broken spirit Posted November 27, 2002 Share Posted November 27, 2002 my boyfriend of two years and i got into a fight today and he loses his temper when little things seem to upset him that would not upset the normal person. he called me names and yelled and screamed at me because i asked him when we were going to leave. i asked him the same question twice within ten minutes so he accussed me of pressuring him. i then exploded as well, something i rarely do. i yelled at him, that i was just asking him a question, not pressuring him. i then proceeded to the office in our home where he continued to yell and call me names from the other room. i was in tears as i sat in there just wishing he would leave the house. i dont know how much more i can stand with him. i am forever being blamed for alledgedly hurrying him, when in fact is all i want is a time frame or time when to expect to leave. i am really hurt by the names he called me and the things that he said to me which i wont repeat here since it is against policy on this form. so anyone who has ever dealth with someone with an easily triggered temper please tell me how to deal with such a person. he words hurt me more then anything not so much the outburst which i am use to anyway. then he called me and said that he didnt think it was either one of our faults about what happened, that he loves me and will talk to me later. this actuallyangered me more then helped me. how dare he say such hurtful things to me then call and act like nothing happened?! most frustrating, and my heart is aching and my head is hurting and my blood pressure is high right now but normally is not! Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted November 28, 2002 Share Posted November 28, 2002 I'm assuming (and hoping) your answer is 'no'. Clearly this guy thinks it's ok to treat you like this and call you names. Why? Probably because you let him. Stop letting him. Tell him how you feel. If things don't change very quickly - get out! Relationships are supposed to make you happy, not sad. If you're not happy, than get out!! Link to post Share on other sites
sparkle Posted November 28, 2002 Share Posted November 28, 2002 Don't let him walk all over you like that and treat you like @#%&. Demand the same respect that you give him. But you need to pay careful attention to the way you talk to him as well. Be as respectful, polite, courteous and kind to him as you might to someone else, if not more. Just because you've been dating him and might feel comfortable with him, that doesn't mean that your manners don't apply to him. Learn to talk to him in a kind and loving manner...even and especially when you're upset with him. Don't nag him. Don't talk to him like a parent might scold a little child. Don't be sarcastic. Sometimes there might not be anything wrong with the actual words you say, but it's the tone and the way that you say it that makes them sound completely unnecessary. Learn how to manage your anger and disappointment, and how to effectively let him know how you feel...without getting worked up, without yelling or attacking him. If you feel yourself getting heated up, STOP. Leave the room or wherever you're at. Do something else. Stop talking to him. Let yourself calm down. Once you feel you can talk about the matter with your mind and not your emotions, only then should you return to it. Once you learn how to talk to him and handle yourself, there's a great possibility that he'll notice your changed behavior, that he'll appreciate it, and that it might rub off on him also. But if he continues to disrespect you, curse and yell at you, even after you've changed your ways, then you need to realize that this relationship isn't going anywhere, and the only thing you should do then is leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Patty Posted November 28, 2002 Share Posted November 28, 2002 Hi broken spirit. You can't change a person,they have to want to change themself.But one thing you can do is at least tell him how you feel.Theres never anything wrong with a "I feel " statement. This is what my therapist recommends me to do.And when you put it that way your not doing anything wrong by saying how you feel.However if you said " You jerk ,don't do that to me!" Then that would be a demand and he would think your demanding him. I've been in many situations ,probably not the same ones your in where I let people walk all over me.And they are still my weaknesses but Im taking one day at a time.Thats all you can do too is just take one day at a time. example: 1."I feel mad when you treat me this way" 2."It makes me feel uncomfortable when"...... These are great ways to communicate better.If it doesnt work and he still gets mad or yells for no reason then I would think twice if I were you. I know I wouldnt want to spend time with a man that criticizes me for everything I say. I know I'm not a professional at advice.But I just like helping people. Good luck. Patty Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted November 29, 2002 Share Posted November 29, 2002 Pretty clear from your post (ahem) that this isn't the first time this has happened. So why do you put up with such bad treatment? The fact that you don't like the way he treats you is one thing --- the other, is that you put up with it. The latter is your problem, not his. The latter is a choice you make, not his. If you don't like being with someone who flips out on you, has a bad temper, has frequent outbursts, then it's your responsibility to put yourself first and get out. We can only be victims if we allow ourselves to be victims. No sense complaining about a partner if you continue to stick around and be miserable. I've never understood why anyone, male or female, remains in a volatile, chaotic relationship..only to repeatedly complain about things, but does nothing constructive to change things. You are responsible for your own happiness. Leave if you don't like things. That is your choice. We all have choices in life. Tons of them. Nothing is impossible. You have a choice to stay and continue complaining, or leave and be out of this ongoing misery. The choice is yours. It's been yours for a very long time. *yawn* Link to post Share on other sites
Grand76 Posted December 1, 2002 Share Posted December 1, 2002 Why would you want to stay in that kind of verbally abusive relationship? WTF is up with guys calling women names? Why would you want to take it? While attempting to control your own feelings in an argument may work, you don't want to be the only one doing it. Relationships are a mutual effort. You do have a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
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