Mental Change

[Joe1]

How can someone mentally change? You see when I was in school I weighed near 300 pounds. I was taunted, I was teased, I literally had no friends and I felt I didn't belong in school.

 

It had been like that my whole life practically because I never was popular. i never went out, didn't get asked out, heck I never even went to my prom or any other school function except graduation.

 

Well I graduated high school and since then I went from being 300 pounds and now eigh an average of 220. I'm not skinny, but I sure in the hell look a heck of a lot better than I did back in school.

 

Well, as you can guess I physically changed however my state of mind is still as it was when I was in school. You know, shy and doing whatever it takes to gain a friend or two and taking crap so you don't put up a fight risking making that person mad with the fear I'll lose a friend.

 

I'm shy, I am falling in love with a girl I've known since May and now with my mind being in the state it was back in high school I cannot find the courage to tell her with the fear of rejection and the fear that I'd lose her.

 

So I'm asking, I need to change mentally and telling me to just do it isn't going to help. My mind has been in this state for probably 10 years, it won't change in one night. Advice please.

 

Thanks,

 

Joe

[myusername]

Hi Joe,

 

Gaining the upper hand on your weight is a big step toward taking control of life. I don't know what you did to make that change but, whatever it was, you need to do basically the same thing with your relational life. Take control!

 

You don't have to live the way you have described. Be deliberate about what you like and what you don't like. When you discover there is something or someone you are attracted to, go for it. Make that leap. You have nothing to loose and you will feel much better just trying, even if you don't succeed the first or second time.

 

There is no harm done in trying. Just keep trying. Don't give up. The life you want is available to you. All you have to do is accept the challenge and face it head on. Know what you want and live toward that end.

[Tony T]

This problem often occurs with women who are average or below average in appearance and, all of a sudden and often in their teens, they grow boobs...learn to use makeup...and guys see them as knock-down drag-out gorgeous. They never see themselves that way because they are used to being made to feel just average or below. It's all in the mind.

 

Exercise your mind just like you exercise your body. Get some medidation tapes at a bookstore and learn how. Then, get your mind to start thinking a lot better of yourself.

 

Play some soft music, shut your eyes, relax and say repeatedly..."I am good looking, I am smart, I am slim and women are attracted to me." The object here is to convince your mind and you do that by repeating things over and over until they sink into your subconscious mind.

 

You may want to get some good books on self-esteem, particularly ones by the master of that subject, Nathaniel Branden.

 

It may take a while for you to get used to being a different you. Remember, the obesity started in your mind. Yep, it was your mind that convinced you to overeat, it was your brain that drove your organs to create the fat. Now, you've got to let that same brain know it made a mistake and sometimes that damn thing can be very tempermental. However, it was your brain that turned things around you and helped you shed the extra pounds.

 

Take control over your mind...don't let it control you!!!

[Dragonflys]

Its a very good question you have.

 

I'm a good example of a person who has undergone major transformations during his life. I didn't have a date until I was 27 because I though I was unattractive and that women wanted nothing to do with me. That belief fostered obvious shyness, fear and judgement of other people (due to comparisons I made). Now I am 31 and have plenty of dates, and plenty of women who are interested in me.

 

I'll tell you one thing first off. Changes to age old mindsets do not happen overnight, and I would recommend you prepare yourself for let downs, but make sure you always hold on to the belief that you are on the right path in the right direction, because each little failure teaches you something. In truth, they aren't failures - they are in fact learning processes that allow you to grow as a person. I see my progress in life as a 5 steps forward, 4 steps back kinda deal. Thats how it always is. But I have a made a deal with myself to keep moving forward, and I believe in myself through common sense that my old feelings are indeed wrong. Your subconscious will eventually follow suit and you'll develop true confidence in every way. Then theres no stopping you.

 

For you right now, I would recommend you go to a bookstore and flick through the new book by Prof. Seligman titled 'Authentic Happiness'. It teaches us how we can use common sense to evaluate our situations realistically and put a positive spin on them (because really its all about perspective). I thinks that a nice book to get you mind on the right path.

 

Regarding your current situation, understand what I have said above and just have a go, she might very well be willing to see you as you are and understand you. If she doesn't its a positive step in your learning process. Always remember, never judge people or yourself for how things turn out, make practical changes.

 

You can't lose!

 

Best wishes

 

Oliver