Bekki Posted November 27, 2002 Share Posted November 27, 2002 My boyfriend & I have been dating for 5 months now. We kind of rushed into this relationship pretty fast. From the night that we met we didn't spend a night apart from each other until about 3 weeks ago due to his job location. Everything between us is going really good with the exception of one thing that I am not sure if I should be concerned about. The problem is that he wants to go to bars every weekend and hang out with his single friends and his married friends who are cheating on their spouses. He swares that he is not like his friends and that he is perfectly happy with me and would never cheat on me. He does ask me to go with him when he goes out with them but I don't like going to bars anyway and I feel very uncomfortable being around them talking about the women at the bars and trying to get my boyfriend to "check them out". I have expressed my feelings to him on how I feel about the bar scene & relationships-they only cause problems! If I ask him to stop going to bars I feel like I would be asking him to choose between me & his friends and that would not be fair either. But I really get tired of hanging out in bars every weekend and I really don't know if I could trust him going out with his single buddies w/out me. I really love him but I dont want this to continue to be a problem between us. He hasnt actually told me that he loves me yet but I can sense that he does. He says he's scared to give his heart to anyone because of past experiences but we have all been hurt before and we just have to put it behind us and move on. Should I just look over his need to hang on to the bar scenes for now or should I take it as warning signs of serious problems to arise along the way? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted November 27, 2002 Share Posted November 27, 2002 So, let me get this straight. You have spent nearly every night with this man for the past five months, and he hasn't told you he loves you yet? Granted, everyone is on their own timeline for the big ILY, but given the amount of time you must be spending together, this sounds kind of like a red flag to me. You say you can sense that he loves you, but really until you hear those words, you have no CLUE what is going on in his head. There are lots of people out there who are great posers. Just keep that in mind. Does he ever take you out on dates? Do you ever go out one on one? You obviously can't tell him not to hang out with his friends, and his friends' behavior may not be any type of indicator on the kind of guy he is. If he's young, he's probably got some bar/club years left in him. I don't see that as a problem, as long as he is also spending time with you one on one, and not just laying around the house watching videos, and not late night booty calls. Since he likes to spend his weekends out at the bars, do you meet up with him later to shack up with him? How can you be in a relationship with someone if you can't trust him? Trust is the absolute foundation of any relationship! I don't know about this...maybe i need more information, because this really doesn't sound like a relationship to me, from what you've posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bekki Posted November 27, 2002 Author Share Posted November 27, 2002 yes we do spend time together one on one so it's not just a sex thing. As far as the trust thing goes, I do trust him when he is not drinking but when he's out drinking with his friends, now that's a different story..He did tell me that when he got to the point that he was comfortable with telling me that he loves me it was gonna be with a ring... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bekki Posted November 27, 2002 Author Share Posted November 27, 2002 anyone else have any input? Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Posted November 28, 2002 Board of Directors Share Posted November 28, 2002 Hi Bekki, Originally posted by Bekki anyone else have any input? My guess is that you might not see any more input until after Thanksgiving. This is the busiest travel day of the year, and my guess is that a lot of regular visitors are going to be away from their computers. Don't get discouraged if there's a large lapse of time between replies. Best wishes, Paul Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted November 28, 2002 Share Posted November 28, 2002 I don't think you're going to like what I have to say, but hey, you want comments. The friends you hang around with say a lot about who you are. If this guys is hanging out with single friends (no biggie) and married friends cheating on their wives (huge biggie) this guy clearly doesn't think there's anything wrong with cheating when things start to go bad. If one of my friends started cheating on her husband, I would sit her down and kick some sense into her (not literally) and not go out to help her pick up men! Plus, this guy sounds really immature to be always at the bar. Doesn't he like to do anything else? Does he ever do anything you want to do. I notice you neglect to mention what you would rather do instead of babysitting your 'boyfriend' at a bar. Trust is a huge component of your relationship. If you don't think you can trust him when he's drinking, you don't have a relationship. You have a sleeping partner who you hang out with in bars. As for the 'when I say I love you it will be with a ring' comment. C'mon! No guy I know would immediately say I love you with a ring. This guy sounds to be yanking your chain and your letting him. Sorry, if this sounds harsh, but I think your gut is telling you this already and you're ignoring your gut. NEVER ignore your gut. Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Posted November 28, 2002 Board of Directors Share Posted November 28, 2002 Originally posted by Debster Sorry, if this sounds harsh, but I think your gut is telling you this already and you're ignoring your gut. NEVER ignore your gut. Unless it says "More turkey." Link to post Share on other sites
mighty bop Posted December 3, 2002 Share Posted December 3, 2002 Just because he has friends who all cheat doesn't necessarily mean he is like them. I know birds of a feather flock together but I for one have hung out with people who's behavior I did not approve of but they were still my friends. He could just like hanging out with then because they are his friends and that's it. He probably prides himself that he is better than his friends because he has a girlfriend he would never cheat on and he is the model boyfriend which his friends look up to. He may also try and teach them things, you never know. But anyways, don't worry about it unless he starts spending more time at the bars than with you. Link to post Share on other sites
DiViNe Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Im kind of in the same boat me and my boyfriend of three weeks already said he needs a break and it hurt so bad when he told me that i know it kind of sounds weird after three weeks but i truly do love him and i believe that we are meant to be together be cause when we arent fighting and he isn't at work or sleeping or hanging out with friends we are the cutest couple so i kinda feel the same way and he likes to drink alot but not at bars i get sloshed here and there w ith him but if your guy is a cheater and u find him cheating on you get rid of him quickly you dont need a cheater in your life its not fair but i kinda hope what i said helps even thou it was kinda mostly about me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 I don't know if you should be worried about your bf's bar activities or not, but I agree with Debster about that "I'll tell you I love you with a ring" line. That sounds like a crock of s***. Link to post Share on other sites
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