It rears its ugly head

[katy_katt]

Ok, here's the deal (and this will be an extremely long post): I began dating this guy about three months ago and things were going great! We don't have too much time to see each other, but I started staying at his place on the weekends since that was the only chance we had. But a couple of weeks ago I noticed that he seemed rather distant. We went out for supper and a movie, and then when we got back to his place he sat down at his computer and begin emailing people. I didn't mind that too much since he usually doesn't take very long and I just watch tv or something until he's done. Then he told me he was busy emailing a bunch of people to see if he could find a roommate. He came and watched tv with me for a while, but then somebody messaged him, and he got up to chat. Well, I sat and watched tv for another hour, then read a book for another hour. A couple of times I tried to give him little hugs and kisses while he was chatting, but he seemed a little too busy with whoever he was chatting with to appreciate them, so I finally announced that I was bored and going to bed. When I said that, he said he would be there soon, as he was just chatting with this person who was going to be his roommate.

 

I wasn't too concerned about anything until he came to bed and told me that he would be meeting 'her' in a couple of days, then began talking all about her. I started feeling jealous and told him so, and even though he told me I had no reason to be, I couldn't help it. I guess I wouldn't have felt that way if he hadn't spent all our time chatting with her. I wasn't worried that he would have sex with her or anything; I guess I just didn't like the idea of some other girl being there with him all the time that I couldn't. I couldn't sleep all that night.

 

I don't know if seeing my jealous side changed his idea of me or what, but it seemed as though he didn't want to talk to me the rest of the week. It was driving me nuts, and I finally asked him how he felt about us and he said he didn't know. He decided he was going to go home for the weekend just so he could clear his head and let me know how he felt when he got back. Well, he didn't get back until the next Thursday! He told me he saw his ex, but it wasn't a good meeting, and then he had car trouble. All in all, his weekend home didn't really clear his head. I went over there that night to have a talk with him though, and he told me how much he liked me and that he didn't want to break up with me. But by the time he got back I had resigned myself to the fact that he didn't want to be with me, and when he told me this I got really confused . . . not to mention a little wary. You see, he was talking about wanting a long-term relationship with me a couple weeks before, so I had just decided to let my guard down and let myself feel more for him when he gave me that bad news, so I didn't know whether I should do it again or not.

 

Things were still fine that night, but the next night we spent together didn't go as well. We got a case of beer and spent the night drinking and talking. He threw some music in and began talking about how one of his ex's used to dance to it and how cute she looked when she did. He basically spent the whole night talking about two of his ex's, both bad and good things. This made me want to reveal stuff about my past relationships, but it seemed like everytime I did, he would cut me off or change the subject. I'm a quiet person, and unfortunately held it all in until I got so sick of it I told him I was going to bed. When I tried to sleep, all I could feel was anger, so I got up and told him I was going to go home. He asked why and I just blew up and told him how I felt about him talking about his ex's all night. He apologized and said that was just the way he was.

 

The next day we tried to get together to watch a movie, but he was being really distant again. Instead of putting the movie in when we got back (like he usually does), he sat down at his computer and began chatting with people again. It got me really upset, and I told him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue with this if that's what it was going to be like. He told me he still wasn't sure what he wanted; he liked me a lot but didn't like my jealous side. He has a lot of female friends and wouldn't be able to be with me if I'm going to be jealous of them. As it stands right now, we are just friends, but I still like him a lot.

 

I know I shouldn't be jealous of his female friends. Most of my friends are guys so it's kinda stupid for me to be jealous, and my ex-boyfriend was a very jealous person so I know what it is like. The thing is, I wasn't jealous before he first told me he didn't know what he wanted -- it was that fear and insecurity that is making me jealous now. Plus, the way we met doesn't exactly help -- he had been trying to get a date with a friend of mine for a few weeks and she just kept standing him up. Finally, she asked him to go out with us one night and he ended up liking me more than her. He told her that, then called and asked me out.

