.asp?article=12527

 

Does he recognise this? ("Blowing hot and cold") in his relationship? (Mine was like this!)

 

"The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back."

http://joy2meu.com/codependent4.htm

 

David

[David H]

I know I deserve so much better and I am tired of not getting what I want.

There's nothing I can do, no one I can talk to that will make me feel better.

I have no power in the situation and I have to accept that.

 

You are clearly codependent and until you heal yourself via therapy (and learn to love yourself) you will always have dysfunctional codependent relationships.

 

After the end of my 17 1/2 year relationship with my g/f recently, this is something I have had to face up to -- that I am a codependent -- and I am now having therapy to address the emotional damage I suffered during a lousy childhood.

 

I am 52 BTW -- and only just discovered this! You are 28 Seize the day!

 

David

[NorCalDave]

I just printed up those articles. They are right on. She actually used to take me to Codependent classes, so it's not the first time we've come across this issue.

It's really pathetic, but I am the one fearful of abaondonment, yet I keep going back to her and it keeps happening. I know it has something to do with my parent's divorce, probably. And she's had SOOOOOO much stuff happen to her in her childhood and abuse with her relationships that I don't think she thinks she is worthy of love, especially from someone she thinks is the "perfect guy". She has told me "You can do better than me David."

I would just re-assure her over and over that all I want is her, and she said a few times it blew her mind that I wanted her, "this old thing."

She doesn't feel worthy, she is shameful of things in her past, she has been abused by family members, men, and add that to our age gap and her narcissism and you have a relationship that gets broken up over and over again.

We have excellent chemistry together, but besides that, it seems impossible to make it work. She has told me in the past she needs therapy to work on herself, and then she can be ready for a good relationship, and she doesn't expect me to wait around for her.

But yes, these articles are very accurate in describing our relationship.

When I, the one fearful of abandonment, back off, she comes back in and wants to hang out....when I push for more, she backs off completely.

I can see the endless pattern happening over and over.

Until I put my foot down and say "I deserve better" will this end.

It is sad to me that we have to deal with all this and can't just find a way for it to work. It is what it is, though, and she values her freedom and space and herself more than anything, and me being so young as well is a recipe for a broken heart, for me...

[David H]

I just printed up those articles. They are right on. She actually used to take me to Codependent classes, so it's not the first time we've come across this issue.

 

Ok, but you need to fix yourself, otherwise you'll always be having these kind of relationships...

 

Some more insight for you:

 

http://www.50connect.co.uk/50c/romancestories.asp?article=12081

 

Is This the Right Person for Me?

 

"People who feel insecure and alone are likely to look for someone who will fill the inner emptiness and give them the love they are seeking. They want to find someone who will complete them and make them feel adequate and worthy. The problem is that no one can do this for another person - it is something we each need to learn to do for ourselves."

 

"Since we are always attracted to people who are at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health, a person looking to get love will attract a person also looking to get love. Each person hopes to get filled from the other, not realizing that each feels empty and really has nothing to give. Therefore, no one is the right person when the intent of getting married is to get love and security rather than to share love and learning."

 

"It is actually fairly easy to know if this is the right person for you when your intent in being in a relationship is to learn together and share love. A person who comes from a full place within finds it easy to discern when someone is empty inside, and will not be attracted to the empty person. A person who is truly open to learning about themselves, to growing emotionally and spiritually, to taking responsibility for their own feelings of safety and security, worth and lovability, will not be attracted to a person who is closed, controlling, and just wants to get love."

 

It is so obvious when stated this way...

 

David

[NorCalDave]

I just had an example of our codependent behavior happen!

So, I called her to tell her something regarding a change at our church, and she called me back and we talked just like we used to...friendly, getting up to date, catching up, etc...and then when she says she is working tonight so she can't go to church, I said, "Okay, I'll take notes for you."

And she said, "Okay, I gotta go....wait!"

"Yeah?"

"Come by my work tonight."

"Okay."

 

Totally a codependent conversation!!!!!!

 

I will take notes for her, (caretaking), she senses I am okay with not seeing her tonight by the "taking notes" comment, so she ropes me back in at the end by saying "Wait! Come see me!"

 

So funny. So codependent!

In other good news, I booked 2 dates with 2 different girls this week. One Thursday, one Sunday!

So that's good right?