Worried about future

[Guest]

I don't know where to put this post because it spans a long period of time, from dating all the way to marriage. The end result is we are married, and he is a wonderful husband and father. The problem is - he wasn't before, and I only stayed with him because I felt stuck. It was a LDR and I moved to be with him, leaving 2 homes, career and many other things needed to be changed in order for me to move to be with him.

 

So..the start of the story, we met. At first he seemed nice enough, but immature. A couple months pass, and it comes to light that he was awful, barely passable as a boyfriend. Selfish inconsiderate, thoughtless. He wasn't kind to me or my family. He claimed to 'love' me though. I didn't break it off because he told me he was leaving for overseas soon, so i thought that would be the natural end to this nightmare. But, that kept delaying, and delaying, then he got injured once, then again, and each time I felt bad and didn't break up with him because he was sick/injured. I became very depressed and couldn't really do anything.

 

It's not really an excuse for staying with him, just my feeble explaintion for it. He had an ongoing emotional affair with a married woman, that also involved kissing, massages etc. He spoke to this woman about as often as he spoke to me. He said he loved her, in a platonic way. She was married with one child. In addition to this, he never told me they had been together, physically, some months before we met. She was also his first girlfriend, from high school. That wasn't the only thing going on. He was in touch with a woman he was in love with, who he had an on and off relationship with. He saw her the week before he met me, and had been with her on and off for 9 years.

 

That's not all. There was also various old girlfriends/flings that he was in touch with, that he never told me about. And there's more. There was also a welfare mom that he lived with and supported for some months, a couple years before meeting me. She was the only local one to his area. Myself and all the other women were a few hours away.

 

The local one was 'crazy' (his words) and would call him in the middle of the night etc, drunk etc. I found out he was visiting her for 'work' reasons, he had lunch with her, went to her house one night, and for about a year, basically was seeing her behind my back. This was platonic, he says. He also gave her money. And told me he couldn't afford to even phone me that often. He'd get calls from ex-girlfriends and leave the room to talk to them (not even sure which ones were which, there were so many) He also had an ex-fiancee, not sure if he still spoke to her or not.

 

Most of this I never knew about until I moved to be with him, and it all slowly came out in the first year. I never would have moved if I had known what I know now. I just became more depressed and went through the motions of life. I suppose we were to get married at some point. We bought a house. Got married. He never proposed or offered me anything, we just got married because what else was there to do? Fast forward to now, married and he truly is a wonderful husband and father.

 

In terms of personal relationship, it is ok. Not a lot of communication, closeness is ok but could be better. Don't really have a warm, fuzzy close intimate feeling. Sex is good. Not really an emotional connection there but physically good. I feel unhappy. I want to be with someone who truly loves me, and I can open up with. He's not it. Ages, he is 31, I am 28. No children but other obligations and lifestyle choices so we are very dependent on each other in terms of finances, lifestyle etc, immpossible to change anything really. And I could have been happy with this man, if I had met him as he is now.

 

I don't even know what my question is, other than because of a lot of outside concerns, I have to make this relationship work out and stay in it. I don't mind so much not being satisfied/happy most of the time with the things I need for myself, he is a good husband and father and no one is wanting for anything. We don't have a lot of time together, we both have very busy careers and share hobbies, interests, volunteer work that keeps us very, very busy.

 

I just wish I could stop wanting something else. But the truth is I don't want a husband that I don't trust, and that could or would do the sorts of things he did. They are 'dealbreakers' to me, and I am unhappy spending the rest of my life with a man that would do these things to me.

What do I do to try to forget about the past?

[whichwayisup]

Have you two gone to marriage counselling? Talk to him and see if he's willing to go.

 

If you don't trust him, the marriage will slowly unravel. He has made some bad choices in the past, so I can understand you not trusting him.

 

How old are your kids?

[Guest]

No counselling, he absolutely refuses to consider it He won't talk about the past at all, if I ever brought it up (either at the time when I found out about what was going on, or now) he gets angry/loses temper etc. His temper makes me nervous so I avoid talking to him about things he gets angry about. I find him very controlling that way.

 

He has improved a lot with this issue though, he controls his temper a lot better now than before. He still will nto talk about any of the things that happened before though. There is one more thing that worries me greatly as well that I didn't mention. The married woman has a daughter, and at the time, there was some uncertainty as to who the father was (this woman slept with a few men around the time frame), but one option was my husband. He told me that the married woman told him her husband was the father, and there was a paternity test.

 

A friend of his told me there was no paternity test, it was just 'decided' that her husband was the father. I told him I could not marry him if he had children already anywhere, and he told me he doesn't. What if he lied about this? It's not acceptable at all for my family/culture to marry a man who has children already, and I do not find this acceptable at all for myself either.

 

But I don't know how I can ever find out. I'm worried, what if the married woman's marrigage fails (likely considering what went on), and then her husband decides to really find out if he is the father or not? What happens then? What if it is my husband? I know all these worries sound ridiculous, but I am always feeling on edge, like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and have my life crumble around me.

[norajane]

In terms of personal relationship, it is ok. Not a lot of communication, closeness is ok but could be better. Don't really have a warm, fuzzy close intimate feeling. Sex is good. Not really an emotional connection there but physically good. I feel unhappy. I want to be with someone who truly loves me, and I can open up with. He's not it. Ages, he is 31, I am 28. No children but other obligations and lifestyle choices so we are very dependent on each other in terms of finances, lifestyle etc, immpossible to change anything really. And I could have been happy with this man, if I had met him as he is now.

 

Have you considered taking control of your life and not waiting for the other shoe to drop? Start going to counseling yourself, even if he won't go with you. I think you might benefit by some therapy to help you deal with the past, to help you gain confidence in yourself, and to help you become a stronger, more independent person on your own.

 

You feel so dependent on him for whatever reason, that you married him even though you were miserable. That's a huge red flag.

 

You may decide, one day, that it's best to leave him. Certainly, don't have any children with him until you are 100% positive that both of you are going to give your best to this marriage and to those kids.