 

I guess I'm asking for a lot of advice. Like, was I right to feel jealous about the girl who was supposed to be his roommate (they ended up meeting and the girl actually thought he had two rooms for rent, for her and her friend, so that didn't work out), about the way he talked about his ex's, about the way he ignored me at his place to chat with other people? I know that if I continue being friends with him I'm going to keep wanting him as a boyfriend, and I know he has feelings for me, but he's too scared to let himself feel them right now. I also know that if I stay friends with him he'll probably end up dangling me the way he's been doing for the last few weeks, because he's afraid to be in a committed relationship...or he'll finally let me know how he feels. His last relationship sounded pretty bad, and mine was too (but that's another long story). I wasn't the jealous sort before I started dating somebody who was, and I guess it's kinda rubbed off on me...that's the only way I can think to explain it to myself. What can I do?

[midori]

Wow, this sounds sooo much like my ex boyfriend -- spending precious together time communicating online with other people, being distant & withdrawn, self-centered in talking about his exes but not wanting to even know that you were ever with anyone else.

 

And then there's the mixed signals. The uncertainty. Which is somehow caused by something in you -- not by him. Or so he implies. Yeah, right.

 

My advice:

 

1. Yes, you are right to be jealous of his female friends. Not because men & women can't be solely platonic, but because he uses them to build a wall between the two of you. He's clearly emotionally close to them, shares intimacies & secrets with him -- while being distant with you, the woman he's supposed to be closest to. It's not the fact of the friendships themselves that's troubling, it's the nature of those friendships and how they function in his life. They're an escape hatch from having to fully be in a relationship with you, where he shares everything and is open and, yes, vulnerable, to you.

 

2. Chatting online should be restricted to weeknights when you're not there. What he's doing is just plain rude. If weekends are the only time he has, tell him to get his emailing done by 9:00 p.m. on Friday night, when you are scheduled to arrive. Being understanding by unobtrusively watching TV or reading a book is just accommodating his rude behavior. Why would you do that? If that happens again, I'd be out the door if I were you -- no matter how much he apologized.

 

3. I hate to say it but this guy doesn't sound like he cares enough. You tell him how hurt and angry you were about his evening of ex talk (which, incredibly, could not include YOUR exes -- meaning that it wasn't about sharing with each other), and he tells you "that's the way he is?" Yeah, that's right: he's a self-absorbed hypocrite who isn't that interested in getting to know you. He doesn't care about your stories, but he's happy enough to pour out his since you're willing to listen.

 

4. It sounds like you're trapped by the mixed signals he's sending. Remember that actions speak louder than words -- that's really important when you're trying to sift through the evidence to see what's really going on. Don't let go of your hurt & anger just to maintain the relationship. In my experience there's not much hope for an avoidant guy -- you can't MAKE him want to pay attention to you. You can't MAKE him realize that he needs to be more thoughtful and understanding of your perspective. He won't learn from your example. He's probably got a lot of growing up to do; no matter how old he actually is, he sounds like he's got the emotional maturity of an adolescent.

 

I really do think there's no hope for this guy, at least not any time soon -- like, not for another 5-10 years. Stop taking your cues from him (especially since his wires seem to be crossed). Don't let his confusion dictate the path you follow. You can't make him get his act together, but neither can he make you stay in an unhappy state of limbo, worry and doubt. Make your own solution to the unhappiness you're in right now, even if it's not the solution you want: break up with him. For real. It's far better to be alone than to cling to a relationship that just makes you unhappy. Isn't it? You'll find someone better in no time, and the sooner you make the necessary break with this guy, the sooner you'll be able to meet someone who's able to function on your level. Cuz he isn't.

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

This guy is an inconsiderate jerk. Is he the best you can do for a friend???

 

Gimmee a break!!! You go over to his house and he spends his time on the computer chatting with people while you're watching TV and reading books. One of the components of a romantic relationship is RESPECT...yes, just like the Aretha Franklin song....R-E-S-P-E-C-T. He shows no respect for you...and you show no respect for yourself. If you're at a guy's house to be with him and he ignores you, head for the door and don't look back.

 

Now, let me tell you something about passion. Passion has two components...hope and doubt. He's really set you up for feeling passion for him because he has played you like a fine violin, giving you hope for being with him in the future...as well as lots of doubt. But you're not going to get very far with this guy because he has absolutely NO respect for you whatsoever. You totally blew it by remaining passive when he was jerking you around.

 

Now, to your questions:

 

1. "was I right to feel jealous about the girl who was supposed to be his roommate (they ended up meeting and the girl actually thought he had two rooms for rent, for her and her friend, so that didn't work out),"

 

Emotions and feelings are neither right or wrong...they are just there. I think you were OK in the way you felt.

 

2. "...about the way he talked about his ex's"

 

He was rude as hell and you should have shoved a grapefruit down his throat when he didn't stop...the butthole. Don't ever let any man talk about his exes around you, especially if you like him. One day you will be one of his exes and he will talk about you to some other lady....do you want that???

 

3. "... about the way he ignored me at his place to chat with other people?"

 

This was rude, again. But you were wrong not to have left and never seen or talked to him again. How could you let somebody treat you like that? Do you live in a very small town where there are only a couple men? If so, move!!!

 

4. " I know that if I continue being friends with him I'm going to keep wanting him as a boyfriend"

 

What??? What did you just write??? You want a butthole like this for a boyfriend??? Well, in that case why did you come here to ask for advice. If you like inconsiderate, rude, pathetically low-class men, there is an unlimited supply.

 

If you continue being friends with this guy, I would hope you would check yourself in for evaluation....fall in love with this crap??? Get some self-respect!!!

 

5. "... and I know he has feelings for me, but he's too scared to let himself feel them right now."

 

And just who said he has feelings for you. Yeah, right. I can't say much because you probably grew up in a home where there wasn't much expression of love so you don't have any good examples. But this guy has NO feelings for you, except when he wants some. Otherwise, he's on his computer chatting with potential female roommates. You are being USED!!!

 

OOHHHHHHHH!!!

 

6. " I also know that if I stay friends with him he'll probably end up dangling me the way he's been doing for the last few weeks, because he's afraid to be in a committed relationship"

 

Well, you are part right here. He'll keep dangling you but not because he's afraid of anything. It's because he's a no good, rotten, rude butthole who's found a lady who'll roll over and make like a doormat and let him crap all over her.

 

7. "....or he'll finally let me know how he feels."

 

He's already VERY clearly shown you how he feels. His actions couldn't possibly be any more clear. If you're waiting for the good fairy to come down and pour magic dust over this situation so it will turn out differently, you're in major trouble.

 

8. " His last relationship sounded pretty bad, and mine was too (but that's another long story)."

 

His last relationship may sound bad, but that sure doesn't keep him from telling you about his exes. Oh, how romantic!!! You gotta just chomp at the bit during the week to go over to his house and listen to him talk about his exes in between chatting with girls on the computer.

 

If you honestly want a relationship with this guy, you are just asking for another horrifying relationship like your last one. Why wouldn't you want to learn from the past?

 

EEWWWWW!!!

 

9. " I wasn't the jealous sort before I started dating somebody who was, and I guess it's kinda rubbed off on me...that's the only way I can think to explain it to myself."

 

Take a cold shower and think this out again. You should celebrate that this birdbrain may be interested in other people...to get you off the hook easily. Were you jealous because there might be someone else he could be rude to and abuse in addition to you?

 

10. " What can I do?"

 

If you've already taken a cold shower, get away from this guy as quickly as possible. Go read some books on self esteem so you'll feel better about yourself and not allow yourself to be abused like this.

 

Seek out men who will show you the respect you deserve as a woman. Never, ever, ever allow youself to be treated like this and immediately get away from anybody who tries!!!

 

If you continue to take this kind of treatment from men, you will never, ever be happy. You must feel better about yourself in order to take the necessary steps. Self-respecting people who have good self-esteem don't give jerks like this five minutes of their time.

 

I wish you luck. I know you must be a very nice person. I sort of used to take abuse like this from women and oh how I wish I could go back in time and change things. Don't keep making the same mistakes or you will look back on these times and wish you could change things as well. Change them NOW!!!

[Debster]

Get out of this relationship!

I don't even know you but surely you deserve better than this. My cat's litter box deserves better than this.

[katy_katt]

Thanks Tony, and to all the others who answered me (although I can't help but hear Pee-Wee's voice in my head as I read your comments!). A lot fo the advice you have given me bears some extra thinking about things on my part as well too.

 

Originally posted by Tony

 

This guy is an inconsiderate jerk. Is he the best you can do for a friend???

 

Gimmee a break!!! You go over to his house and he spends his time on the computer chatting with people while you're watching TV and reading books. One of the components of a romantic relationship is RESPECT...yes, just like the Aretha Franklin song....R-E-S-P-E-C-T. He shows no respect for you...and you show no respect for yourself. If you're at a guy's house to be with him and he ignores you, head for the door and don't look back.

 

Now, let me tell you something about passion. Passion has two components...hope and doubt. He's really set you up for feeling passion for him because he has played you like a fine violin, giving you hope for being with him in the future...as well as lots of doubt. But you're not going to get very far with this guy because he has absolutely NO respect for you whatsoever. You totally blew it by remaining passive when he was jerking you around.

 

Sadly enough, right now this IS the best I can do for a friend! I don't have many, and the ones I do have, have their own significant others whom they like to spend time with. So sometimes I kinda feel left alone. As for 'passively watching tv or reading a book' while he's chatting, in the past that was never a problem, since he never spent longer than 15 minutes at the computer while I was over...it just happpened that one time at first.

 

I think sometimes it's hard for a girl to be demanding of a guy's attention, especially when you first start dating him. I mean, yes, I wanted to tell him that I found it disrespectful, but at the same time...it seems as though there is a fine line between wanting respect and looking like a jealous bitch, and I'm afraid to cross that line. I've seen the ways some girls control their boyfriends and I don't agree with it, hence I try my hardest not to be like that. I do however, completely understand your point of view and I guess it's up to me to define my own lines and stick with them. And if the guys doesn't agree with them it's his problem.

 

 

2. "...about the way he talked about his ex's"

 

He was rude as hell and you should have shoved a grapefruit down his throat when he didn't stop...the butthole. Don't ever let any man talk about his exes around you, especially if you like him. One day you will be one of his exes and he will talk about you to some other lady....do you want that???

 

Funny, I mentioned that to him, but forgot to shove the grapefruit down his throat (I didn't have one!). What I said was that whatever happened between him and his exes were his own memories and I didn't want them to be a part of our relationship. I then said that maybe if I was 'lucky' enough, in five years he'll be talking to some other girl about me, if 'that was just the way he was'. My mistake was letting him go on and on without saying anything, and then blowing up at the end of the night. I am a very passive person, I admit. That's something that goes way back into my past and it's very hard to change but I am trying. (It just hasn't worked out too well yet!)

 

3. "... about the way he ignored me at his place to chat with other people?"

 

This was rude, again. But you were wrong not to have left and never seen or talked to him again. How could you let somebody treat you like that? Do you live in a very small town where there are only a couple men? If so, move!!!

 

Heh heh...actually, I do live in a pretty small town! There are more than a couple of men in it, but I have yet to meet somebody who doesn't have a few problems with maturity in relationships, no matter how old they are. Perhaps it's the weather, or the water, or something!

But your advice seemed a little too rash; I think leaving and never seeing him again might have been a little too harsh to begin with. I know I should have at least talked directly to him about it in the first place, rather than trying to give him subtle hints. Then, if he tried to make excuses, I would leave!

 

 

5. "... and I know he has feelings for me, but he's too scared to let himself feel them right now."

 

And just who said he has feelings for you. Yeah, right. I can't say much because you probably grew up in a home where there wasn't much expression of love so you don't have any good examples. But this guy has NO feelings for you, except when he wants some. Otherwise, he's on his computer chatting with potential female roommates. You are being USED!!!

 

Right on that...I don't have many good examples of what love is. And you know, I am being used. He is emotionally dependent on me for sure, and that to me translates as having feelings for me.

 

6. " I also know that if I stay friends with him he'll probably end up dangling me the way he's been doing for the last few weeks, because he's afraid to be in a committed relationship"

 

Well, you are part right here. He'll keep dangling you but not because he's afraid of anything. It's because he's a no good, rotten, rude butthole who's found a lady who'll roll over and make like a doormat and let him crap all over her.

 

Ok, now YOU'RE getting rude! I do have reasons for being the way I am. I'm 25 years old and I'm just beginning to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I'm just beginning to figure out why I am the way I am, and the things I can try to do to change them. But like I said, it's hard. The times when I tried not to be passive in a relationship, it was with very passive guys, and I found after a while that it just doesn't turn my crank because I lose interest in the relationship very quickly. I don't want to be a 'whip', I don't want to be a 'doormat'. There's that fine line again, and I really wish I knew exactly where it started and ended for me.

 

7. "....or he'll finally let me know how he feels."

 

He's already VERY clearly shown you how he feels. His actions couldn't possibly be any more clear. If you're waiting for the good fairy to come down and pour magic dust over this situation so it will turn out differently, you're in major trouble.

 

Oh, if only it could! j.k.

 

8. " His last relationship sounded pretty bad, and mine was too (but that's another long story)."

 

His last relationship may sound bad, but that sure doesn't keep him from telling you about his exes. Oh, how romantic!!! You gotta just chomp at the bit during the week to go over to his house and listen to him talk about his exes in between chatting with girls on the computer.

 

If you honestly want a relationship with this guy, you are just asking for another horrifying relationship like your last one. Why wouldn't you want to learn from the past?

 

Something I have kept in mind, and that you might want to as well, is that we were both pretty drunk the time he was talking about his exes, and when a person's drunk they don't much give a sh*t as to what they're saying. I know that's not much of an excuse, but he doesn't talk about them very much otherwise . . . and when he has, it didn't bother me in the least. The chatting, however, is a different story.

 

 

9. " I wasn't the jealous sort before I started dating somebody who was, and I guess it's kinda rubbed off on me...that's the only way I can think to explain it to myself."

 

Take a cold shower and think this out again. You should celebrate that this birdbrain may be interested in other people...to get you off the hook easily. Were you jealous because there might be someone else he could be rude to and abuse in addition to you?

 

If you've already taken a cold shower, get away from this guy as quickly as possible. Go read some books on self esteem so you'll feel better about yourself and not allow yourself to be abused like this.

 

Seek out men who will show you the respect you deserve as a woman. Never, ever, ever allow youself to be treated like this and immediately get away from anybody who tries!!!

 

If you continue to take this kind of treatment from men, you will never, ever be happy. You must feel better about yourself in order to take the necessary steps. Self-respecting people who have good self-esteem don't give jerks like this five minutes of their time.

 

I wish you luck. I know you must be a very nice person. I sort of used to take abuse like this from women and oh how I wish I could go back in time and change things. Don't keep making the same mistakes or you will look back on these times and wish you could change things as well. Change them NOW!!!

 

 

Hmm...my relationship in the past was very different, very different in the opposite sense, and that is why I thought this one might work. I mean, the guy was jealous of anybody I might be emailing or chatting with while he wasn't around. He reciprocated this by making sure not to do the same (although I found out later he was lying about the whole thing). He made sure to spend time with me...too much time, in fact! In the beginning of our relationship, he stopped seeing his friends in favor of me, no matter how many times I told him to go out once in a while and have a good time, but he also expected me to do the same. I grew tired of him when he was around and wanted some time to myself. When I wanted that, he would get angry or sad and ask why I didn't want to be with him. When I wanted to go out with my friends he would sulk until I told him I decided not to, and consequently lost a lot of friends in the process. It got so I grew dependent on him to be around whenever I wanted and, as the relationship continued, I was the one getting angry when he wanted to take some time for himself and see his friends. With this guy, he doesn't really care if I go out for a couple of drinks with my guy friends, just tells me to have a good time. When I want to go home for the day after spending the night at his place, he doesn't mind at all, and tells me he'll talk to me later. I guess by being passive, I am just trying to give him the freedom that I sometimes need myself. I learned from my mistakes all right, just moved from one extreme to the other. I honestly don't know what could possibly be in the middle.

 

So you used to take this from women? See, there's that fine line again. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would appreciate him giving me the opportunity to get things done. Of course, if it bothered him I would also want him to let me know about it. There are times when I would like to talk about my exes but didn't out of respect for the other person, but of course sometimes we just have to get things off of our chests, and I'm not innocent of doing that once in a while myself.

 

At any rate, perhaps I just needed a transitional person and that was it. Someday I'll find somebody nice...someday...

Thank you!

[mimi]

To Quote Dolly Parton:

 

Nothin' get's over the last one, Like the Next one!

 

 

 

 

He's obviously not that into you! And if I were you, I would be concerned about some broad he met off the internet moving into his house....................

 

Let her have him............cause he ain't worth it!

[Just A Girl2]

Ugh. Don't even know where to start.

 

How horribly and incredibly rude and RUDE, for him to sit there chatting on the internet while you're over visiting. That is the epitome of inconsiderate and did I mention rude?

 

Second, what kind of intelligent guy searches online for a roommate? Not only that, but without even meeting the person, he AGREES that they can be a roommate? (how he agreed, online, that this gal could be his roommate). Most people when looking for a roommate, they at LEAST interview the person, get some references, etc. They don't just pick some stranger off the Net and agree to it. *That* is so freaking bizarre that I don't actually buy it. Want to know what I think? I think this chick was someone he knew previously...like perhaps an EX? It had to be someone pretty important to him, for him to sit there for hours chatting, while leaving YOU, his girlfriend, sitting on the couch to entertain yourself.

 

The fact that he speaks about his exes like he does, he's a huge Fido. That is just so totally and completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you. No hon, you're not the least bit jealous.......you're just picking up on your God-given INSTINCTS....that something's not quite right here. The fact that he has the nutz to ACCUSE you of being jealous.........oh that is classic. Priceless, even. Any human with half a brain cell in their head would realize that talking about exes and the other assorted rude things he's been doing...that they are WRONG..and not something you do when in a relationship with someone. You shouldn't even HAVE to tell him why all this bothers you. The fact that you have to (because he's so stunned/rude), and the fact that he conveniently twists it around to make it all about you (being JEALOUS).....sorry girl, but that's a slimy swine's classic trick.

 

The fact that he's moody, and distances himself from you like he does..and needs time to think, blah blah blah........you need to end things now. I know this will be upsetting to you, but I'd be willing to bet that he's seeing someone else on the side (perhaps chicks he's met online, chatting)...and he's not sure who he wants to be with......maybe isn't sure about "them" (or HER)..but doesn't want to end things with you just yet.....cause he's not sure.

 

You are being mistreated and played.

 

This is nothing about him being a commitment phobic or being afraid of getting too close.......this is merely a butthole who doesn't deserve a good woman, period. I have been in this kind of situation a few times, and I can now spot the same scenario from a mile away. Many others here can, too, I'm sure.

 

You need to gather up some self respect, strength, courage, guts, and your instinct........and tell him to take a long walk off of a short pier. OR......totally dump him without even giving him an explanation. No, in a case like this, with a dog like this, no explanation is necessary. Nothing you'd explain to a creep like this would even sink in anyway. He's simply not worth another second of your time. You owe him nothing. You've already given him so much.....you've been understanding, patient, openminded, kind.......and he's done nothing but take complete advantage of you. You deserve a million times better.

 

Guys like this are compulsive liars, players and they boost their fragile little egos by keeping good women hanging on by a thread.

 

After having been in your shoes before, and knowing what I know now, if I dated (was in a relationship with) a guy who pulled these stunts with me now, I'd have walked out and never looked back. If ANY guy sat there chatting while I was spending the weekend with him, I'd tell him where to go on my way out the door.

 

Be strong. Yes, you have feelings for him.......you feel vulnerable because with him you allowed yourself to let your guard down.......but chumps like this are a dime a dozen. He likely has a few chat-gals on the line.

 

I hope you come back here to update us, saying you gave his arse a swift kick to the curb.

[Tony T]

Being drunk is no defense for offensive behavior. However, it's nice that you have somewhat made excuses for your abusive guy. Go out and run over somebody and assert a drunk defense and see where you get with it.

 

Rude and mean is rude and mean. So he has to get drunk to talk about his exes. Isn't that just wonderful. He's got a lady who will overlook what he does as long as he has some alcohol first.

 

I don't care what you think of me...but for your own good I sincerely hope you give this relationship a lot of thought and review. I knew it stunk but I actually didn't make out the smell of alchohol.

 

Your very brief description of your home of origin and your mild defense of this guy along with his behavior after drinking may indicate some serious codependency issues here. Go to a good search engine such as http://www.google.com and enter "codependency" in the search field. You might find some interesting reading and understand yourself...and your guy...a lot more. Of course, that doesn't mean you're in any better situation...you'll just maybe understand it more if it applies to you.

[katy_katt]

Well, Just A Girl 2 really drove the nail in for me (and I thank you). It's all true. I felt used and unwanted, but thought I only had myself to blame for that. I wrote and told him not to bother calling me ever again, and not to expect to hear from me, with no explanation. Maybe he'll get his head out of his ass and figure out why himself, but I doubt it. I removed his name from my contact and email list, and hopefully I won't run into him around town anytime soon. I feel really good about doing it, better than I have felt in a couple of weeks.

 

I know I deserve better than that, and I'm not going to sit around wasting my time with him.

 

Tony, I don't think badly of you, but I found your advice to be a little backhanded, although most of it was good advice. I have read up a lot on codependency, gone to counsellors about it...the whole nine yards. Believe me, I know what it is and I know that I am codependent, I know he is codependent -- a lot of people are. Learning about it and understanding it is one thing, but realizing time and time again how hard it is to change the way we are is something else all together, because I thought I had changed but I realize now that I hadn't. It takes a little bit at a time, and I still have a lot of life to learn how I can change; I am taking this as just one of my learning experiences.

 

THANKS AGAIN!! (to everyone)

[Just A Girl2]

I am so happy to read your update. WOOHOO! Right on, for taking that difficult step of telling him to buzz off. I know it's hard....and if you're like me, there will likely come a point when the anger (anger at how he's mistreated/disrespected you) wears off a little, and you'll be overwhelmed by feelings of "guilt"...and second guessing your decision to tell him to get lost......and you'll miss him, and you'll focus ONLY on the 'good stuff'..and you'll want like hell to contact him.....maybe even going so far as to apologize to him, and retracting your decision/asking for another chance/putting the blame all on yourself. Been there, done that, had ALL the t-shirts.

 

But do your best to be strong. If you feel yourself getting weak, dwell on your anger for a bit.......sometimes anger, in a situation like this, is the one emotion that can keep us on the right path......know what I mean?

 

If you feel the need to vent, or are finding it hard not to establish contact with him again, COME HERE AND POST......get things off your chest here, as opposed to contacting him. OKAY?

 

Hugs

Just A Girl2

[Paul]

Hi katy_katt,

 

I just wanted to chime in here and offer some insight on your last post regarding private messaging. We certainly don't forbid that people contact each other privately, but we do discourage that those looking for input on interpersonal relationships do so outside of the context of the public forums. This sort of question comes up every once in a while.

 

We encourage that those in our community who are seeking input to do so on the forums rather than via private messaging or some other external application. We firmly believe that doing so has a greater benefit for those who visit the site and that it provides you with a better environment and medium to work through your situations.

 

Remember that you can always post as a guest and not reveal your identity if you feel uncomfortable doing so. As an aside, we're also actively working on a feature that will allow you do to this without having to log out. It should appear on the site within a few days.

 

Best wishes,

Paul